What makes a guy want hook-ups vs. marriage?

Question

So, I try to be the best girlfriend I can be to my boyfriends at the time. I care for them emotionally and physically; trying to be an uplifting partner. There is this one guy who is 22 who works at a retail store and doesn’t make much, he’s not in school, doesn’t have his driver’s permit yet, and still lives with his mom. All he’s wanting is a hookup and not a serious relationship. Is there something about me that’s keeping him from pursuing me on a deeper level? Or could his lack of motivation be the issue? Maybe this is totally off but I’m not sure how a guy’s mind works. In a nutshell, I try to be a great partner, but he’s only wanting a hookup from me. Is this a personal issue? Or maybe he’s not pleased with the way he’s living his life? Help?

zeitgeist057 · Accepted Answer

I would flip this question and ask you, what is it that makes you want marriage vs. a hookup? Are you not happy with your life? Are you insecure that if you don't "lock it down" you will be abandoned? What is the motivation for wanting "a serious relationship", and what would you gain from that?

I probably come across as attacking your views, I apologize for that. I am curious, I actually just posted a question that sort of relates to this from the guy's perspective.

I have had a lot of non-marriage relationships. I wouldn't call the majority of them "hook-ups", as they were intimate relationships with women I was attracted to for more than a night or a weekend. But they all had their time, and then came to an end. So I'm curious about long (er) term relationships and what the value or perceived value is to them.

I sometimes equate it to traveling, and ask "what is the benefit of staying in one place your whole life, when you could travel and experience the world?"

Or food, "Why pick one food to be your favorite and just eat that the rest of your life, when you could experience so many different flavors?"

I ask these questions but I have been very open to a long term relationship because I see people seeking them out and happy in them. But it remains a mystery what the big benefit is, and what's wrong with enjoying the company of those I have met along the way?

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

Men have always been expected to have their lives figured out and to at least be on a path to success (that's enough if you're young) before you can have a serious relationship, because a lot is expected from men in a relationship as a general rule. If a guy is good-looking, charismatic, or has some fame/celebrity, maybe he can slide a bit, but the majority of men have those expectations, and are well aware of it.

But not everyone has it figured out at his age, or maybe there are family or financial reasons that he's behind the curve. Sometimes if a guy is too busy and has very little free time, he also won't get into relationships. Girls aren't happy if they never get time with their boyfriend, and guys don't want that drama. Finally, some guys just don't want to accept any responsibility - they aren't ready to grow up yet.

All those are reasons that have nothing to do with the girl.

Sometimes it IS the girl. If the guy is ready for a relationship, but doesn't see the girl as "relationship material", then that's the girl, but more often, it's the guy that is the issue.

EyeAmNiceGirl · Accepted Answer

The fact that his ambition level is so low that he doesn't even care to get a driver's license by age 22 ought to be a big warning sign. The real issue isn't him, it's you. The real issue isn't about him just wanting to f*ck you with no interest in a relationship; rather, the issue is that you are upset that a guy like that doesn't want a relationship with you. And from the context, it looks like you are letting him f*ck you with no strings attached. You need to seek counseling. Nothing wrong with liking penis, but you really need to up your standards regarding the guy the penis is attached to. FYI, evey guy on the planet has a penis, so pick your guy based on something else; you know, something like being of good character and having at least a little bit of ambition. I promise you that a penis attached to a great guy is far more satisfying than a penis attached to a jerk or a lazy bum. . . sounds crazy, but it's true.

Dreamy2020 · Accepted Answer

He is not a stage in his life where he wants anything serious. He doesn't have a purpose in his life. He is lost, doesn't know what he wants. Everyones says because he is young and can't commit. But that is not necessarily true. There are a lot of people who got married at young age. It is more about where they are in their life. A man could be 40 years old and still not ready to commit. If he doesn't have his shit together, he is not gonna commit. And he knows this himself. It is not about you, it's about him.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

There are guys who just want casual sex and there are other guys who are looking for a serious partner for an LTR. Most guys don't flop back and forth between the two, depending on how you treat them.

This particular guy sounds like he is not very mature and the idea of assuming responsibility for someone else probably scares the hell out of him.

