Why are so many men afraid to make a move these days?

It seems like more and more lately I've noticed or heard from my guy friends and my own personal experience is that even if they really like a girl, they'll wait for her to initiate or make a move. I understand girls can ask out guys as well, but I just think more men should stop being scared and go out for what they want. Granted, I do ask out guys occasionally, but most the time I just wait for them. Unfortunately, the type of guys that usually ask myself or my friends out seem to be the over confident or cocky assholes. Men, are you really that afraid of rejection that you can't ask out the girl you like?

Updates:
Don't guys think girls who ask them out are desperate? OR assume they just want sex from them? That's what I've heard anyway.
 

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What Girls Said 25

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    I'm speaking from personal experience and from friends I have, that girls like it when guys ask them out. It seems to indicate that the guy in question is confident not to mention that the girl gets a sort of medevil kick out of being the one asked. I'm not saying that girls shouldn't ask guys out, just that if they guy likes the girl or vise versa that the one who doing the "liking" should be the one to ask. Having guys not ask simply because they are afraid of what the girl might say is silly and waiting for the girl to ask you out is not a solution, the girl might be totally oblivious to the way you feel and be trying to not let on her feelings about you because she doesn't know how you feel about her. Besides, girls can ask guys out but they seem more unlikely to. Girls tend to expect the guy to be the first one to make a move. Guys, don't be so frightened of what we'll say =) we may surprise you xx

    • While the stupid concept of Feminism keeps surfacing, guys are not likely to do their natural thing - the thing they were born to do.

      Also, as someone else has mentioned, the Fems have now got everyone worried about charges of 'sexual harrassment"! ... meaning, that if the girl doesn't like them, they could claim harassment!

      Such is the legal nonsense left or instigated via feminism!

      If YOU want nature ... if you want Fun, you have to get rid of the feministic nonsense in society today!

    • it depends on how the girl rejects the guy that makes guys tired of having to make the first move

    • so guys should ask girls out because the one who is doing the liking should be the one to ask.. so girls do not 'like' guys. The guy should ask in case the girl does like the guy,. because the girl might be uncertain of howe he feels, & she does not want to let him know... which would mean she likes him no?


      yea OK incoherent. here's the coherent version-- if you like someone ask them out. fear just increses. the fewer things you are afraid of- women & men. men & women. the more you get done in life.

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  • I think it's because lately guys have been really into the whole "bad boys always get the girl" theory, so if they really like a girl they assume that she'll reject them if they don't fit the bad boy image.

  • have you ever asked a girl out... no? its really nerve racking

  • whats wrong with girls going after what they want? why is taking charge a masculine thing? it's the 21'st century, quit being so sexist

    • yeah that's true but doesn't mean it has to be that way

  • lol Because they get chatted up by women on the way to walking over to you...

  • It's a really scary thing. that's why the cocky ones are able to do it. I guess if you want them to ask you you have to make it easy for them , let them know you are interested make them feel confident that they might get yes.


    when you have asked guys out how did that work?

  • Guys have to have confidence in themselves to ask a girl out. Some are mostly like cocky and jerks if they approach a girl to only have sex unless that girl is OK with it.

    Some guys may genuinely not be interested in a relationship. A lot are non commital. Girls who ask guys out are not necessarily desperate. they can be really hot and guys are generally intimdated by them, so the girl makes the move or helps it along.

  • I think they want us to act like the pro. haha. What I mean is that they think that we think that they are just using us, sjo they let you make the first move to show that they aren't.

  • GREAT question, am off to check out the answers from the guys! It's a bugbear of mine, I don't approach guys, I'm too shy and I guess I'm old-fashioned, I want the guy to make the first move!

  • I don't think it's rejection they're afraid of, rather than ruining what's going good, or getting hurt in the long run. There's more to it than just rejection. All guys are different.

  • Its kinda sad. I thought this was the 21st cetury

    • Well I wouldn't say I'm 'right wing anti-feminist', but I like the guy to approach me because I have old fashioned values; I still like the chair pulled out for me, the door held open etc. I think feminism killed all those lovely old things men used to do for us and changed their opinion of women completely. It is SUCH a shame! :(

    • I know, I can't believe some girls today. THe right wing anti feminist " He has to approach me" mentality has infected women young and old and the backlash is that men are getting sick of us and ignoring us.

