Going out on 4th date... Should I ask what he's looking for?

Question

Me and this guy have been talking for about a month now I want to ask him what he's looking for.. I want to take things slow but I just want to make sure we are looking for the same thing (serious relationship down the line) to avoid wasting our time. I don't think he's looking for a hookup since we haven't even kissed yet but at the same time I don't know if he's just dating around just for the sake of it. is it too early to ask? I don't wanna scare him away. How do I ask him without scaring him?

btbc92 · Accepted Answer

does it matter if it's too early to ask? if you going based on your opinions and what you're looking for in relationship you're not going to be concerned about what's too early and what isn't. if you're looking to date seriously then prove that you are dating seriously by asking those questions. because if you don't ask those questions before you get official that person is going to feel that they wasted their time with somebody who doesn't share the same values views and beliefs as them. if you say your going to waste time, then why are you contemplating on waiting things out further than what you really need? is better to ask now while it's still on your mind because the last thing you want to do is get so infatuated with the guy that you forgot about everything else that's important to you to feel safe in the comfortable relationship. you don't want to find out things later on and then go through a heartbreak. you yourself needs to choose whether or not if it's worth it this is not our decision and it's not our dating lives. because if it was me I would want to know about this way before the first date. that's why I always say you need to be friends first for a few months to a year before you make a decision about whether or not you want to make things into a romantic one. because now you're afraid to lose the guy and that's not a good thing. when dating is about processing and eliminating people that are not for you. not to be swooning over their looks and putting them up on a pedestal fantasizing with your relationship can be then when things go wrong your whole fantasy goes into a nightmare. remember that this is the real world and don't lose sight of it.

SnowyOwl · Accepted Answer

Of course you should ask. Good relationships are founded on good communication. So if you guys officially dating, and you want to ask him if he officially wants to be your boyfriend, then go ahead. Its normal that you need a confirmation to feel more secure. Tell him how you feel, and tell him that you want both of you to be on the same page. Ask h if he's ready for it. Making things official is an important step for you guys to structure your future together (not Facebook official though). So yes, go ahead, there's no reason to feel uncomfortable about it.

barbie2525 · Accepted Answer

I actually asked my guy on the 2nd date after talking for a few weeks. I brought it up very casually and said so at this stage in your life what exactly are you looking for? Are you wanting a relationship, just a casual fling or what? He said he is looking for a relationship with the right person. I told him I wasn't trying to push anything and that I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. He was trxrinf me after and wants to hang out again soon.

LovingNerd · Accepted Answer

Give yourself permission to slow down, as you mentioned, and enjoy this, naturally.

Sharing your thoughts about the goals in your life is as simple such that it's commentary, "I enjoy your company and the connection we share." You could easily add something clever, "What else would you like to share together?"

There are so many ways to peak his interest, without being pushy. Still, when a women turns up her charm, I'm more apt to do the same. it's okay to have dates that touch on one or two points, just remember to set a natural pace, otherwise, guys know when they're being interviewed and we start putting up walls, or looking for an exit.

RimeIce · Accepted Answer

There's taking things slow and then there's this. Not so much as a kiss in three dates? Many guys, even good guys not just looking for a hookup, would not schedule a second date without at least a kiss on the first date. Either you both belong to an ultraconservative religion, or he is waay into you. Since you two were talking for a month, this conversation should have happened before the first date. It needs to happen now. Call him before the next date and make sure your not wasting each other's time.

coachTanthony · Answer

Here is a question for you... what if he really sucks at kissing? Do you really want to have this conversation before you even kiss the guy?

Anonymous · Answer

it just depends on the vibes between you guys. me personally, i always assume the guy isn't look for anything serious & instead focus my energy on getting to know him & enjoying my time with him... go with the flow :) honestly i used to worry a lot about what the guy i was dating was lookinig for & it just ruined the whole gettting to know you part... you guys are already dating. most guys don't date for nothing & are lookking for a girlfriend. just be okay with whatever & have a good time. [honestly once i stopped worrying about when to bring this question up, guys i was dating casually started to want to commit to me etc. it's all in the attitude. i think it is a mistake to put pressure on the relationship so early on to go somewhere.]

