I got in argument with my mother because she has tried to choose my partner, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

I love my mother more than life itself. I got in argument with my mum. I have never had a boyfriend and I am 24 years old. When I was 19–22 years I was told by my parents in particular by my mother don’t have a boyfriend until you finish your studies. My mum made a comment the other m day that your youth is going. I said to her you was the one who said I should not have a partner. I am going to move out of my parents house. Then she said to me moving to a city is not going to help anything. I said I feel trapped at home like I am in a box.

My mum has put me on dating sites to try to help me. However she likes the guys I do not like. Or when I like guy and she did not she would delete them. Even if I showed her a picture she would make comments about them. I understand my mum comes from a good place but.

I appogiesed for hurting her feelings. I feel extremely guilty. But I said I had to tell you how I feel and that is how I genuinely feel. I want some space and to make my own decisions and chooses. I understand she was trying to help because I have been very low at times. But I would like to choose who I want to go out with and make decisions. I do not want constantly seek approval I want to be free. My mum seems very withdrawn and low I have never seen her like this and I feel horrible. I love my mum and I would do anything for her.

Updates

1 y

If I new this was going to hurt her I would have never said anything. I am moving away and relocating next month to a different city.

[TruthBringer]

Even though your mum indeed has the best intentions, she is still in the wrong here. And it's more than just "its your life you should choose whoever you want!". Honestly, this may be a cultural thing as well. This is not something typically happening in western culture. I may be wrong on this, so you'll need to give some more input.

There is one thing that your mom did well. And that is to keep you away from the promiscuous lifestyle that has negatively affected so many (young) women. So being a virgin at your age is actually a huge advantage for you.

But still... That doesn't mean your mom has the right to dictate who you should be with. Your mum is in the wrong because rather by teaching you how to seek the necessary qualities in a man, she dictates it for you. A parent should guide you in life, not pre-chew life's circumstances for you.

There is a saying: "Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day, but teach the man how to fish and you'll feed him for a lifetime" . In this case, your mom is trying to feed you the fish, only the fish is not to your liking.

The reality is, your mom shouldn't force her preference on you. This is your life, not hers. And just because she is "low" & "hurt" does not mean you should be guilt-tripped in giving in to her dictating your dating life.

You know why? I have seen how detrimental it is to one's overall happiness and dating life quality when a parent dictates a child's love-life. I have an ex whose mom didn't approve of me simply because of my race. Her mom wanted her to date someone from her own culture & race. And she contributed a lot to the demise of the relationship. Doing stupid stuff like trying to get her daughter (my ex) closer to other guys she would 'approve' of. Turns out the mom is a narcissist. I mean, despite the flat-out disrespect, lack of morals and lack of empathy toward me, it was HER DAUGHTER who took the L. She deprived her daughter of someone who genuinely was moving mountains for her daughter. And thanks to her, her daughter remained single, regressed in life and became overweight & even more miserable. All because the narcissistic mom of her believes her daughter is her property. Whereas I've healed and moved on to a better relationship, giving my love & support to someone else.

Back to you. You've come to age where you are no longer a child. You are a legal adult who should be making decisions for herself. You'll have to communicate this with your mother. Tell her you'll keep her wishes for a partner in mind when you seek out someone yourself. But that she has no right to dictate who you should love.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for the wonderful advice. I live in a western country I am British and my mum was also born in England 🇬🇧

[MrOracle]

I'm going to write my own answer, but this is all good advice here. It will save me some work... 👍

[Asker]

@MrOracle thanks I look forward to that

[MrOracle]

As others have said, I can appreciate that your mom is really trying to help you, but in my opinion she doesn't know how to help you EFFECTIVELY and really isn't helping much at all. I'm sure she has good intentions, but that's ultimately not enough, unfortunately.

I don't know your cultural background, but when it comes to male/female relationships, western culture has been significantly damaged, by Feminism and other things, and isn't very healthy right now, and it's very likely that you're going to get some bad/toxic advice from your friends and certainly from the media - things that seem fun at the time but that come with a big long-term cost. So, I'm going to explain some things about how the world actually works - some you might already know and some you might not - but these things are very likely to have a HUGE impact on your long-term happiness and mental health.

I need to start with time, because women have a shorter time window and have to make good decisions early to get the best long-term outcome.

Average Social Market Value (SMV), by age and sex

This graph shows some painful truths, for both men and women, but we'll focus on women here. Your SMV can be thought of as your "relationship value" to men - not the same thing as your overall human value, but it's very relevant here. Women's SMV is extremely dependent on their youth, because fertility is strongly tied to youth. While some women can have children in their mid-30s or even early 40s, that's the exception, not the rule, and past 35, there is an increasing likelihood of children having problems. Men generally prefer to build families with younger women for these and other reasons, and this is reflected in the SMV curve.