  • They are afraid of rejection

  • Unfortunately this question is asked frequently and there seems to be no consensus as to the reason(s) why fewer and fewer men/boys/guys etc. are willing to approach women. Rejection the obvious answer is the primary reason, but what rarely is discussed is the dynamics and reasoning behind rejection and the fear of rejection.


    Some women believe men and men alone should always take the initiative, to do otherwise is unmanly and even socially inappropriate. Others in contrast are quite assertive in their behavior toward men, believing that to make such critical choice like a companion or just casual boyfriend their options must be broader than the women who rely entirely on the man making the first move. This is more common with well educated women who have usually invested a lot in career and are adamant about not getting into a bad relationship. They reason that by approaching men they are essentially expanding the field of possibilities from which to choose. They are always getting offers, especially from the jerks. So that combined with pursuing on their own raises their chances of starting a relationship that they initiated. This gives women a feeling of empowerment and reduces the odds of a bad relationship.


    In the last half century the woman's movement has made possibilities for women that didn't exist in my mothers generation. The progress has improved our lives in so many ways. In this evolution our demeanor and even some of our basic personalities have taken a change for the better. More assertive, outspoken and responsible. We have learned that we don't need men financially. We can earn our own way in the world. In this new found freedom we have become something of a threat to SOME men, actually a shrinking minority of men. Mostly over 60 now. For the most part the ones under 60 have taken the journey with us and for the most part been supportive.


    In this period of great change, the signals men and women send to one another have also changed, the problem is we are suffering from a communication gap between the sexes that has both men and women very confused and frustrated with one another. "Is he interested in me or did I read it wrong?" "Should I call her or will she think I'm pushy?" We are tripping all over each other and it's driving us crazy. Especially the guys who have been supportive of women advancing and have to put up neanderthal women who insist they be like cavemen, yes there's actually a woman on this site who believes that primal instinct crappola. We don't have to go running after guys like bitches in heat or act like street girls. But this attitude that we can't approach men is hurting women more than it hurts men.


    Men are changing too and discovering they don't need women. Especially the shy ones. After what they've been through and the rejection all of them have experienced, they simply stay single and alone. And we women? Do you think we end up any different? If you would like to...

    • Thank you for that insight. I agree, I read what those animals wrote. It's a wonder more men don't just throw in the towel and forget about us.

    • If only more women would listen

    • Do you think we end up any different? You do. The shy guy never gets a first kiss, a girlfriend, a partner to share life with and because he is a single male he can never have kids or even adopt children because of his gender. While the girl goes out and *has her fun* with multiple guys and when no one wants her she can still have a family, she can still have kids, because of her gender can still adopt.

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  • people are often afraid to make a move because of the fear of rejection.

  • Thank you, I would like an answer to this question too please. The age of man is evaporating.

    • I just fancy an "alpha male", which seems to be a dying breed of man these days.

    • I get the feeling that 'synmar' and 'jennifer8' have different definitions of "the age of man".

    • let's fu(king hope so!

  • It boils down to rejection.The same reason girls don't bother to ask a guy out or the same reason a girl may be shy around their interest. No one wants to be rejected.Girls asking guys out does not equate to desperation,sex etc. It does equate to boldness and being awesome! I've spoken to guys who loved the idea of a girl asking them out!

  • If a guy made a move and a girl rejected them, the guy's ego would be hurt, and that is one thing guys need the most! The need their ego to be up so girls would be intrested them!

  • I kinda have this problem. There are actually quite a few guys that do make the moves on me, but unfortunately I'm just not interested in them. There is one guy that I'm actually interested in, but he doesn't seem to be into me. I want to ask him out, but I'm scared of rejection too. I understand what you mean guys. There are so many things that go through my mind...

    1. What if I'm not pretty enough?

    2. What if he doesn't like girls to make the first move?

    3. What if I'm not his type?

    4. If he was interested, he would have at least come over and talk to me... :(


    Ugh... annoying.

