My boyfriend doesn't pay for me? help!

so me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 8 months, and we've barely gone on any dates .. I could count on my fingers how many "dates" we've been on. I'm his second gf, and his first girlfriend was his first love, first kiss, first sex, first everything.. and then they broke up maybe two years ago and she died about three months before me and him started dating. he said he used to buy her EVERYTHING, when they went shopping he'd buy her clothes and things, and I know for a fact they used to go on dates like movies and dinner etc .. he's also obsessed with money and making/saving money, he says that he works hard for his money so it's his and that's why he doesn't spend money on me.. a few times when we've grabbed a bite to eat I've actually had to pay for myself too.. its really been getting to me because all we ever do is go to parties and go to either one of our houses.. basically, we do things that don't cost money. how do I get him to understand that he should treat me as equal to his last gf? I'm not asking for him to buy me things when we go shopping, just a date here and there would be nice. oh and he didn't give me anything for my birthday or valentines day either. PLEASE HELP :(


Most Helpful Girl

  • Maybe, the fact that his ex died he is afraid to "hurt" her memory by doing the same things..may sound crazy and not to say it makes up for not treating you somewhat the same as he talks about he did with her, but could be an explanation. Or possibly he did not like spending so much on someone (money is a starter but making her his first of so much tops it off and all that effort) and then it ending...maybe he's scared that will happen with you and he'll be left with the thought he spent so much (translated into gave so much) and you left him.

    If you did not mention the birthday or valentines day thing and are nervous( I personally prefer hand made and such to money gifts) but just ask him do you feel that two people in a relationship should pay for all their own stuff and not spend money on gifts? If he says yes then you have to ask yourself if that is how you can handle being in a relationship and if the rest of him makes up for that "flaw".

    Remember, the topic of money is one of the leading causes of relationship issues, so make sure you properly address this - if you cannot be honest about this thing now, after so long together, marriage will be tough. Gather all the nerve you can and just out with it - it'll suck at first may even cause a fight - but if it bothers you this much you have to say something. Because, I know your situation it is not the money as much as the feelings of not being as important to him involved so let him know how it makes you feel.

    Good luck! :)


What Guys Said 25

  • Maybe he doesn't want to create dependency; maybe that' what went wrong with his prior relationship.

    Maybe he wants this realtionship to be more equal, more 'modern.' I know I did, fed up with having to pay for everything.

  • "how do I get him to understand that he should treat me as equal to his last gf?"

    You're entitled to being treated as equal to him.

    IDK how his relationship with her really was but it seems unbalanced,according to what he tells you.

    Her death might have changed him (and/or his perception of her and his perception of their relationship)

    Do you see what I'm hinting at?

  • Wow... army ant... you really are an asshole...

    Simply amazing. You constantly repeat that she expects her boyfriend to spend his money in exchange for sex, therefore she's a prostitute.

    She didn't actually even mention having sex with her bf, you're assuming that they do. Not only that, you're also drawing a false conclusion that she expects payment FOR sex.

    She states "I'm not asking for him to buy me things when we go shopping, just a date here and there would be nice. oh and he didn't give me anything for my birthday or valentines day either"

    She is simply requesting this dude give her the attention & gifts one would normally expect to get in a relationship. A birthday gift makes her a whore?

    LMAO... you're such a fvcking sexist piece of sh!t... I bet you expect your girlfriend to get you a birthday present AND spread her legs for you. If she doesn't, I guess she must be a whore then...

    It's absolutely hilarious that you act like this poor girl is an embarrassment to women. You think women have to earn your affection and shouldn't expect any gifts or attention from you. At least not without calling themselves a whore.

    Then you turn around like a hypocrite & say this undermines other women's struggle for respect? LMAO apparently if it was left up to you we still wouldn't have women voting & somewhat equal pay for women.

    How nice it must be to live in the 1950s with your head up your ass & treat women like sh*t, but act like you're doing them a favor by showing your attention.

    You make me sick. This poor girl isn't an embarrassment to women.

    YOU army ant are an embarrassment to MEN. Your sexist, chauvinistic, and juvenile outlook on women is just flat out pathetic. It's guys like you that make chicks all around think "all guys are assholes". I swear to God I'm ashamed to even be a man if it means I have something in common with you.