Men also strongly prefer women who are virgins or at the very least have a low body count. Women bond with the men they have sex with, but with each breakup, her ability to bond is damaged and weakened, and a weaker bond means she's going to become dissatisfied more easily, even over small things. Surveys showed that women who were virgins were likely to report being happy with their relationship after 10 years at a rate of 80%, while women who had slept with only 5 men were only happy at a rate of 30%, with decreasing satisfaction as those numbers got higher. Men understand this innately, plus men value being able to do things with you and show you things that you've never seen before - if you've already been everywhere and done everything with other men, a man knows that building a relationship is going to be more difficult and less satisfying.

The good news for you is that you still retain your maximum SMV, so your concern is that you spend it WISELY, and spend it SOON, while you are at the top of your value curve and can command the best men who will ever be available to you.

[MrOracle]

Let's talk about those men. You will be tempted to go for the Top 10% of men - these are not only the men that nearly 100% of women want, they're also the ONLY men that most women today will even consider. They are good-looking, very popular, successful, and confident as a rule. What's not to like, right? Well, that's also the problem: these men have access to nearly 100% of all single women (and plenty who aren't single), so their options are endless, and they don't need to make any effort or sacrifices or compromises to get what they want from women. If a woman wants more than they're willing to offer, or becomes a hassle in any way, he can dump her and have a replacement within the hour, because there's always a line of women waiting for their opportunity to be with him. If you are smart, you will avoid these men, even though these are the ones you'll likely be most attracted to, because these men aren't interested in relationships, and they're certainly not interested in monogamy.

The ideal men are going to be on the next level below in the desirability pyramid: the guys who are in the 70-90% range - your 7s and 8s, essentially. Not all of these guys will be "relationship men", but many are, and while they're probably still building their success if they're below 35, they're probably well on their path towards it, and you'll ultimately benefit from their success. Lots of these men care about family and children and legacy, and want a wife who is family-oriented and will help raise good, productive, successful children with him.

[MrOracle]

The challenge for you is that you're going to have to learn to FILTER and VET the potential men that you meet, and you have to do this UP-FRONT, *before* you commit to them, because however they are, whatever morals and values and lifegoals and red flags and bad habits they have when you meet them, that's how they're going to be forever, and you need to make damn sure you can deal with those things long-term. While a hot guy is exciting, even the hottest guy isn't going to help you feel better if he's also dishonest, or disloyal, or if he's never home, or if he quits his job to play video games. Morals, values, and life-goals are what matters long-term.

And it's going to be difficult for you to judge those things - you have virtually no experience, and men think and act very differently from women and have very different preferences and perspectives. It's very easy for you to make assumptions about a guy that aren't true. For this reason, I *strongly* advise that you have a trusted older man (your dad, your older brother, a cousin or uncle) who can also vet the guy. Guys know how other guys think, and are much better at detecting lies and BS from other guys than you will ever be. Find someone to do this for you, and LISTEN TO THEM and take them seriously.

[MrOracle]

Only date LOCALLY. Do NOT get on dating apps and meet guys from far away - "online relationships" are fantasies, and aren't real. It's incredibly easy for people to portray themselves as very different from who they really are, so if you aren't spending real time with them IN PERSON, you can never be sure who they really are. I strongly recommend you date no one who is more than 20 minutes away from you using whatever method of transportation is common where you are. You need to be able to spend time with that person at least 2-3 days a week on average, so they need to be reasonably close to you.

Yes, this probably means that you'll have to aim a little lower with regards to looks/popularity/money, but those things without good morals and values will not sustain your happiness - nor will dating someone you never spend real time with make you happy.

You should be focusing on finding a husband (assuming you want children) who cares about having his own children - and that's going to eliminate a whole lot of guys who are just looking to get laid. Some of those guys you will find VERY attractive, but you need to eliminate them anyway. Sometimes, that will be hard, but if you lack discipline, you will not have a good long-term outcome.

[TenderFantasy]

You need to cut the apron strings, or cut the figurative "umbilical cord" as they say, before it's too late. This seems unhealthy in a sense (her choosing your dates and even making DATING profiles for you? ! You need to do those things on your own my dear, NOT your mother lol. And she deleting the guys you like just shows she doesn't respect you and is trying to boss you around and treat you like you're stupid and don't know what you are doing with your life.

You need to love yourself more than your mother if you want a healthier relationship with her as much as possible. I hope she didn't give birth to you to have a slave or someone to boss around! You are your own person and you deserve to be that!

The fact that you are moving away from them, in part to get away from that, tells a lot.

Good luck, you'll need it, both when starting out on your own and in your family dynamics! Good you told her off (not in a bad way of course), but being assertive is a great thing. Practice that outside too and you'll be good!

