Is my boyfriend a male version of a gold digger?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is 3 years younger, still in college, and working a crappy part time job just until he graduates. I never minded, because I know it's hard to get a REALLY good job while still in school. I just am hoping he will get something better once he graduates. I got really lucky and landed a very good job straight out of college last year, which pays... let's just say WELL. I was never a person to concentrate too much on money, my family never had it, but I was always happy. I consider money to be a luxury that helps me enjoy life, but not a necessity. Anyway, because of that mindset, I never minded paying for things for us, like trips we took together, or buying dinner on me, or buying him expensive gifts, etc. We love each other very much, and he is an amazing person with a good heart, and that's all that matters to me. But today he said something that really stung me and made me think. I am 99% sure he said it as a joke, but yea... He was about to park at school and was on the phone with me, and he said he will have to park in teacher's spot. I told him no, he will get a ticket. And he said something like "So what? I can probably make you pay for it." That REALLY bothered me, but he laughed and I laughed too. Do you think he was joking? Or is he possibly really in that mindset? that I will just keep paying for his things? Again, this is not a question as to whether I should be paying things or not. I believe that in a relationship you have to support each other, and if right now I am making more, I am OK with paying most things. I don't think it's fair to expect the guy to always pay for everything. But do you think my guy may really just be with me because of money? :( What are the signs to tell if he is in it JUST for the money vs. he really loves me for me?

[MissShar2k12]

Girl...drop this guy. He said he that because he KNOWS you will pay for it. You pay for everything else...why not the ticket...why are you with this guy? You have a great job...I'm sure you have your own place and car...you need a man who can benefit you.

What will happen if you lost your job? (Not wishing anything bad, just hypothetically) If you lost your job you wouldn't be able to spend money on him like you used to and his ass would go running to someone else who can.

What will happen when he finally does get a job...you think he will return the favor?

He wasn't joking when he said that...he was dead serious.

Here's what you need to do.

Cut back on spending money on him. He's a grown man...he has a job and can pay for things himself. What is he doing with the money he makes? Stop being his sugar mama.

Stop buying dinner...stop buying expensive gifts...and his true colors will show.

[Daph81]

you can maybe tell him that you're planning on buying something big (e.g. a house for your parents), so you have to save money and can we go dutch? Some kind of test like that.

[Asker]

You're right, I could do that. The only downside is that if I don't spend money on us, then I will be the one annoyed more than him. I like to do things, travel, go out to dinner, etc. But I know we can't do that if I don't pay, cause he doesn't have money for it. He never ever asked for my money, I always offered, this is the first time he joked about something like me paying a ticket, and he really did say it jokingly. I think I am just self-conscious and afraid someone can't like me for me :/

[Daph81]

then go dutch on dinners or something only. Or, you can jokingly "threaten" him that you won't pay for his ticket if he got caught because of the parking thing. Act liek his mom, say things like "I am NOT paying for your mistake" or something like that and then laugh. If he has the ego of most guys I know, he'll also be wondering whether you feel used by him. And then see where it goes from there.

[Asker]

Yeah, he is a sweet guy though, I don't wanna play games with him. He often tells me he feels bad that he can't buy me things or treat me like I do to him, and it is area of his biggest self-consciousness. He constantly apologizes for it, and I can tell he feels bad about it. I feel like I am worried for nothing and like he really was joking, but I want to address it without hurting his ego :/

[Daph81]

then maybe ask him directly about it? About whether he was genuinely just joking when he said that or whether he actually sees you as someone who will "take care" of him financially. His nonverbal signs will tell you the answer, because his mouth will certainly tell you that he was really joking. Look for hesitations, or him trying to search for words, etc.

[Asker]

I did talk to him, and he said he makes jokes about money stuff because it's something he is really self-conscious about. He knows I earn more and can afford to get him things, and he appreciates it, but also feels bad he can't do same for me. So rather than showing it as a weakness, he tries to joke about it, like "oh I'm so broke haha." You know, the "if I make fun of myself, nobody else will" mindset. I told him to never put on an act for me, and he agreed to always be honest and open :)

[Daph81]

well good that it turned out fine in the end =)

[Ballerinasinger3]

i think that is really sweet of him! he's a keeper!

[Pedantic]

From the way I read your question, I think he isn't for the following reasons:

1) It sounds like you both met prior to you getting your great job. A proper gold digger would make sure you were wealthy first.

2) He is still engaged in productive activity (i.e., at school). No signs of giving up work and just leeching off you.

I think he made that joke is because deep down he feels less of a man being unable to contribute to the relationship. He has either turned into feeling like your toy or maybe his own values tell him he should be the one financially leading the way.

You both should talk about it. I don't think he's digging you up for gold though.

[martyfellow]

People tend to fall into patterns, and he's soused to yu paying for things that he's starting to assume you always will. he probabl isn't aware of this, himself.

it'snot that he doesn't love you, it's just the different situations you are in. Don't worry about it too much'

if the sitaution were reversed, most people would just call it normal, since guys are 'supposed' to be the bread winner and ;'supposed' to be paying for most things.

But when it's the woman paying, suddenly there must be something WRONG...

[Asker]

I do not think there has to be something wrong, like I mentioned I do not mind paying for things, because like you said we are in different situations, and I was aware of this before we started going out. BUT I want to make sure that he is not just using me, or like you said, that he does not fall into this pattern where he just assumes I will pay for everything all the time. I am hoping things even out once he gets a full time job :/ Thanks for your reply!

[martyfellow]

Yes, you'll be fine once he gets out of school, don't worry too much!

[Anonymous]

Sounds exactly like a gold digger. Get rid of this dude.