What makes a guy want hook-ups vs. marriage?

[Anonymous]

So, I try to be the best girlfriend I can be to my boyfriends at the time. I care for them emotionally and physically; trying to be an uplifting partner. There is this one guy who is 22 who works at a retail store and doesn’t make much, he’s not in school, doesn’t have his driver’s permit yet, and still lives with his mom. All he’s wanting is a hookup and not a serious relationship. Is there something about me that’s keeping him from pursuing me on a deeper level? Or could his lack of motivation be the issue? Maybe this is totally off but I’m not sure how a guy’s mind works. In a nutshell, I try to be a great partner, but he’s only wanting a hookup from me. Is this a personal issue? Or maybe he’s not pleased with the way he’s living his life? Help?

[MrOracle]

Men have always been expected to have their lives figured out and to at least be on a path to success (that's enough if you're young) before you can have a serious relationship, because a lot is expected from men in a relationship as a general rule. If a guy is good-looking, charismatic, or has some fame/celebrity, maybe he can slide a bit, but the majority of men have those expectations, and are well aware of it.

But not everyone has it figured out at his age, or maybe there are family or financial reasons that he's behind the curve. Sometimes if a guy is too busy and has very little free time, he also won't get into relationships. Girls aren't happy if they never get time with their boyfriend, and guys don't want that drama. Finally, some guys just don't want to accept any responsibility - they aren't ready to grow up yet.

All those are reasons that have nothing to do with the girl.

Sometimes it IS the girl. If the guy is ready for a relationship, but doesn't see the girl as "relationship material", then that's the girl, but more often, it's the guy that is the issue.

[NorthShoreCalling]

I agree. I also think more women feel this today too with more equal expectations that go both ways.

[zeitgeist057]

I would flip this question and ask you, what is it that makes you want marriage vs. a hookup? Are you not happy with your life? Are you insecure that if you don't "lock it down" you will be abandoned? What is the motivation for wanting "a serious relationship", and what would you gain from that?

I probably come across as attacking your views, I apologize for that. I am curious, I actually just posted a question that sort of relates to this from the guy's perspective.

I have had a lot of non-marriage relationships. I wouldn't call the majority of them "hook-ups", as they were intimate relationships with women I was attracted to for more than a night or a weekend. But they all had their time, and then came to an end. So I'm curious about long (er) term relationships and what the value or perceived value is to them.

I sometimes equate it to traveling, and ask "what is the benefit of staying in one place your whole life, when you could travel and experience the world?"

Or food, "Why pick one food to be your favorite and just eat that the rest of your life, when you could experience so many different flavors?"

I ask these questions but I have been very open to a long term relationship because I see people seeking them out and happy in them. But it remains a mystery what the big benefit is, and what's wrong with enjoying the company of those I have met along the way?

[likelyOK]

Most well adjusted women don’t want pure hook ups. Not all are looking for marriage, most are looking for some thing in between

[EyeAmNiceGirl]

The fact that his ambition level is so low that he doesn't even care to get a driver's license by age 22 ought to be a big warning sign. The real issue isn't him, it's you. The real issue isn't about him just wanting to f*ck you with no interest in a relationship; rather, the issue is that you are upset that a guy like that doesn't want a relationship with you. And from the context, it looks like you are letting him f*ck you with no strings attached. You need to seek counseling. Nothing wrong with liking penis, but you really need to up your standards regarding the guy the penis is attached to. FYI, evey guy on the planet has a penis, so pick your guy based on something else; you know, something like being of good character and having at least a little bit of ambition. I promise you that a penis attached to a great guy is far more satisfying than a penis attached to a jerk or a lazy bum. . . sounds crazy, but it's true.

[Asker]

That was kind of harsh but truth. Note: I have not given him sex. I really need to choose better men

[msc545]

Try a guy who is somewhat older.

[EyeAmNiceGirl]

@msc545 Yes, older guys can be an option. For sure they are appreciative that they are dating you and typically are very ready for a serious relationship.

[hi_it_is_me123]

Older guys? Can people stop recommending pedos to young girls. It is not normal for a fucking older men to date some who couod his daughter or little sister. Disgusting. Women's brain is developing till 25. And stop potraying young men as retards to make young women date old idiots

[likelyOK]

I agree no license is a red flag

[Dreamy2020]

He is not a stage in his life where he wants anything serious. He doesn't have a purpose in his life. He is lost, doesn't know what he wants. Everyones says because he is young and can't commit. But that is not necessarily true. There are a lot of people who got married at young age. It is more about where they are in their life. A man could be 40 years old and still not ready to commit. If he doesn't have his shit together, he is not gonna commit. And he knows this himself. It is not about you, it's about him.