Bananaman177 · Answer

I never heard of waiting 'til the fourth date for that.

That's like the first ten minutes of the first date.

That's the fastest way to get to know somebody. "What do you want?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rePUcLwXgM

That tells you way more about somebody than, "Oh, where do you work, where'd you grow up, where do you live," bullshit. That should be the first thing you try to find out about somebody you're dating.

"Who the fuck are you and what the fuck do you want?"

Stosh66 · Answer

You both absolutely are justified in asking each other's intentions. Some of the responders here have suggested that you "just live in the moment"... or that you play some sort of guessing game, or make assumptions based on reading eachother. That's ridiculous and unfair to both of you. You're at the age that honesty is definitely the best, and only policy... ESPECIALLY if your long term goal is a long term relationship.

Anticipation · Answer

there are some guys that are really nervous about being with a girl that they like,, he might be the same as you,, he may not want to scare you away.

How old are the both of you? Students? Jobs?

You can make little gestures like leaning against him when you are at a movie,, or driving somewhere to together, though there are way too many vehicles that don't have bench seats like the kind of cars I drove in the 80's,, hard to lean against someone with bucket seats,,

Get yourself some kissing potion lip gloss,, send little messages like asking him if he has ever tried cherry flavor kissing potion before,, whether he says yes or no, tell him you thought it might come in handy after a date,,

What is the worst thing that can happen? After 4 dates I think it is clear he likes you,, he just needs to plant a little romantic kiss.. you might be his first.

rexy224 · Answer

just ask him. To be honest I'm going to speak for a lot of guys here. Regardless of what type of relationship a guy wants with a partner they Want your input. be as blunt as possible and WE LOVE BLUNT. If you let him know that you are looking for long term relationships that's how he might start viewing the relationship as well and he'll put more effort into you and the relationship. Guys honestly don't mind talking about their emotions, we just aren't really good at making an opening to talk about them so if you instigate the conversation, I'm sure he'd be more than willing to let you know.

ddy0974 · Answer

Should have been asked on date #1. Most guys have no problem stating intentions. When it comes to dating keep it simple. Yes, no, black and white. Date 4 and he hasn't kissed you? Hope he's at least tried. I know after date one if I want to do that!

Megalyssa · Answer

Since you've been talking for this long a good idea would be to ask before you meet in a course of a casual conversation

Anonymous · Answer

A guy that’s looking for s*x would not go to more than 2 dates if he didn’t get you in bed by the second one. And since you say you haven’t even kissed yet that’s another sign of seriousness and that he also takes it slow.
Guys usually look for either a serious relationship (90%) or they look for s*x… (10%). There isn’t really anything in between that guys want unlike a lot of girls who wants some kind of semi-committed half serious dating relationship/romantic friendship.

and if he is looking for friendship you would have been 100% sure about it.

and by the information you provided it seems most likely he is serious about you.

slutsdontgetoral · Answer

If you scare him so what? If he was interested in a LRT he would not be scared away. I don't like to waste my time if someone isn't interested in a LTR. Be blunt."I don't want to be scare you away but what would you say if I told you I was looking for a LTR"?

Anonymous · Answer

The easiest way to figure out what a guy may be looking for, is to know exactly what you bring to the table, and have to offer that can benefit someone. Want a serious relationship? Then being confident of exactly what having a serious relationship with you will bring to his life, compared to any other girl will allow you to figure out what he wants.

Spykz · Answer

I usually ask girls what they are looking for on the first day I meet them so that I don't waste my time. Ask him as soon as possible so that you don't find out he's looking for someone who may not be you.

Anonymous · Answer

I would have asked that in the first or second date because I don't want both of us to get our hopes up for nothing.

Now even if he is looking for a serious relationship, he might not know yet if he wants it with you, but depending on how your dates have been (calmly spent, talked about a lot of things, etc.) he will probably already have a clear idea about that - same as you do.

