So my friend is 35 and saying she doesn't know what she wants to be. She's been taking on jobs that aren't long term, have no health care benefits, no room for advancement, nor any perks. She hangs around really young immature girls who aren't going places (as in no plans beyond today). Seems like she's having a crisis maybe. Then she complains about not getting a good guy but she gives every man in our apartment complex her number. These men never want anything serious, use her or already have someone then she gets mad. i feel like I'm always talking to her about my goals or career plans for the future but she never has anything going. Should I address it or let her be? She just seems lost and at her age most people have steady income and a career going.
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I'm just going off what she says to me which is ," I need to get my life together, find a job and but I don't know what I want to be or do." So that's her saying because honestly I never knew all this was going on I thought her life was "together ".
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Her health? She wouldn't know because the job doesn't provide health insurance. Not to be gross but she hasn't started her period in 4 months now and she suffers from polycystic ovarian syndrome, then her jaw was so swollen one day frona reaction yet she had no health insurance, she had blood in the toilet she called me I told her I think she has hemorrhoids and needs to see the doctor to confirm but no health insurance. It's stuff like that
How would you deal with a friend who at 35 doesn't have their life together?
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
I have quite a few friends who, depending on how you look at things, don't have their lives together at 35, even at 40. In my opinion, I know people in their late 50's who have very little "together." They have decent jobs, but that's about it. There's so much self sabotage and drama that they seem to crave and seek out that I would have never wanted to do to myself even in my teen years. This seems to be the situation you describe. By all means, you can distance yourself from this. You don't have to burn those bridges, but no, you don't have to hang out with people who are bad for you.
I have a few friends I want to be close with, but can't be in their lives because it'd be a bad direction for me to go (even if I don't get into that kind of life myself). People with amazing talent that I want to help and could, but it would destroy my reputation to help them, (I have great jobs for them, but would never recommend them because while they have the talent and ability, I wouldn't be able to trust they wouldn't sabotage things by getting drunk and showing up hours late or show up still high) so I just can't be in their lives. I wish they realized and thought better of themselves and could see what I see that potential in them. But until then, it's best just to wish them well, and keep your distance.
However, there ARE those who seem to do badly in spite of themselves. I personally feel stuck, myself. Just a lot of stuff keeps happening to derail my plans and progress, and not because of irresponsibility - that's not me at all. I'm responsible, hard working, loyal, I show up early, etc. I keep many jobs for years. I just have a lot of stuff that happens. I get work - and COVID derails everything for the company. That sort of thing.
Those people are the kinds of people where it's ok to be in their lives, if you want, even if they're not successful, because they're still "healthy" at their core. They won't bring you down. Those are the people you can be there for without it compromising who you are or what you want out of life.
There are plenty of people like her, who kind of live in fantasy land, where they think they don't have to grow up, and they have all the time in the world to figure out their lives. Meanwhile, she's already passed her fertility years (if she got pregnant today, she'd be considered as having a high-risk pregnancy) and her relationship prospects are greatly reduced. She also almost certainly has no retirement, no medical benefits, and the older she gets, the harder it's going to be to do the kinds of no-skill jobs that make even decent money. That's the problem when you only live for today, and have no long-term plan you are working towards.
But you can't force people to grow up and you can't force them to make decisions they refuse to make. All you can do is council them. If you do that with her, you're being a true friend to her, but, again, you can't force change, and you can't force her to listen to you. She may prefer to dump you as a friend rather than have to face the consequences of her decisions - some people are that way - so you have to be prepared for that. Hopefully, she listens to you instead, and gets her life together, but there's only so much you can do.
Do your best, but know that, ultimately, it's her decision, and her responsibility.
