After all of the lies and cheating, when do I stop giving chances?

Question

I've been with this guy for over 2 years. It was a long distance relationship. We were committed and willing to work it out. Or so I thought. A year and a half ago he moved in with me for what was supposed to be for good. Less than a month he left and we broke up. I later found out he had a backup plan for when he left that included his ex-wife and his children, they even had a code word for it. I had no idea. He knew he wasn't going to stay and needed a backup plan so he'd have a ride back home from the airport. A month later guess who comes crawling back and silly me let him in. 8 months later I moved over to 2,000 miles, quit my career, left my family, my friends and everything I knew to be with him. I thought I was being gaslighted but I wasn't sure till one day I was looking for an item I asked him if he knew where the item was he said I was a last person to touch it. I was looking in the kitchen which is the last place I saw it, I went into the bedroom where he was to ask him a question and he had the item I was looking for in his hand and ready to put it into his bedside drawer. Once I had a chance I looked and it WAS the item I was looking for. That's when I start his snooping. If he was lying about that, what else is he lying about I wondered.  I  found four phones with different phone numbers, pictures, texts, emails homemade videos (sexually) of him and his second ex-wife an much more all while we were together. When I asked him to please remove them, he met me with anger, rage and defiance. Months later he still has pictures (sexual and non sexual) of his second ex-wife that he refuses to delete, memories that has to do with the woman he physically cheated on me with and videos of their sexual relationship. I feel like this whole relationship is based on lies. I was willing to forgive and work it out. But he won't meet me halfway. My heartache is unbearable at times. When do I stop giving chances?

RangerBlue22 · Accepted Answer

You know this yet another example of how women keep chasing the wrong kind of men yet want to play victim when the inevitable happens. The writing was on the wall with this guy and there were tons of red flags but you dove head first into the dark pit anyway.

Just admit you were attracted to the challenge of “changing of him.” Really just admit it. Unless you were financially dependent on this asshole (and I doubt you are) you could go walked away a long time ago but you didn’t. And that is on you.

I don’t like seeing women or anyone being mistreated. However from my observations women are all to often just slaves to their emotions. They will ignore, quickly reject and pass up (and exploit) otherwise good men they don’t find “challenging”. Then some manipulative asshole comes along and it gets their juices going and they completely throw all common sense and logic to the wind.

If you want to chase these kind of assholes because they excite you then fine. Be my guest. But when things go south (and they will) don’t come looking for shoulders to cry on. Instead take accountability for your bad decision and the consequences thereof. You are not a victim. Nor are most guys like this guy you chased.

I am just really fed up seeing women make bad dating decisions and then looking “support” afterwards. They just can’t take ownership that it was on them to pursue these kind of men to begin with.

I bet you passed up and ignored a bunch decent men along the way. However since they were just too boring because they lacked drama and challenge.

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

"When do I stop giving chances?" About a year and a half ago! I'm not defendng his behavior but when you learn about it and excuse it, you become the problem. . . not him.

SueShe · Accepted Answer

When do you stop? Once he has you 6 feet under and not before.

It seems that you did not learn your lesson the very first time it happened. The fact that he has a wife and children AND you as a backup girl should have been reason enough not to enter in that relation in the first place.

The second you realized that you were either lied on or cheated is the time you should have drawn a line. You know, finding sexual content on a phone or elsewhere that does not involve you IS cheating. It is emotional cheating and emotional cheating does lead to full physical cheating sooner or later. Guaranteed. It is only a matter of incentive given to the cheater.

What you should do now? Simply sever all ties, get rid of all trinkets and memorabilia and start anew. Change your locks if need be and change your phone number as well as to cancel all your social media where he has the possibility to contact you.

If you want your peace of mind, this is what you have to do otherwise you will never be able to make this final cut. Good luck.

PrettyPriya · Accepted Answer

My eyes hurt after reading that all in bold text. So, when do you stop giving chances? Uh, like now. Why do you keep doing this to yourself. Yes, he is a liar and won't change. That is on him. However, this is now your fault as well because you keep allowing him back in your life.

See, what you are doing is reinforcing his behaviour. He knows that he can get away with these things and you will let him come back to you. What incentive does he have to change?

Also, I would never give a cheater a second chance. Nope. That is a deal breaker if there ever was one for me personally. I find cheating the most despicable act of betrayal in a relationship. Once that has happened, it is over. There is no discussion about it from then on.