    • I can definitely see how that is confusing. I don't even know why girls do that. But you probably dodged a bullet with that girl. She's probably bipolar. lol

    • I had a girl chase me and one day I tried talking to her only to get rejected. Left me confused, hurt and not trusting girls much anymore.

  • If a person doesn't have the courage to ask a a girl out, that must mean the girls is not on his level. Maybe that guys should find more girls who are on his level to ask out; he'll have more confidence this way.

    • So, logically, what you must be saying is that some guys are just screwed regardless of what they do. That's just wonderful.

    • I didn't say it would raise it.

    • And this would raise his so-called 'level'? How does that make sense?

  • i get what your saying but I also feel the guys, rejection is a big thing & no one likes that, girls sometimes forget to make those little signals that give him the green light, if not they have no idea if your in a relationship or think they're ugly...so a nice smile his way or a look that lasts a bit long can give the guy the push he needs...but granted I know plenty of times I say to myself (damn it just come over & talk to me) but the guy won't & funny story was with someone I saw every time on my way to work via the train...did the whole staring thing & then I had enough so I grew some & plain & simple said "hey you got a girl?...he said no...so I said you got a number? & he gave it to me" hahahaha I was really nervous & was like shhh what if he thinks I'm crazy or if I get rejected...guys go through that every time...but yeah a lot of time if the guy had a better approach then ppssttt hey you...or the whistle then it would work better. hahahha

    • I like your style. You took control. I had a girl stare at me, follow me and one day I did what you did (I offered my number) and I got REJECTED! Never been more confused in my life over that one. It taught me women are unpredictable and change their minds quickly.

  • It's why the jerks get the girls. "Nice" guys like to feel sorry for themselves by saying it's because they are nice that they don't get girls when in reality, it's because they aren't assertive. Early bird gets the worm! I agree that any guy that likes you, jerk or nice, should be able to tell you. What's the worse that can happen? You say no. There are 3 billion other fish in the sea, life moves on. Despite any advances in gender role expectations, we do still live in a patriarchal society and men are still (and will always be) the dominant sex due to their strength and size, therefore I think society will always feel a need (and women biologically) to expect a man to assert himself since he holds more societal power. However, there will always be guys who are introverted, shy, passive, etc, and sadly they allow a good girl to pass them by because they can't bring themselves to just ask and by the time they finally get around to it, she's with someone else. My words of encouragement are for men of all types to just go for it. Women should feel that freedom too.

    • "I've noticed you're full of responses, but haven't got the courage to respond."


      That doesn't make sense. If they haven't got the courage to respond, then how do you know they are full of responses? o_O

    • Amazing how a 19 year old is already more mature than a 31 year old.

    • WOW! From What century did you just crawl?

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  • It does not make you girls seem desperate when asking us guys out, If anything it would be the other way round. I think it all depends on your actions, or how you ask. I personally feel that guys should always be the one to make the first move, but I'm not saying that girls shouldn't try as well. what I think is that it would be so much easier if both sides show that they're interested in one another. It don't have to be verbally, sometimes a little body language, or a little signal would do. Make eye contact, smile or smile back, wave, or finger-brush your hair back, anything is better than guessing.I guess you could say it would be like a first move, but think about it. When you give that one signal of interest it will ease that person and possibly likely to give them that bit of confidence to initiate. I'm just putting it out there, if both sides could just play that little part instead of guessing games, it'll be so much easier.


    As for rejection, yes, majority of guys like myself ARE that scared of rejection. Sometimes its not the rejection, there are also insecurity, or financially unstable, and so on. The thing is that there are only so much rejection that a guy could take, when a guy gets rejected over and over again it eventually hits the quitting point. That fear of rejection grows with each rejection, so those of you saying that it'll be easier after the first one is somewhat wrong, and by somewhat I mean that not all men are the same and think the same. Now, after so many attempts that fear has amplified enormously to where that person quits therefor, no more asking girls to go out, but wait for them to ask or show an interest instead. These are most of my experiences and till this day still scared of rejection, but the only thing is that I'm not a quitting type. I still try every now and then, but also what I like to put out there is being used. one of which that made me not want to search anymore. That person that would pretend to like you but was all an act just to get what they want. Anyways, body language is the key, let that person know that your interested by giving signs and if that person is interested in you, they'll give back a sign or initiate the first move. If that person does not have any interest the worst thing theyll do is ignore the sign and move on, no exchange of word or public humiliation lol.