I would guess she has someone in her life actively sabotaging her - a parent/foster parents, sibling (s) or alike - people who have set difficult expectations on her she just doesn't want to accept dealing with (perhaps that any money she earn needs to be given to them, or that they simply 'come first' when any fortune gets served - so she judges she won't receive any anyhow, and does't even want to bother. My foster parents and their other adopted child behave that way - they lay claims to everything I have/do - and I keep having to push them out of my life (they are all self-serving leeches). Ask her about those, and get her to stay isolated/cut off from such people - if you can help her accomplish that, she might find a way out (a close friend I had, once I left the country, in fact teamed up with my... bullies so when I go back there nowadays, I simply avoid them all - it works as long as no one gets them involved/consults them on what I might be feeling/going through (if/when they do - it goes horribly wrong every time since they invent the nastiest/most bizzare lies you could think of, to discredit me, to get anyone I might like/enjoy being with to distance themselves, so that I would then have to turn to them for consolation, and so that they would milk me for money, influence, prestige, while working to surround me with people that would team up with them in their leeching - as bizzare as it is ugly, but seemingly not illegal/not easily provable or punishable in front of a court).
Where are her parents/siblings? Could be just a memory/a learned behaviour, though, usually - the bullies are still alive and out there (it is why we are mature only at 50+ - when the bullying (foster) parents (who regularly lie they are not one's biological parents) - die off. But it isn't worth wasting the 30s and the 40s on just waiting for it to happen (and you don't want to encourage them to give up the ghost)
Talk to her about it if you want to. There might be more going on than you know about. I just turned 37 and due to circumstances my life isn’t where it should be either, but not due to immaturity. It’s because I left the military during the height of the 2008 recession, had to move back home with my mother because I didn’t have any money and I went three years without having a job also because of the recession. You’re friend might be having a similar problem. About the men, society puts so much pressure on women to find a man and settle down that even when we’re not being pressured, we put pressure on ourselves. This especially happens after the woman reaches her mid 30’s as a single woman. Your friend might have convinced herself that a man is more important than a better job. I think that’s what you need to talk to her about.
Sounds like she was raised by irresponsible parents or something else.
Anyway I really like how society likes to label men in their 30s “Peter pans” but from my observances there are just as many if not more women like this. But they don’t get the same scorn. They might get ignored but not scorned. Younger men certainly don’t give a shit about their older friends who are clueless.
At the end of the day the only person who can change her problem is herself. She’s a grown ass woman who needs to take responsibility. She can’t expect a man or the government to come save her unless she wants to marry some guy in his 60s. She’s got zero room to be picky.
Now if she starts making an effort to get her shit together then people can give start giving her a hand up (different than a hand out). That’s different. There has to be something she’s good at. Some skillset or talent. It starts with that.
Anyway people like her make me hate socialism. I shouldn’t have to spend more tax money to support clueless/lazy people don’t want to take responsibility for their lives. I personally went through a very dark deep depression back when I was 33. No ONE I am mean NO ONE came to me rescue back then. If anything I got more hostility in the workplace. Some people were trying to kick me while I was down to “man up”. But I got my shit together and turned it all around because I’m willing to work hard. I got ANGRY.
I’m a proud homeowner now, I make a six digit income and I’m looking to by a second house. But this change all started with anger and resolve to NOT accept my current life circumstances. She needs to get angry and determined to change.
Oh about these guys using her for sex. Well 1) she consented 2) none of them are obligated to date (save) her. She can either stop dating or get an occasional D and enjoy it for what’s it’s worth. She can’t have higher expectations for the men she dated then she has for herself.
I just don't know what you would even say to help her get her life on track. She has to be the person to decide what she wants to do in life. One of my oldest friends was a guy I recently cut ties with for a lot of reasons, but the biggest was that he can't get his shit together. Going beyond the fact that he is a drug dealer and I am training to be a lawyer (which matters because you have to pass a character test to get admitted into the legal profession), the guy is undisciplined and he has no respect for anyone's time. I simply cannot be around people who can't get their shit together.
It was a shame because he once had a really great job driving a package car for Amazon. Dude was making like $60k/year with pension, benefits, and on track to be a building manager in a few years; delivering packages during the pandemic when everyone else is going hungry. Then he decides to quit on a whim one day because they messed around with his hours and so he went back to selling drugs. Bro, when you start at $60k with a highschool education being a delivery boy; if they need to mess with your hours from time to time; LET THEM. I can promise you that he will never get another situation that good, and he pissed it away because of a minor inconvenience.
Yeah, sorry... but that's a friendship that I could do without.