You need to leave this guy. He is going to keep doing these things over and over. That much should be crystal clear to you because you are living it right now. You do know the saying 'Once a cheater, always a cheater', right? Yeah, well that applies here.

Paris13 · Answer

Right Now!! He is a loser who will always be lying and deceiving you. Make a Game Plan for you ONLY But------Book Out of his Life and Say "Bye, Guy!!!" He can't be Trusted. xxoo

Hulk_kitty · Answer

There are 2 videos, i have this girl, guys messing her around. I suggest you them, its amazing advice.

bobalife · Answer

It starts now… :( this is heart breaking, but girl don’t go back to someone who will lie and cheat continuously… you should leave now and save yourself from more heart aches... I’m sure it’s hard but think about your future and happiness, it’s not here with him…

Anonymous · Answer

Are you a Republican? - Then never. Lies are good.
OK seriously, YOU STOP RIGHT NOW!!! You weren't just silly to do what you did, you were a fool. An idiot. I'm sure that hurts like hell, but I said it so you can hear it and deal with it. You deal with it by recognizing your mistake, forgiving yourself for being so blind, and dumping this ass hat out of your life, and going forward.

Do whatever you have to do to get your assets together, secure a job, and find a better place to live. By that I mean, take all the money you can get your hands on and move it to a separate account in your name only. Do that today. Stay at a friend's house to be safe while you're disengaging. When it's time to get your stuff, get a restraining order and see if the police will accompany you to the house. If not, hire someone if you feel unsafe or bring lots of friends to help. Get the hell out as soon as you can. Do this now. You have nothing and no future with this guy ever.

VikingWarLord · Answer

I know your "type" so dammn well. You sort of knew that you weren't his main option, but that turns you on even to this day. You're somewhat insecure about your looks and don't think you can do much better. And face it, settling for the average beta type male wouldn't work for you either. So you're stuck between a rock and hard place. Ask me how I knew

Unit1 · Answer

I can sum up 1000 words the others have posted into a single sentence: One strike and you're out! Well?

Anonymous · Answer

... stand up for yourself and leave! I don't know why you're making things worse on yourself by keep making yourself a doormat and letting him back in. sorry but you need some tough love from these comments, it'll only better yourself. after the first time should have been enough, you need to be done with this guy once and for all. i swear if you post another question about him saying you took him back, don't disappoint your heart again please!

Sasha0426 · Answer

You should’ve stopped the moment he went back to his ex.

MackBoy · Answer

When you know that he is cheating on you, you should divorce him because there is no use waiting till your worst moment. due to social media people can be easily distracted, so find one whom you trust. it applies to both genders. that is why I am scared to marry a girl

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

I stopped reading at long distance relationship. I'm going to throw back my pills and take a sip of my drink. I've already identified the problem.

exitseven · Answer

You are way past the point that anyone else would forgive him. I feel really bad for you and realize you are trying hard to make this work but it is obvious this guy is a serial cheater and a serial liar.

Razp_Sorbet · Answer

You already should have stopped. But since you haven't, now is the answer. This man is not worth the heartache. He's clearly not serious about you and you deserve someone who actually wants to be with you.

Anemone978 · Answer

Found 4 phones... and you didn't dump him on the spot...  Never leave a good spot for a SO it is never a good idea.

Adaeva · Answer

You are getting exactly what you are asking for and therefore what you deserve. I recommend you seek therapy.

DellBell · Answer

you deserve a loyal man stop giving this man chances and let him go because he's not gonna change his ways, gotta give yourself some self respect. :)

slatyb · Answer

The correct answer is you never start giving chances. It's one and done.

Heather0xx · Answer

Leave him now!! Or end up like me 5 years later miserable lost all my friends don’t have a life outside of him, etc. good luck girl I know it’s easier said than done trust me I’m struggling!

FreyaRed · Answer

You enjoy that drama but you dislike to lose.

whorable · Answer

stop being a push over. you know the obvious answer

Mangospacho · Answer

If you have to ask if it’s time to stop giving him more chances, especially after all the lies and cheating, then it’s time to stop giving him chances.

After all of the lies and cheating, when do I stop giving chances?

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After all of the lies and cheating, when do I stop giving chances?

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