Makeushiver · Answer

Millenia of evolution has made humans one of the few animals that reproduce year round. Because of the pleasure associated with sex, and our ability to reason, we don't choose to hook-up, its an evolutionary imperative and applies to women equally as men. Men, because we can be be insensitive, immature pigs, may want to find a woman w/whom he wants aa family much less frequently than he finds women attractive enough to want to fuck/. It seems like a no brainer since everything preferred by men does nothing to help ameliorate the problem off unwed mother's struggles to survive and often don't even bring a condom to an encounter that he thinks may end up on his dick later that day, relying on women to have one available,
That said, from a biologicasl standpoint women are more sexual then men. the clit is the only organ in human that has no other function than to provide you pleasure. It has more nerve endings than a guy's cock. Women are capable of multi[le orgasms far more than men, more $ more widely distributed erogenous zones than me, If anything, women should be seeking NSA sex and men looking for partner, Despite that, he socio-economic concerns of unwed mothers, women should be physiologically `predisposerd to random and frequent sex. But that and the double standard of continuing to ise terms like slut for sexually active and interested women while men are studs for the same behavior. I've known girls who were pretty free of socio-eonomic concerns and slut shaming and they have been incredibly sexual

Anonymous · Answer

Logic and instinct. There are no real benefits to marriage, whereas there are many benefits to hook-ups.

As for instinct: Male instinct is to reproduce by having sex with as many women as possible. Something you can't do while married, but can do with hook-ups. There is also inherent excitement and enjoyment in having multiple partners. Think of it like food. Even your favorite food is something you'll get tired of if it's the only thing you ever eat.

As for logic: Marriage and dating are expensive and he doesn't have much money already. He can't adequately fill the role of provider, and may have no interest in doing so in the first place. Marriage or serious relationships also mean sacrificing a lot of your time for someone else, which is a pretty steep negative for someone who enjoys their personal time. It also means a sacrifice of personal freedom, as just about your every action and decision must also take into consideration the happiness of the other person.

Usually, when men get older and tired, then they "settle down" and are more willing to make these sacrifices. At 22, he just has too much life left in him and wants to continue to live.

ohshee · Answer

I THINK you answered your own question ,, so he doesn't have much and who knows what he wants or is even saving to do anything,, ok so he likes you. ,, but he can't afford you in his mind , if he takes it further and starts dating to it's going to cost him. And he has nothing already so instead of getting another job and doing it right he is gojng to try to keep doing the hook up thing as long as he can don't blame him but he really does need a better job or another side job I know I would do what ever it takes

Finchie40 · Answer

Hook ups are just using someone it’s convenience , this guy you are talking about pretty much knows he isn’t marriage material cuz he feels he doesn’t have his shit together and doesn’t have much to offer you , so by him just hooking up He feels that’s all he can offer you cuz he knows he can’t support you , a guy that wants marriage usually has. His shit together has a good secure job is independent , wants to fall in love and have a family , A hook up is just getting off on someone without any obligations

RingOfFire · Answer

I think the answer has two parts.

Part one is some guys NEVER want to marry someone no matter what.

Part two is, a guy has to be at the point in his life where that's what he wants. If he's not, then it's not going to happen. But in the meantime he still needs sex.

Not many 22 year old guys are ready to be married or commit to a serious relationship. For that matter not many 22 years old girls (these days) want that either.

I don't think it's so much what you do as it is whether or not the guy is ready for it.

J2ohhhhh · Answer

Wanting to hook up and wanting a relationship is the same thing. In both cases you have an end goal and the person is less relevant as a person. As girls don't wanna be a sex object guys don't wanna be a relationship object. If you are really interested in getting to know someone from closer, relationship just happens, same with sex. Guys think about relationship as girls think about sex. Most of us likes it, but don't like to be used for it. Stop looking at guys as boyfriend materials, and start to listen. And do not ask yourself how not to show that you want a relationship. It ain't fake it till you make it. You actually have to learn how to be interested in a person rather than in a relationship.

DJB72 · Answer

For a lot of guys - many of whom seem to be on this site - the adage "why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free" is accurate.