Who says any of us have it together we are all the different levels in our lives we can't tell anybody else going to be or how to be or work they should be doing the one beautiful thing about life is we are given a choice no matter what we do in life we get to make the choice the word choice is more powerful than the word love because everything we do no matter what it is we have to make a choice either good one or a bad one if she's your true friend you have to support her choices and what she does that's what a friend does you can't put her down all you can do is be her friend that's an unconditional love is and that's a choice you have to make the way you want to treat her that's your choice it's her choice to accept it or not we choose who we want to be by the things we say and do are you her real friend
I can appreciate someone who cares for their friends but in these kinds of things you have no power to chose for her. Best you can do is make constructive suggestions and maybe she'll chose to act on them.
Also in my opinion, granted I'm a decade younger, having your life "together" is overrated. As long as your life is happy and interesting and you're in good health what else is there?
Like sure a stable job a family a home are nice things but they are not everyone and you can be happy without them. And if she actually WANTS to have a job, family, home... then maybe she'll take the advices you give but don't feel too responsible as adults we all make our own beds
Her health? She wouldn't know because the job doesn't provide health insurance. Not to be gross but she hasn't started her period in 4 months now and she suffers from polycystic ovarian syndrome, then her jaw was so swollen one day frona reaction yet she had no health insurance, she had blood in the toilet she called me I told her I think she has hemorrhoids and needs to see the doctor to confirm but no health insurance. It's stuff like that
Oh so she's a total train wreck. Well that changes things a little as far urgency goes I'm sorry for your friend. But I still don't see hownyou can flip her onto the right track. Maybe this situation will be eye opening
------------------When she says that stuff to you she is just looking for reinforcement of her thoughts not actually asking for accountability. For many... change is hard... very hard but the thought of change is a much easier pill to swallow.
These people swallow those pills by telling everyone they know that YES they indeed need to change... they then get an acknowledgment from you then they carry on down the same path until they need more validation once again.
I would cut those types of chats off. Give her your opinion one time and let her know she needs to stop talking the talk and start walking the walk.
Every journey starts with one small step & throughout our lives each as well as everyone of use are going to take multiple steps & go on so many wonderful journeys as well. As for life in order to get to where you want to be it’s going to take time. As for your friend she may think her life isn’t together but if she takes a look around & stops comparing her life to others around her she’ll be fine. When it comes to our lives there aren’t any rules. You don’t have to have the perfect job, perfect car, perfect house, have a wife or a husband or kids & a goldfish or a dog. Life is life & the best thing your friend can do is live her life one day at a time.
Some people don't get their act together until a lot older than that. She is still young enough to make major changes in her life. She has considerably more time in front of her than behind her. She's not quite a total noob, but still very young.
It's fine to talk to her about her life. There may be a lot more going on that you know about. She may totally get her act together and end up running circles around everyone else. Or she may never get it together.
Not everyone is the same. Some people just don't fit well in this world. Some have a much harder time than others, even though there might not be any visible reason. She is probably FAR more aware of her situation than you are. She is well aware of everything you said about her.
But yea, talk to her if you wish. You said she is your friend. There is no reason for that to change unless she's totally dragging you down or something. She's not going to be like you, and that's OK.
There are some things about her life that are concerning. She really needs to have health insurance, and a little savings for emergencies. It could quite literally save her life. But in regards to your question... 🤔 what is the definition of ‘having your life together’. One person’s definition ( e. g. marriage, children, boring desk job, 4bed/2.5bathroom in bland suburb), is another person’s idea of hell. We have no real right to tell a person ‘how’ they should be living their life. (It is their life after all). If she tells you that she is unhappy, let her know that she has the power to change her life. One small step at a time.
As a friend I would address it because if I care for them then I would let it be known that I want to see them in a better position and from what you are seeing you know she's headed the opposite way. Don't get me wrong if someone wants to change it is totally up to them and on one else but sometimes we all need that outside perspective. Also, there are ways to go about it when addressing her. Its about helping her understand what she needs to work on and how she can work on it and see steps that she can take. It's one thing to try to help someone but also another thing for someone to just throw your failures at you. So it's all about approaching her in a helpful way rather than pushy.
whats her backstory? maybe something more has made her this way or is she just this way? everything. plenty of people older then her dont have their lives together, sounds like she inst happy with life, that can happen at any age with people. something from the past may have made her this way or maybe she is just lazy and likes to complain doesn't want better because she has no drive or ambition, hard to tell you know? i would since, she is a friend go out to lunch or something and talk to her about it.
