Why do guys keep using me like a door mat?

[Anonymous]

So I am just really fed up now of guys treating me like I am a whore and a bit on the side and I've had guys who pretend they like me so I will have sex with them but other guys they are more honest about it but they won't give it up, they won't leave me alone when I say "NO I AM NOT LIKE THAT!" but yet they still keep imagining that I am like that, I am not even THAT pretty, I am cute sure... but I do not even give off any indication whatsoever what I am that type of person to sleep around so why so they come to me all the time?, I need answers, I just don't understand why and whenever I do like someone they play with my feelings, even good guys lie to me and play with my emotions or make up excuses, I mean if they don't want to see me any more why can't they be straight to the point?, it makes me so angry and frustrated that they just can't say it to my face and would rather lie. One guy who I am "friends" well... we got physical sometimes ether online or when we met up now and then, the past 2 months he's been dating a girl and I really like him, he knows I do and quite recently we did stuff online and then I read his fb and saw the message his girlfriend wrote about them being together for 2 months and how she's so loving it and I texted him very peed off (we agreed if he finds a girlfriend that we stop because I don't want the poor girls he dates to get hurt) and the only response he could come up with was "I didn't want to invade, fell through" Fell through? and he knows what we agreed :\ again another excuse, just why oh why?, I don't understand at all, I feel like trying at all with anyone is a waste of time altogether because if I even so much as open up even a little bit I get hurt again.

[MrOracle]

Don't take this the wrong way, because I'm seriously trying to help you, but the answer to your initial question is: because you let them.

You need to figure out what you want and what your rules are, and I *strongly* advise you to make "no sex outside of an 'official' committed relationship" a hard and fast rule. Once you know what your rules are, you need to make them known UP-FRONT to any guy you show interest to, and you need to make DAMN SURE that YOU don't get weak and let them be broken, because if you do, people won't take your rules seriously. And this isn't something you should play by ear; I can already tell that you aren't strong enough to know when to stop yourself in the heat of the moment.

If you don't mess around with guys until you're in a real relationship, most of these problems will go away on their own. YES, that does mean many guys, who just want sex, will lose interest and move on, and you have to be okay with that and let them go. The ones who stay will almost always be the guys who really want to be with you and will take you seriously.

In order for other people to respect you, you have to respect yourself and be willing and able to stand up for yourself and say "NO!" when necessary. And I don't men "no?" or 'no." but "NO!" You have to mean it, and the guy has to know you mean it too.

You're trying to have it both ways: you want to be able to mess around with guys outside of a relationship, but also have them take your relationship rules seriously. You can't have it both ways, and that's why they laugh at your rules: your actions show that you don't stand behind them.

Smarten up, grow a back-bone, have self-respect and demand a basic level of respect from the people in your life, and these problems will go away.

[Asker]

I've tried but no matter how much I say I don't want to mess around and I want to be with a really lovely guy who will respect me and take me seriously it's like they never hear me, even "nice" guys continuall push me and keep bringing up physical things with me, they can't take anything I say seriously because they don't want to, id ask what they want right at the start and tell them id like friendship and see where it goes but I am not into sleeping around but they get too worked up around me.

[Marshall33]

Instead of assuming guys love you you need to assume they just want sex and decide whether that is OK with you or not. If that is not OK then do not risk it. If it is then see it as a one night stand. If you wake up and are pleasantly surprise that a one night stand becomes a two night stand and a someday 1000 night stand then that will be a pleasant surprise. But to assume the best and be disappointed will entrap you to be a doormat...think about it...the more you are willing to live with the worst case scenario the less you will fall for petty tricks and statements -false promises made to you. This will in turn give you inner strength and confidence which will translate to others as 'do not screw with her because she knows what she wants'...you can be innocent in your heart but NOT in your behvior which is what others are preying on.

[Asker]

Well I actually don't assume the best but sometimes you can completely fall for someone without expecting to, I don't know how our human instincts picks out mates but when you come across someone that gives you that instant reaction it's hard to think, it rarely happens though but I usually always am not so open, I am shy too so it makes me harder to be open but guys keep wondering why I am not being open with them and saying and thinking they will use me and they start acting all annoyed.