    You are a sad little boy & I pity you. If you truly view women in this light, you must be lonely indeed. I cannot imagine how sh*tty an existence it must be to be called YOUR GF.

    You want to respond to my argument and then block me like a little child, for what? So you can have the last word? lmao... again dude... just friggin pathetic loser behavior. If you cannot win an argument you end the debate.

    • Just for that I'm blocking you too.

      YEY! that's two anonymous people on the internet you have successfully managed to alienate yourself from. Btw army ant was winning that debate long before he blocked you. And anyone can go look up and research the correct translation of the bible.

      Ill bet you are a blast in real life and have tons of friends!

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    • As for how fun I am in real life? Lmao... people appreciate charming, intelligent, and respectful people that can discuss a wide range of issues with actual knowledge.

      I probably wouldn't be the most popular guy at a fraternity house, but then again, I wouldn't WANT to be. I have all the TRUE friends I need or want. You probably have tons of acquaintances you consider friends, that would watch you drown before they help you.

      Considering your ignorance, you probably don't know the difference

    • Wow. VERY well said, Tiruas :)

      I bet army ant and some other sexist jerk were the ones to disapprove your comment... lol.

  • Uh... maybe he's just not that into you...

    Sorry, but honestly, he isn't treating you right.

    Get a new boyfriend that respects you & treats you good.

    He douched you on your bday & valentines?

    What more does this dude need to do to burn you...?

    Ditch him... sooner rather than later.

    Or at the very least sit him down and tell him how crappy he's making you feel & that he isn't treating you right. If he doesn't change it's because he doesn't respect you... yet again, ditch him.

    • How can he not be that into her? it seems like his treatment is clearly based off his past relationship and has nothing to do with his current GF.

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    • And btw you are wrong.

      It actually says thou shall not -murder- not kill. Based off the original bible that was in Hebrew.

      i could prove you wrong all day long, but I'm done with you. ta ta.

    • I read your other posts, because I could not believe you actually thought that way. I was curious to read what warped opinions you had on other matters.

      I like to be informed BEFORE I pass judgement.

      Military support is Nationalism. Bible support is religion. Its not the same

      If everyone followed the bible (or the koran for that matter) nobody would even need an army.

      I don't agree with the military being all over the world telling others how to live. It's not America's business... never was.

  • Before I start, you might want to take a look at this. link

    Relationships are about treating other people with respect, while simultaneously not kissing their ass.

    If someone does something for someone, they expect a return on their investment.

    The amount someone loves someone, or how much they are attracted to someone has to do with how invested they are. Attraction=investment.

    Lets suppose you got your dream car, it took you 20 years to save up for it, imagine the leather seats, how great it looked and how much your friends hated you for being busy all the time, working to save up the money to get it. Then you drive it home and in your driveway there is that same exact car, that you won in a race. Which one would you be more apt to sell? Of course the one you won in the race. Because of all the hard work you put into it. The person buying the car would choose probably the one you didn't drive home because of the miles you put on it.

    A woman asking a guy to pay for stuff is asking for him to invest in the relationship.

    What is the woman doing in return? Does she kiss him, does she do anything like hold his hand? Is she fun to be with? Why in the world is someone going go invest in a complete stranger?

    If you spent 20 years saving up to buy you dream car and come to find out it breaks down on you, you'd be PISSED!

    If you spent 4 years getting your degree and they told you that oh I'm sorry were no longer accredited. You'd be mad.

    If your a woman and you act fun, show that you are affectionate and loving and he likes you a lot, and show him that there might be a possibility for sex, he's going to be willing to spend money on you.

    Why? because both of you are in love, both of you don't care about the money. Heck, she might pay for him because it feels right. it doesn't matter because both of you are invested in the relationship.

    For men, they shouldn't buy women things until they deserve it. You don't reward a woman with money simply because she's got a nice ass. That's called creepy and desperate.

    For women, You shouldn't demand to be bought, that's called a whore. Instead, you should do something to deserve it, like be fun and interesting and physically complaint to a mans advances. (this doesn't mean you screw him when he says hello, it just means being compliant.) it means following his lead, and being a good conversationalist, and not weird and bitchy and full of drama.