Seems like you and your friend don't hang out together very often like the old times, because you had a family to take care now and she doesn't have. My best friend used to hang out with me a lot, then he's married and we haven't seen each other for months. Maybe it's unnecessary to play a lot since we are mature adults, or maybe his wife told him to keep away from me. I get that I can tolerate that.
I think she's not that naive don't know where she's at, it's just sometimes she's really at her hardest time, and really hope you would be like the old time and be there for her. Not everyone needs to be 'have their life together', we only wish the friendship never change, that's all.
I’d try to address it, I feel it’d be the best thing to do as a friend. If she doesn’t want to talk about it then I’d let it be but when she does come around then I would try my best to help. Maybe ask for some professional help on the matter too like for you to have the wisdom on what to say to your friends. Prayers to you guys 🙏🏼 I hope everything turns out good and I hope I helped at all
Has she had issues in her childhood that led her to be left so far behind her peers now in her mid 30s? 40 isn’t too far away at this point but she can get her life together, it is never too late. It is down to her to take that step whether she is 35 or 55. It only takes one positive step towards the right direction.
Girl, some of us a trainwrecks. We are fuck ups and not everyone has a happy ending. Life sucks. No matter what you tell her, she will not change. That has to happen on her own when she hits complete rock bottom and she self reflects. Judging her will only make u her enemy. Let her be
To be honest as a friend you can have a once off talk with her and it's up to her to make a change. It wouldn't be my business so I won't bother. She needs to make the first step to change and want to. That's not for anyone else to decide. Talk to her and let her turn her life around.
You can't change people in a good way. They need to do that on their own. Not having any career plans isn't really a issue as long as she can manage her life with what she got. Someone must do the jobs no one wants after all. Let it be her, if she can be satisfied with it.
I voted "other". If you decide to address it, you should be careful of the way you word it to her. Try to show her empathy, ask her if she is feeling alright. Some people might have different ways of being happy and content with their lives. If her choices - or lack of- make her miserable, then she already knows that, you don't need to mention that to her because all you will end up doing is put her in a very uncomfortable position.
I've had a friend like this and honestly you just shouldn't even bother. It's her life, not your's, and you can give her advice, but don't get too involved. If you do that, she'll just drag you down mentally. You gotta give her time to figure things out by herself and don't judge her for being 35 -- that doesn't help with anything at all.
Oh okay I see, well she needs to realize that she shouldn't bring herself down because of her age. We shouldn't set limits for ourselves based on that. There are people who don't figure it out until they are in their 50s. Then again, if she doesn't want to listen to this, that's her problem and should not be your's.
Very true u seen her last night on her balcony sitting in the dark with her head down. I don't know if reality hit what. she's been with out job for 3 weeks now
That kinda makes me feel better, I don't have my life together yet also. I'm still working a minimum wage job and there's no future for it. I don't know when i'll be finished college because of covid and I can't do my placements yet. Did she study anything in college/university? Just talk to her about her and give her advice, ask her what she likes to do.
You'll get there at your age I was in your shoes and then before I knew everything moved so fast in my career getting a job with my actual field. I was still working minum wage jobs last year and it took me 3 and half years after I graduated to find my career job. As long as you are going to school and sticking with it you will land that real job.
No she has no job right now. She had a job before but it had no benefits. she kept quitting and going back bc she hated her boss. Then she signed with a temp agency who ended up giving her a permanent job then she quit and said she didn't like the way they did things. I told her no job is perfect. So now she's out of a job
i've voted "Address it". As for the job, i don't think everyone are able to do what they want. For example, i am currently a Product Stacker in a particular shed/factory. i am just happen to be good at it. But is it really what i want to do? No.. i am doing it because i am capable to do it properly. And that makes me feel good towards myself.
and please ask your friend to not just giving herself to just any random dude.. She's just lowering her value to other males.. All these fcuk boy will keep playing with her while other Value Guys will never see her as a valuable woman.. Giving herself easily to males will not make her more attractive even if she's pretty..
