What advice would you give me?

[Anonymous]

I’m going to be raw as I can be.

A goal of mine is to be married and have a family. I’ve spent the past 10 years at least working on my career and I’m finally on the right path of where I want to be.

I thought I found the one 2 years ago but he broke my heart. And since then it’s been very hard to trust again which I’m sure is normal.

I took the last year to heal and focus on myself. It’s been really hard cause I dug in deep into my demons.

Every day I hear of a girl I knew getting married. And it seems like it’s impossible for me.

Through the past year guys have walked into my life (from the past too) but it never really worked out and I haven’t liked anyone since my ex.

I hate dating. It’s awkward to hang out with someone you don’t know with an attraction already established.

What should I do? I’m focusing on myself but I’m worried I’m focussing on myself a bit too much.

[NetSapien]

First off.. the fact that you concentrated on your life and towards your career from the age if 13, is admirable.

If 2 years ago, the dude you were with broke your heart, I'd kinda see it as a blessing, not something to be sad about. He outed himself from your life before you invested more time in a relationship with a guy that will inevitably now, break your heart.

Many would say that early 20s is a bit young to marry, I wouldn't tho, altho statistics tend to favor a rate of divorce higher amongst younger married couples. I say whatever, but it be unwise to not consider these things too.

This is pretty normal in my opinion, this is how you decide if someone's worthy of you. Although I would ask, those in the past are in the past for a reason maybe? I'd submit, if you're looking to go forward in life, looking to the past is in the wrong direction.

"I hate dating" with the help of apps. It's just so much easier, practical, natural, fun, and fluid to walk up to someone, introduce yourself, and engage like human beings. So I don't do apps.

"What should I do?" Enjoy your life at 23, keep looking for the right guy for you. Try to leave the emotions established in the past, back there. As a guy, I know you will find someone, just be wise enough to filter out the good from the bad, from your perspective.

That profile pic had me in stitches lol, I'd not seen that before.

[Andres77]

This!

[Asker]

Thank you. And lol I like that photo too.

[SteveSmith1985]

I understand. Wow do I ever understand. I mean my situation isn't exactly the same. But I can certainly relate. And, I think dating is stupid. It seems almost designed to make it hard to actually get to know someone.

As someone who hasn't figued this out himself, I'm really not in any position to give you a whole lot of advice. But I would say, that it sounds like you simply haven't met the right guy yet. That's really what it seems to come down to. You've taken some time, battled some demons, and have 'put yourself back out there' and tried to move on after your ex.

So far... you just haven't met the right guy yet. In no way does that mean that you're less likely to meet him tomorrow, or next week or next year. So I guess my only advice is to "hang in there". With that being said, I think you can definitely "focus on yourself too much". It really depends what you mean by that. But you do need to try and "be out in the world" somewhere where you might meet somebody. Otherwise, depending on what kind of work you do... it CAN be hard to meet people.

Just keep hanging in there. And don't focus so much on yourself that you're hiding from the right guy... because whoever that guy is... he's unhappy right now too... he's looking for you as well. There may be a lot of 'wrong' guys. But somewhere, there's one that's right. Make sure he can see you. 🙂

[Asker]

Best comment I've seen. Most people are pointing fingers at me here saying things like I'm desperate... It's nice to see someone who understands how I feel, so thank you. Codependency is a biological fact and there is no shame in admitting what you want in life :) Of course there's options for EVERYONE but it's about meeting the right person for you.