If you don't want a guy to treat you like a hookup, don't behave like one.

At the end of the day men will do the least amount of work they can get away with to get what they want. Place a high value on yourself and what you have to offer - I'm actually NOT explicitly meaning sex by that - and you'll find a caliber of men that want to meet that start to gravitate to you. It's possible the guy who is currently the hookup might recognise your real value and step up. If he doesn't, then he's not worth pursuing anyway.

TheorionMage · Answer

You have in essence, answered your own question.

YOU are making efforts to be a great 'PARTNER'... he's immature and a 'slacker', parasitically doing JUST ENOUGH for his mother not to kick his mooching ass to the curb. He's immaturely seeking a sexual fantasy 'playmate' ... NOT a 'life' mate.

He's of the belief that he can... and will 'game' you for as long as it meets your fantasies needs too. (Can't 'rape' the willing...)

Then, he'll tell you are a 'big girl' and should have known better; cause he's NOT responsible (in SO many ways) for YOUR misperception~ A-hole!

Wedimir · Answer

If you want to get married, why do you need casual relationships? Set yourself a clear goal and follow it without deviating. Choose your man carefully. It should be solid and responsible in every sense. For those who have worked up, who are successful, who want children, who are caring, and so on, Do not be distracted by pacifiers. "You can't "give" to everyone who wants you! Do not laugh, take care of yourself for your man, he is also looking for you! Be true to him!"

VanillaSalt · Answer

Men have lost all reason to grow the fuck up... like seriously why man up when you can have an easy life? Women and scorn used to be mans main reasons to man up but nowadays women don’t care what men want as long as they get what they want and men being raised with masculinity is trivialized.

Gotta grow up sometime but not more than society will allow you to get away with. Why should a man get a great job, get a vehicle, get his own place when he can live off 30 hours a week and has the rest of his week to jack around?

godfatherfan · Answer

Some men are just too immature and have no drive or ambition. Sometimes it comes from being handed everything when they were growing up. Sometimes they are just lazy. Anyone that is 22 and showing no initiative to improve themselves or their station in life is someone you should stay away from. If he was in his late teens I could say "well he is just getting the most of the last couple years as a kid". But once you are in your twenties, mom and dad shouldn't be supporting you full time unless you are a student. You should not be content on living in the basement and walking everywhere. Sometimes life throws us curve balls and we have to do things like that. I lived at home until I was 25 with the exception of my time in the military. But I was working full time and going to school part time during all that time.

hahahmm · Answer

1. He's not looking for serious. Just like many woman go through phases of not being interested in or valuing a serious relationship.
2. The more you act in non traditional ways, the harder it will be for you to find a guy willing to get into a traditional relationship with you. And even if you find a guy while acting non traditional, that guy will not be the best catch. This is just one of the laws of life that is what it is regardless of how many feminists don't like it. Ask yourself why you think this guy is marriage material (at this point in his life)? And before you answer think of all the women who had babies with the wrong guys or secretly had abortions. Think of the mile high pile of dumb things women just like you have done while thinking they were making a great choice.

paullingren · Answer

Most likely (because I was in the same position for a long time) he hasn't figured out what in life drives him yet. He hasn't figured out himself of his passions to the point where he has an ambitious goal.

So what it comes down to is: is that the path he's on? Is he actively trying to figure that out? I was, and eventually did. The trend he's on matters more than where he's at now.

If you're on that path and he's not, then you may not have an aligned goal as a couple and it could be time for a serious talk about it or for you to move on and find someone at your level.

Cupidfirstcousin · Answer

That's very simple to answer, the sex is different when you're not married. Women tend to pull out all the stops and men tend to spend more for them to pull out all the stops when it comes to sex. Once you get married, for some couples that I've heard especially the male have complained that the sex activity has basically diminished and their partner now no longer gives them the type of sex that they was getting when they were dating. Women tend to want to get pregnant more and that diminishes the attention that the male was getting when there wasn't married and the responsibilities of marriage life tend to put stress on the relationship as well you know the normal thing bills and if one spouse is not working that's even more stress.

rjroy3 · Answer

Make a guy feel Accepted, Approved of, and Appreciated as a man and he'll love you.