[SueShe]

Just ask your mom

"Are you going to live with that guy for the rest of your life? He may look physically attractive but what if he is a toxic person, an addict or has a criminal record? Would you blame me for going out with such a person, even though you decided for me?"

You are 24 and as such, you are an adult that takes the responsibility for her acts and decision. While I try to understand your mother that seems to want only the most attractive men for you, those men do not always appear what they are.

There is no need to feel bad about you giving your opinion to your mom, mainly on such an important topic as the future of your life...

[Asker]

Thank you, my mum is my best friend. After the argument she is so cold. If I knew it was going to be like this I would have never told her how I feel.

Some of the guys I am not attracted to. I know she wants to best from

I have cried about this to her she said what do you expect me to do. I was just only trying to help you. But I am 24 and grown up. I want to make my own choices and decisions.

[SueShe]

Ask her if your mom's parents decided and chose a husband for her and if not, why not? Does she think that she would be happier if her parents made the choice for her?

I am aware that in a few countries, parents arrange marriages but we actually live in the 21st. century and no longer in 1823.

What else does your mother decide for you or wants you to chose? You have to learn to start to distance yourself from your mother. If you allow her to make all important decisions for you, then you will never be truly independent because she will continue to tell you what is best for you, even once you are married.

[RingOfFire]

You are at an age where you are separating from your parents in many respects and becoming your own person. This is not only a difficult time for you but for your parents as well. You are very thoughtful to recognize that your mother's intentions are good and she has only your best interest in mind. But she also needs to recognize that you are now a grown woman and that you need to be able to make your own decisions in matters as personal as this. It's a give and take struggle that is part of family life at this stage.

I would say that you should continue the loving kindness towards your mother and gently make her understand that you are at an age where you need to be able to make your own decisions. And that you want, respect and appreciate her advice but need to receive reciprocal respect from her. She needs to allow you to live and learn... sometimes you will make mistakes like we all do at any age. She needs to allow you to make what she views as mistakes as it is the only way you can forge ahead to become a self reliant person. As much as she loves you, you are the one who knows best what you need. She must recognize that and begin to change the relationship. It's not a change for the worse. It's not a diminution of your love for each other. In fact it is a change for the better forged in that love.

[Gibbons44]

Oh, that old chestnut.

She was right to keep you a virgin - the whole promiscuity thing is largely criminal when bigamy gets taken into account. Especially in the light of, say, my human rights as a 44 yesr old virgin (even if twice engaged, there never was that biblical linking between me and a female human - so I am in fact a boy still, not a man).

The rest - as far as I know, women have this really weird thing about _always_ looking _only_ for themselves, even if they claim it is for their daughter (they mostly feel like giving birth to another daughter instead of marrying the one (s) they have out to someone highly suitable who is not their sibling or parent or cousin already.

To find a woman who'd let her own daughter marry best possible way seems nigh on impossible - as if all daughters are adoptive, raised by some ill intentioned sexually very selfish woman (which, again, is aginst the daughter's - as well as my own, basic human right to marry - and to marry the best matching too, so - same brain size, same colours, similar or mutually acceptable body dimensions).

(Most people struggle to grasp this many thoughts in one go - that brain size/IQ number thing 🤷‍♂️)

[Bethany22]

She sounds toxic. I mean she does have a good point about finishing your education first before dating, but if then she's going to say that you need to start dating, she should at least speak in full sentences and say something like, 'I know I said "" before, but now that you've finished your studies, you should probably start looking for a date'. I would want to move out as well if my mom became depressed when I tried to assert myself. You should be able to announce what you want without having to feel guilty about it. I don't know why your mother would want you to feel responsible for her happiness. It's so selfish.

[OfMiceandMen]

If I were you I would tell her that you are taking a break from looking. Just get rid of your online dating profile. It is obviously a sore spot and you don't want your dating life to drive a wedge between you and your mum.

I would start working and saving money to get out on your own. Once you are out on your own, you can start back up again and you don't require your mom's approval. Once you meet someone you really like and they are good to you, you can take him to meet your mum. By that time, she will know that you vetted him well.

[Anonymous]

I know you love your mother that’s good but her looking in dating sites for your partner and telling YOU what’s good for YOU it’s a a huge sign of narcissists! Also she is downgrading your feelings and you as a human how your youth is ending !!
Unless you are from some Remote Lost country on earth than I get it why your mom is close minded. Overall at 24 years old both man and women kinda realize who they are let alone the youth is over.
Usually people end up so depressed sad and heartbroken by 30s because they rush thinking there is a limit do this and that because you will get old do this and that because your youth will end with set you up to something you don’t want to have at all. By 28 you realize you are a new whole different person by 30 you realize we the man u married at 25 is a piece of shit.
Give yourself proper time

[melanieeeB]

Your mom has to step back and mind her own fucking business. She has no say in who you can like or not, sure if someone is toxic she should say her opinion but that's about it. You're old enough to be treated like a woman and make your own decisions in life... she is treating you like a little kid smh

[lightbulb27]

It's not like you are going to marry them, you at best are chatting and maybe a date. Try the people your mom recommends and in exchange, you can try some of yours. good grief...

your mum does need to loosten the hold a bit and hope for the best...

