I'm too scared to give birth. How do I get past this?

[Bella9191]

i love kids. And I do sort of want children.
absolutely terrified of pregnancy and giving birth.
considering I am 29 Nearly 30 I don’t think this is a feeling I will move past.
I know everyone says “everyone is scared” I think my feeling is more extreme.
I am thinking of giving up my desire to have children because I am too scared. I feel faint just at the thought.
how do I move past feeling faint and queasy at the mere thought.

Updates

+1 y

To update.
Please no more adoption suggestions. I am aware adoption exists. That another topic.
It’s not about the pain, it’s the mental thought of everything that prevents me from wanting to do it.
Imagine having a fear of heights and someone says to you just put on a blindfold on. The person with the fear of heights still would not be able to go up to the top because the fear is mental not physical. So physical suggestions like oh get an epidural is like saying oh just wear a blindfold.

[bubbayuri]

Don't be afraid. Movies, tv and youtube birth videos scared me too but birth is not as painful as people say it is. You are either knocked out and have epidural surgery or are awake and heavily drugged as I was. You won't feel anything if you get epidural until baby is literally halfway out. It does not feel like period cramp it feel like a watermelon teleported halfway in your privates and is slowly coming out. You may tear but you don't feel that and it's barely anything and is stitched and heals perfectly in 6 months.

After birth the baby is cleaned, measured, cord is cut and they then are wrapped and given to you to feed. After you push them out you'll feel a happy relieve that you've never felt before. It's quiet and panick hits you about baby but then you find yourself crying with joy as their first cry breaks out.

Now it's time to deliver the placenta. Your so numb and overcome with joy that you don't even feel it plus doctors gave you more strong medicine so they can stitch you and take out pee tubes on bladder

and they then feed on your boob sending a maternal sensation throughout your body.
You are given form later and for weeks you recover in hospital. Nurses help you walk to restroom and shower. they also care for baby and midwife or lactation nurse helps you learn to breastfeed propertly and helps you with parenting baby. You can also get breaks anytime (they take them to nursery newborn room and rock them, play, feed, etc)

Usually one week but longer depending on you then 6 months you are advised to go easy and breast feed to lose weight which you will or not depending on genes, I ost all mine and am skinny again and never worked out.

Before you leave hospital. You are assigned a baby doctor who ur child will see for the next years and he checks baby's health and decides if you need to stay longer. Also you are checked to see if you have car seat (can't take baby without one), Then you are given a signed card by nurses who helped and a welcome mom gift bag.

For 6 months you will bleed from inside (not cycle or symptoms yippe) It's like cycle but there are no symptoms. Your body is expelling the waste. Adult diapers or adult diaper underwear are highly reccomended. Nurses say use pads but those go too quickly.

You will have a check up after 3 months for depression and assigned medicine if you have any mental, physical problems. Don't be afraid to say anything that's wrong. Even little things are taken serious as birth gives lot's of health coverage (medicaid= free dental, eyecare, etc)

Next you either before or after birth will need to apply for benefits. Wic, Snap, Cash aid or any childcare programs such as daycare will make it easier to raise your child. Doctor appointments after two months for you baby and other appointments will be made by baby doctor (you can't miss these) Now your life begins.

Your child may stress you out and you will sleep when they sleep, co-sleep or not and so on methods that work for you as a parent. Never be scared to give birth. We're women and tough as nails. We were made to be able to push out small watermelons and live. We can do things guys couldn't even imagine

[Bella9191]

I don’t know even reading all that made me feel uncomfortable. It’s not about there being pain or not. It’s about knowing what is going on that makes me feel awful. The thought of an epidural or barely feeling the pain is not the issue. The pain is not the issue, I am discomforted by the thought of everything. It’s all too much for my mind.

[bubbayuri]

Does the thought of the baby coming out bother you? Anesthesia + surgery (c-section) is always an option then you don't even see anything and wake up hours later and get asked if you want to hold your baby. Only thing is you'll be numb on entire bottom half for a few hours.

