My long term boyfriend doesn't tell me anything. What gives?

[Anonymous]

He just got hired for a new job and never told me he went on an interview. He told me a few days later from sending in his resume.

He also said he heard of it "just because they were hiring" and he just now told me he heard about it because his best friends bother works there (same company but different area). Different stories each time I talk to him it seems.

Why doesn't he tell me the whole story? The heck is the big deal?

I've been with him for a very long time. We are looking at engagement rings this weekend (this was decided well before the job thing) and while I'm complaining-- I feel a little sad he didn't even call me first to share the news. He called his mom first.

Anyone think I'm in the wrong for being miffed about him never telling me the whole story? I don't even know when the interview was. I said to him "oh my gosh you never even told me," and he said they interviewed him over the phone. That doesn't make sense.

Anyone else's boyfriend like this?

[ArtistBboy]

Get the book "Men are from mars, women are from venus".. It describes the conflict of women..

As a fellow man, I can tell you that my long-term girlfriend used to question me about my day; it wasn't that I didn't want her to know, it's that I didn't care to speak about my day. I'm more of a task-oriented person (most men are) in which I just like completing a goal and moving on with my life... My (Ex) girlfriend was the type of girl that was relationship-oriented (most women are).. And she really cherished being involved in my life and hearing about what I had done that day..

I felt like it was plain downright torture to answer these questions.. I mean, do I really gotta be interviewed when I come home from work - after spending the few hours to relax working on my buddies car - and she didn't even put out? Not even a back massage! - It just felt "antagonizing" to say the least.

In the book I recommended, they go on to explain that difference in men and women in such a way that makes it easier to communicate effectively.. Rather than asking: "What did you do".. you could make it a more interesting tone - .. you'd have to get the book because (to be honest) I've only read a few chapters.. But everyone that's heard it, recommends it.. It'll be my next project ;) Really.

Take care, I hope it helps.

~ ArtistBBoy

[Asker]

I am totally open to reading a book on this, I'll definitely check it out. I have never understood this of him especially as he gives me an answer, I just never understand why it can't be the "real" one.

Also he tells his mom everything, gives her the real answers and more. I don't know if it's different being a son and mother from a boyfriend and girlfriend but I really hope I'm not doomed to never him communicate with me the way I wish he would. I'll try approaching him differently definitely

[ArtistBboy]

You have a very willing personality, with that and a different approach, I don't see anything you can't do. The place I would start is by realizing that I pointed out my personal feelings as "interrogation".. If you were to find a way to approach him in negating that factor completely, it might make him more succeptible to talking.. Because that's your problem, is he's basically feeling like he's a suspect for a murder. Pay attention to things that make him respond "energetically" .. :)

[HopelessAndLost21]

Oh how I hate that book (no offense). Might I recommend, "How do I get through to you?" Comes from a cambridge professor who's studied men and women relations for the past 20 years.

[Zenman12]

I guessed that "How do I get through to you?" is a Feminist book just on the title alone...I was right.

The evil Patriarchy is at it again! Blah blah blah.

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" really gives obvious but true insights.

[aethyrwolf]

@Zenman12 read both and I honestly think its stupid people have to look at a book to make a relationship work.
Neither gender is really that much different, the rubber band effect/ man needing his cave shit is also wrong.
I dont care how many men say they dont share or aren't emotional or shite like that.
bring the right topic up and any male will chatter bitch and gripe just as much as any female.
Same for shopping or any supposed female only problem.

[aethyrwolf]

Is there really anything wrong with asking how a day is?
My fiance seems to think so but I only ask because I would love to know why he is in such a sour mood.
I'm just saying if a guy comes home in a good or really bad mood, his partner has to put up with it.
Why shouldn't a woman have a right to ask why her guy is short fused.
to avoid doing whatever upset him in the first place.

[Littletad]

Honesty is always the best policy.

Some people, just don't understand this.

[HopelessAndLost21]

The details are too vague to really pin down what your boyfriend's motives my be. As a shot in the dark, I would guess he doesn't want to tell you when you ask so he says the first thing that pops into his mind. When you drill him, he fibs to justify his answer.

Dialog:

"You had a job interview?"

"Yeah"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Just happened."

"When? I didn't see you leave."

"It was over the phone."

etc, etc, etc.

Finally, when he does want to tell you, he tells you the truth instead of a bunch of excuses that he's only half paying attention to. The only way you're going to get him to stop is to sit down and discuss it with him - tell him that you don't like it and that it makes you feel bad. If you're serious about getting engaged, you should see a relationship councilor about it before going into a commitment with the bad energy brought on by the lies.

[Asker]

When I tell him about my feelings he gets mad and says he "just won't tell me anything at all then."

[ArtistBboy]

I can see where they come off as lies, but I assure you they are not. If they were lies, he wouldn't feel bad about lieing to cover up his lies.. And a good lier would have a great aliby.. By what you wrote above and by how I presume the conversation is going with her/him (similar to above); I can only assume that he's irritated, not that he's lieing. And I also agree about the counseling portion :) Great suggestions.

[Anonymous]

I am going through the same thing as you. My boyfriend just texted me and said he was in an interview which I had no idea of. When i told him that he didn't tell me, he got so mad and said I always make a small issue into a big one. Sigh, this makes me feel disconnected with him. It's as if I don't know what's going on in his life. We live together and yet I feel like we're just literally living together. What he's planned for the week or the day is none of my business and I cannot ask him about it.

[Asker]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this too. This is an old post of mine and I've forgotten about it! I actually married him. I never knew anything, still. Always on the outside. We are divorced now and I'm with someone that includes me in every aspect of his life. I always thought it was me doing something wrong. Or maybe I need to try this or that. Try this one more thing. Wait longer. I can tell you with confidence that these guys don't change. Even my fiancé now won't change-- He tells me everything, even if I don't like it! Like if I disagree on something, he won't just turn around and hide it. It doesn't stop him from including me. i was always told this is how it should be. We should be included and told and communicated to. ITS TRUE. I promise you!

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you for the advise. I'll try to wait longer.

[Asker]

You need to do what feels right but I learned that people don't change : ( I just re-read what I wrote, and i meant that I felt if I kept trying or waiting longer that it would change, but that was then and I realize now it was for nothing and I had wasted so much time.

[sherrybaby]

I never tell my boyfriends or friends when I have an interview or am auditioning for something because I have this fear I won't get it and then I'll have to deal with people telling me it's OK and 'better luck next time'. I'm a very motivated person and I don't like when others feel bad for me, when I let myself down it only makes it worse for me to have people around me who know about it.

But I'm very emotionally weird and complicated haha, but maybe that's where he's coming from too

[Little-Hippie]

Yeah, QA I think your boyfriend has the same thought process as this girl.

[someoneyouknob]

Im going through the same thing. I don't know what is up with him. It's like he'd wanna know my every move or how my day went but he never tells me things he's upto. I don't nag and ask him to recap his day but I'm guessing something like his future plans is something he could talk to me about? He's planning to migrate and is super secretive about it. I know for a fact that he isn't trying to run away or anything but he just doesn't want to get me involved. I'm torn between if he wants to figure it all out and then tell me thinking I would get stressed out or if he just doesn't want me to know. I don't know if I'm egotistical to think that he's doing that to hurt me in someway but I don't know why I can't think of anything but. I don't want to pry and ask him either because I tell him every little thing that happens in my life and for sure something as big as this.
I'm so confused as to why he does things like these. Another "private" thing he does is that he doesn't share his family photos with me? I mean I truly don't care, but he sends me pictures in disappear mode like I'd do something with them... I don't know what to make of this..