[Ceslovas]

Yea, true. Make sure he can see you...;)

[NathanDavis]

forget about marriage... and forget about family, they do not exists, they're idealizations

stop looking at what other people do with their own lives as well, they are not yours either

stop dating, because you hate dating... nobody should do something they hate

keep focusing on yourself but do it properly, learn to be alright by yourself, learn to love yourself and your life with just you in it, find goals in which you are complete on your own, whether that is a career, a job, an occupation... be your own self

You're just 23 years old, this should be your goal, to become your better self, just don't ever lose sight of everything else, and that is the future, keep your future in mind, but do not rush to it... ideally, (yes, back to idealizations) the person you should spend the rest of your life together with should be more of a friend, all of the great things you find in friends will be things you will want in a partner, but of course they will have to bring a lot more

so focus on that... get to know people as people, as they really are, and dedicate time to it... if you pick someone you are attracted to and then try to force dating and falling in love, this will hardly ever happen because you idealize them first, and you focus on the distant future which is marriage... just stay in the present, get to know someone first for the great they are, and then, eventually you could start to see all of the great they can be, go step by step... if you hang out with more people and get along with more people then you will be get to know yourself and how are you with people, you will be in a better position to see what you really want in a partner, and you're also give others, the change to see you as you really are... and then, they might start falling for you and you for them, luckily

one more thing... forget about your ex, because you're focusing on something he never was, and something you never had with him, and that's one big emotional distraction

[Asker]

I see what you’re saying but I grew up in a family and with happily married parents. It’s something I believe in

[NathanDavis]

yes... but you're not your parents...

and you should not rush marriage... give yourself more time, and put the effort... marriage might happen way way later

it does not come easy, not when is worth

[Asker]

Sure it doesn’t I understand. But I’m also the kind of person who believes in marriage :)

[NathanDavis]

when we believe things, we tend to idealize them... and to idealize things can lead to disappointment, and when we're disappointed it can bring inaction from our part...

so what I suggested to you is NOT to stop believing in marriage

but to be realistic about life, and marriage... to change your approach to marriage, work harder and also give yourself more time, and then you'll find worth, eventually

[Asker]

Alright :)

[Lliam]

I think dating is the only option. Meeting someone in person saves a lot of time because you can interact, hear their voice, read their body language, and quickly assess them. If there is no chemistry or if, for some other reason, the date doesn't work out, it's no biggie. It's not your fault. You move on, rinse and repeat.

It's like fishing. You'll never catch the big one if you never put your line in the water. And you'll catch a lot of mud fish before you catch a prize. It's also like being an inventor. Thomas Edison failed way more times than he succeeded. But he learned from every failure and kept trying.

I know it can be awkward, but just go into it with a positive attitude and be genuine. You are a wonderful person with a lot to offer, and sooner or later, you'll find a guy that you feel the same way about. You'll click. He'll see you for the amazing person you are and you will also think he is wonderful.

I had lots of girlfriends in my life. But once I decided that I was ready to find a life partner, I signed up for a (pre computer) dating service. There were rows and rows of ring binders, separated by gender, and each one was full of pages. Each person had a page. On one side of the page was a profile, and on the other side was a photo that had been taken by the company.
If you found someone you wanted to meet, you submitted a card and that person was given your name. They could check out your profile and photo. And if they decided to accept your invitation, the company gave each of you your phone numbers.
I went on several dates. Some dates were complete duds and sometimes we were just not compatible for one reason or another.

My point is, the first time I met my (future) wife as at a restaurant. I'll be honest, when I first saw her, although she was very attractive, she didn't match my perfect physical ideal (height, hair and eye color, and choice of clothing), but as soon as we sat down, the conversation just flowed. We totally clicked.
At some point, I felt something bumping my foot and realize that a waiter was vacuuming under our table. We looked around and realized that the place was empty. We had been there for a couple hours and the time had just flown.

So that's what can happen on dates.

[SoWhAt249]

I like your real world examples in the advice, but I just gotta point this out. Thomas Edison didn't invent shit He was just a good businessman.