[Bella9191]

The thought of c section is worse too be honest, the imagery there is a lot worse.

[angelgirl7]

I know exactly how you feel. Everything about pregnancy and giving birth is absolutely terrifying to me, but I can't imagine not having children someday.
If you want kids but don't want to give birth, there's always adoption or surrogacy. Otherwise I would suggest maybe talking to a doctor/therapist about your fears.

I'm not sure what the answer is, just know that you're not alone.

[Bella9191]

Yes I have tried in past, but felt faint just when the topic came up. Like I literally started sweating a bit and feeling like I needed water and was going to pass out. So had to tell them to stop talking on the topic. I might try again.
The weird thing is I actually am really brave in every other aspect of my life. Just this area really freaks me out.

[angelgirl7]

It's okay to be freaked out. Everybody has fears, doesn't mean you're not brave.
If you do decided you want to try again, maybe you can write something out, if that would be easier. Then you get everything you want to say out without having to verbalize it.
Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best!

[razelove]

Well, tricking yourself is a valid option, just have unprotected sex and convince yourself that the birth control you aren't taking will work like it always has. Being scared of pregnancy is valid, I'm happy to have kids, and want to have more with my wife, but, uhh, that enthusiasm would be very diminished if I didn't have a penis.

Pregnancy and child birth look brutal, there's no we're pregnant, oh no, I got lucky she wants me so much and is willing to embrace the suck, she's the pregnant one.

I mean, like any fear the coping mechanism doesn't matter nearly as much as desire. If it isn't something you're dead-set on having, then the fear will win every time, and why not? Just because you have a limited time to have children doesn't mean you have to. You might also get pumped to find out you're infertile, or close enough to it that you spend an enormous amount of money, time, energy and pain to have multiple miscarriages right up to the danger zone pregnancies most likely to produce downs, cri du chat and what not.

So, I mean first I'd see a fertility doc and see how viable the idea is before getting yourself too up or down about it, though for women it's more destruction testing than for men.

When we had to go because like a year went by and my wife wasn't pregnant yet I just had to jerk into a cup, she had months of visits, most of which were her just answering questions, and a lot of scheduled sex before they could even give suggestions of what could be awry.

Anywho, that's my bit, good luck with however things shake out, do you have a man that would be the father? You're being ambiguous about whether it's something you want or not. Wondering if that's pressure you're putting on yourself, or it's coming from the outside.

[Bella9191]

I have no idea if I want to or not, definitely my age making me feel I need to make a decision soon.
The thing is I have been to a fertility specialist, but I had to leave and I didn’t go back because I felt faint and light headed just as they were asking me basic questions. I legit had to tell them to stop talking about pregnancy because I felt like I was going to faint.

[razelove]

Well, "soon" is a relative thing, typically things fly by in the blink of an eye when you put them on the backburner. I will say that raising kids, you know, as opposed to being pregnant and having them, is both the greatest pleasure of my life, and an unholy nightmare clive barker couldn't imagine depending on the mood my kids are in.

If you're on the fence, list out pros and cons, not for the quantitative value of either, but to see if you fixate on any particular points. Like, you know, I'm going to guess there isn't a stable guy in the picture because that would be a big source of external pressure one way or the other. How great would the experience of being a single mother starting at, let's say you get pregnant today, 30, taking care of a newborn, working, and at every single stage of development say walking, talking, reading, writing, means more restrictions on the lifestyle that you're used to as you are the person who is responsible for that child's life until they become an adult. Every step towards adulthood is another step you have to take in childproofing your home and personal lifestyle.

[razelove]

Also, flip side, you have one baby and find, holy hell, I love having babies, so now you're racing the clock to have as many as you can to race your clock. I don't know why you want kids, or why the thought makes you anxious, it could swing either way, or both. So, now you're on the fast track, you're super-fertile, a kid comes out, you're pregnant again, and... your identity now ceases to exist. You live to have and raise your children with the support of your partner. I'm not saying that's a good or bad thing, just a possibility. When my wife and I had our first I was supporting our family, she was working, but more to make use of her degree than have any meaningful income. Fast forward two kids and I'm a stay at home dad because of corona, she's the breadwinner, and we want to have more kids. I mean, that dynamic works for us, but what will work for you?

