4 month relationship, had some ups and downs... I was too needy, is it too late to fix it?

[Anonymous]

Ladies.. And I'm mostly interseted in the ladies take on this, but I'll also listen to men..

Briefly, I'm 46 and in decent shape, just getting out of a marriage of 18 years and not emotionally tied up with my ex-wife.. I met a girl who was 32 about 5 months ago, and we started out as friends "Friendzone" and after a few failed attempts I finally broke out of the friendzone (after we actually decided not to see each other anymore, she called me a week later and asked me to come get her)..

Anyway, we dated and she told me she was ok with "Friends with benefits" and didn't really want to call us "boyfriend and girlfriend" or in a relationship... After about 2 months of amazing times and sex, I fell for her.. I began to be needy.. I admit it, and she also told me I was being too needy (mainly in that I always wanted sex, and she would sometimes, especially when she was PMS, not want it at all).. moreover, I got a bit jealous of some of her "guy friends" and in a nutshell, made a few mistakes.. we were up and down for a month or so then about two weeks ago, her sister let her parents know about us, and her parents who are both minsters in a church, pressured her to not have sex with me.. so she told me, "I just want to be friends, no sex".. I told her I don't know if I can handle that, but after about 2-3 days I texted her and said, I'd be ok with being friends... my heart tells me otherwise by the way.. I'm not madly in love, but I am a bit infatuated, and part of me feels like this girl is way younger, and very attaractive and I don't feel I'm going to be able to land one like her again so easily.. plus, as a bonus, in bed we were a perfect fit, down to our prevesions!

So my question is this... Shall I remain friends with her? and try to again get out of the friends zone.. and this time be LESS needy.. give her more space, don't get upset if she talks to other guys, etc? Or shall I just tell her "I can't be just friends, call me if you change your mind, otherwise nice knowing you"

Even her sister told me I was being too needy, and a bit of a doormat.. I was always available for her, and broke a lot of the "rules" of being hard to get, mysterious, etc..

What to do?

Remain friends, and flirt, and slowly try to hook up with her...

Walk away, and tell her to call me if she changes her mind...

Updates

+1 y

Thanks, good answers... what if a part of me is just happy if I can get the friends with benefits for as long as I can get it? Is that bad?

[Darkfairie17]

My question is, what is is going to take for her parents to accept you?

Will they ever accept you? Because from what you have told us on here, she was perfectly okay with the relationship (except for some of the neediness) until her parents told her they disapproved.

Are they worried because you are divorced? Are they wanting her to be married before sex? What is the exact situation with the parents? Is there a way you can win them over?

I would definitely talk to her. Don't accept being friends with her if you feel you would always want more. You have a right to have the feelings you do.

But you also have to remember that you are also a catch. Even if you think you are old and that you won't land someone like her again. STOP, just stop putting her on a pedestal. This is the biggest problem with some people. They put people on a pedestal and think that is the best they can get.

To be honest, the best you can get is a woman who is willing to be with you in the way you want her to be with you. Not a woman who is asking you to make concessions to be with her.

You deserve a woman who will be your girlfriend, not just a friend with benefits. Someone who you can hold hands with and tell them that you love them and they say it back. Don't put your needs to the wayside because you feel this is as good as it gets. No, because it gets better!

I would personally sit her down and talk to her. Find out how she feels. If she doesn't truly love you or see things progressing with you, then you need to walk away. I would give the same advice if this was a woman asking the same question. You deserve the love you want. Don't sacrifice that for fear that you won't find anything better.

The thing is, 4 months is nothing! You were with a woman for 18 years and that is all you knew. Now you are alone and are clinging to the first person who you have been with since your wife. You don't even know what's out there yet!

[Asker]

The parents disapprove on the sex before marriage mainly... and the fact that my divorce isn't final (but trust me, there is no chance of us getting back together).. Also, I feel as a 32 year old woman, she should be her own woman, and not let parents dictate who she dates.