[ohshee]

In order for me to give you any advice I'd have to look into your eyes but since you won't ever let us see them I'm just going to have to spit it out
Right now there's only one person in this world you have to believe in and that is you.
The past is yesterday and even if you want if you couldn't change it so let it go.
So each and every single day is a brand new day we get to choose who we want to be each and every day by the choices we make
I don't know how true this is but I see that you're in your head quite often and I know for me I need my quiet time and I need to do that. But not too much of it
If I ever had too much time on my hands I would think about life and a new start one of the best things in the world for you is to get out into the fresh air and walk breathe in through your nose what time you get pure oxygen breathing through your mouth doesn't give you any Oxygen feed your brain feed your heart your soul your mind your spot of your spirit your energy feed you clear your brain out clear your heart out I guarantee you if you get this everyday for 30 days it will change your life you would see a whole new you you would feel a brand new you the positive you would have rushing through your body you would feel like you felt before your ex-boyfriend was involved and if you don't want to do it that's the best time to do it good for 30 days do it for a week just do it try it if you want change if you want advice here it is this will change you to be the best you once you clear your mind and your heart and all the cobwebs out of your body you will start making all kinds of different choices your life will have meaning you will know what to do at any given moment this is the only advice that I would give you right now if you did this for 30 days you will thank me believe me when you're walking dream dream big dream of everything don't dream of the past dream of the future we all need our quiet time that's when we find ourselves.
I am digging you quite a bit of advice before this is the most important advice I can give you you want to feel alive again do this for yourself start with one step it's the first day of the rest of your life happy happy you are the only person inside of you you are the only person that can make you happy or sad nobody else can people on the outside can grab a hold of you and Shake you and try to piss you off and you can either get pissed off and say stop it or you can laugh about it and see what the fuck are you doing LOL happiness you're the only person that can give it to you but you have to work for it unless the last thing in the world you want to do go for a walk go out where people can see you breathing fresh air the other advice I can give you is smile

[Anonymous]

My advice would be to quit letting your outside world control your thinking and attitude. Reject whatever is going on and originate what you want.
Can you describe the person you are and the person you want to marry? Then can you tell me if you think you are the person that would naturally have a marriage with that type of guy. If you cannot answer those then, I think you shouldn't marry anyone. If you can then next, what do you want your marriage to look like and what do you want it to stand for? I'd urge you not to adapt the transitional marriage; simply because I don't think many people take them seriously or can even define them let alone buy into them. What would be your children's names? Do you want a boy or a girl. How many kids do you want?

Know what guy you want and be definite so that you will recognize him. You will naturally get him if you are naturally the girl that would naturally have him.

A method you can use, in which, to keep your head in the right place while you are in the process is:
Describe your exact husband on paper. Make sure it is very detailed. Start to get a picture in your mind of them and start getting involved with them in your mind. Talk to them. Kiss them. Do things with them. Play a love song and get into the spirit of it. If you do this, it will become infallibly real by growing into such a connection with your life that it will become real. It will become so knit with habit and emotion that your interests in it will be those which characterize belief. Then you do this with your children also. Do all of this knowing that they are very real. They are the spiritual equivalent to which you desire. Anytime something in your outside world bothers you, reject it. That means don't get emotionally involved with it then, originate what you want. What you want is your husband and children. Start to think of them. Don't think of them in the future but in the present. Fixate on your appreciation for them in your life. Don't ever doubt or worry. Let yourself be involved with what you want. Allow yourself get emotionally involved.

If you are not the person which would naturally have the things you want then, you must become that person by acting the part. Act the part until all of that person is you and you are all of that person. Your method of doing this should be in the physical world and in the mental world. Since your nervous system does not know the difference, you can develop neural connections, that way, without all the issue that come along with doing things in the physical. Use both.

Once you are that person and once you stop with all the worry and doubt; you will get what you want as sure as it will get dark tonight. Do it by deep emotional Faith and by being the person that is worthy of what you want.

[Opinion Owner]

And don't let anything or anyone get in the way. Guard your mind. Hopefully you don't learn that the hard way. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cK5iDO4cdw

[DJB72]

I was 31 before I got married and 46 before I became a father. I'm 49 now. I nearly died last year and I lost my leg in the survival process.

My degree is not really relevant to who I am. I hate my major. I hate accounting. I love running a business though. I love helping people. It's taken me 30 years since I left school to finally be starting to do what I believe I am supposed to be doing.