You have a kid and that's all fine and dandy, but they are selfish creatures who don't care about your needs or desires and take a long time to grow up. If it was truly an issue of worrying about "the clock" you would have popped out some kids in your 20s, they'd be old enough to be rebelling by now, and this would be a non-issue. You put it on the back-burner though, so really, how important is this to you? I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but it is a very serious decision that affects them, and you.

On the plus side, if going to a fertility clinic got you that worked up, if you do get pregnant, you're unlikely to change your mind as that would cause you to pass out before you could make any decisions otherwise lol

... and sorry for my long ass answers

[Bella9191]

Yea I have no idea, I just dont want to have regrets. Believe it or not when I mention adoption you know the first thing someone says and it’s weird but I get this a lot. Omg why would you do that you are so pretty your child would be pretty too why you want to adopt most likely an ugly child. Like I keep being told this and it does fuck with my mind. And it’s weird that is the first thing people say.
But I don’t really want to adopt that much. I do want a child but I just am so scared to have it myself. I think I do want them because if I was a guy and didn’t have to give birth I would 100 percent want children so to me that indicates I do want them.
Yea I am a bit worried about them being overwhelming tbh. Like I had dogs growing up but was never the one to be responsible for them. I visited my friends new puppies who are Italian greyhounds which are really hyper and demanding of attention 24 7. They are so cute and I love them but after like one hOur I’m like okay get them away from me they are too much now hahah. I do worry children will overwhelm me. Mainly coz I had a very overwhelming upbringing and a mother who acted like a selfish child so I am well aware of what you mean by that kind of demand. and I was watching my friends two bOys in a shopping centre for like 10 mins only when she went to get something. She said okay meet me at target soon. I said sure. I was like to the boys okay time to go to target they giggled and said nooo. I was like what do you mean... we have to go, they just looked at me and continued to play. And I had to lie and bribe them I would buy them a toy at target just so they would move, and I thought how the f are you meant to get them to do anything without yelling. Coz I cbf ruining my mood with yelling. I prefer to keep a normal tone lol, and I realised my god kids are going to be so stressful.

[RolandCuthbert]

I am in no position to counsel you. But I am a member of a facebook group where many young women are talking about this fear. I had no idea it was anything widespread. But I want to tell you, you are not alone.

Good luck in finding help and counsel.

Take care.

[Rob17792]

here's the truth that no one will share with you about childbirth. When you're trying to push an 8lb head and body out of your uterus and vagina the baby's head and body will push hard down on your rectum and anus and kidneys and bladder that you'll shit yourself yes you do shit yourself when you're giving birth due to the immense pressure being put on your body. Then you have to make sure you're dilated enough to have the head push out of your vagina along with the blood from the embreodic sack. Then once the head is out the body will follow which is a little easier since getting the head out is much harder. Then cutting the umbillical cord hurts especially since the dilodol would had worn off by that point (oh and side note the dilodol gets injected into the spine through a huge surgical needle) and the rest of the numbing medicine gets put through the iv. and since that's worn off you'll feel it when the doctor cuts the umbillical cord off with his scalpel. Then the nurse takes the baby to clean the embreodic blood off it's head and body then wraps it in towels gives it to you for a few minutes before taking it away to weigh it and do a visual and audio check on the baby and to make sure it's vitals are fine. Then when breastfeeding for the first time the baby will clamp down hard on your nipples providing it can find them (you might have to escort it's head and mouth to your nipples) and once it clamps down it clamps it's mouth down hard and sucks hard pulling on the nipple hard. Then there's the 2am feedings or 3am feedings and changing it's diapers at 1am or 2am or 3am or 4am with the lack of sleep you'll be getting then if it develops ear infections which they do a lot you'll need to know how to take care of that