    One more thing, If the guys are overly-confident, obnoxious, cocky douche-bags, then get rid of them. I can say for the nearly extinct nice guys still left in the world like myself, that you deserve better than to be mistreated, or used, or whatever the case may be.


    There's more that I want say relating to this topic but I'm too tired and lazy to go on, but I hope this helped a bit, but, sayonara! - Kajima B.

  • Too many conceited bitches these days. Women are often very disrespectful when they reject a guy, with that in mind, who the hell will put themselves out there? Not only that but not only we have to make the first move, but we also have to put up with their damn tests, to make ourselves datable and attractive for them...its not easy to be a guy man.

  • I don't know if I answered this or not I don't really feel like looking throw 100 answers. But to me I don't ask women, I have gotten a girl to aks me out before (although it turned out pretty bad) I gave her a chance which is more than I can say about any women I have ever asked out. I know girls don't want to ask guys out because there scared but guys get scared as well, and if you have had bad experiances before just telling someone oh well or just get over it isn't going to work.


    Also in my experiance I have come to realize the fantasys of girls wanting the nice sweet quiet guys is fading and fading fast. Those type of guys for the most part don't make moves I will give you that but the constant obsession with excitment that people want to live life on the edge and live for the moment really doesn't do the nice, sweet, quiet guys any favors. It appears in a fairly short amount of time most guys will become one dimensional in the fact they all must live up to what is hype and they always must be exciting instead of being themselvs. Its really just processing a line of zombies who who listen to the same music, wear the same clothes, talk the same, and eventualy thing the same.


    Not to mention 2011 men have more pressure then any men before them to be in shape, to look good, to have proper grooming. Everywhere we look in this day in age men now are shown on tv, adds anything as having to be big muscular and attractive. Yes women have had to deal with this for a long time but this is new to the male species and we are adJusting to it and apart of this adjustment is having to hear criticism about the way we look as well now. And a lot of guys can't take that. I myself since joining this site have been told my eyebrows are to bushy, my shoulders are to hunched, I been called a slob because I have a picture with stubble, I been called fat because my face is slightly rounded towards the bottom and I been criticised about how light my skin is. These are all things men for thousands of years never had to worry about now we do and now we have developed into more protective creatures who don't want to be judged or criticised negitivly.

  • You think that we men should sstop being scared to ask girls out? I think that you women should learn to stop rejecting the sweet lonely guy whod give up everything for one day with a girl.

  • Because chicks these days are f***ed in the head.

  • if women aren't willing to approach men, then why are you all fighting for "equal" rights...

  • I hope it stays that way because times are changing, I'm curious as to who girls will choose, if the guy doesn't approach them, and if you don't want to approach a guy, may you forever be alone.

  • they have been feminized and don't even know it... 45+ years of gynocentricism being forced-fed to everyone causes stuff like that...

    • Precisely! :)

      It's about time someone else also woke up in society to what has ruined it for everyone: Feminism!

    • LOL

  • I really hate to say it but the reason so many guys are the cocky a**holes are because that's the most effective way for a guy to get some ass. Or sadly to even land the girl that they like these days. We've been saying this forever but the truth really is, good guys are a dying breed. Check out sites like doubleyourdating.com that's the new breed of guys that you're going to get surrounded by. Obnoxious jackasses that follow a multi step formula to getting a chick in bed. The worst part of all is the system actually works, seriously chicks really fall for this system. My suggestion would be to try initiating the conversation or a date with a guy, sometimes if you want a quality guy you are going to have to put in the work. What do you have to lose? Except a lifetime of failed relationships with one f*cking meat head after another.

  • we hate rejection, personally I hate it as in it pisses me off, makes me angry, not hurt my feelings

  • Some men in today's society have been castrated mentally by the Feminist movement of the last 40 years. These men will seek out women who have a mentality closer to that of women before this movement, although they don't exist that much anymore. A consequence of this movement created sexual harassment laws in the work place that have made it nearly impossible for a man to ask woman out, lest he be fired for doing so.