    • Lmao that you compare a relationship to that of possessing property.

      Your ideas are from the 1950s or earlier, bro. Back then women were property, to their husbands and whatever asshole guy controlled them.

      You sound like a cheap asshole. Women don't have to EARN the right to be treated right. Nor is this girl asking for a Ferrari, she's asking to be taken out to dinner & god forbid a birthday present.

      What kind of sh*thead boyfriend would deny a girl these simple pleasures & expect sex??

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    • I treat all people with respect & at the bare minimum civility. I would not hand a homeless man my house keys, but I would not disrespect him, either.

      I happen to have plenty of confidence & have no trouble meeting woman at all. You don't have to be an @sshole to be assertive. You don't have to be cocky or arrogant to be confident.

      You believe people have to earn the right to be treated right? Maybe 1950s is wrong, you belong in 1750s running a plantation full of slaves. Ur just sorry bro

    • Whatever you say chief.

      You don't have to qualify yourself, or try and impress someone anonymous on the internet.

      Im done talking to you.

  • well as mememe2010 said in her last sentence lets assume it is about you comparing yourself to his former girlfriend and the fear of not being able to compete with her.

    the way you state your case raises serious doubt as to your true motivation so even if your case is good if you present it in such a way it will still come off as the worst possible... which, I assume is also what motivated armyant to write what he wrote and because his message isn't packed neatly you can't get it even if the core is very well true.

    go read the article link in a calm moment and try to understand rather than antagonize..

    your disgruntlement alone could have been the warning signal for him to abstain from extending any monetary favors towards you but to make it clear again:


    YOU have absolutely NO RIGHT to DEMAND ANYTHING just like he DOESNT have ANY RIGHT to DEMAND ANYTHING either!


    (the process does, in principle follow the rules of market and transactions but with the option for either party to exit at any given time should they want to)

    what you can do, and in my humble opinion the only thing that actually lasts, is to go out of YOUR way to extend a COURTESY towards HIM and HOPE that the FAVOR will be RETURNED.

    if he doesn't, the sensible thing would be to ask yourself why he doesn't

    bearing the name or title of girlfriend doesn't entitle you to anything per se (if you were to bear the title of wife that would be a different matter)

    why don't YOU start with inviting him for a change, you go ahead and pay for the cinema tickets popcorn drinks etc.

    you should make an effort to be solution and not blame-oriented

    if that doesn't work out it would be high time to question the future of the relationship or actually how much time/effort/money you are willing to invest into it because in case he hasn't gotten over his dead ex this is the courtesy you will have to extend towards him without knowing for sure if it "pays off" for you - and even if it fails at least you get clearance on your own true motives - I would strongly suggest you reflect about yourself

    good luck

  • Hooah ArmyAnt! Couldn't have said it better myself.

  • RUN!

    This guy cares more about money than you and guys like that usually never change.

    What good is making money if you cannot share it with someone at least once in awhile.

    I pay for most things when my girlfriend and I go out however there are a lot of times my girlfriend will pay or at least offer to pay. It would be one thing if he did not make much money and did not want to out a lot because of that but if he makes decent money and just wants to spend it all on him or save it then you can see your future with this guy right now. He sounds very controlling at least about finances.

    Remember a relationship is about two people not one.

  • the feelings he had for his ex probably still strong, and you might need to be patient. show him that you care and really love him and do things that make him happy, time would heal everything and by the time that happen hopefully he could love you the way he loved his ex. although sometimes love could make you happy and could also drown you to the deepest place you don't even know(this actually happened to me). so I wish a happy ending for both of u

  • Well his last girlfriend "died". That's going to have a strong impact on his psychology towards women for a while. Maybe for the rest of his life. I think you are still second best, even though she is deceased.

    As a man I realize it's my job to pay. I'm fine with this if a woman reciprocates and isn't looking for handouts (SO MANY ARE!). Many women take this for granted. In the so called age of equality woman should shell up more often. But many are fine to embrace this convenient double standard.

    I'm having severe money problems myself right now and am getting creative on how to go on date with girls. I used to pay for EVERYTHING and got used several times. I take it is a acid test about what girl really wants.