[OlderAndWiser]

There are guys who just want casual sex and there are other guys who are looking for a serious partner for an LTR. Most guys don't flop back and forth between the two, depending on how you treat them.

This particular guy sounds like he is not very mature and the idea of assuming responsibility for someone else probably scares the hell out of him.

[Anonymous]

Logic and instinct. There are no real benefits to marriage, whereas there are many benefits to hook-ups.

As for instinct: Male instinct is to reproduce by having sex with as many women as possible. Something you can't do while married, but can do with hook-ups. There is also inherent excitement and enjoyment in having multiple partners. Think of it like food. Even your favorite food is something you'll get tired of if it's the only thing you ever eat.

As for logic: Marriage and dating are expensive and he doesn't have much money already. He can't adequately fill the role of provider, and may have no interest in doing so in the first place. Marriage or serious relationships also mean sacrificing a lot of your time for someone else, which is a pretty steep negative for someone who enjoys their personal time. It also means a sacrifice of personal freedom, as just about your every action and decision must also take into consideration the happiness of the other person.

Usually, when men get older and tired, then they "settle down" and are more willing to make these sacrifices. At 22, he just has too much life left in him and wants to continue to live.

[Makeushiver]

Millenia of evolution has made humans one of the few animals that reproduce year round. Because of the pleasure associated with sex, and our ability to reason, we don't choose to hook-up, its an evolutionary imperative and applies to women equally as men. Men, because we can be be insensitive, immature pigs, may want to find a woman w/whom he wants aa family much less frequently than he finds women attractive enough to want to fuck/. It seems like a no brainer since everything preferred by men does nothing to help ameliorate the problem off unwed mother's struggles to survive and often don't even bring a condom to an encounter that he thinks may end up on his dick later that day, relying on women to have one available,
That said, from a biologicasl standpoint women are more sexual then men. the clit is the only organ in human that has no other function than to provide you pleasure. It has more nerve endings than a guy's cock. Women are capable of multi[le orgasms far more than men, more $ more widely distributed erogenous zones than me, If anything, women should be seeking NSA sex and men looking for partner, Despite that, he socio-economic concerns of unwed mothers, women should be physiologically `predisposerd to random and frequent sex. But that and the double standard of continuing to ise terms like slut for sexually active and interested women while men are studs for the same behavior. I've known girls who were pretty free of socio-eonomic concerns and slut shaming and they have been incredibly sexual

[AmandaYVR]

Bravo. Well said.

[VanillaSalt]

Men have lost all reason to grow the fuck up... like seriously why man up when you can have an easy life? Women and scorn used to be mans main reasons to man up but nowadays women don’t care what men want as long as they get what they want and men being raised with masculinity is trivialized.


Gotta grow up sometime but not more than society will allow you to get away with. Why should a man get a great job, get a vehicle, get his own place when he can live off 30 hours a week and has the rest of his week to jack around?

[godfatherfan]

Some men are just too immature and have no drive or ambition. Sometimes it comes from being handed everything when they were growing up. Sometimes they are just lazy. Anyone that is 22 and showing no initiative to improve themselves or their station in life is someone you should stay away from. If he was in his late teens I could say "well he is just getting the most of the last couple years as a kid". But once you are in your twenties, mom and dad shouldn't be supporting you full time unless you are a student. You should not be content on living in the basement and walking everywhere. Sometimes life throws us curve balls and we have to do things like that. I lived at home until I was 25 with the exception of my time in the military. But I was working full time and going to school part time during all that time.

[paullingren]

Most likely (because I was in the same position for a long time) he hasn't figured out what in life drives him yet. He hasn't figured out himself of his passions to the point where he has an ambitious goal.

So what it comes down to is: is that the path he's on? Is he actively trying to figure that out? I was, and eventually did. The trend he's on matters more than where he's at now.

If you're on that path and he's not, then you may not have an aligned goal as a couple and it could be time for a serious talk about it or for you to move on and find someone at your level.

[Cupidfirstcousin]

That's very simple to answer, the sex is different when you're not married. Women tend to pull out all the stops and men tend to spend more for them to pull out all the stops when it comes to sex. Once you get married, for some couples that I've heard especially the male have complained that the sex activity has basically diminished and their partner now no longer gives them the type of sex that they was getting when they were dating. Women tend to want to get pregnant more and that diminishes the attention that the male was getting when there wasn't married and the responsibilities of marriage life tend to put stress on the relationship as well you know the normal thing bills and if one spouse is not working that's even more stress.