Here's the thing. If you're 23 like your profile says quit panicking. You'll make mistakes. You'll take wrong turns. It's not a disaster to take time making a decision. You wouldn't accept a proposal from a guy on the first date (unless you're my wife). You wouldn't propose on the first date yourself (unless you're me). I made stupid choices - I was engaged over a year before we finally got to the altar, which having lost my mind and proposed on our first date was definitely the right thing.

Life is going to throw you more curves than you can possibly imagine. Take a step back. Take a breath. The world will tell you how "important" it is to choose now. It also tells you that your options are unlimited.

They aren't.

I don't know you, but statistically it's unlikely you'll be a fighter pilot, an astronaut or the president of Portugal.

Look at what you can do and what you love doing. Find the point where they intersect and you'll find a way to make a living around it. Find someone you love for who they are AND who they COULD become, and who loves you the same way.

Breathe. Pause.

Smell the flowers. Eat the cake (not all of it). Recognise what's truly important.

[Asker]

Glad you’re still here!!!

[DJB72]

Thanks. Me too 😊

[Anonymous]

My advice is (and I don't mean this to sound harsh)... change your goal. Your goal shouldn't be to get married within a certain amount of time. It should be to find the right person. The person you can laugh with and cry with and spend the rest of your life with.

I'm a bit late to the settling down stage too, not for any particular reason other than just a couple of serious relationships that took years of my life but didn't end up working out. I have now been with my partner/best friend for 1.5 years, and I've never been happier. We're both in our mid-30s, and neither of us really want kids, so I guess that makes our timeline different than yours. But if having kids is important to you, you can freeze your eggs now so you can have a baby with the right guy later. Or you can always adopt. I guess my point is, it's better for things to take longer than you anticipated than to force the wrong thing and end up miserable and alone years from now. Keep living your life, maybe put yourself in situations to meet guys (join different groups, pursue your hobbies, online dating) but don't settle for someone just because the clock is ticking.

[Asker]

I’m totally with you on that especially after my last experience

[David_Kek]

You want advice?
Ok;
1. Buy every copy of a woman's magazine or blog you can think of, and burn them. The amount of nonsense I've heard women tell other women on this subject is partly why these woman don't know how to deal with men.

2. You're young, and the years are going by quickly. Don't waste your youth. You've got a career and got educated? That great, but men are more interested in your youth and health, which makes sense biologically in regards to having healthy kids and all that. Time for you is a resource that is running out, so you have to work fast.

3. If you want to find your Mr Right, you need to actually think about what you want in life, being what is your passion. For example if your greatest passion in life is your religion, then you'll find him at your church or on a Christian dating site. If its politics, political dating site or political conferences. If you're a workaholic then seduce one of your bosses and pinch him from his wife. If you're into a hobby like MBTI, you'll find him on an MBTI dating site or conference.
Unless you love hooking up, you won't find your guy on popular dating sites. You'll only find your Mr Right on apps like tinder if you're passionate about sleeping around.

4. Don't try to be someone you're not, but rather be the best you that you can be, and accept what's what. Ultimately you're flawed like the rest of us, so accept it and the possibility you could end up alone with 10 cats. Only when you accept failure as an option in your future do you gain enough confidence to not fear success.

[MCheetah]

I'm kind of in the same boat. At least you, as a female, have options though.
What I've been doing is trying to avoid becoming completely Blackpilled. I seriously doubt any woman on the planet would be into me (even if I like traits about myself that women do not, like honesty and being blunt), but I'm learning to be less pessimistic/negative about it. Like saying "It PROBBALY won't happen" versus "It DEFINITELY will never, ever happen." So maybe you could do that. Small steps. Although being a tall, attractive, Krysten Ritter-looking female, I don't think it's very hard for YOU to find someone out there to like you.

[Asker]

I’m trying to less pessimistic too. I’m at a point where I just try to come to terms with love just isn’t for me

[Anonymous]

Since you have already focused on your career a lot it sounds like, maybe relax from that a bit and just try to have fun and go out and explore and chill out rather than actively trying to heal yourself... sometimes the more you TRY to fix yourself, the more in your head you can get. I have never been on a date, but I can imagine they would be SUPER awkward and time wasting, so I suggest going out with your friends, as being naturally out and about and having fun, could be the best way to meet someone :) Go to cool places like bars, music venues, Ice skating, dog parks, shopping malls , the city, restaurants etc.. you never know when you could bump into ‘the one’. You will probably have more success that going out on dates

[Asker]

It’s so weird!!!