    With that peeve aside he should pay for dates on occasion, but not all the time. Also ask your self if you really value this guy. If you really like him, is this really a big deal? It's not like you are paying for HIS dinners. If that were the case then I might tell you different.

    This really saddens me about what women value in men. You will make a good gold digger some day!

    • I didn't see "he didn't give me anything for my bday/valentines day". Well that is rude. I can see where you are coming from to a certain extent.

  • I'd get a different boy friend. I'm not one to pay for dates either I just go on who has the money at the time, If I have it I pay if she has more money she pays. I don't mind buying women things either as long as it's an honest gift and not some garbage about me supporting her or some sexist crap like that. What this guy is doing is not paying for any thing ever which is weird, it's like he's putting the money before you.

  • all I gotta say is what happened to women's lib and independence? why do you want him to buy you stuff when you have your own money to buy yourself stuff?

  • "how do I get him to understand that he should treat me as equal to his last gf?"

    I think it's better for everyone involved if you just quit beating around the bush and tell him like it is: you are a prostitute and the price of your time is his money.

    And he doesn't need to "treat you equal to his last gf", he needs to treat you as his own equal. Which he is doing. And that you aren't happy with that frankly makes you an embarrassment to the female gender and a sink down which swirls all of the respect the efforts of other women have earned for your kind.

    • How am I a prostitute? that makes no sense..

      and how am I an embarrassment to girls?

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    • Thanks to your comment I just now noticed the little paroxysm Tiruas posted. Frankly, if he could have stayed on point instead of starting weird tangential arguments on the morality of armed services, for example, then I wouldn't have had to block him. Since he's blocked me as well from responding to his biblically long personal attack, he's not exactly in a position to call me out on my conduct. The people who come after us to read this without emotional prejudice will know who was right.

    • Failtroll is fail

  • Maybe he thinks that his old girlfriend was better than you and that you just aren't worth as much of his money as she was. I don't blame him; once you lose your first, every one after that feels less significant.

  • As hard as this might be to accept, he might not love you as much as he did his first love. There is no right for someone to be treated as good or bad as the past gf/ bf. If you don't like the way he treats you then you have every right to leave.

  • why are you so obsessed with him buying you stuff? is it that important to you? you sound to me like another one of those materialistic girls, dying for presents and stuff.

  • Hey! You can do way better! Seriously babe! That is bunk! He has either a confidence problem or he is narcissistic! No offense but, do consider leaving the door open to new possibilities and if those possibilities arise, pursue them!

  • You can't blame the guy for being careful, his ex did a number on him.. he probably have female issues for a long time..

  • He is not gonna give you stuff because he is doing that "9 out of 10 won't like me so I will leave her begging" . Dump him already .

  • blame feminism. equality. in fact I think you owe use 4 million years of back pay.

  • personally, I think guys should take care of the bill all the time, and if the girl doesn't at least offer to pay once in a while she's not worth it. I had a girlfriend that would get angry at me when I didn't split it with her

  • Ditch the loser. He is treating you very disrespectfully. Wait for a real man.

  • dont expect him to spend money on you. unless you are a prostitute, are a prostitute?

  • sound like a gold digger who found Mr Scroodge himself! lol there is cosmic justice after all!

  • Your boyfriend is not supposed to pay for you. When are you girls going to start pulling your own weight. I mean really! He is probably waiting for you to get a job so that you guys can go out. How is he supposed to go out with you if you don't have any money? He's just supposed to pay for you and him? Don't think so. It's not like that anymore. It's 2010 now. Guys expect girls to be more equal now. By expecting him to pay you are making yourself the dependent instead of his equal. Which is what relationships should be, right, 50/50? I'm sure he probably just realized what he was doing with his last girlfriend and doesn't want to do that with you. If you had a job and money then you could suggest that you guys go out and I'm sure he'll be more receptive to the idea. It's expensive to go out you know. You girls don't think anything about it. It's expensive to have a gf, especially if she mooches off you.

    His ex girlfriend dying probably didn't help much either. He probably realized that something that you invest so much into can just be gone the next day. So he thinks what is the point.