Genuinely love men being men, while also loving sex and men will last after you more.

Combine those together and you'll likely be getting more marriage proposals than you're comfortable with.

Seems silly. But when a woman really loves sex. She's thinking about it. She wants it. And she loooves men. Guys can smell that on you. When they say a dog is in heat. Same thing for people.

A girl who has that while making guys feel appreciated, accepted and approved of for being a man is intoxicating.

DC_Underground · Answer

For me im old school and I want to settle down... I don't want to go from girl to girl because I find that chaotic and annoying. If people want stability and peace of mind in life, then find the right partner for you. If someone asked me, hey do you want to work for a bank one week and the next week work as a teacher and then the next week work as a garbage pick up guy why would I change my job that many times? With jobs, don't we try to stay with one job with the right benefits, pay and travel time? But it seems to me guys and girls today who act like sheep or a deer caught in the head lights just follow what the government and media tell them to do. If the media tells girls that marriage is wrong and kids are wrong and feminism bashes men and says be career focused 1000000% of the time (nothing wrong being career driven) but is that truly life? To give that much effort towards your job? Girls are just as guilty wanting hook ups now as well.

JKingOff · Answer

A lot of things. It could be the way that their parents behaved when they were together as he was growing up, it could be a conglomeration of bad past relationships, or it could even be the way he was when he was younger and for that reason doesn't want to have a kid. Some guys will willingly take themselves out of the gene pool if they perceive something wrong genetically within themselves. It could also be a financial issue. Maybe he doesn't want to marry someone who is unwilling to sign a prenuptial agreement.

cth96190 · Answer

Why?
Look at what happens to men in the Family Court.
They lose at least half of everything, then the court will order spousal and child support that will transform the man into the woman's impoverished slave for the next 20 years.
The woman can accuse the man of anything and, under the Duluth Model, the man is assumed to be guilty. When it is shown that the woman is a liar, nothing happens to her. Women get a pass on perjury in Family Court matters.
When the legal and financial situation of men in relationships is considered, it is a wonder that men even talk to women.
Two months ago, in Canada, a man who had dated a woman (not married, or even cohabited) was ordered to pay $50,000 a month in spousal support. Expect that to spread throughout the West.
When it does, even dating will become too dangerous for most men to contemplate.

lightbulb27 · Answer

If they can receive the greatest of drug releases for low cost... why work on themselves... sacrifice and submit to a woman when they are likely to suffer. It makes no sense unless they were committed to a value system.

He wants marriage to keep that woman and or have family. Hookup means easily discard.

Poppykate · Answer

This guy needs to get his shit together, before even thinking about a serious relationship! He just wants to use you to get off! Sorry sweetheart for being so blunt, but you need to aim higher! Go for a man who has some ambition or goals in life!

bamesjond0069 · Answer

1. Some men aren't ready for a relationship with anyone. Many times they want to feel comfortable with a career or accomplish some kind of goal. Ie travel someplace specific. These men will never want more than casual until they achieve their goal.

2. Then there are men who want a relationship however if they find a girl who is sexually pleasing but not relationship material they will still often engage in casual sex but its hookup only. In my personal experience i dont date sluts, so if a girl hooksup with me quickly and easily she has just eliminated herself from my relationship consideration. This is a common reason and the main motivation behind fuck boys. Although for other men it could be other things as well.

Anonymous · Answer

Your (and his) age. Most guys aren't looking to settle down yet. And, you are too young for marriage right now (should wait until you're 25 at least, and have dated for quite a while before considering marriage).

But it also depends on his views of marriage in general. Generally speaking, it's the guy that has the most to loose (and not just temporarily) if the marriage doesn't work out, and look at the divorce rate today. It's not something to be excited about doing or want to for a guy lol. It's like, "lets play risk. The chances of loosing everything for the rest of your life are extremely high, but lets do it anyway).

But it's also the way it seems to be these days. Even a lot of women aren't looking for anything serious. People just can't be bothered or want to deal with the "drama" of a relationship.

