What do you do when your boyfriend is talking inappropriately to another girl?

[Anonymous]

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months. He started a new job (which I supported him in taking) where there were a lot of females and recently I have begun to get a bad feeling about some of his interactions. I told him my concerns and he said that I was being jealous for no reason. I told him then that to me, an emotional affair would be just as bad as a physical one. He said that I should trust him and that he would never hurt me like that. We rarely ever have sex and it's always been that way. The excuses started with not feeling good about himself because of financial troubles and so forth. Now he's telling me that in addition to that, me trying to get him to have sex (I make a move about once a month), and me being worried about other girls, makes him not want to. I have been working so hard not to be jealous, and have stayed quiet even when things do bother me. He recently left that job, and before he did, two single girls took him out to lunch, which I said nothing about. This week, still feeling insecure, I stooped to checking his phone and found messages between himself and one of those girls. He wrote her on valentine's day to thank her for a gift (which I knew nothing about) and that it would always be very special to him and that he was thinking about her on valentine's day. They have been writing back and forth and talking about not losing each other, and very much wanting to see each other. She also said that she has kept a wall up because she would never do anything to intentionally hurt someone's relationship but that she is really looking forward to seeing him. I think the fact that she is saying this is intentionally trying to hurt our relationship. From the tone of the messages, it certainly feels like there is more than feelings of friendship between them. I have been working so hard and he has made me feel so bad about questioning him and all of this has been going on. I love him but is it worth it? Am I being overly sensitive? Should I tell him I know about this? Help please. I am hurting big time.

[Anonymous]

OMG, this guy is selling a bag of b.s. about the sex life and about the girl. He is totally disrespecting you, but worse yet, you will be disrespecting yourself to stay with him.

Here it goes, you can tell him all you want about how you want sex and about how he shouldn't be talking to that girl the way he is, but I have news. He will just dig his heels in harder and argue against anything you have to say. He's already doing that. That is actually the problem here. It isn't all the other stuff, it is that he does not care about what you are saying or what you are feeling. Every time you bring up a legitimate concern, his response is to tell you that it is your fault. That is a horrible sign. Once you get to that point in a relationship, there really isn't a chance of fixing anything because he is not in a place with you to participate. He will just excuse his behavior and blame you and you cannot fix a relationship with only one person working on it.

If I were you, I would end it with him. He is already distancing himself from you and it is only a matter of time before he either cheats or breaks up with you.

[igoRAWR]

There really is only one thing to do, break up with him. I know it's hard, 9 months is a good while, but it's better if you do it now than risk even harder heartbreak later on. It is a good thing that you found this out so soon so you can end it before he does. It sounds to me he has lost attraction to you or wants to have sexual intentions with other women, experiment. In the future, if I were you, I would wait until marriage to have sex again. Just because you have sex with a man doesn't mean you officially have him. Sex to a man is like getting flowers to a women. Sweet and thoughtful, but if a man gets us flowers we don't automatically think "I'm going to marry this man!" or whatever. Also, don't bug him about it, this will drive him away worse. Before you break up with him don't confront him about it. It's hard to explain, but it's best if you just say something like, "I know how you really are and I'm sorry but you're not good enough for me anymore. I deserve better. It's over." And don't fall into any 'please get back with me' tricks. Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater! Well, I hoped I helped!

[Asker]

That's the thing. I certainly haven't bugged him about having sex because I don't want to be a nag...but we have only had ex 5 or 6 times in that 9 month span and he only initiated once. He keeps telling me that he is attracted to me and that I just need to be patient with him. I feel like I have been really patient. He has everyone convinced that he is such a great guy, and everyone loves him, and I just think he is a really good actor, and I don't feel like he is an honest person.

[igoRAWR]

Go with your gut then. You're going to keep thinking about it until something happens. Sure you can try to ignore it but eventually it will get old and there's a certain point you reach in your life when you get tired of dealing with people and their crap, trust me. But if I were you, I'd just end it now and get all the worryness and stuff out of your life. You can't find the right man if one is in the way of his spot.

[Hunterboyz]

I'm sorry...

I've been that guy before... & I can tell you that it doesn't look good for you...

His interest are somewhere else, and you know...

So let him know, that you know what's going, and that if he wants someone else, then leave the relationship. In so many ways, he's disrespected you, and if you were my sister, I'd want you to leave him...

Its all up to you. Whether you can trust him again for what he did and is doing, or if he can trust you again for what you did...

Either way, its a very tough situation, that must be dealt with in a open communication situation.

