Isn't it great when your neglectful and abusive alcoholic mother who has never apologized or changed sends you this when you haven't spoken in years?

[Anonymous]

Sent to me at 11:58PM Sunday evening. Guaranteed she was lost in the sauce. And you know, I've gotta appreciate the irony of this... Rewind to almost 10 years ago and her unemployed ass was fast asleep in bed as I got myself ready for school. She likely was up late shouting at her boyfriend on the phone or banging fuckbuddies late into the night, keeping me awake well past midnight. 7:00am with a belly full of cereal, no lunch, (but that's okay; I was too depressed to eat it anyway,) I'd be pedaling my big ol' lice-infested head to school through the blistering cold.

So anyway, I see this shit Monday morning and when the tears start to push their way out (it's okay, I didn't let them,) I begin wondering, why? Is it because she actually thought of herself that way as a mother and threw it all away anyway? Or is it because I have a scathing envy for that little elephant? I think likely the latter... I guess it doesn't really matter though.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

That's really sweet, but in my opinion you should really consider whenever it is sincere and if you feel whenever it's proper or the time to forgive her.
My mother too was a neglectful, selfish drunk and drug addict - people kept her around only because she was a "good piece of ass" translated in your language. The original expression is much raunchier and she took pride in it.
In forgave her for those reasons -
a) it made me feel better
b) I recognized that despite her mistakes she tried sometimes and is trying now
c) socially and politically, it boosts my image as a forgiving and loving son and overall as a good person/leader

But I recognize that your situation is vastly different, so I suggest you carefully consider benefits versus costs of forgiving her and whenever forgiving her will prompt positive changes in your life or not.
I'm sorry you've had to go through all this, and although I admit I put on an all smiling facade, in actuality I recognize the need of evaluating people based on their usefulness and make a cost/benefit analysis, and that's what I advise you to do.

[Asker]

Thank you, and I was being sarcastic when I said, "isn't it great..."

My mother was the same. People would value her for charisma and looks, and she was always the fake sort of nice.

It's an important aspect on it that you touch on... how does my grudge with her influence my relationship with other women, and humanity in general? There is a creeping urge to forgive her. To be rid of a certain darkness that I stow away within myself. But then I reflect on my experiences, on all the times I was abandoned or put into bad situations... it's unacceptable, and nobody should ever treat me like that and get away with it, she cannot improve my life, and I'm done being the guy that goes around trying to make everybody else happy.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I think you should just do this costs/benefit analysis or see it as a trial sort of thing - what are the mitigating factors? What are the aggravating factors?
With my mother I gave her ''probation'' period, and time will tell if she'll get a ''full pardon'', so to say. As a mitigating factor was that she's been on a consistently good behavior for the last two years and that she did some really nice things even with no reward in sight, so I got more lenient.

In your case this seem to be the first and only thing in years and it's not even sure if it's sincere or not, so you should evaluate if it's sincere or not and if it warrants a rehabilitating process. If it doesn't, don't answer her and cut the remaining ties.

[Exterminatore]

So sorry to hear you had to go through that. Addicts are some of the most pathological and selfish people on this planet.


Don’t envy the little elephant. It’s not his fault. Rather, reset the mother elephant who only cared for her alcohol and fornication if anything.


I truly hope your mother will one day sober up and look you straight in the eye and tell you how wrong she was and that she’s sorry and will attempt to make amends. May I suggest until she does make her in your mind dead? Dead to you. Drunks don’t warrant your attention. Not until they get clean and sober and stay that way. Not until they accept blame for their behavior. Until then she’s dead to you and you are better off without her.


I find it shocking she’d send that to you. Like that makes it all better. I’d tell her not to send me anything more until she gets sober enough to conceive of what she’s sending.

[Asker]

Thanks, and yes, she's already been dead to me for 2 or 3 years. In terms of envy, I meant that it makes me sad that I never really had any familial affection, and many of my emotions regarding family are negative.

[Exterminatore]

Understandable and understandably so.

[Anonymous]

I have a feeling she is aware of her mistakes…
And she wants to let you know she loves you…
It’s hard I know. I grew up with abusive mother ; and as daughter to mother you expect her to love you so much and it turns out it’s so painful instead. She sends me such messages for birthday that she loves me etc etc. But no matter what she says my heart doesn’t accept it but my brain accepts it. Days fly I’m old now , she is old , it’s like whatever at this point. Also , people change too. I’m sure your mom has changed. It’s ok to give her a chance. She gave birth to you.

[Asker]

Her love has no value.
She's changed for the worse as all that alchy-hol has rotted her brain.
There is no benefit in allowing her into my life. I'm going to wait until I move so she doesn't know where I live and then change my number so I'm rid of her once and for all.

The only thing to feel remorse for is never knowing what it's like to have someone care for me like a real parent would... Oh well...

[Exterminatore]

@celtero

That’s a good plan and one you should execute as soon as your able. I’d suggest being willing to forgive if she changes her ways.

As much as it hurt you in many ways not having someone to care for you it also made you stronger than you realize. One day if you’re willing you will have a family of your own and begin to have the environment that should have always been.

[NathanDavis]

forgive her

[Asker]

Why?

[NathanDavis]

why not?

[NathanDavis]

@celtero let's DM about this... Nothing to Gein...

[Asker]

Because there is no benefit to me in doing so.

[Asker]

Cool song, no? It's about Ed Gein, schizo graverobber and killer who inspired movies such a Psycho, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Silence of the Lambs.

On top of being a musical masterpiece, the lyrics really resonate with me for... reasons that should be obvious. A phenomenal encapsulation of tragedy, pain, anger, and despair.