Had an affair, fell in love, got caught...and now no contact ever again? Really?

I am a married woman, early 40's. I am originally from the east coast and now live in Texas. When I was 10 I went to a private school and had a friend ("John"). I always adored him. I moved to Colorado when I was in 10th grade, but we always stayed in touch throughout the years...Maybe once a year, even after we both were married. to other people. Ironically, somehow we both ended up in Texas years later. We lived less than an hour apart. We still talked once or twice a year. Both in the same line of work (real estate) so we had a lot in common.

After 10 years of living less than an hour apart and talking only once or twice a year, he emailed me one night. I emailed him back and he responded right away. It ended up turning into an hour or more of email that got a little edgy. I didn't even feel that guilty since I felt like I knew him so well. I should explain that my husband travels every week Monday through Friday and his wife lives and breathes her real estate career and has always put it first. We were both a little lonely and we had a great connection and so things naturally progressed...

What started out as and innocent email grew into a 2 1/2 year affair. It started as fun...just sex. It turned into more. He was careful to not get too crazy, but we were both in deep. This past year was awesome...he was my best friend ad I was his best friend. We were super close. Went to lunch almost every week, I even picked out his clothes when I would go shopping. I felt more married to him than I did my own husband and he did too. Sex was incredible . He told me he loved me but that we would never be together. I accepted that. It took me one full year to learn that I could love him and still have my own life.

The we got caught in bed by his 19 year old son. It was over. He had to tell his wife because his son was going to. John dropped me like a hot potato. I am so baffled by his behavior because he told me its over and to never contact him again. John and I grew so close over the last 2 1/2 years, how can he be so cold? I understand that his wife said to not ever contact me again or he is out of there. I also need to add that this guy is a multi-millionaire and enjoys his cushy lifestyle that his wife has made for them. I feel like he chose money over true love. I never felt like this before with anyone and I know he didn't either...he got married at 19. He was so hot for me. It has been 3 months and I broke every rule and yes, I emailed and called him. Nothing good came of it. He will have no contact with me. the only response I have gotten to my email is to stop the email and all contact. When I called him, he sounded so put out and cold and said to not call back. What is with the no contact? If I stop, will he EVER contact me again? Is it too late, does he hate me now? I know he loved me..I think no contact makes it easier for him. Its killing me.He said we can't ever be friends because his son caught us

So why no contact at all? Not even a nice goodbye? Why be so cold and rude? Is it too late to repair the damage I already did by emailing him after he told me not to and by calling when he clearly did not want to hear from me. Will he come around?
Mainly concerned that I contacted him after he told me not to. Each time he replied he told me it is over, no more email, he "cant have any contact" w/me. Over 3 months I emailed maybe 12 times. Would welcome a man's point of view. Does he hate me now?
Its a fine line between love and hate...did I cross it? How can I repair damage now and what can I do to raise the odds of hearing from him some day? Do I send him one last email and tell him I am letting go because I love him and want him to be happy?
Would also love to hear a man's opinion
I want to be the person he thinks about and has warm thoughts about. I want him to think about me when he is lonely. I just want to know he thinks about me. I keep waiting for a short sweet email saying it was fun, I will never forget, but its over...


Most Helpful Girl

  • I am no expert & have not been in as deep as you but I had a brief emotional affair (hugging, kissing...never got to sex) for about 4 months. I am married & he is in a long term relationship w/his gf. We quit because he started 2 feel guilty. But, there was clearly a connection beyond physical. We had many long talks, hundreds of emails, etc. I have spent the last 4 months trying to get over him. My problem is that I have to see him since we work together. It has been one of the hardest things to go through. Luckily, he was a sweetheart & agreed to break away gradually--slowly-- fewer emails, less seeing each other, less talking at work. That has helped, but I still cry a little almost everyday. I feel what you obviously feel -the amazing connection, the physical attraction & love. BUT...you are in SO much deeper because of the length of the relationship, the fact that you had sex and also having known each other before. So, you are going 2 go thru a VERY tough road and its going to take a long time to get over him if you never hear from him again. All I can tell you is that it does get easier as time goes on. But, you will probably never forget him. What will help is not having contact. As hard as that is, it will make getting over him easier. You started in a physical affair & ended in an emotional affair. Read online about emotional affairs & the fact that you ahve to completely break away. I know you don't want to do that but he does. So, you don't have a choice at this point.