[Darkfairie17]

The thing is, she's already slept with you. And you are totally right, she is 32! Why do her parents have any control over her dating life at this point? She needs to make decisions for herself. But to be honest, it sounds like her parents have some kind of control over her life (she is letting them do that). She needs to assert herself. If she isn't willing to do that, then you need to walk away. Her parents already don't like you and it won't get any better unless she wants it to. I would definitely talk to her. But don't accept a partial relationship when you really want a full one. Yes, she may be 32, but there are plenty of other people out there. Plenty of people who can treat you better and offer you exactly what you are looking for, and not just offer you friends with benefits.

[XMissXBipolarX]

Actually maybe wait to have sex with her when you get out of the friend zone. She would probably respect you a lot more.

[Asker]

How do you recommend I get out of it? same method I used the first time? My main thing is I need to let her know I"m not as needy and "hooked on her" or in love... that was something that scared her away.. and after some reflection, I was a bit hasty.. I'm wondering if I should just hang out with her, try and make her laugh and have fun, then take her out one night, get some alcohol and go back to my place like we used to do when we were intimate?

[XMissXBipolarX]

Have fun with her, talk and laugh, go out in dates. Use romance but don't go overboard and if she says no the first time don't keep going for it. Wait a while and them try again, it might take a little while. If she is listening to her parents for whatever reason and not having sex, then you need to accept that. But if you don't feel you have any connection with this girl, I would recommend not going after her.

[Asker]

Thanks, I think I"m going to go with that advise... I do have feelings for her, and I do care for her.. I also think there are some mind games in play, but I just know that there is NO way someone who spent those good times with me, did those FREAKY things in bed with me and even told me she loved me 2-3 times (once while drunk, twice while not)... can't have totally lost interest..

I'm just not gonna do the 30 day no contact method as its' not in my heart and I frankly don't like how it plays on manipulation and not genuine feelings.

I will however play it a lot less needy, and contact her only once every few days or so.

[XMissXBipolarX]

Good idea.

[OlderAndWiser]

I assume that acting needy is not characteristic of you. With that assumption, I would guess that the primary problem is that you were rebounding. You may deny it; everyone who does a rebound denies it. Plus. . . it's the younger woman hook up that makes you feel younger and that's a might fine feeling. . . but the focus was on how it made you feel; you weren't too focused on her. She was probably feeling that you were using her for sex and when she said no more sex and you said goodbye, you confirmed her suspicion.

You have done some things that, in her mind, clearly revealed your character. It would be very difficult for you to recover from that, plus. . . do you realistically have a good shot at a happy long term relationship with her? Probably not. Appreciate it for what it was, part on good terms, and move on.

[Asker]

you're right, Im on a high... she's (in my honest view) way hotter than I'd ever have expected me to get.. and she is amazing in bed.. I am addicted to her.. the idea of her.. Shall I just try and get a friends with benefits going again? what she originally wanted? I need to be able to detach, it's a skill I need to work on frankly after 18 years of being married..

[OlderAndWiser]

You won't get another shot at friends with benefits with her. If you need some female companionship, you'll need to look elsewhere.

[Asker]

Sorry to sound a bit rude, but how exactly do you know that? I got out of the friend zone once, after two months and being told in no uncertain terms that she wasn't interested... I'm just asking because I really care about this girl and I'm not ready to "walk away" for good... I'm only willing to do so if it helps me get her back by missing me or something like that that some of the Youtube dating coaches seem to tell you to do... to me this sounds like a game, and I'm bad with games... I just wear my heart in the open.

[OlderAndWiser]

Of course I don't 'know" what she will pr will not do; I am only giving you my best educated guess. Part of my reasoning is that she succumbed to the pressure from her parents and that is a difficult hurdle to overcome. Also, when she said "no more sex," your initial reaction was "thanks but no thanks." That makes her think that your only interest was sex and that reinforces all the things that her parents probably said to her. Whatever you do now will be seen as a manipulation to get back in her good graces. Another tough problem to overcome.