    Also, even though wage indicators show men making more than women, women occupy a greater sector of jobs that men occupied 30 to 40 years ago, mainly middle sector business, white collar jobs. With women filling in these positions, men making less will likely avoid dating a women of higher wage. It is easily proven that a man will avoid a woman who makes more than he does.


    So, to answer your question: Society has made average men cautious of the modern women. The higher your status as a women, the less likely you will find a partner. The lower your status, the easier you'll find a date and a partner.

    • I am so glad that Finally, some 30 years after I wrote the book, that there are now people who are waking up to the oure destructive power that Feminism has been for all of us! ... including the Fems themselves! that is the whole Irony.

      If you can get hold of it at all, you will find most of your answers in the book, "Australia Imploded!", by Denis Towers

    • The "so-called feminist movements" also made it so that women could play sports in school and professionally, and go to college. So, uh, yeah.

    • The so called feminist movements indeed destroyed the polarity of men and women alike.

      Women, due to male role models in the business world began to model male behavior, became tough and thus less approachable even in terms of intimate relationships. Once we have to be tough we are having an amazingly hard time to go back to our natural flow, the sensitivity, the intuition, the vulnerability and openness.

  • First no we never think a girl is desperate. Its more her showing interest for the guys to know that he can now start the chase because she is into him. Here is the deal, girls seem to usually push a guy away when he is trying to ask her to hang out. They always say they are busy but then leave a little hope for him by say something that will keep him around just so she gets attention. Its absolutely insane how many girls reject even after a guy takes time to get to know them.

    • Excellent, Excellent comment, JoiceJoker!

      Yet 40 years ago, they were all so thick and blind to the realities of life!

      Thanks for your thoughtful comment.

      If you want to know where it all went wrong and how it has ruined matters, try Denis Towers' book, "Australia Imploded!"

    • Yes, it's non-comprehensible. Men as well as most women don't understand why they are running this pattern. When we are in our feminine energy we need the attention. It's our emotional dependency on men to give it to us. No one else, not even our children can give us what you have. The strength, the initiative, the emotional stability.


      You are the one's we can lean on after we stormed all over you until we completely exhausted ourselves. And hopefully not be judged as being hysterical or insan

  • Well, do you girls like to get shot down when asking a guy out? It's an easy question to answer if you ask me. Unless you have built up an immunity to rejection or being rejected, then you definitely don't like to be rejected. So of course you don't want to put yourself in that situation. Also, when women do it, you girls can be pretty harsh. Say you're in a club or something, and you want this one guy you're interested in to come up and talk to you, but there are other girls in the club that he has his eye on. He does know you are interest in him, or else he really is out to lunch and clueless, but isn't making a move because he isn't interested. Then there is another guy who noticed you ever since you walked into the club. He's not the guy you are attracted to because you have your eyes, heart set on this one. So he (the uninteresting one) get's enough balls and courage to ask you to dance or for a drink or something and probably doesn't know what to say to someone that's not showing interest to gain her interest, and then get's shot down or laughed at or just ignored. Well, once bitten, twice shy so the saying goes.


    Another scenario is the girl the guy is interested in isn't showing any signs of interest in him. So the guy tries to ask her out, but then gets a weird look, or like, where is this coming from sort of answer from the girl. This ruins the friendship or he's always going to feel awkward around this girl from now on. Especially if he's liked her for a long time.


    Also, most girls I've heard, likes a guy to approach them with confidence. That's a lot easier to do when you get an inclination that the girl has some interest in you. But if you go blind, it takes a little more razzle-dazzle or more charm to catch a woman's interest. Depending I guess on the situation and environment. That's why it's a bad idea for women looking for a true relationship to try and find someone in a club setting. A club is like an arena where the fittest and most confident and strongest survive. It's also competition based because of this fact. So if you're going to a club, in a guy's mind, it's all about competition and if I am the better guy than any other guy in there tonight for one woman I choose. So you have to have even more testosterone or exude more cockiness to gain the confidence and strength to be the with the most charm, best attitude, best looking out of many with the same look, style, ability, etc. in the arena.

