Had an affair, fell in love, got caught...and now no contact ever again? Really?

I am a married woman, early 40's. I am originally from the east coast and now live in Texas. When I was 10 I went to a private school and had a friend ("John"). I always adored him. I moved to Colorado when I was in 10th grade, but we always stayed in touch throughout the years...Maybe once a year, even after we both were married. to other people. Ironically, somehow we both ended up in Texas years later. We lived less than an hour apart. We still talked once or twice a year. Both in the same line of work (real estate) so we had a lot in common.

After 10 years of living less than an hour apart and talking only once or twice a year, he emailed me one night. I emailed him back and he responded right away. It ended up turning into an hour or more of email that got a little edgy. I didn't even feel that guilty since I felt like I knew him so well. I should explain that my husband travels every week Monday through Friday and his wife lives and breathes her real estate career and has always put it first. We were both a little lonely and we had a great connection and so things naturally progressed...

What started out as and innocent email grew into a 2 1/2 year affair. It started as fun...just sex. It turned into more. He was careful to not get too crazy, but we were both in deep. This past year was awesome...he was my best friend ad I was his best friend. We were super close. Went to lunch almost every week, I even picked out his clothes when I would go shopping. I felt more married to him than I did my own husband and he did too. Sex was incredible . He told me he loved me but that we would never be together. I accepted that. It took me one full year to learn that I could love him and still have my own life.

The we got caught in bed by his 19 year old son. It was over. He had to tell his wife because his son was going to. John dropped me like a hot potato. I am so baffled by his behavior because he told me its over and to never contact him again. John and I grew so close over the last 2 1/2 years, how can he be so cold? I understand that his wife said to not ever contact me again or he is out of there. I also need to add that this guy is a multi-millionaire and enjoys his cushy lifestyle that his wife has made for them. I feel like he chose money over true love. I never felt like this before with anyone and I know he didn't either...he got married at 19. He was so hot for me. It has been 3 months and I broke every rule and yes, I emailed and called him. Nothing good came of it. He will have no contact with me. the only response I have gotten to my email is to stop the email and all contact. When I called him, he sounded so put out and cold and said to not call back. What is with the no contact? If I stop, will he EVER contact me again? Is it too late, does he hate me now? I know he loved me..I think no contact makes it easier for him. Its killing me.He said we can't ever be friends because his son caught us

So why no contact at all? Not even a nice goodbye? Why be so cold and rude? Is it too late to repair the damage I already did by emailing him after he told me not to and by calling when he clearly did not want to hear from me. Will he come around?
Mainly concerned that I contacted him after he told me not to. Each time he replied he told me it is over, no more email, he "cant have any contact" w/me. Over 3 months I emailed maybe 12 times. Would welcome a man's point of view. Does he hate me now?
Its a fine line between love and hate...did I cross it? How can I repair damage now and what can I do to raise the odds of hearing from him some day? Do I send him one last email and tell him I am letting go because I love him and want him to be happy?
Would also love to hear a man's opinion
I want to be the person he thinks about and has warm thoughts about. I want him to think about me when he is lonely. I just want to know he thinks about me. I keep waiting for a short sweet email saying it was fun, I will never forget, but its over...


Most Helpful Girl

  • I am no expert & have not been in as deep as you but I had a brief emotional affair (hugging, kissing...never got to sex) for about 4 months. I am married & he is in a long term relationship w/his gf. We quit because he started 2 feel guilty. But, there was clearly a connection beyond physical. We had many long talks, hundreds of emails, etc. I have spent the last 4 months trying to get over him. My problem is that I have to see him since we work together. It has been one of the hardest things to go through. Luckily, he was a sweetheart & agreed to break away gradually--slowly-- fewer emails, less seeing each other, less talking at work. That has helped, but I still cry a little almost everyday. I feel what you obviously feel -the amazing connection, the physical attraction & love. BUT...you are in SO much deeper because of the length of the relationship, the fact that you had sex and also having known each other before. So, you are going 2 go thru a VERY tough road and its going to take a long time to get over him if you never hear from him again. All I can tell you is that it does get easier as time goes on. But, you will probably never forget him. What will help is not having contact. As hard as that is, it will make getting over him easier. You started in a physical affair & ended in an emotional affair. Read online about emotional affairs & the fact that you ahve to completely break away. I know you don't want to do that but he does. So, you don't have a choice at this point.

    On his end, I think you need to realize he probably did love you. But, that doesn't mean he is willing to walk away from a long term relationship or give up what he has. Remember, its more than just his wife. Its his kids and its a lifestyle he is used to. Had he wanted to be with you, he could have done that for 2 1/2 years but he didn't. So, that says a lot. Why would you expect him to be w/you now--he didn't before? Now his family knows about you so he can't sneak around anymore. Its either leave them or leave you. Now, that's not to say he isn't having a hard time or that he didn't love you or that he isn't missing u. But, its probable he is in counseling & they've told him to cut off all contact. Men can move on so much easier & their way of dealing w/it seems to be 2 shut the door. As women, that is not so easy for us 2 do. I don't know if he will ever contact you again...that remains to be seen. But, most likely not. Most men don't leave their wives for the affair. I doubt he hates u. He just is trying to move on.

    This is what I tell myself everyday. If I truly LOVE this guy like I say I do, I would want him 2 have happiness. If that means leaving him alone, then I will do it. Yes, it is killing me inside. I want to be w/him. But, I can't force that. It is ultimately his decision. By letting him go, I am truly showing my love for him. If its meant 2 be, he will come back. You have 2 go on-not easy at all-its tough. Hang in there-u will get over it

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      There were 2 times over the 2 years that he tried to quit seeing me due to guilt but it never lasted and we talked the entire time. I can deal with no affair, but not being his friend. We talked for 3-4 hours a day! Now nothing. I can tell you understand. I loved him completely. Your man handled it well, I would be happy to have ended it slowly, although it would be hard to see him every day. How long has it been for you? Did you tell him you are letting go because you love him?

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      See my post to busygirl...yes, this affected my sex life with my husband. He wondered what was wrong, but I just excused it as we were growing apart due to his travels. There were times I felt violated when he touched me....thats crazy, but its true. There were times I had tears fall when I was with my husband...because I didn't want to be with him. So unfair to him, so I did my best to cover up my real feelings.

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      I don't think I'm that strong. Since we ended it, my life has been hell. You will go thru stages-its like a death. Sadness, anger, depression. In my sadness, I cry. In my anger, I've felt used but that didn't last long as he has been so good 2 me. I actually have had depression 2. If you would like to stay in contact w/me you can email me thru this site at: noname1218. Its still private-u don't have 2 reveal yourself. I found some 1 on here who has helped me & I'd like to help you if you want.