Good Luck

Sincerely,

A Loving Black Man

[markacealps]

I will say that ur a matured girl and donot let the insecurities come over u. Give full time to ur bfreind and have faith on him. Talking and meeting diff. gals is quite common./ some times girls do th same. Just ttry to spend more and more time with ur bfriend. You said you rdoing hardwork, but you must spend ur lovable moments iwth ur boyfreind. Make him remember all the happy days you spent together. Ur best part is you really like him so let him feel it. thnks.

[e-mail]

[RomanceDetective]

Hi, Given the circumstances outlined, I would suggest 2 things. If you swallow your feelings, it will interfere with your sexual openness and flow...so sometimes permissing yourself to getting angry and letting it out, in a way that is not accusing but is about how you feel releases the energy and the truth and honesty of expression without repression is transforming. This take great courage and vulnerability...but there is nothing more beautiful than the truth of who you are and if that is "p*ssed off" then let him have it, see it, give him all of you.The other option, is to tell him that you want to take a break, and sincerely take a break. Self love means-not tolerating what makes you unhappy, focussing on time with yourself and taking delight in YOU. This is an elixur for Love and love will sort itself out. When there is pain inside, it immediately is alarm bells of for some self time. Have no fear of taking some time out, quietly and respectfully, move away, no drama, no making wrong, no dragging up the girls...this will shock him. What he thinks he wants may be less, he will have time to miss you and appreciate you and may want to romance you back, if it is romance that is lagging. Best of luck

[LOstgirlXS3]

You know something!

if I were you and road all this sh*t in his phone I'd just take the phone and give it to him and ask him "can you tell me what's this?"

like! if he really cared about you and never wanted to hurt you he wouldn't text that girl and tell her that he was thinking about her in that valentine's day.

Just ask him about it and if he denys it show him his messages then break up with him.

i'd throw it in his face then break up with him.

lol Yep I'm wild.

9 months! so what? it didn't mean anything to him so it can be nothing to you too.

[Asker]

I will be eyeing this situation very closely, but only for a short time longer, before I leave. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm not #1 in his life and I should be. If I do leave, I will be confronting him, and even if I don't, I'm confronting him soon I think and just let the chips fall where they may. I can see him getting p*ssed at me for checking his phone and dumping me. Ironic isn't it.

[LOstgirlXS3]

Yea it is,forget him just break up with him he sounds an asshole,how could he do this to you if he really cared about you?

And there's a point : if he were really loyal to you he wouldn't dump you ,when you check his phone absolutely not he would say you can check it anytime lol so he can prove his loyalty to you.

You will have a better life when you leave him, trust me ,even though I know it will hurts you so bad and you will miss him but day by day you will forget him and then you will realise that he didn't deserve you, at the end you will find someone can makes you happy.

[pearl1979]

It is so stupid when you think there may be a problem the guy is quick to accuse you of jealousy. Make you feel bad. In reality he is actually getting it on. The fact that he hasn't told about being in contact with this gal , the present and that he was thinking about her on valentines definently shows his dishonesty and disrespect for you. Their messages don't seem like a "friend kind of deal" anyways. If I were you I would confront him about it eventhough you went through his phone. Honestly I would dump him-

[Jenny_04]

I'm just curious as to how this situation has turned out for you. I have a very similar issue, except I don't know what the text messages said, only that he would text when I wasn't around...and a lot. He's not a very "social" person, and I know he doesn't keep a lot of close female friends so the fact that he's doing this is so hurtful.

The bad part is that we just got engaged. Although I can't prove that he's done anything wrong, I still feel that he has been very disrepectful to me. I don't carry on texting conversations with guy friends for days. Its because I respect him.

Besides, we've been together 6 years, and this happenned before at the very beginning of our relationship. I believe in second chances, but this is his second...and now we're engaged, so I don't think I should put up with anymore of this crap.

[Anonymous]

What's your heart telling you? What's your instinct telling you? If something feels off then seriously think about it. If trust is lacking in a relationship then something's seriously wrong. If you have to snoop around to find out what he's up to, and you're upset about what you find, then something's seriously wrong.

Telling him about your snooping will make things harder because it IS a violation of trust. You need to be honest with him about how you feel. What he's doing is inappropriate for someone who's in a relationship. I don't think you should give him an ultimatum or anything, but lay everything out on the table and see how he responds. Tell him you love him but you feel like there's something off about your relationship. Try to be reassuring so that he can be honest with you.

[Asker]

That's exactly how I feel, like something's "off". I hate the fact that I snooped and you are right, that's a violation of trust right there. I agree that ultimatums don't work so I wont' go that route. I also agree that I need to tell him that I feel like something is quite not right. I feel like his is not being totally open and honest with me and that concerns me.