[Rob17792]

then once it starts teething it'll start running fevers which you'll have to know how to handle by using cool teething rings in the freezer and using baby tylenol then you'll have to ween it off your breast and onto a bottle and you'll have to know how to mix baby formula then you'll have to experiment with different types of baby foods to see which one it likes and make sure you have enough bibs because they'll get food everywhere. then you'll have to bath it washing it and making sure you check the temperature of the bath water with your wrist to make sure it's not to hot or cold in fact you'll have to use a kitchen sink for the first few months when doing it since they won't be big enough for a bath tub. then you'll have to know what size diapers to buy (here's a hint as long as the size is ok the brand name is all the same huggies pampers etc it's all the same) and you'll be using a lot of those when it pisses and shits.

[Rob17792]

then you'll have to shop for it's clothes and teach it to crawl walk and talk and eventually read and write and count which they must know before the age of 4 and before they get into preschool or nursery school or kindergarden (which by the way you'll have to look up their school districts depending on what city zone you're in)

[Rob17792]

and they need to be potty trained before they start any type of school whether it be nursery school preschool or kindergarten they need to be potty trained before anything else

[Rob17792]

then with school good luck dealing with some dumbass teacher or kids who bite your kid because that shit happens a lot in preschool or nursey school or kindergarten kids biting other kids

[Nazgol]

Well that sounds very encouraging..! Lol

[Rob17792]

@Nazgol that's how it is

[iseekpinetrees]

I am 29 and I just had my baby in June. Pregnancy part wasn't so bad. I was scared of the day to give birth as well. Whenever someone asked are you excited to give birth I basically was like no. Because who gets excited knowing they'll be in a pain they have never experienced before.

Then the day came I was scared but knew it had to happen. I was given meds to push the birth on faster. That fucking hurt. Because I went from on pain scale 2 to 14 real quick because she kicked up the meds fast. But then I got an epidural and all that went away. There was no pain at all only small discomforts and God it was amazing. I ended tearing a little bit which is normal for first time births. 70% of women tear. I got a few stitches and ended up not feeling them because of the epidural so that was a plus. Otherwise it's not so scary. Things can go wrong yes but ultimately you have a bundle of joy and forget about the discomforts of birth and pregnancy a. d want to do do all over again.

[iseekpinetrees]

Make a list of what your most afraid of about the whole pregnancy

[Bella9191]

I don’t know I just feel faint and uneasy at the thought of anything related to it. I’m not sure how to stop that head rush feeling.

[iseekpinetrees]

Maybe try the fake pregnancy stuff

[iseekpinetrees]

Like a belly and all that.

[what3ver]

I have a feeling you've probably already done this, but talk to friends and family who have given birth to hear how it's horrible but worthwhile. Talk to midwives who can provide you with resources to help you prepare yourself mentally and physically. Maybe even seek counseling if you feel like this is a phobia.

Also, it sounds like you could be very well suited for foster care! Share your home and love with kids in hard situations who feel left behind or forgotten. Consider adoption too! I think everyone should consider adoption even if they're having biological children too.

[Bella9191]

I can’t talk about the topic without feeling light headed or faint. That’s how bad it is.

[jennifer_bloom]

The way I see it is that out of all the mothers I know, less than 4% regret the pregnancy and many have more than one kid, so no matter how painful it is, it is a type of pain you can handle. I did a search online one time, one mother said she was so sensitive to pain that she avoided getting her flu shot every year but she went through with her pregnancy and was now working on baby number 2/3 (can’t remember). It does hurt but it’s a pain you can handle because nature prepared you for it and afterwards you will consider it all worthwhile in the end.