[AmandaYVR]

What you said is true for some. But I'll give you another scenario that is common and you men may not know about.

One of the other main reasons women stop wanting to have regular sex with their longterm partners is because the sex is boring. I'm getting this from male and female sociologists and sex therapists, and I concur. Guys also don't 'pull out all the stops' and think that the same sex, over and over, is sufficient for both. It's not. While women are more risk-adverse, they do require novelty. Men are generally more content with less, and what is revealed is that these men think their sex was good, and the women were bored and found it mundane, always the same. (Does that blow your minds? It's true.) Just as with the relationship as a whole, women are more demanding or have often higher expectations of what fulfills them. They want deep emotional connection, communication, and effort and novelty in sex too. Otherwise it's not as much of a draw. It is men who also stop making effort. Routine is the death of novelty.

[rjroy3]

Make a guy feel Accepted, Approved of, and Appreciated as a man and he'll love you.

Genuinely love men being men, while also loving sex and men will last after you more.

Combine those together and you'll likely be getting more marriage proposals than you're comfortable with.

Seems silly. But when a woman really loves sex. She's thinking about it. She wants it. And she loooves men. Guys can smell that on you. When they say a dog is in heat. Same thing for people.

A girl who has that while making guys feel appreciated, accepted and approved of for being a man is intoxicating.

[cth96190]

Why?
Look at what happens to men in the Family Court.
They lose at least half of everything, then the court will order spousal and child support that will transform the man into the woman's impoverished slave for the next 20 years.
The woman can accuse the man of anything and, under the Duluth Model, the man is assumed to be guilty. When it is shown that the woman is a liar, nothing happens to her. Women get a pass on perjury in Family Court matters.
When the legal and financial situation of men in relationships is considered, it is a wonder that men even talk to women.
Two months ago, in Canada, a man who had dated a woman (not married, or even cohabited) was ordered to pay $50,000 a month in spousal support. Expect that to spread throughout the West.
When it does, even dating will become too dangerous for most men to contemplate.

[ohshee]

I THINK you answered your own question ,, so he doesn't have much and who knows what he wants or is even saving to do anything,, ok so he likes you. ,, but he can't afford you in his mind , if he takes it further and starts dating to it's going to cost him. And he has nothing already so instead of getting another job and doing it right he is gojng to try to keep doing the hook up thing as long as he can don't blame him but he really does need a better job or another side job I know I would do what ever it takes

[DJB72]

For a lot of guys - many of whom seem to be on this site - the adage "why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free" is accurate.

If you don't want a guy to treat you like a hookup, don't behave like one.

At the end of the day men will do the least amount of work they can get away with to get what they want. Place a high value on yourself and what you have to offer - I'm actually NOT explicitly meaning sex by that - and you'll find a caliber of men that want to meet that start to gravitate to you. It's possible the guy who is currently the hookup might recognise your real value and step up. If he doesn't, then he's not worth pursuing anyway.

[Anonymous]

Your (and his) age. Most guys aren't looking to settle down yet. And, you are too young for marriage right now (should wait until you're 25 at least, and have dated for quite a while before considering marriage).

But it also depends on his views of marriage in general. Generally speaking, it's the guy that has the most to loose (and not just temporarily) if the marriage doesn't work out, and look at the divorce rate today. It's not something to be excited about doing or want to for a guy lol. It's like, "lets play risk. The chances of loosing everything for the rest of your life are extremely high, but lets do it anyway).

But it's also the way it seems to be these days. Even a lot of women aren't looking for anything serious. People just can't be bothered or want to deal with the "drama" of a relationship.

[hi_it_is_me123]

Only old men say that to make young women want old men like you. I know enough men who married in their early 20s. And on averafe women also dont marry in her early 20s. So?

[Opinion Owner]

@hi_it_is_me123 No, I'm saying it because it's true. I'm not saying there aren't any out there, but most guys (as you are finding out for yourself cause you're asking this question), aren't interested in settling down that young. Plus, both your lives are still changing and will still change. Experts suggests waiting until you're at least 25 to even consider marriage.

[hi_it_is_me123]

Oh that is what you meant, sorry. I agree with you.

[J2ohhhhh]

Wanting to hook up and wanting a relationship is the same thing. In both cases you have an end goal and the person is less relevant as a person. As girls don't wanna be a sex object guys don't wanna be a relationship object. If you are really interested in getting to know someone from closer, relationship just happens, same with sex. Guys think about relationship as girls think about sex. Most of us likes it, but don't like to be used for it. Stop looking at guys as boyfriend materials, and start to listen. And do not ask yourself how not to show that you want a relationship. It ain't fake it till you make it. You actually have to learn how to be interested in a person rather than in a relationship.