What Girls Said 26

  • talk to him about this...I feel sometimes guys should pay and get their girl gifts.

  • Why would you be with a man who couldn't be fair and share expenses? Imagine what he's going to be like as the relationship continues to progress. People do to you what you let them do to you. You are just as responsible as he is for allowing this nonsense to happen. Get him to pay up or find a new man.

  • He is still traumatized so hid heart is not ready to fully open himself to another girl. That's really sad that she died, just be careful because you don't want to be a "filler" or rebound. Give him some time to cope.

  • How long were he and his ex girlfriend together? If you're that serious about it, then talk to him. Tell him you don't feel like you're being treated right. Remember that he shouldn't pay for EVERYTHING though. Maybe even pay for him once? Then maybe he'll take the hint and start doing stuff for you.

    • They were together for like a year or year and a half or something . yeah well that's what I'm saying, I don't and wouldn't ever expect him to pay for everything for me like that, its just that he has no middle ground, with her he paid for everything and with me its nothing. and I've offered to pay for him before and he refused to let it happen, he said it makes him feel low when other people pay for him or somethng

    • Oh wow. It could be a subconscious thing for him. Tell him what you just told me. If that doesn't work, then...idk.

    • The problem is that you are comparing yourself to his previous girlfriend. Your a different person and it's a different relationship.

  • Maybe you should find a guy who isn't broken...? Or still pining for his ex...? Just saying...

    He's either super selfish or still mourning... either which way, you need another fish. Sorry.

  • I think you need to have a conversation with him. Chivalry is important, and proper etiquette is that he should pay for the both of you. You deserved to be treated like his girlfriend,... not some 'friend" you're hanging out with. If he doesn't understand that, then you should think about finding another b/f. Cheapskates are not sexy!

  • This guy is a selfish jerk. See him for what he is. This is how much he values you, less than his wallet, far less.

    Don't read between the lines, it is plain and simple. He put his money where his mouth is.

  • if you want a boyfriend who pays go find one

    i don't know why he is supposed to pay - why is he supposed to pay- WHAT exactly is he paying for...

    isn't that like legalized prostitution?

  • Maybe he thinks if he wil by you everything and treat you the way he treated his ex girl it wil remind you of her more, or he might think ifhel spoil you the way he did with his other youl die.?

  • it seems like ur not a gold digger. you don't want him to buy you things just so that you can get a free ride. it seems like you view him spending money on you as a symbol that he cares for you and wants to take care of you. afterall he did it for your ex, but not you

    from the sounds of it, he's not come to terms with the loss of his ex. or if he has then he's not ready to be that close to someone else again. if money is no object then why does he make you pay for things? because he's not ready to take care of you and be the awesome boyfriend that he once was for the ex.

    its probably got nothing to do with you. its just how the situation with his ex has affected him. you can't get him to " understand that he should treat you equal to his last gf" because in his mind, you're not. if he thought you were then he would treat you that way. I know that sounded mean but sometimes you need to take things for what they are

    (if you have time please answer my question, thanks)

  • You don't have to get upset with him. Just tell him that you would like him to pay for you every once in awhile. If he really cares about you, he should understand.

    • He should want to pay for her. Most men are going to take this as a demand. Regardless of the tone.

      The only thing she can do is be a better girlfriend. If she does that he will want to pay.

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    • I'm sorry but I like my man to be able to pay for me every once in a while. I don't see what the big deal is.

    • Yeah and us guys like you to pay for us once in awhile too! You're not the only ones... sheesh! Don't you get it? It should be 50/50. Your equal to us right?

  • As long as he doesn't expect you to pay for him, you don't have a problem. I wouldn't want to support a man financially, so I understand if one doesn't want to support me financially.

  • i think buying/spending $ reminds him of his ex, I say tell him how it makes you feel then if he choose not to take action or change anything then break up with him (for ur not happy anymore)

  • Move on. Not worth saying anything else. Just move on.

    Look, I am not one who likes others to spend money on me, but this seems like it is not about money at all. I am the least superficial person you would probably come across... He just seems to be carrying a lot of baggage and it is early enough to move on. So do it.