[Luopio27]

What she is doing is wrong. She is using your love against you to favor her own authority. That is not love unless you would be underage and adults would use you for sex.


You are an adult and it is your own choice which adult you are friends with and which you date.

[TruthBringer]

Well said. It's called 'emotional manipulation'. The fact her mom tries to guilt trip her because she didn't bend over backwards for her ridiculous demand of controlling her daughter love-life, is a tell-tale of emotional abuse.

@Asker I hope you are reading this.

[Asker]

@TruthBringer I don’t my mum is emotional abusive. I have cried to her. She said how could I have helped you apart from making a online dating account for you. I said to her be like Dad and just listen and give me advice.

[AMS700CX4u2]

I have read TruthBringer's response and could not agree with Him more. Mom can not fix her life by directing yours. Living vicariously through your children may make you think you have corrected mistakes that you made. But truthfully you are just makeing another mistake.

[jshm2]

Look, kiddo. Your mom has control issues. Get that into your head.

Secondly it's YOU that is fucking this guy, not your mom. So it is irrelevant if your mom likes him or not. Sure it would be great if your partner and mom get along, but it's not likely as your mom is going to see him as "taking control" of you instead of her.

You need to cut things off and maybe not go "no contact" just yet, but have boundaries with your mom.

[OddBeMe]

Eesh. Tell her to back the fck off. There’s gonna be tension and applied pressure from all sides of the family but once they get the message you’re not budging they’ll stop.

Also how much hold do they have on you? Are you living with them? Relying on them for food?

[Asker]

I have stable job and I am moving out next month. I contribute to hothead house

[OddBeMe]

Honestly it sounds totally on par. Your parents are suffering empty nest and are trying to maintain their control. It’s natural. But throw an elbow at them, move out, show you’re independent and they’ll stfu. :)

[Guy13]

It sounds like you may need to consider getting out on your own. When a woman does this she will actively spread her wings. Are you capable of getting a roommate and a flat somewhere at least two hours from home?

[Asker]

I am moving to a different city

[Guy13]

Good for you !!

[Jamie05rhs]

She needs to understand that your opinion matters and she should listen to you when it comes to choosing a partner. Yes, her opinion matters as well. But this is your life, not hers.
But do try to listen to her perspective when she shares her opinions about guys. She may know some things, due to her age and experience.

[MaryWhittington56]

$95 an hour! Seriously I don't know why more people haven't tried this, I work two shifts, 2 hours in the day and 2 in the evening…And what's awesome is I'm working from home so I get more time with my kids. Here's where I went,
===))>www. join. hiring9. com

[EmmaMary]

Instead of being dictated to at 24 years of age, why can't you simply move out and start living your own life?

[Asker]

Thanks, I am moving out next month. However I feel terrible that I have hurt her feelings

[EmmaMary]

I'm sure with time she will slowly get over it.

Wishing you all Good Luck with your move... I can assure you will not regret it. x

[NotTacocaT6969]

She’s a control freak.


Ignore her and do your own thing.


It’s your life, not hers.

[EaterPeter]

Write notes 📝. Try to combine yours and hers point of view. Find things you can agree with her on and note them. Note all the topics. categorize them into. Strongly agree to strongly disagree if makes sense

[Asker]

Thank you, I have known my mum for 24 years. The way she looks at me is like the love has gone.

[EaterPeter]

You may want to warm up relationship with her. Try updating her love map on your end and see if that makes any difference

[EaterPeter]

Welcome

[EaterPeter]

Which country?

[EaterPeter]

All the best on your move. I am glad you took the chance to let out what was on your chest.

[EaterPeter]

Try to not leave just like that. Try having one more short conversation.

[EaterPeter]

You are 24 you could not know a person right from birth. Try forgiving yourself, try forgiving her.

[Aiko_E_Lara]

Your mom should actually be proud that you're becoming your own person. I think you're brainwashed into loving her more than anything in life. Your mom is basically making you feel nothing without her that's why it's hard for you to grow.

[Stevefiveo]

That is very sweet. Maybe you two can compromise on the dates. Maybe she can come along on the dates, that she doesn't approve of.

[Asker]

Thank you so much I think it is best me and her stop talking about that.

[Stevefiveo]

Oh, well good luck.

[LiamJHayden]

Even though I believe in their house, their rules this is going too far. She needs to let go, and you need to break free.