    On his end, I think you need to realize he probably did love you. But, that doesn't mean he is willing to walk away from a long term relationship or give up what he has. Remember, its more than just his wife. Its his kids and its a lifestyle he is used to. Had he wanted to be with you, he could have done that for 2 1/2 years but he didn't. So, that says a lot. Why would you expect him to be w/you now--he didn't before? Now his family knows about you so he can't sneak around anymore. Its either leave them or leave you. Now, that's not to say he isn't having a hard time or that he didn't love you or that he isn't missing u. But, its probable he is in counseling & they've told him to cut off all contact. Men can move on so much easier & their way of dealing w/it seems to be 2 shut the door. As women, that is not so easy for us 2 do. I don't know if he will ever contact you again...that remains to be seen. But, most likely not. Most men don't leave their wives for the affair. I doubt he hates u. He just is trying to move on.

    This is what I tell myself everyday. If I truly LOVE this guy like I say I do, I would want him 2 have happiness. If that means leaving him alone, then I will do it. Yes, it is killing me inside. I want to be w/him. But, I can't force that. It is ultimately his decision. By letting him go, I am truly showing my love for him. If its meant 2 be, he will come back. You have 2 go on-not easy at all-its tough. Hang in there-u will get over it

    • There were 2 times over the 2 years that he tried to quit seeing me due to guilt but it never lasted and we talked the entire time. I can deal with no affair, but not being his friend. We talked for 3-4 hours a day! Now nothing. I can tell you understand. I loved him completely. Your man handled it well, I would be happy to have ended it slowly, although it would be hard to see him every day. How long has it been for you? Did you tell him you are letting go because you love him?

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    • See my post to busygirl...yes, this affected my sex life with my husband. He wondered what was wrong, but I just excused it as we were growing apart due to his travels. There were times I felt violated when he touched me....thats crazy, but its true. There were times I had tears fall when I was with my husband...because I didn't want to be with him. So unfair to him, so I did my best to cover up my real feelings.

    • I don't think I'm that strong. Since we ended it, my life has been hell. You will go thru stages-its like a death. Sadness, anger, depression. In my sadness, I cry. In my anger, I've felt used but that didn't last long as he has been so good 2 me. I actually have had depression 2. If you would like to stay in contact w/me you can email me thru this site at: noname1218. Its still private-u don't have 2 reveal yourself. I found some 1 on here who has helped me & I'd like to help you if you want.

What Guys Said 4

  • >He told me he loved me but that we would never be together.

    At least he told you outright that he had no intention of ever marrying you or even publicly dating you. Still, that's a pretty sick definition of love IMO.

    I doubt you'll hear from him again, unless he thinks he can get away with it. He, and you, wanted the fantasy of f***ing someone while your spouses stayed at home unaware. Now the fantasy's over, and he doesn't want the reality. I'm guessing you don't, either - do you want to have a serious relationship with this guy? You can be almost absolutely sure he'll cheat on you and will cut off contact as soon as things get difficult. You know this because that's exactly what he's done.

    Anyway, focus on stuff you can actually control. It sounds like you could care less about your husband. If so, maybe you should consider getting a divorce and starting over.

    • Thank you for your input. I guess I just can't get over the way it was so instant...no contact. So tell me..his wife puts business first, doesn't take care of herself (by that I mean out of shape) but built a very successful in business worth milliions. He was proud to be w/me and appreciated my hard work to stay in shape,look my best. Don't guys WANT that? I think he chose money over love. I know him so well and I believe he felt stuff he hasn't b-4...freaked him out. He liked his cushy life

    • He was so crazy about me. This summer I know I had a hold of his heart. But there is no way he would give stuff up for me. He only has a high school education and told me many times without his wife, he has nothing, no skill. He is used to only the best. I don't live a bad life, I am a Realtor so its not like I bring nothing to the table. I know I need to move on. I am doing stuff to improve myself, working out like crazy...but in my heart I know its because I hope to run into him someday ;)

  • I hope this helps. I am John for all intent and purpose.