[RawIronhide]

You need to take more of a 3rd person perspective first of all, I think you're to involved in your emotions towards dating and relationships to make coherent decisions or healthy ways of dealing with these frustrations.

Lastly I'd like you to practice being in the mindset that life isn't happening to you but you are in fact an active participant with your life. You have control to meet people freely and to not wait for it to come to you.

I think if you contimplate these notions you'll feel much more at ease in time and I hope they help in some small way on your journey.

[exitseven]

It is a problem that you hate dating. You have to get out and meet people. They will not just show up at your door. You also have trust issues you have to get past. Go out on a few dates, you do not have to jump into bed with anyone. You just want to get comfortable with people. It is a very organic process with lots that can go wrong.

[Asker]

The last date I went on the guy is still trying to hit me up even though I told him I’m not interested :/ experiences like that have been too much!

[exitseven]

It happens but it is part of the process.

[Asker]

I guess so lol.

[Calgarydirty69]

if you're born with a pedis you ARE a man, if not you're loss quit trying/wanting to be a fumble why would you lower the bar that much., grow a pair man we ALL know women have the easy way out

[DaveJord]

Are you really 23 years old?

10 years working on your career... since age of 13? :-/Not sure I buy that.

2 years ago you thought you found the one, at age of 21? :-/ Who doesn't think at 21?

My advice is, at 23 years old you need to chill the hell out! If you're that much into your own head about this, then guys probably smell the desperation radiating from you. Guys don't like desperate chicks... on step away from crazy chick.

[Asker]

I am 24 now I am not sure why GAG hasn't updated it lol.

So to clarify I have always been a smart kid who's worked hard and known what I want out of my career. I've been stable in my career since I was 21.

And yes I thought I did, I was 22 at the time. We even got engaged but I am glad it didn't happen because I don't think I was ready mature-wise. I would take back the trauma though that's for sure.

I am being very vulnerable on here but I am definitely not desperate.

[DaveJord]

Sounds like you are approaching life as if there is some blue print to follow... I think your over thinking some things and getting inside your head about them. I think everyone or most people at some point between the ages of 16 to 24 falls in love with someone and are convinced they are the one. Its perfectly natural thing to do. But honestly you have no point of reference... so in time everything will work itself out... as long as you let things happen and not try to force them to happen.

[genericname85]

you are 23 and you're talking about 10 years "working on your career"? that's a bit over the top in my opinion xD being married shouldn't be the goal. women specially around your age wanna get married. so people rush into marriage, cause they see that as the sign of "success". however most people forget the step that should come before marriage. and that is "making sure you have a really fucking good partner"... i don't like dating either. dating sucks. but you have to sift through the dirt to find some tiny gold nugget. that's the idea behind dating. so focus yourself on dating. focus on improving your ability to sift out dirt. then you can find somene that's worth considering for marriage. don't put marriage first. put the person first.

[DaveToo]

That you are going through almost every gal has taken the same journey. I don't know what he did to hurt you but hurt you he did. That makes him an asshole, not worthy of the time you've spent trying to get over him.

Focusing on yourself is primary to finding yourself. Just like with Candid Camera, when you least expect it some young fella is going to be awestruck by your beauty and will find the courage to introduce himself to you. The next thing you know, you'll both be in your 90's with children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, as you sit on your front porch together, watching the sunsets over a calm body of water.

Never give up your dreams.

[belle_kai]

I don't think the pandemic has helped. I also think it will happen when you're not looking for it. Continue focusing on your wellbeing and when you're in a truly good & stable place You will attract the right guy. FYI social media is not always the best way to meet guys, too many distractions and options.