  • Maybe you should treat him for dinner, this way he would treat you next. Do you get him presents? If not, don't get him anything this year so he gets the same way treated. Probably he did everything with her last gf, he doesn't want a reminder of her when he's with u. But saying that, his ex has died over a year, maybe he doesn't love you as much as her. :(

  • wow. that's terrible,

    you should definitely tell him how you feel in a non-threatening way.

    maybe say something like... " I don't feel like I'm as important to you as she was. its not that I think you should always buy me things and spend tones of money on me, I understand you're trying to save money, but a date once and a while and something for my birthday would be kinda nice and not that expensive." and see what he says.

  • you sure you're in a relationship with him? maybe you're just hanging out

  • You shouldn't expect too much from

    a guy, he obviously works for his money and the fact that he's ur boyfriend is enough to show that he loves you. Aslong as he isn't abusive You shud still love him...relationships thrive on love..not clothes and money

  • To you people calling her a gold digger or materialistic, you are all retarded. No, seriously, you are close-minded, hate women, or are just generally full of sh*t. Ask yourselves whether you would ever treat a girl in the way that she described? Never pay for anything? Not get her anything for special occasions? If the answer is yes, then I hope to god no girl is ever unfortunate to date you. It is entirely possible to have romantic dates that don't consist of going to asshole parties and people's houses without spending a great deal of money, and though I don't know the whole story, he sounds selfish, and like he's taking the relationship for granted. The OP is upset not because she wants material things, but because she feels shunted and like she isn't valuable to her boyfriend. If it were me, I would bring up the issue in a non-hostile way, and see what he says. If he sticks to his stingy ways without giving a valid reason, then dump him.

  • girl if he doesn't pay dump him because a girl needs to feel like a prinssece

  • wow, I don't think he loves you, I think he's just trying to love you to get over his ex... THATS MEAN... and RUDE if he didn't get you a gift, do you get him things/? maybe your just "there" for him, you can do better, also have a talk with him, I mean don't say WHY DONT You BUY ME THINGS, but tell him why he acts like that and doesn't treat you like he did with his ex, I don't know he seems like a cheap ass!

  • i would leave him. it seems like he doesn't care about you that much to be honest. most men who actually care about their gfs will innately want to pay for her.

  • You're not his last girlfriend though. And times have change dramatically (economically speaking). My boyfriend pays for just himself sometimes, or I'll pay for the both of us. He'll pay for both of us. If he's paying for NOTHING, then talk to him about it but don't tell him you deserve to be his exgf.

    My boyfriend treats me a lot differently than his ex, I treat people differently than exs. It's about the person/the relationship. Not a set standard.

  • You set the tone for a relationship from the beginning. If you accepted being with him with barely any dates, well that is the kind of girl he thought he was dating and now for you to change it is a lot to ask. I am not saying you cannot give it a shot, but your chances are slim to make it happen.

    I know it is hard to date and show our true selves, but if you like a guy to take you out and do nice things for you, you need to know that from the beginning and expect it in any dating situation. If you think you will keep a guy by playing it one way in the beginning (like being okay with no-cost "dates") and then later get frustrated that he isn't different, that really isn't fair.

    In the end, this is not about his last girlfriend. There are no rule books that say you have to treat each person in your life the same. He may have changed things up on her eventually too, becoming more focused on saving money and letting her know that they needed to cut back. You don't know.

    Just keep this in mind for the future if you end up back in the dating pool.

  • Oh he is a horrible bf. I am surprised that you are even with him. Yall need to seriously sit down and talk about this because a guy should mostly pay and you chip in too at times but for him to never pay or get you anything on special days is totally wrong and selfish on his part. You have to let him know that you deserve better than that. If he doesn't listen or tries to work that out with you, Its obvious that he doesn't care about no one but himself and you don't need to be with someone like that. So its up to you whether or not, you want to be treated like a girlfriend or like you mean nothing to him. his ex has nothing to do with yall and your comparing yourself to her and you cannot do that. All you can do is let him know what will make you happy and that you would do the same for him but if he can't see that, its time to move on and if you don't because you love him then accept it but you have a choice. Talk to him about it but don't bring up his ex and what he did for her. That will make things worst