    I am successful but my wife is more successful. I would NEVER chose money over TRUE love. I found my YOU. She is pulling a John on my ass and she never got caught. She's basically single for the first time in her life, and she's very very attractive and so she's choosing the potential for more men over me. We were together for 4 years. We are just as of this week "taking a break" but you know taking a break is really breaking up. I knew this day was coming when her and her man divorced. He moved out but the papers aren't signed yet. I can tell you this, I was ready to leave my wife because she deserves someone who will make her happy (good luck next guy in line, I don't think it's possible) and she needs someone she can trust. I deserve to be with the love of my life... You know I knew this day would come however. As the saying goes, he who chases two rabbits eats no dinner... What all of this tells me is that she's just not that into me as I am into her. I would marry her and give her a child THIS SECOND if she asked and she claims to be on my level but "I have things to take care of" etc.. Point is I DO TOO! but I make time for her, I don't CARE about those things because being with her is paramount to me. So the proof is in the pudding. John is just a schmuck and you'd be better off with someone who appreciates you and knows how important time and happiness and love are. Not MONEY.. I have a code I adhere to and that's what let me decide to just let her go have her men... I am never careless with anyone's heart and I will not tolerate someone being careless with mine...

    I can totally relate though.. you have this closeness.. it's like heaven and you think they would kill or die for you because you'd do the same... and then it's like Mary who? as if you never met..

    Cold as ice... they are doing us a favor. Trust me on that... We strayed out of want for love. They strayed out of boredom... we're just two different people...

    It would be good to share experiences if you wouldn't mind. It can help to determine the right path.

  • I'm coming late to this post, so forgive me. I'm married and conducted a 3+ year affair with a woman over twenty years younger than I. Started as friends, escalated into a sexual affair. My wife discovered hundreds of emails that we had exchanged and demanded that I end the relationship. She never really knew that we had been sleeping together. I told my lover about the discovery and she too told me that we could never see each other again. Sooooo, I loved that girl in a way that I have never felt about anyone in my life before, and this is after 2 marriages and my fair share of girlfriends, but no other affairs. That relationship met every single criteria I could possibly think of, in a way that made me feel like a superhero in my own movie. We were so deeply in love with each other that neither of us could believe our luck in having something this different and fullfilling. Having said that, I knew from the very start that I could not leave my wife, and I told my girlfriend so from the beginning. I love my wife still, I was afraid that it would destroy her if I walked out (she damned near had a full mental breakdown after finding the email trail and was in absolute agony. So hard to see and know I was the cause), And I just could not do that to a person I care for. I miss my girlfriend every day, I "talk" to her often, and try hard not to feel bitter or angry either at myself or her, or my wife, that things have not worked out, but it's a difficult trial that has me feeling sad and distraught on a regular basis. Yes, it gets a little easier as time goes by, but it's also emotional torture.

    If I were given my choices I would go right back to seeing my girlfriend today, but it would be wrong to try and talk her into doing something she is not completely comfortable with, and I also don't want to hurt my wife any more than I have already. My only regret is that I didn't meet this girl before I met my wife. The one thing that strikes me is that I never knew what REALLY being in love with someone could feel and be like until this relationship, and that's the saddest thing. Knowing that there was someone out there that fit me in so many ways I hadn't imagined were possible, then realising that I would have to give it all up because it's better for both of the women involved, if not for me. Believe me, I'm no martyr, but I love both of these women so much, even if differently, that the only recourse for me is to let one go, and give the other whatever I'm able. My girlfriend loved me too, we talked for a while after being discovered, and I know that as hard as this has been for me, it has been at least as hard for her, just in different ways. I'm dealing with all of this by remembering the very best times I spent with my girlfriend, and all the warm, beautiful, feeling that went along with being with her, and being as good as I can be with my wife. It ain't easy or perfect, but life ain't fair either. Best of Luck to all.

  • sluts will be treated as such.

    • You shouldn't judge other people. Its usually the people like you that end up in the same situation some day. People do crazy things for love. She is obviously in a lot of pain & it would be nice if you could offer her some useful advise. Fact is that she had an affair -- can't take that back. So, what can you offer her now to help her besides cutting her down?

    • Leave your mother out of this,.

