Why do people say mean things when angry?

[Anonymous]

This is going out to guys and girls although my perspective is from dealing with men. My long term boyfriend and I rarely fight but we have gotten into a few heated arguments. When he gets really mad he says the meanest things and is quick to blame me for everything. I know anger clouds our minds but still. He also will make comments referring to breaking up and is completely unwilling to speak to me like an adult. In my opinion empty threats to end a relationship are off limits. Why can't people fight fair? Any and all comments welcome. No judgment here. I'd like feedback from people that may do this because I simply don't understand it.

[danigurl56]

I admit I say mean things when I am angry. I'm the type who bottles things up and explodes every so often, which is not good! I don't like fighting/arguing because I grew up around a lot of arguing/fighting with my parents. So I will let things go, rather than talk about them at the time they happen..which leads to me getting frusterated & going off about everything at one time. I'm naturally fiesty which doesn't help as well, but at the same time I'm a very sweet/caring person. I am trying to learn to control my emotions when I'm angry and figure out how to keep my cool because after things are said & done, I flood with regret and I'm hurt that I said such hurtful things. I think everyone is different, its just about learning to control your anger. Some people go for blood when they are angry. I'm truly very sensitive, so when my feelings get hurt, instantly I get upset & then I become really angry! I wouldn't worry about what he says when he's angry, you know him best. Ya'll have been together a long time. Just understand not ALL people are the same when they are angry, we all react differently. Maybe you both can come up with an action plan when you are angry, so mean things aren't said. Best Wishes!

[sugahsweet18]

This sounds quite similar to me and my boyfriend. I think myboyfriend takes any argument as a personal attack, and refuses to try and speak calmly about things. Instead resorting to bringing up past fights which had been solved already and making really low hurtful comments.

[cecil]

One of my exes and I would argue a lot at first. (we moved in together at a young age, so lots of stupid arguments)

But when we would argue about something stupid...dishes, trash, etc... out of nowhere she'd start to attack my family, insult me directly, and talk about things that had nothing to do with the topic at hand. (really low stuff)

After a while, I asked her during a particularly stupid fight, "why do you always talk to me like that?" And she told me, "because I know you'll never leave me."

She just took for granted that I was there for her to take out ALL of her frustrations on. We talked a lot after that. I found out she never stood up for herself at work, or with her own family...and she just took everything out on me.

And because I had put up with it, it just got worse and worse. Well, after talking it through, it really helped, and we got a lot better about only fighting about the topic at hand. And I would then try to help her deal with her work and family problems, outside of our relationship.

Not saying that's the only reason people fight like this, just my own experience.

[Asker]

Thank you for sharing. I can totally relate because my boyfriend also brings up unrelated things and says hurtful comments.We have been through a LOT and he's hurt me a lot but I NEVER bring those things up or say hurtful comments.He got so mad once he told me to move back home forever(I moved here for him).The next day I talked to him about it and he said it was an empty threat and he wouldn't have let me go if I really tried to leave.It sounds to me like he thinks like your girl used to.Like I'll never leav

[chrsschb]

Do not talk to each other when one of you is angry. Nothing positive will ever come out of trying to talk, solve problems, compromise, etc while angry. Take some time apart, cool down, then talk. If the angry person won't leave the calm person alone then leave for a bit until they calm down. Remove yourself from the situation.

[RedThread78]

lol sorry but before I read your description I laughed so hard at the question that's like saying why do people say nice things when they are happy?

But yeah it's good for everybody to learn self control when angry so as not to hurt people...

[Asker]

Hahaha I know it sounds like such a silly question with an obvious answer. I mean yeah when I was a kid I would say mean things when angry but then I grew up and realized it's not the way to handle things. It just boggles my mind that some adults still resort to that. Sticks and stones is most def not true.

[RedThread78]

i agree id rather take physical abuse then mental sometimes... sticks and stones may break my bones but words can kill the soul

[shacodraco]

because they're angry. I rarely get angry tho and when I always try to think about what I'm saying. some people aren't as cool as me though.

[Asker]

Do you think it is a way to exhibit some control because he/she can't communicate like an adult? My opinion is that you should never want or intend to hurt someone you love no matter how angry you are. Believe me I have wanted to take a few verbal shots myself but I never do.

[shacodraco]

yeah it would be a lot better if he kept control but obviously he has a hard time with that. the best thing you can do is not take anything that he says when he's angry seriously. that's hard to do I know but honestly it's probably the best thing to do. or just walk away and wait for him to cool off during a fight. but that's probably even harder to do.

[Asker]

Sometimes I want to give him a taste of his own medicine hahaha. But I'll never do that.

[Anonymous]

Because we all lose are heads and control of are emotions when angry, stressed or depressed

[rosecoloredglasses]

sounds to me like he needs anger management