    • Without the complimentary characteristics of femininity, masculinity can not survive. And we crave masculine men, those men who are strong enough to put up with our bullsh*t and still love us when we don't deserve it. WOMEN SPEAK UP! Wouldn't you love to f**k up any and still feel accepted and wanted? MEN WANTED! Wouldn't you love to be admired for not being judgmental?

  • More shy guys, more single girls! Not a bad thing at all! ))) As for your last question, - no, a first move from a girl is not desperate. Confident girls are sexy, and no, that does'nt automatically means she want only sex.

  • no it is not desperate and f*** double standards

    • hahaha you think you are a tough guy asailum?

    • guys like this loser bitch and complain about the way they wish life was (girls flocking to losers) and expect others to care... bahahaha

  • Wow...all this sexism in just a few sentences. Its not about men being afraid of rejection, if you're out and attractive...they likely assume you already have a man and have enough respect commonly to not step on other peoples toes. No men don't have to be the only person that asks someone out...you are a grown up now, and this isn't the fifties where you have to sit by the phone and wait for some suitor to come a-calling. You are supposed to try to pretend to be strong and independant for yourself...do attempt to learn to be. You are better than assuming someone should come up to you...thats...almost arrogant. "Im sitting over HERE. Yeah I like him, but IM NOT getting up...if HE wants to talk he should come to ME!" I mean...it sounds selfish arrogant, cocky, and even childish...youre better than that. The next time YOU see a man YOU like...dont wait for him to come to you, don't wait for some other girl to chat him up, just stand your own butt up and go offer to buy him a beer. Every guy likes a girl who is assertive and aggressive and can speak the truth about the things she wants. You go do that to a guy...just come up and start chatting with him...and damn if you don't have a date!

    • The Sexism is great! Let it all ride ... it has been far too long returning to society.

      We WANT men different from women = > Puts all the fun back into the equation :)

  • I already answered this question many times in other questions, check here for a couple of possible background influences on why men are complete p****** link


    To add to it, there's a lot of unconscious "programming" that happens everyday growing up that makes men shoot themselves down before they try. Only some few people break through those societal pressures and live unihibited to go for what they want and do what they want.

    • big deal, so what?

    • and also, the guys on here that say they would like chicks to approach them are the guys who also expect to follow the girl around like a puppy and please her. A confident guy likes the shy feminine traits of a girl which those outgoing forward girls completely contradict.

  • It just seems dumb to make a move unless the girl gives some kind of obvious signal she wants you to because so many girls have so many guy friends you can never tell if you're in the friend zone or not. If I'm in the friend zone and make some move on a girl she's going to either classify me as a man whore or everything will be awkward after that and the friendship will pretty much end.

  • Hey, why not wait for a girl to initiate? Then we know they're interested. When you're asked, you're in the position of power, to reject or accept. When you do the asking, you're in the position of weakness.

  • I can play any card in the deck of 52 girl. Confident, shy, cocky, asshole you name it I have done them all and most of it leads to no where. If you want a material approach which most women do, such as "let's go get coffee sometime" or "would you like a protein shake?" even a simple "hi how are you?" to test the waters. Most women are irritated with being approached. They're more likely to make you out to be a stalker in a gym by telling on you at the front desk. I seen this before myself and laughed. Most men aren't going to waste his invaluable time with some girl who is boring, does nothing but lay around in the sun all day, swims, eats, then more sun tan lotion. Fixes herself up etc. If you want a guy so bad to approach you that you like stop crying about it. Do what men do keep trying! As for myself I'm tired of the bullsh*t, don't like the constant games and have found more happiness being alone and not annoyed. It's work that usually goes no where. Most guys will wait for the girl since they know this way the girl is serious possibly. In the mean time men are busy with work, hobbies etc. Looking to make forward progress in his chosen endeavors. Women are just spoiled and selfish and want it all handed to them because they think their pu$$y is worth gold LOL! The amount of dumb questions and conversation with women is enough to drive me away. I get that enough from my own mother. Don't need a second one.

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