What Girls Said 15

  • HappyGIrl10 again...so, you sound like you are rejecting your husband & that is only going to make him to find sex w/someone else. Does it bother you to think he might do that? My friend that had the affair said that the more time that went by w/o seeing the guy she had the affair with, the easier it got w/her husband. So, maybe it will just take time. Also, do you feel this guy you had the affair w/would be a good stepdad to your kids? I guess I am asking what you were expecting out of this relationship? If you have a husband that is all the things you said, what is it you see in this guy? I know you said passion--I can understand that. But, I am sure you realize passion dies evertually. Of course the relationship you had was amazing since neither of you had familiy, kids, etc. to deal with when you were together. But, you really need to think of the reality if you were w/him everyday. ITs totally different--laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. It sounds like you just got bored in a way & were thrilled to have someone paying attention to u. Even soulmates have issues, problems and the realities of life. I just think you need to take a second look at your husband as he sounds like such a good guy. I mean, would you really want to see him with another woman? Think about that. I'm not saying its easy, but I think you need to break away from this guy you had the affair with so you can see clearly. Maybe after a while, you can make a sound decision -- do you want to stay w/your husband or not. I think you are so emotional right now that nothing is clear. Give yourself time to heal.

  • I am very curious about your current marraige. You make no mention of it at all. How do you hide a 2 year affair from your husband? How do you continue on in a marraige when that is going on? Why don't you get divorced. I am not judging you...just trying to understand. Did having an affair effect your relationship w/your husband in any way? I have a friend that had an affair & after the guy she was having the affair w/touched her, she couldn't even stand to have her husband touch her. I am just very curious about such a long term affair & how you dealt w/being the "other woman" for so long. My friend got very resentful of being that other woman after only 3 months.

    • It DID affect my marriage. My husband is what every woman would think of as "perfect"...Tall, dark, handsome, great father, a VP w/major comany, great provider, gets along with everyone and everyone likes him. He travels Sun-Fri with his job and has for the past 4 years. I never had passion with him. Its like we exist. Everything little thing is magnified now because I now know what its like to feel the way I did. I am not abused or mistreated in any way, We have 4 kids ages 12 to 17.

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    • When I look at the big picture with no emotion attached, I understand that we can't be friends. Its my heart that doesn't get it. We have known each other since we were 10! We "liked" each other when we were in 5th grade! To me, he is my soulmate. He is the man I love but can never have. I know I need to move on. I try to stay off his Facebook page because it hurts to see him talking to his agents that work for him, telling them details he used to share with me. Its hard being on the outside

    • Please know I'm not judging you here. Its hard to understand why you had an affair when you have such a wonderful husband. I know you said there is no passion. Was it always that way or did you once have passion? If you did, you can bring that back by devoting yourself to your husband & not all your energy in someone else. I qst whether he has been faithful if he travels so much & you have rejected him? How would you feel about it if he cheated? I will write more -running out of space here.

  • Hi. I commented below & gave you my contact name in case you would like to have a support system. It helps 2 have someone since this is the LONELIEST experience you can face as you can't tell a soul. Again, my name is: noname1218 if you would want to email me thru this site. It would just allow us to email privately rather than on this board. I have another girl who went thru something similar & we've really helped each other out.

    Our situations are SO very similar. The big difference is that my husband has been verbally abusive our entire marriage. He is very negative, has a big temper, has been very mean, and it not well liked as your husband is. I guess I feel like I wouldn't have cheated had my husband treated me the way he should but I don't know that for sure. Like u, once the guy I had the affair with touched me, it was very hard to have any physical contact w/my husband. I think what is says is that we just don't have an emotional connection to our husbands at all. And, them touching us is like having a stranger touch us -- which is a feeling of being violated. I have felt the same about it not being fair to my husband but then I also feel like he hasn't been fair to me so its hard to have a whole lot of sympathy. I also have 4 kids and there are other similarities in our situations but I dont' feel comfortable putting all of that on this board. I hope you will email me & we can be in touch and I can tell you more. Our situations are so similar but I am 3 months ahead of you and can maybe help you through. If not, I will try to respond again on this site sometime in the next few days so see how you are.

    • You told me I could email you through this site, but I cannot figure out how or where to do that! I would love to discuss this a little further since you have been through this exact thing! Please tell me how to email you from here

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    • Just so you know, I sent you a direct (private) email. It will appear under "messages" on your profile. Thanks for friending me.