[DebiPie]

Hon, I think that you have answered your own question yourself. If you read your own question & take a step back you will see...You allow them to treat you this way. Let me explain.

Take the example you gave of your "friend." You say you have been physical with him sometimes in person & online. But this is really only FWB. You even talked about stopping the sex between you 2 if he finds a girl. Now you've found out that he has a girlfriend and you're shocked! Why? You knew up front that you 2 were not in a relationship & that he was looking for someone. You said it yourself. Other guys? Maybe they know of this & want in on the deal.

Take a look at how you look, how you dress, what kind of vibe you give off to guys. Too friendly? Too fast? Guys are visual beings, and they can get the wrong idea quickly, so rethink your look. I doubt, too, that you are not pretty. You must be attractive or you wouldn't be quite so popular.

Let's look at the word: gullible. This is something that might define you. Too trusting & you believe most of what others tell you. So, a man can "get by on you" fairly easily. You need to be more skeptical. Take your time, don't buy into everything you hear them say. Wait a long time before giving yourself to them. Get to know them, "weed them out" so to speak. If he likes you, he will wait. Take pride in yourself, respect yourself & they will respect you.

Listen, you need to start being able to define a relationship and not have sex until you are in one. If you don't, what you've described is going to continue to be a very sad & painful pattern for you.

[Asker]

It can't be how I dress, I dress in trousers, jeans, pink osama (you know the cool casual ones with the awesome pattern and the cross pattern?) and I wear hoodies and t-shirts or thin jumpers, this is why I'm so confused and I give out the miss "stay away from me if your a jerk, please don't try my patents" kind of vibe but it's like I dunno... if I like a guy they start pretending they like me too, I don't usually believe guys at all, I ask them to take the time to get to know me but these days

[Asker]

all they give you is like a month and they are gone and it is so frustrating how impatient people are, they think I would give them myself so easily and still treat me like an idiot when most of the time I never EVER do anything with guys unless I really like them, I say id like friends first then see how it goes so they will get to know me first, to build the trust but they just keep getting so impatient saying yes they will and then suddenly a few days to a week later they are back on it.

[DebiPie]

1.I have no idea what an "osama" is. I tried to look it up, but only Bin Laden tee's came up, so IDK. 2. as for the rest, perhaps what you think you are giving off isn't what you think. Ask a girlfriend to tell you what she sees. 3. If you are telling a guy that you'd like friends 1st then see how it goes, of course he's going to scam you & pretend to be your friend. THEN he'll get sex & go...if he is not a stand up guy. It sounds like where ever you are choosing your guys at you need to get the

[DebiPie]

hell out-of-there! Fast! You are looking in the wrong place. Go find a better place for a better selection of quality men. That makes sense, doesn't it? If you dive in a pond fishing & keep coming up with poisoned fish, why keep fishing there? Move to a new pond. Good luck.

[pr3ttybr0wn]

You're too nice.be more of a bitch and guys will respect u. You sound like you tolerate too much from them, like if you dislike something he does call him out.don't be afraid to ignore guys when they don't do what you want and play by your rules. You make the rules, not him.guys can do what you tolerate but if they know you don't play that, they'll be more likely to act right

[Asker]

Oh but I tell them how I feel, I told my friend how I feel but he said he knows then sorry but I don't think he really is and he just makes me feel like complete poo because if his girlfriend knew, maybe I should just tell her because he's done it once before with another girl and I told her after they broke up and she was thankful for that, he gets a lot of girls breaking up with him, if he acts that way with me then he probably acts the same way with them too maybe, he just makes me feel intense.

[Anonymous]

this is just from reading the title, so sorry if I'm off. but I just read a girls question in which she essentially uses guys to buy her sh*t. this is pretty much the guy version of that I think. both are f***ed up and wrong, but both happen...sucks

[Asker]

I know it's like we all want someone we can be vulnerable with without being taken advantage of and to let our feelings out without being hurt all the time but people always make the wrong choices and end up hurting others, they want the best like the rest of us but when they say things and make promises it's all mouth and no action, wish we could all find someone who proves they wouldn't hurt us and wouldn't take advantage.

[pingupassion]

With only reading the title I can tell you it's because you allow them to. Stand up for yourself.