Am I insecure for being a bit upset that my boyfriend (21m) made our anniversary the same day as him and his ex’s?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend (21m) and I (20 f) met over a year ago on tinder. We weren’t very serious at first (we had both just gotten out of relationships) and actually had a bit of a rough patch in the beginning but got through it. After around 4/5 months of seeing each other we got a bit more serious and I joked around and said “what are we going to say when someone asks how long we’ve been dating?”. He tells me just say a couple of months and I replied what about our anniversary. He suggests that we make one up and I agree thinking it’s harmless. He suggests September 1st. With our anniversary around the corner I ask him why he chose that day, to which he replies “that was me and my ex’s anniversary”. I obviously get a bit upset and ask him why he would do that. And he says I knew he wasn’t over his ex when we started dating and that he wasn’t in love with me when he chose it. He also told me it’s just a day so it shouldn’t matter and that I only care because I’m insecure and that I shouldn’t be with him if I think he’s such a bad boyfriend. He also told me it’s my fault for asking “ a stupid fucking question”and accused me of trying to set him up so that I could be angry. Attacking my character and putting words in my mouth. I also want to add that I didn’t yell at him or get an attitude a simply addressed that it made me upset when he tried to change the subject. He offered the change it but the way he reacted really turned me off. It feels like he doesn’t care enough to give us our own special day. It’d be one thing if it was a coincidence or if he didn’t care about anniversaries, but he insisted we make our anniversary a big deal because it’s important to him. I think every girl wants to feel special to her partner. The situation and how he reacted makes me feel like he’s subconsciously trying to relive his relationship with his ex. Am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

I never understood this anniversary stuff for people who are just dating. That’s only something married couples should do. Anyway, if you insist on having an anniversary date, I think this guy just revealed his true feelings about his ex, then got mad because it exposed something he may have wanted hidden from you. He sounds mad at you because you dragged it out of him. Regardless it’s not your fault her reacted that way. The truth is probably going to hurt you. It sounds like he isn’t over his ex. Is this something you can move forward with? I think you need to ask yourself that. He also sounds disrespectful and condescending. Maybe it’s time to rethink this relationship?

[Opinion Owner]

I just re-read your post. So he admitted he isn’t over his ex and told you from the beginning? Hmmm I’d ask him if he’s still in contact with her and if so are they planning to reunite? He may be stressed out over this and that’s why he lashed out.

[Asker]

He actually said he wasn’t talking to her unprompted when he yelled at me. And he told me he wasn’t over his ex over a year ago when we were just messing around.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok well… this is a tough one. Think this through. Good luck.

[kyleelyn199723]

I don’t understand this. Why not make the anniversary the day you started dating? That’s literally what an anniversary is. Why celebrate something when it isn’t the day of? You are setting yourself up for him to say stuff like this because you two can’t just accept your actual anniversary. Making up an anniversary sounds juvenile

[Asker]

We don’t know when we started dating. And yes it’s juvenile but I didn’t see the harm in it at the time.

[kyleelyn199723]

That’s a little odd. Me and my boyfriends anniversary is in the back of my head everyday, so basically your boyfriend never made it official?

[Asker]

Yes he never asked me to be his girlfriend. We kinda just gradually started to refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend even when we weren’t “serious”. And because we weren’t serious when we first started to talk neither of us bothered to remember the day we first went on a date

[kyleelyn199723]

Going on a date doesn’t mean you two are tougher. Tell him to make it official and go from there. The fact that he isn’t over his ex and never made it official is a red flag to me.

[kyleelyn199723]

Together**

[Anonymous]

So basically you're telling him never to be honest with you when you jump down his throat like that.

Is it really that hard to just ask for a different date, or the actual date things started, instead of stirring up drama?

[Asker]

What do u mean jump down his throat. I didn’t get outwardly upset with him I just expressed my discomfort with the situation and he got mad at me. He should be able to tell me the truth but don’t I reserve the right to be a bit upset at it?

[Opinion Owner]

The truth should never be penalized. Women pull this all the time. He said what was on his mind, and if you get upset, you're giving him reasons to stop being truthful. You're making a mountain out of a mole hill considering you don't even know the real date

[Asker]

So him deciding to make our anniversary the same day as his ex is just fine to you? And how is he being penalized exactly because I expressed I didn’t like that? Should I just also never tell him how I feel?

[Opinion Owner]

Sounds great to me!

You need to pick your battles. Men can only tolerate this so much

[Asker]

Do You not care about your significant others feelings? Why date them then? And trust me he doesn’t need to put up with me he’s free to leave whenever he wants if he thinks anything like you.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh I care, but I don't care for petty arguments over nothing.

You don't even know the real anniversary date lol

[Asker]

So if you were making up a day to celebrate the love of you and your partner you would chose the same day you had with another person?

[kyleelyn199723]

^ I wouldn’t allow a man to claim to date me without putting in effort of wanting to be with me which can literally be a “do you want to make this official” boom there’s your anniversary date

[Asker]

@kyleelyn199723 honestly you’re right I should’ve never gone along with him just assuming we’ve been dating and told him to ask me properly but we’re a bit far gone for that don’t you think?

[kyleelyn199723]

@asker no you aren’t. Tell him “hey you never made it official, let’s start here” his idea of never making it official can make it a point for him to be not 100% committed and would be a valid reason to cheat “hey we were never official” also don’t you find it horrible that he made it official with his ex and never you?

[kyleelyn199723]

Perhaps you are downplaying your wants in the relationship because you want date him but deep down you know he doesn’t want to date you. If my boyfriend ever mentioned him and exes date, we would be done. I don’t gloss over my feelings in a relationship to protect my relationship , especially an unpromising relationships

[Anonymous]

Damn, I’m kinda on the same boat as you except that we haven’t made it official yet. I think it’s reasonable for you to be upset that he’s basically treating you like a rebound. How long after the relationship ended did you guys get together? He seems insensitive, he should take your feelings into account and not be so defensive about it. If you were to change the date to your old anniversary date with your ex, how would he feel?

[Asker]

He claims he wouldn’t care cause it’s just a day and we had started seeing each other about a month or 2 after he broke up with his ex but we didn’t start to get serious for about 6/7 months. For context him and his ex dated over the course of 7 months on and off

[Opinion Owner]

So you’ve been together for as long as he was together with his ex? Then I guess you should just change the date. If he hasn’t properly moved on from the ex then I would suggest you keep some distance and give him space, you deserve better.

[AlexisP98]

That's extremely stupid. Like it's too hard to remember a different date? No he's being lazy and inconsiderate for no good reason.