    • Are you still active on the site? My situation is exactly like yours down to your husband.

  • leave the guy alone. He doesn't want to have contact with you because the affair has been found out and he's dealing with the consequences. Stop being so self centered and move on. You were completely out of order by having the affair, their marital happiness is none of your business and you should leave them alone to try and make their marriage work. What do you want from him? Why do you keep contacting him? It's over, accept it and stop being a psycho and harassing him G he's made it very clear that your attention isn't welcome anymore. Maybe you should work a bit harder on your own marriage instead of trying to continue to ruin someone else's.

  • I am living the same life. Just dumped by an uber-wealthy guy. He got caught, and in 10 seconds, we were done. No goodbyes. Nothing. I feel used, abused and ripped to shreds. Ruthless.

    • Man I would never do that.. that's just shallow and cold.

    • Just remember the guy you thought you loved never actually existed. His oh knows the real him and I can say with confidence that he treats her badly (narcs are inherently selfish and shallow people)
      It was all a game and that's all it ever was.
      He will cheat again. They always do. Also they never go back to a previous one either. Thats you done with now

  • I know how you feel in a way. I am in the process of walking away from a man that I have known since I was in 7th grade. We were friends all through school. I knew he liked me more than a friend but he never asked me out until after graduation. We both thought the other had a bad time so we never talked again after that night. I found him on Facebook after over 30 years of looking for him. Long story short we reconnected and all the feelings and even more was there. I had been divorced for about 15 years but he is married. We haven't actually had physical contact but a handful of times over the past 3 years. But we were emailing and be in touch about every day. He said he was afraid of losing everything he has (children, job..) if he got a divorce. He told me that from the beginning. We really did start out just talking like the friends we had been in school. He lives about 3 hours from me so we don't see each other very often. Anyway we have tried to walk away from each other so many times it's ridiculous. But I knew that I would never find anyone to be with in a relationship with if we keep talking. I love this man more than I ever thought I could love someone. It is killing me even right this moment to not be talking to him. It's why I found this site. The pain is almost unbearable sometimes. I have told him that I love him and want to be with him but I don't want an affair. So that's where we are at. I know... I've read all the books. I know they never leave. But the ironic part is that I was married twice and both men left and married their affair. And I should say that I have never had an affair until now and I don't like being the other woman, which is why I am ending it. It doesn't make the pain go away though. So I can feel your pain. All I can say is that I hope that I can get through it. Divorces were hard but not like this.

  • I can't tell how old this post is but I'm going through hell after a 2 yr affair. He got caught and didn't even have the decency to tell me. I found out a week later and he became nasty and cut me off. Then she confronted me almost as if he was hiding behind her and needed her help getting rid of me. It's a very long horrible story but this same man told me loved me too. He became this other person and things now seem perfect with them. I would really love to talk to someone that truly understands and could hear me out. I have a couple of friends that know but they just say he's am ahole not worth thinking about. They don't understand what I'm going through. I have all of these scenarios that go through my head, I'm in therapy too and it get easier but then I have these set backs. I've never done this before and I've never had anyone ever treat me this way. I feel like he threw me under the bus to save himself and I should be angrier than I am. Please someone out there who knows what I'm going through, help...

  • my husband was always cheating on me and even spends nights out. sometimes he even leave for the entire week end, pretending that he has work, but i know he just go meet women, my life was lame until, i asked robinsonbuckler@yahoo. com to cast a spell for me. so that my husband can be a good man and after his spell, my husband changed automatically, he now spends much more time with me and the kids and we're a family again

  • You're so stupid. Of course he would chose his wife over some whore
    Go back to your own husband. Get on your knees and start worrying about him.


  • My problem was very difficult and it made me come to a very close to giving up. prophetharry@ymail.com did bring my lover back to me but unfortunately it did not last because I did not listen to prophetharry’s advice. When my lover came back, things weren’t “right on” and instead of calling prophet I took matters into my own hands and lost my lover AGAIN. prophet harry is the one who called me and knew what happened without me telling him. prophet harry is the one who called me and told me his meditation showed him what needed to be done to correct the problem for me. Sometimes prophet scares me with what he knows, but in a good way. finally my lover returned to me.