BrittBratt2416 · Answer

It's the 4th date, i think its safe to at least ask what he wants or is looking for when it comes to a relationship. Does he want something serious or is he just kinda enjoying the ride for now but once it stops or he gets bored, is he just gonna hop off and go to the next ride? So yes i think you should ask him, just word it carefully like "so are you just casual dating for now or looking for a relationship?" Just make it sound as casual as possible so no warning signs will go off in his head.

desijj14 · Answer

I think it's more than fair. I would start out by asking him when a good time to talk about what he's looking for and what you're looking for would be. Don't just jump in and starting asking questions but set a time. He will likely say "now".. then tell him what you're looking for a committed, exclusive relationship (or whatever) - then ask what his thoughts are based on your feelings

GingerGuy · Answer

Definitely ask and by the 4th date you shouldn't scare him now. It's not too early at all in my opinion. Could've asked on the first or second date I think. But yeah, just ask. If you were telling me, I'd want you to ask me the question, then immediately following it up with what you want and are looking for. But if you want, you can see what he says first? Either way, no matter his response, do tell him what exactly you want. And don't hint at it or anything either, be honest and direct.

JohnDoe3000 · Answer

He's not dating "for the sake of dating". If you haven't kissed and he still wants to see you then he's serious.

pretty-kitty · Answer

Just be open and honest, relationships are all about communication so it's good to be able to talk about these things. If you scare him off then you got your answer, right?

KendrickOD · Answer

just ask him. if he gets offended then I don't know that's his problem. it's a honest question if you believe. you deserve a relationship

Anon-ymous1 · Answer

You can't ask without scaring him. Either it'll scare him no matter how you ask, or it won't. There is no in between. Just be honest. Not necessarily blunt, but honest and open. Good luck.

eagle1951 · Answer

why does everyone. want to ask that question? why can you just go with the flow and see what happens?

He-man · Answer

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thatonegirl_e · Answer

You're wasting time by not asking him what he's looking for. So go ahead and ask. If he's scared off by a simple question he wasn't worth your time anyway.

WalterRadio · Answer

Usually, that is a question in the very first email contact.  You can't scare someone away with whom you are in sync. He seems a little slow anyway.

rjroy3 · Answer

If I were you I'd mention that. Just be clear that you really like him and like your time getting to know eachother, but are curious about what he's looking for.

Anonymous · Answer

I think by the fourth date, it is certainly appropriate to have this conversation. He probably has similar questions for you, if he is serious as well. It is the obvious next step to seeing if you are right for each other.

sodaa_popp · Answer

Yes, that is a fair question. Pay attention to tone and body language during his response.

momo770 · Answer

I think it's a mistake to assume he's looking for anything serious, why don't you just live in the moment?

JustCallMeLeon · Answer

Do ask. These things need to be clear before the 2nd date.

QueenofCups · Answer

4th date is about time to have The Talk.

Anonymous · Answer

No. Way too soon for that. Take it slow and enjoy it

Heartonmysleeve88 · Answer

In my opinion, I tell guys what I am looking for when they ask me out. I am sorry but I am not going to be a hoe for them.

genericname85 · Answer

How can you not know that on the 4th date? XD what have you been talking about all the time?

thedarknight88 · Answer

why would you ask that on the 4th date it's just a date you're not in a relationship you're an idiot obviously he wants to spend time with you and get to know you he doesn't know what he wants yet it's only the 4th date you're dumb

AlwaysBelieving · Answer

Do you want to ask him or do you want to just "skirt the issue"?

red324 · Answer

Isn't that a first date question? I usually ask that even before the first date.

Anonymous · Answer

if it meant to be, it will find it's way. you women always love to bring stuff like this into the picture that actually ruining everything in the end lol

Anonymous · Answer

You must give up the snatch before even thinking to ask him such tripe.

rajpotchh · Answer

no. igjt get offended... just hang out

Anonymous · Answer

I would have asked on the first. Isn't it an obvious thing to ask. Nothing to build up on.

ATuairiscean · Answer

I think asking during the 4th date is fair enough

HaveAcookie · Answer

I think you should wait. you're rushing things.

Anonymous · Answer

You do not need to ask directly. Do it indirectly

suddy · Answer

No. Date to date. Do not push commitment.

Hidden_P · Answer

It's too early.

Anonymous · Answer

yeah you can ask it

Anonymous · Answer

he'd better be looking for condoms...

Dme500 · Answer

yes.

james_mark · Answer

He shy maybe

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