[AmandaYVR]

Interesting.

[Finchie40]

Hook ups are just using someone it’s convenience , this guy you are talking about pretty much knows he isn’t marriage material cuz he feels he doesn’t have his shit together and doesn’t have much to offer you , so by him just hooking up He feels that’s all he can offer you cuz he knows he can’t support you , a guy that wants marriage usually has. His shit together has a good secure job is independent , wants to fall in love and have a family , A hook up is just getting off on someone without any obligations

[RingOfFire]

I think the answer has two parts.

Part one is some guys NEVER want to marry someone no matter what.

Part two is, a guy has to be at the point in his life where that's what he wants. If he's not, then it's not going to happen. But in the meantime he still needs sex.

Not many 22 year old guys are ready to be married or commit to a serious relationship. For that matter not many 22 years old girls (these days) want that either.

I don't think it's so much what you do as it is whether or not the guy is ready for it.

[RingOfFire]

PS I really like the attitude you have towards your relationships. It's rare to find that these days. You put effort into being supportive and attentive. Some guy is really going to like that a lot... although it might not happen until you are older and with a more mature guy who can appreciate it.

[TheorionMage]

You have in essence, answered your own question.

YOU are making efforts to be a great 'PARTNER'... he's immature and a 'slacker', parasitically doing JUST ENOUGH for his mother not to kick his mooching ass to the curb. He's immaturely seeking a sexual fantasy 'playmate' ... NOT a 'life' mate.

He's of the belief that he can... and will 'game' you for as long as it meets your fantasies needs too. (Can't 'rape' the willing...)

Then, he'll tell you are a 'big girl' and should have known better; cause he's NOT responsible (in SO many ways) for YOUR misperception~ A-hole!

[VanillaSalt]

I think he’s gonna become the normal for us now. With marriage rates, laws, biases, and overall bullshit what they are towards men it’s gonna just come to a point where men don’t want to play the game. Mgtow... redpill... I think movements like these are signaling a degradation of men particularly in first world countries. They won’t need high paying jobs if they don’t have families to cover for.

[buckyboy]

I am an exact replica of your boyfriend except that I am still studying and I am 21.
I dont have my future decided and fixed yet. So whenever I feel the need of a girl's touch, I search for hookups and sex. I am not emotionally ready to connect with a girl for life.
Even if I get into a relationship, I might easily get distracted and might cheat on her.

But I hope this might change as I become mature and have planned a future.
There is no problem with you. But I won't blame him completely either. Its just that phase of life.
I bet that your boyfriend needs someone to get attached with emotionally ( this is true in my case). All you gotta do is to express whatever you feel about him and ask him to openup.

Be supportive of each other. I believe girls are more mature emotionally than guys of same age. So you gotta take the upper hand and advice him.

I know this answer is long. But this question has a personal touch to me. So I wanted to help.

[hahahmm]

1. He's not looking for serious. Just like many woman go through phases of not being interested in or valuing a serious relationship.
2. The more you act in non traditional ways, the harder it will be for you to find a guy willing to get into a traditional relationship with you. And even if you find a guy while acting non traditional, that guy will not be the best catch. This is just one of the laws of life that is what it is regardless of how many feminists don't like it. Ask yourself why you think this guy is marriage material (at this point in his life)? And before you answer think of all the women who had babies with the wrong guys or secretly had abortions. Think of the mile high pile of dumb things women just like you have done while thinking they were making a great choice.

[DC_Underground]

For me im old school and I want to settle down... I don't want to go from girl to girl because I find that chaotic and annoying. If people want stability and peace of mind in life, then find the right partner for you. If someone asked me, hey do you want to work for a bank one week and the next week work as a teacher and then the next week work as a garbage pick up guy why would I change my job that many times? With jobs, don't we try to stay with one job with the right benefits, pay and travel time? But it seems to me guys and girls today who act like sheep or a deer caught in the head lights just follow what the government and media tell them to do. If the media tells girls that marriage is wrong and kids are wrong and feminism bashes men and says be career focused 1000000% of the time (nothing wrong being career driven) but is that truly life? To give that much effort towards your job? Girls are just as guilty wanting hook ups now as well.

[Wedimir]

If you want to get married, why do you need casual relationships? Set yourself a clear goal and follow it without deviating. Choose your man carefully. It should be solid and responsible in every sense. For those who have worked up, who are successful, who want children, who are caring, and so on, Do not be distracted by pacifiers. "You can't "give" to everyone who wants you! Do not laugh, take care of yourself for your man, he is also looking for you! Be true to him!"