Avicenna · Answer

There are two main situations in which this occurs.
in your Situation, the guys just want sex because they dont appreciate relationships and/or don’t have a clue about them.
the other situation is where the guy doesn’t see the woman as relationship material much less marriage material, but he would pursue a relationship if he did.

Your only mistake is that you’re dating a boy, not a man who can communicate properly and knows he wants a relationship.

ShadezMcgee · Answer

The guy sounds like he's lazy with no drive from your descriptio, but its possi le he is just a guy who wants hook ups since relationships and marriage consume a lot of time, responsibility and generally favor women in marriage if it comes down to it.

Retail job, no license or car, still lives with his mother. Doesn't sound like a guy who has his life together.

I am going off of what you told us, but he sounds like a dud.

BCA6010 · Answer

If a guy is looking for hookups, he isn't going to be interested in marriage. If a guy is looking for marriage, he isn't going to be interested in hookups.  It's pretty much that simple.

Kodprn · Answer

Guys want marriage when they are bored with life and want kids and have there life together. Normally but I met a lot of older guys that sleep around and only got a wife to have kids with. Then they come to and understand that she can sleep around and he can. They stay together out of convince and due to separation benefits neither parties

buckyboy · Answer

I am an exact replica of your boyfriend except that I am still studying and I am 21.
I dont have my future decided and fixed yet. So whenever I feel the need of a girl's touch, I search for hookups and sex. I am not emotionally ready to connect with a girl for life.
Even if I get into a relationship, I might easily get distracted and might cheat on her.

But I hope this might change as I become mature and have planned a future.
There is no problem with you. But I won't blame him completely either. Its just that phase of life.
I bet that your boyfriend needs someone to get attached with emotionally ( this is true in my case). All you gotta do is to express whatever you feel about him and ask him to openup.

Be supportive of each other. I believe girls are more mature emotionally than guys of same age. So you gotta take the upper hand and advice him.

I know this answer is long. But this question has a personal touch to me. So I wanted to help.

Tstrbrainer · Answer

I don't think it has to do anything with your character.

He is not willing to get into a relationship and that's his decision, that's all.

If you are looking for a committed relationship, just move on and find someone looking for the same thing

UrBrotherCain · Answer

there are like 3 moments where a guy will think
"if I dont marry this woman."
its based on how you act.
how you act when he is at his vulnerable.
how you act when he is succeeding.
how you act when he is at his lowest.

right now the man is at his lowest give your support. maybe be a hookup? once you prove to be "The Girl" he will give you the world once you pass the other "trials".

Anonymous · Answer

Hmmmm let's see...

The 5% of men that women will even talk to realize that they can treat a woman like crap and replace her with another dumb shallow cunt who gets wet upon just seeing them... over and over.
Why would any slimeball choose to get married when they have dozens of shallow women throwing themselves at him no matter how bad a person he is?
You brought this on yourselves, the rest of us men will just laugh as you get treated like worthless whores and/or raped and killed by the men YOU CHOSE.

DocT1977 · Answer

That's a good question. I was never one that believed in hookup culture as in my personal belief, sex should only be for those who have established a committed relationship. Anything outside of that in my perspective is asking for trouble.

SomeGuyCalledTom · Answer

I think it's just different stages of life. You can always start with casual hookups, and then progress marriage later. But you can't start with marriage and then decide to have casual hookups. (i mean, i guess you *could*, but it would be kinda pathetic)

MAC1983 · Answer

He's 22... His brain and body do not stop to grow until you are 24. He might change, he might not... ... But it's up to you choosing if you want to stick around to find out!

magiusX26 · Answer

it can be many reasons. such as what does he gain by getting married. most times marriage takes a lot from a guy and give him little to nothing. yhere id also maybe he doesn't have his shit together yet and knows he's not ready to marry. could be he's just a fuckboy. could be social/family reasons or even religious. could be he doesn't see you as wife material. could be he is unsure if he is husband material. plus various other little things.

Madmegalomaniac · Answer

It depends on the guy and what part of his life he's in. Also depends on simple things the girl might be doing like what she wears.