[Asker]

Totally true

[JCrockett]

If you actually care about marriage, as a woman, then you shouldn't be so concerned about your career. Take care of yourself, but find a man who can and wants to take care of you. That's your real job.

[Asker]

My career is a personal goal. It’s what I get to do to invest into myself. It’s a form of self care.

[JCrockett]

OK. Fine. But you will sacrifice your family for your whole life if you do so. You see, women have a more narrow window of opportunity than men. Your desirability to men drops quickly after the age of 30. At 35, your ability have children starts to crater. Which in turn lowers your desirability even more for any guy who is serious about starting a family.

As time passes, you will care more about marriage and family, while simultaneously those things will become harder to get. And frankly, your passion for working will slip as well.

You think career is important because our society tells people that having a high paying corporate job means you're valuable and successful. But that's not true, especially for women. Even for men, being a corporate wage slave is only a means to an end. That end is supporting a wife and family, which is the true value of life.

If you truly aspire to be a leader or entrepreneur, then you can take that path. But as a woman, you will probably come to regret it, and when you do, it will be too late to change your fate.

You cannot have it all. You should not want it all, anyhow. That is why men and women are separate and complementary. They are meant to complete each other, not mirror each other. Besides, "career" is really just a commoditized framing of "being a provider". You've been bamboozled into accepting career as a measure of your worth, rather than a means to an end.

[Asker]

Fair enough... how am I going to meet the right man before I turn 30 lol. Like how do I guarantee that? I don't think anyone chooses what age we get to settle down. My priority is that I marry someone who is loyal and respectful to me.

[jasco]

Well their are plenty of guys out their. Sad thing is their are not plenty of guys who actually want a relationship. So honestly just keep trying, keep bettering yourself and try to find happiness in your own way. I think your a good girl mentally speaking from what i see so any guy who wants a relationship would be very happy to be with you

[jasco]

I wish you luck with finding someone tho

[Asker]

Thank you

[OddBeMe]

You sound like me. I feel competitive with friends and feel like a loser at every mistake, no matter how small. I went to a therapist who helped me realize none of that mattered.

Also, reading about statistics helps. Most relationships are formed from friends of friends, work or hobbies. So use your friends and work mates to meet as many people as possible.

Currently I’m looking to grow my business and I’ve figured an equation of meeting 10-15 potentials leads to at least 1 new client. Find a mate the same way.

[cookiecrusher]

Firstly make sure you have time for your new boyfriend/husband. Might need to adjust your career for that.

Secondly don't worry too much or try too hard. Still young and have time.

Hang around the type of men you would like to date. Either start going to few churces if that is your thing. Or go to a specialized gyms, like tennis, gymnastics, climbing etc. Where to meet guys casually and could make a long connection without needing to date.

Avoid dating apps, clubs and parties. Don't let a guy rush you into anything and go for the more quiet thinker types, to weed out the players.

Make guy friends first and also ask your parents and friends what they think of them. Your love glasses might tell you something different.

Take care of yourself, keep fit, eat healthy and be a femine woman.

[DWornock]

Men date down for sex but they almost never marry down. Therefore, your problem is the same as most of today's young women. You chase after the hottest guys that will fuck you and you reject guys in your league that would marry you. Of course, those guys break your heart. They are more than happy to fuck you. However, for marriage, they know they can do better than you.

You can complain that they lie to get into your pants. However, they lie because you punish them for telling the truth by denying sex but you reward them with sex if they lie. All species react to reward and punishment and men are no different. They know if they lie and tell you, "You are the girl I want to marry," you will reward them with sex, However, if they tell the truth and say, "You are plenty good for sex but for marriage, I demand a hotter girl," you will punish them by denying sex.

[Asker]

I am a virgin and my ex proposed to me.

[DWornock]

If true, you are in a minority of not more than 10% and that is fine because following the crowd or being in the majority does not make right. Nevertheless, your standards are very high and likely unrealistic. The fact is, it is extremely easy to find guys that will marry you if they think they are doing well and it is very difficult to find a guy that will marry if you think you are doing well.

[Asker]

I seeeee