[Anonymous]

you could try adoption, I was adopted and my relationship with my mom is great (besides when she’s in a mood) she treats me and my sister who is biologically hers the same and my parents really care about me and see me as their own. I was adopted when I was born since they knew my biological mom and she couldn’t take care of me. I think adoption would be best for you

[Bella9191]

Yea I am considering it, but I can adopt a bit later in life like in my 40s. I was more wanting to decide if I am going to have a biological child since I’m about to enter my 30s. Quite frankly I don’t desire giving birth in my 40s. So it’s a more pressing issue,

[Meldrum]

Carrying a child for 9 months can be a daunting ordeal. So many things change to your body and your psyche. Giving birth can be an ordeal as well. My oldest was in labor for 48 straight hours before she finally gave birth vaginally. My wife had to go to Cesarian because she was a latent diabetic. If you have that then any children after that will most likely have to go that way too.

Now if you can't stand the thought of giving birth yourself, there is always adoption. Enough children are born out of wedlock or to drastically poor mothers that they have to give the child up for adoption. It's an alternative that many parents with medical issues choose.

[Agape93]

Surrogacy or adoption, honestly. My girl is tokophobic as well, so it can be pretty terrifying for her at the prospect of such things happening to her.

[EmmaMary]

@Agape93 For the love of God why didn't I think or consider tokophobia. smh

[Agape93]

It’s ok lol it’s not exactly a well known legit phobia.

[EmmaMary]

@Agape93 I have actually heard of it somewhere or other, probably during the course of one of our studies or cases... Brain and memory just not thinking clear and straight at the moment.

[Agape93]

That’s ok. I didn’t hear of it until my girl told me about it

[Bella9191]

Yes it is like telling someone with a fear of heights to go in a hot air balloon.
I want to have a child. Just something is making me feel I can’t. It’s not about the pain it’s just a fear that paralyses me and I just can’t.

[Agape93]

Maybe you can try some DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)?

[TheorionMage]

Consider adoption.
Long there has been the debate of 'Nature vs. Nurture'

The counterpoint to the eventual "YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER..."
is "You're right, most folks take what Nature gives them BUT... YOU were 'chosen'
HAND-picked to be loved!"

You sound like you have love to give and you're NOT getting ANY younger! Tick Tock~

[Bella9191]

Yes I might adopt eventually no rush for that,
More concerned If I want to have a biological child or not. Like I do in a way but can’t move past the fear.

[DavidFox]

The greatest fear is of the unknown. If this is such a huge fear, why not devote some time doing online research or reaching out to your local hospital to get more information on pregnancy. I’m certainly no expert but if my wife had this level of anxiety I would suggest a couples project to learn more. So maybe your SO can join in.

[Bella9191]

This is the problem. I was in a consult with a doctor and he was talking about pregnancy, just random things. Nothing particularly intrusive. And I started feeling like I was going to pass out. Like started to feel light headed. I had to nicely tell him to shut up and change the topic. So just even talking about it makes me feel faint.

[DavidFox]

Is pregnancy and giving birth the only subject matter that causes such a reaction

[Bella9191]

Giving birth part mainly
A little bit the pregnancy part.

[Bella9191]

Yes it’s the only subject that gives me such a reaction. Sometimes the thought of other intrusive things happening down there too is not a pleasant thought either.

[DavidFox]

As @EmmaMary said (she’s much more qualified to give advice here) that must be your makeup. Because it’s such a specific fear maybe you can sit and think what in your past is responsible for that anxiety? Did you know someone hurt in that area? Anything happen down there earlier in life? Sorry I can’t be more helpful but glad to hear that the anxiety isn’t more prevalent.

[psychoticanimaIIover]

You don’t get past it. There’s nothing not terrifying about experiencing hours of intense pain, then literally ripping your body open (or having a medical professional forcefully rip your body open, sometimes against your will) and then most likely being incontinent for the rest of your life.

Why women choose to actually do this is beyond me. The funniest ones are those who decide not to use pain meds during the birth because they want to do it “naturally”. Lol. . . Omg, women are dumb.

[Bella9191]

Yea I feel I know too much of the truth of what really happens in a lot of parts of the world. A lot of people are quiet naive from their bubble of pregnancy.
My Brazil friend told me that a lot of the hospitals in Brazil force women to get c sections even when not medically necessary because they don’t have the hospital space to wait for the natural delivery time to occur.