[_JustSmile_]

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm going through a somewhat similar issue right now but it hasn't gone as far as your issue has (yet?). I feel ya, lady.

Listen, break it off. He shouldn't be doing that to you. He can say all he wants to you, but it all comes down to this: actions speak louder than words.

[babybubbler]

i went through exactly the same...

i know what your feeling like and it is f***ing horrible...

emotionally cheating is the same as physical..

i just got out of that relationship..

i confronted my ex and he was sorry for about a month or two..

then it went back to the same way...

i found that I relied on checking his phone and Facebook nearly everyday... but just remember there is a delete button... I took him back after this about 6 times unitil I had had enough...

i found out yesterday that he had infact slept with 4 girls when he was with me..

do you really want this as a future? to constantly wonder what is on his phone etc?

its not a good way to live...

its your choice on whether you think you are strong enough to handle the mind games... but you get inside your own head and it doesn't stop...

you drive yourself mental with the questions and always looking for answers...

your choice if you want to live like that or get out while you can..

good luck x

[Hunny]

OMG it's like you're narrating what happened to me a few years ago with my ex. The f***ed up part is that he'd get Outraged and scream at me when I confronted him about my suspicions. Accusing me of being a bad wifie for not trusting him. After some time he finally confessed to me that he'd in fact cheated on me several times. He had the gull to tell me I was a bad wifie makes me sick.

[nighttxflightt]

Sounds to me like your boyfriends hiding something. Weither it be a big deal or not, he should be 100% honest with you at all times. Even if that gift was just a friend sorta thing, he should have told you about it and not act as if it never existed. Tell him that you know. If not, it could only get worse. And if he breaks up wtih you for being over protective, that's bull. You HAVE to be overprotective with the person you "love". If not then that's just showing you don't care. And telling him it bothers you should be the first step. If he doesn't respect that then he is not for you at all. If he fails all your tests, he's probably not loyal to you.

[Anonymous]

There has to be something going on or he would be more open with you. One of my best friend's husbands was having an affair and when she started getting suspicious of this girl he was texting and asked him about it, she got the same crap. He would get super defensive and start a fight. She dropped it cause she didn't want to hurt her marriage by getting jealous and a year later, he left her for the other woman that she asked him about a year earlier. I am telling you, it sounds JUST like her story. Please be cautious, if you stay with him, you are going to get hurt. It takes 2 people in a relationship. Trust you gut and good luck!

[Angie770]

Alright enough ! You are too overly emotional and clingy. Guys are going to do whatever it is that they are going to do. Unless you two are married engaged or planning to get married I would not worry about it. It is called the 3 foot rule . If this person is not grown enough to talk to you and he is not adult enough to tell you then you are busting your head against a brick wall for what who knows.

[Asker]

I'm sorry but "boys will be boys" does not fly with me. Guys cheat because we put it up with it way too much and because there are always girls who don't give a sh*t that the guy is taken...but that does not make it right. It's your boyfriend's obligation to keep his d*** in his pants. It amazes me that as a female, you condone cheating. I don't feel that I am being too emotional by feeling pain that my boyfriend is probably f***ing around on me. You're right though, I do feel that for a

[Asker]

Time, I was being a bit clingy but it was in direct response to him pulling away. I don't think any woman should have to put up with being cheated on, whether they are getting married or not.

[zentai]

There is a book and recently a movie... Where they teach you: If a guys does not want to have sex with you (no matter what reason) he is not in to you... Well I think that is pretty true in your case. Sorry :(

[sumina7]

What are you? His mother?

He is acting insensitive and disrespectful and you are HURTING? You should be angry and dump him.

[Urbanpunk22]

yes you should tell him you know about everything and you need to tell him that he has to choose between her and you because what he is doing totally counts as cheating in my book

[dreamxperfection]

I don't think it's worth it. He obviously has other priorities. Letting go will hurt, but I also KNOW that hanging on is going to hurt so much more. I'm so sorry you fell in love with such an asshole. You're not being overly sensitive. This is not a relationship you should be in.

If you want to, chat me sometime about it.

[cherold]

That girl is trying to get him I suspect, so watch your boyfriend.

[Asker]

That's my thought as well...I think her and her sister are working together on that front.

[Asker]

I'm wondering should I tell him that I know about the messages? I still don't think I know everything and I know that even if I confront him, he won't confess to anything, make excuses, and probably break up with me for not trusting him. The sad part is, I'm the one who is probably going to come out looking bad.

[melissaloveselliot]

he doesnt. :)