Boyfriend's an escapist.

[Anonymous]

Hi I'm been living with my boyfriend for six months now, we were very in love when we met and totally click. However, living with him made me get to know him so much better. He's such a sweet guy but I don't understand how he deals with problems in life. When he has a problem, he doesn't try to solve it but he just runs away from it. For example, his mother was sick, and I know he loves her and all but when she starts to talk to him about her sickness, he doesn't like to hear at all and starts to avoid her. SO anyway, recently he's been in a bit of a rut. He just sits at home, watches TV and plays computer games all day. This has been for about 3-4 months, when I asks him about it, he says I'm nagging. I can't even talk about it for more then a minute! And then he says he thinks he has already the best girlfriend in the world so he doens't need to plan about the future. So yesterday I totally lost it and ranted out everything I've been feeling, shouted and told him to 'wake up' from this. He was completely clueless and didn't know why I'm behaving like this. Now he is in his 'silent' mode and refuses to talk to me even when I said I'm sorry for my outburst and I think I've been too harsh. He has been in these silent modes before and usually he talks after 1-2 days . Anyway it seems also he has stopped watching TV and lazing around since yesterday. Started to exercise and do more 'things'. However he still doesn't want to talk to me. I really don't understand how come he doesn't like to deal with problems or even talk about them when it's right in front of him...

Updates

+1 y

FYI, yeah he hasn't been working since. Last time he had a job was that 4 months ago. I tried to make him go out but it's also difficult...and last he's been hanging out more with his 'buddies' that can drink beer and watch soccer with him. I don't stop him from doing that but I'm afraid since my last outburst, he also wants to escape from me.

Updates

+1 y

Should I even attempt to make the first move again? He is so stubborn and annoying when he does his silent treatments - it's like he's trying to make me feel that it's my fault for being such a *bitch* to him. Even when I felt that I might have done the right thing, I start to feel bad for myself and for him. Questioning if he still loves me, he would love "life" right? I mean what's there not to love about life? I love doing things together with him and get excited when we do things together!

[ArtistBboy]

I can relate.. Lounging around the house, videogames, etc.. Even the stubborn mule-like silence that's always retreating from stressful situations.

The truth is that I'm hurting inside.. Badly. I don't know what I need, and I don't know what your boyfriend needs. What helps? Laughter.. Positivity.. Support.. etc.. You don't need to wait until you explode again - start implementing little things that encourage him to be around you - like flicking him with water out of no where and giving him a wink. The more playful you are with him, the easier it is for him to be relaxed around you - aka his retreat. Once he's following your lead, you can then encourage him to be a man again by getting him started in fun activities.. Hiking.. camping.. fourwheeling... hell going to the gym!... He's already doing it *hint hint*..

All I can tell you is that I've had family, friends, ex's, etc all try to "push" me into doing what they want me to do - it never lasts. After years of forcing me to get a job, I drop it at the first speed bump. What I need(ed) is someone to remind me that life is worth living. That simple - someone that I can laugh with/at and share time with.

Other things that have helped is a bit of stubborn behavior from my girlfriend in retaliation, but it makes sense... Stop being his maid - don't cook his meals as often, or finish his laundry, the dishes / etc... by "ceasing" the aforementioned activities, things will start to pile up and it WILL bug you before him - but it gives him the opportunity to get back into some activity.. If you're always doing everything before his "mule" behavior lets him get past grazing - well... You're basically opting to live for him. It's not bad / mean / cruel / etc.. It's just that your whole "vent" and this whole question is about getting him to "live" again. Right?!

So at this point - you might feel a little burnt out - trust me when I say this... It's NOT going to be easy. There's nothing you can do to "help" him past what I've mentioned. You need to work on yourself too during this process. Find a way of rekindling your spirits - like enjoying a nice walk while listening to the wind or looking at the birds... Maybe listening to your ipod.. etc.. Find a way to "relax" for a minute just for yourself.. That way dealing with him will be a lot easier.

And if he keeps giving you attitude - have him read this final paragraph when he's ready.. Print it out and leave it on his pillow - his curiosity will get to him :P

- Look man, you know that your girlfriend cares about you. Take a second and breathe - get away from the videogames - get past your attitude - and find a new way to relax. Take a deep breath, listen to a song, whatever it takes - even buying a punching bag. I may not know you but I do know your attitude, I have it myself. There's little to nothing you can do besides forcing yourself to live - so why wait for a miracle pill to come in the mail before you waste your youth? Start the change today.

[Asker]

Yeah. I know it's never good to force someone to do something...hence I kept silent all these time but it's also rubbing onto me..that I start to lose faith in him and myself. but that letter could be quite interesting.

[ArtistBboy]

I honestly don't think it's enough to push him to change - but I do think he'll contemplate why he's burning away all these years not seeking out some very gratifying situations - skydiving / hiking / etc.. You only live once. And as for the silence, keep that in your mind every day - recharge recharge recharge. Find something to laugh about or take a break from your relationship by hanging out with some great influences (friends?) that might remind you how much you love him through quirky behav

[ArtistBboy]

Re: Updates -- The drinking will eventually stop, especially seeing as he doesn't currently have a job.. He's gonna burn a lot of bridges and money in the process of trying to drink away his pain.. It has nothing to do about how much he loves you, it's about how bad he hurts.. By drinking he's showing a direct assertion that he needs attention to feather his wounds. Unfortunately we can just give people intelligence to step past what's obstructing our paths.. But what we can do -- (continued)

[ArtistBboy]