Flowery summer dresses will generally result in guys looking for relationships coming after you, I'd guess.

Otherwise, chances are, guys will be looking for hookups.

MecheD · Answer

Could be a lot of things , maybe he isn’t ready due to his lack of social status it’s something truly said to make and break relationships. Your best bet is to ask him sweetheart.

Wise4myage · Answer

No, this guy is just lazy and all he cares about is getting laid. Your ideas of how a relationship should work are spot on, but don't waste time on this slug, he's just out for himself.

Hangry22 · Answer

He's not ready for a serious relationship. He has pretty much nothing to give. You maybe just a stress reliever for him. It's not your fault.

usernamesk · Answer

First you need to understand that trying to understand him will not change his mind. Don''t fall in that trap.

Anonymous · Answer

When I was younger I always wanted a serious relationship but when I acted respectful and took things slow I got friendzoned. Every fucking time. Then I started pushing more hook ups. Had a lot of them and three girls I got in long term relationships started as hook ups.

It’s a backward way to about things I admit. But I will not ever eat another friend zone. I’ve had 4 or 5 hard lessons on this. But I’ll never fall for that again. Never.

Kingofkings1992 · Answer

It really comes down to immaturity. Most guys who are 22 still have a lot of growing up to do.

Methis · Answer

It breaks down to what he wants. If he wants just sex then he will seek you out get it and move on. If he wants a relationship he will take things alittle slower.

AFellowWeeb · Answer

hard guess, but maybe he thinks u will be fed up with him if u start dating for real, so he's going the ''safe route'', and playing it cool, take this with a grain of salt

Arousalhunter · Answer

Sounds like a hookup is the east way out. If he lives with his mom he isn’t putting much effort into anything. Keep looking! You’re too hot to give it to a lazy guy.

Guardian45 · Answer

There is NOTHING wrong with you. Most guys your age are NOT thinking of or are capable of marriage. If marriage is what you want, then look at older guys.

msc545 · Answer

Quick fun sex, no child support, no alimony, no false accusations (hopefully), no nagging and bitching, costs little or nothing compared to marriage. What is not to like?

Anonymous · Answer

Fuck girls are dumb. IF YOU GIVE UP SEX EZ YOU ARE A HOOKUP end of story no guy actually respects a girl who opens their legs like its nothing

A girl who wants to be more than a hookup gets assurance she is in a long term relationship that is going somewhere before putting out

MzAsh · Answer

You’re simping to lazy man babies and wasting your time with them. That’s the only thing you’re doing wrong.

navyrobin · Answer

You give him too much.  Trust me.  You have to stop caring about him that much.

DavidFox · Answer

He’s not yet at a place in his life when he could get married or have a serious girlfriend. So because he still has hormones he will attempt to hook up and keep trying until successful.

Liam_Hayden · Answer

Most guys in our age group just want sex. Most girls in our age group are happy to oblige. Why pay for something that many are giving away for free?

Drfuntime2 · Answer

Why are you wasting your time with this bozo? I know why. He's comfortable and safe. No personal growth ever occurred in comfort. Dump the hookups and be upset and move the f*ck on.

hi_it_is_me123 · Answer

Only dirty used up male whores want hook up. Stay away from male cunts, you will have it good

Angelo75 · Answer

Cuz many times a girl will give a guy a lot of effort, but once they get married, many women tend to just give less attention etc... Guys tend to feel cheated because of that.

postempestas · Answer

I want to give a man everything, what he would look for on a mistress. I will be the mistress and his girlfriend at the same time.

genericname85 · Answer

simple: they get all they wanted in hook-ups. marriage does not give them any benefits.

Torari · Answer

Some guys just don't want commitment. Nothing is necessarily wrong on either side. Just move on to someone who wants a relationship.

AlexDeLarge · Answer

I was happily married for many years. After that turned to shit all I did was hookups because I couldn't trust anymore. I know my story is different than yours but maybe this guy just wants sex and no commitment

douride2 · Answer

Why would he want to get married when he is getting everything he wants just by hooking up?

What makes a guy want hook-ups vs. marriage?

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What makes a guy want hook-ups vs. marriage?

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