  • Not enough space below to say all I wanted 2. I'm the one responding to your comment about wanting to still be friends so see what I wrote below your comment 1st. So, I was JUST LIKE YOU. We said we were going 2 be friends even though everything you read says it can't be done. Well, we've kind of proved them wrong in a sense. We see each other at work, we are still friendly to each other, we still email (work related or funny work situations only--no flirting, etc). But, the process to get 2 this point has been painful. If he doesn't talk much to me on a certain day, I leave work & cry all the way home. If he talks to me a lot, I'm on cloud nine. If he says he is having a bad day, I'm hoping things are bad w/his girlfriend & he is going going to want me again. Slowly, it gets easier -- very slowly. And, for all intents, we are still friends. But, there is definitely a weird feeling there and all I do is wonder what the heck he is thinking all the time. Is he mad at me? Does he hate me because he went there w/me? Does he wish I would go away? Its shear torture. Its easier when I don't see him.

    The other part of this is that in reality there is no way he can be friends w/you now that his wife knows about it. For me, this guys girlfriend never found out so we can kind of still b friends. But, your guy simply can't or he is going to be in big trouble w/his wife & family. Perhaps he would have liked it to be that way but due to all those reasons someone else listed, he can't. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to b your friend, he just can't due 2 his circumstances.

    Like u, I would question every time I sent this guy an email-even though he agreed to ending it slowly...it still was weird since I was emailing him a lot more than he was emailing me. 12 times isn't unreasonable but he told you not to, so you are only stressing him out. And, think about this...if there is any chance for the future, do you think he is going to respect you more if you end it & respect his request or would it be better to hound him like a stalker? He is only going to think you are crazy if you keep emailing him.

    U asked if I ever told my guy that I was letting him go because I loved him. And, no I didn't. Ours was so short I never even got to say I loved him. I just hope my actions speak for themself. For u, I think that you should send him one last email and tell him that you love him & want him 2 be happy & because of that you are letting him go & are not going 2 bother him anymore. Just let him know you will always cherish the memories. And, that you are sorry for any hurt you have caused him (if that's how you feel). Of course, only do this if you can sincerely promise to follow thru on not contacting him. Its the right thing to do but can you actually do it?

    So, I just cannot believe how I can relate 2 u. I feel so the same-I want him to have good thoughts of me & not horrible thoughts. You just want them to say, "I care so much but this can't go on". He prob does feel that

    • I want to comment on this, there is not room. How did you get all of that space? I am new to this

    • You can comment just under the "Question Askers" question...but just indicate that you are referring to my comment as it won't appear below my answer as a comment. It will appear as a new comment.

  • You might want to put the question back on the board again. Sometimes you have to do that to get multiple answers. Maybe add to the title: Need guys opinions. There are a lot of very young people on here & I don't think they have much experience w/this kind of situation. Still, some of them have great advice. But, it would be nice if you could get an older guys opinion too. Good Luck. I am one of your anonymous answerers, so I will respond to your comment in a minute.

  • I am guessing the no contact is because of (1) his kids, (2) his wife, (3) may have been advised in counseling to have no contact, (4) he is afraid of seeing you because he knows he has feelings for you, (5) Its easier to get over you if he doesn't see you.

    He is being cold & rude because he doesn't know how else to deal with it. He's completely embarassed that his son found you two together. Its a matter of pride.

    Most likely he won't come around as that doesn't usually happen. As far as the damage done when you called and emailed, it depends on what those conversations were like. Were they full of anger? It kind of depends on what the context of the conversations were.

    • I agree with everything you said here. I can't believe I have ruined a lifelong friendship over this. His son walked in the house but he never saw me, he did see my car. It would have been way worse had he walked in the bedroom. The email from me went from "cant we be friends and talk occassionally", to "I understand" to "reminding him how nice it was for us, how we were so close". The phone call I made was for closure for me, but he only listened and said nothing, so there was no closure for me

    • First, YOU did not ruin the friendship. There were two people involved here. Its good his son didn't see you as that might be traumatic 4 him even at 19. It doesn't sound like your emails were too bad. I mean, you are just trying to get him to help you move on but he isn't doing that. I don't know why he couldn't at least answer you but who knows what going on in his mind. Can you tell him you just need to hear him say that he still cares but it has to be over? That would help 4 him to say it.