(cont'd from previous) -- Is have a great f'king time with them while we have them in our lives. Have you contemplated why you're feeling neglected? If it's anything like my situation, it's probably because your not getting enough attention or encouragement for being a wonderful girlfriend. There's nothing my spouse can do to "GET" these things she wants from me.. She can only "GIVE".. And I'm sure you already know that if you give someone something (e.g. love/support) they are more (cont)

[ArtistBboy]

(cont'd again...) jesus this is getting long lol... "...they are more likely to reciprocate".. The whole complex is that this guy is hurting, or at least I am and I strongly believe he is too. That pain in his heart could be from a million things. Mine is from being destroyed in early adulthood from my best friend dieing, all the way to me almost dieing and causing grief for the people I care most about. By showing him your lax and fun - he will reciprocate with that -... ugg cont again lol

[ArtistBboy]

..which if I'm not mistaken, that's what you're looking for. Attention, gratitude, appreciation, whatever you want to call it - you want to feel like a girlfriend rather than just another "woman" in his life. That you are important to him. Trust me, you are, even though you may not see him proving that to you. Even with this silence you are. This is why I suggested rekindling your spirits - it's hard to do, but so is life. it's the first step towards relaxing to get to the fun stage -... cont

[ArtistBboy]

"...fun" stage I was talking about. As if to "kickstart" the wheel in a better direction. It will be awkward and weird at first and he'll be no fun in return - but trust me.. Over time he will loosen his firm grip on being such a logical d***head and begin to tease you or otherwise enjoy time with you more. That's what you're really looking for. And if you can find a way to calmly show that you love him, support him, and enjoy being around him - it'll encourage him even more to relax.

[Asker]

It's like he doesn't see that I also need help...I'm feeling really down because of him..and he's right now very occupied with spending time with a friend who's going into rehab tomorrow...since months they spend a lot of time together smoking joints and drinking beer...and I said how is that helping his friend when you are encouraging him to do the same thing together..?

[Asker]

Hence I start to think perhaps I'm the selfish one. I can't be strong enough to not be drag down by his attitude to life. Today I suggested we should go out to do something he likes - he like to play board games but he immediately said no that he has to go hang out with his friend who's going to rehab tomorrow...but I know if they hang out together it's just drinking beer and smoking joints. I'm just really disappointed and disheartened. I feel like he's forcing me to move out and leave him...

[Asker]

Perhaps he doesn't' have the courage to tell me or perhaps I'm the problem in his life..that I"m just taking up space in his apartment and making him unhappy, controlling his life...so I shld be the one that leave him alone to find himself again..

[ArtistBboy]

I really wish I could give the kind words of support my girlfriend needs at times. I can't hardly imagine how either of you two feel, and I really don't wish it upon either of our situations. And I'm not trying to make excuses. In my case, maybe not in yours, but in my case - I honestly feel dettached emotionally *from everything*. Which feels inhumane and makes it almost impossible to realize I need to support my girlfriend emotionally, sometimes it makes it almost unbearable.

[ArtistBboy]

Unfortunately, I don't know any other words that might help your situation... There's only a few I can say. And that's that conveniently everything will point towards separating - but keep in mind that the power of choice is unique and strong. It can either make you or break you. And your choice might affect others, for good or for bad. You'll never know the outcome before you choose, but stand by your decision regardless and it will always be a good choice.

[zenmaster]

He sounds like he is still a child. It also sounds like you moved in with him waaaay to fast.

You can't live with a kid if you act like his mother. You want him to get off his useless bum? Move out. That way he will be forced to do something.

I don't even have a TV let alone a video game thing. He doesn't deserve sex either. I drink beer with my buddies, but not all the time. You know what men do. They paint bathrooms, do the laundry, cook dinner, and work...even part time.

Good luck. I always tell folks to simplify which helps.

[Asker]

Yeah actually I spoke to his sister and she also said he's acting like a child but he's already 30! I am getting more depressed and thinking already of moving out...Although actually he does occassionally cook and clean. I just can't stand not talking and him giving me the silent treatment!

[ArtistBboy]

I disagree. How is he acting like a child? Perhaps you could argue the silent treatment. But as children - some people are raised to be silent or to "run" from a problem - rather than encouraged to fight (let alone given the opportunity to do so).. So I'm asking you to back your reasoning that he's a "child" after years of said behavior where he wasn't condoned to express his feelings - basically, where his environment forced him to turn them off. That's part of being an adult as well. (cont)

[ArtistBboy]

The only difference, is that as an adult we can acknowledge that people may have a "different" way of doing things; even as much as it may annoy or hurt us. The childish thing is the statement of throwing your hands in the air and "moving out".. What does that solve other than leaving yet another person stand on the side of the road with more pain... Is that what you want from this world? A world where you succeed and leave a wake of destruction in your path? Sounds like you are feeling pain too

[Asker]

Yeah I guess I"m feeling neglected and I want his attention. I think I also need his help to make me feel less down as he is the reason now I"m feeling so. However I shld be living my own life and maybe moving out helps me to "forget him" or him to "wake up". It's probably good for both for us. I was also thinking of moving out temporary for only 2 weeks. I don't know how he feels about this... I'm at my wit's end. I want a life when I"m strong again and not have to worry about other people.

[Premonition]

Maybe you woke him up, but he has hard time thanking you. Even Lazy Asses need a swift kick to Wake up lol.

[Anonymous]

Depends. If he's working hard all day and with a lot of stress he might need to relax and that's what he does with his me-time. Is it the case? Does he have a demanding job?

[Asker]

No he actually stopped working also 4 months ago...and been using his savings since. That' what I'm worried about he is serious about being a full-time bum. I mean no one likes to work. I"m sure but it's a reality of life. I have no fulltime job too but I've been working hard to get part time jobs here and there to survive