[psychoticanimaIIover]

I was actually referring to episiotomies (where they cut open the woman’s anus in order to speed up childbirth). If they feel that not doing this will make the birth more risky, they literally do it to you whether you want it or not.

[psychoticanimaIIover]

Only suggestion I have if you really feel the need to have a biological child of your own is to schedule a c-section immediately and be extremely forceful about it.

[EyebrowChewie]

You should to talk to a family doctor or even your own mother to find some relief, it's totally understandeable how you feel. As a partner i'd just support you as much as i can and i'd even sacrifice things for you knowing you'll be experiencing birth.

[Bella9191]

My mother is the last person I want to talk to in life in general. Plus on the topic of childbirth considering she thinks it’s a traumatic experience and regularly told me to get an abortion if I get pregnant I don’t think that’s good advice lol. Not everyone has nice mothers,

[EyebrowChewie]

the cow. well with some pretty amazing medicine, you can do a lot of things better. Painkillers are one thing and you can even have a birth inside a warm numbing hot-tub or bath. But still if you dont want that, caesarian. Or there's adoption, and even you can marry a single father.

[Bella9191]

I’m more just scared of the process than the actual birth

[Alyssa11]

I am terrified too. I had a dream once that I was pregnant and the thought of giving birth scared the crap out of me, I woke up so relieved (even though I love kids and can't wait to have my own).

I think it's best to just not think about it until you actually end up pregnant. Then you'd just have to go with it.

[Sarahr123]

I am also extremely scared but don’t worry I know so many women who are scared to get an injection who have given birth. If you can get pregnant you can give birth. Your body is capable of this! When the time comes then you’ll be fine. It gave me comfort knowing people who are as queasy as being afraid of a flu jab have given birth vaginally just fine so I guess I’ll be fine and you will be too.

[SaraSmithishere]

Yeah, you sound smarter than the average woman. A lot of people jump into the decision to have kids and don’t even realize that death is a possibility! It’s funny when men talk about how they want so many kids, like three, when they won’t even have to carry them.
Remember, you can always get a C section. I’m planning on having one. I might even schedule it and induce labor a little early.

[Bella9191]

For me it’s quite mental the fear, so the thought of c section is actually worse. The thought of being awake and cut open on a table doesn’t exactly help. It actually makes my imagination on the topic worse lol!

[sheikalana]

Our bodies were made to give birth. You'll be fine. Don't know if you ever heard of hypnobirthing but you can check it on youtube and practice it's some kind of meditation to help stay calm during birth combined with lots of breathing exercises that can be very helpful during labor.

[emiko_chichi]

As a woman who actually watched their little brother being born. Giving birth is scary with uncertainty. But don't take my word for it, because I have not actually have given birth. I would honestly talk your worries out with someone who actually have been through that route. So in some way they can give some personal insight.

[ElvenMr]

I feel you. My first thought was to try adopting, or surrogacy, if you really can't calm yourself of this fear of birth.
For whatever reason i also have something similar to your fear.. obviously as a guy, it's not the birth part, but everything else that might happen. So i too was thinking about adopting as an option.. if i find the right woman, that might change i dunno.

[Bella9191]

I totally get you. When I am single I am always like oh I’ll just adopt. Whenever I feel love it deep connection with someone suddenly I have an urge to have a biological child but then I think f I can’t actually do this..

[nomidnight4298]

Childbirth can definitely be scary especially when certain interest groups promote scare tactics to discourage childbirth in the west.

Honestly what would scare me more if I were a woman your age is the thought of being alone. You're reaching the end of your beauty of youth and fertility window.

[romeo_and_cats]

Dont worry I'm 29 too, just give me the love and I will give you the child!

[CapitalismFailed]

Childbirth isn't a big deal nowadays, hardly any woman dies in childbirth now. If there looks to be a problem they will take the baby out by Caesarian Section less painful but it takes longer to recover). But still it's up to you, you can adopt (risky) have a surrogate or get a dog instead.