Is my mum being rude saying this?

[Krystal23]

My mum is saying if I marry out of my ethnicity with my boyfriend she will disown me and never be my mum again but if I marry within my ethnicity she will support me? It’s just weird because my mum and dad will both stop talking to me. I just don’t know what to do

[SteveSmith1985]

Woooow. That's beyond "rude." That's just horribly racist. Just straight-up, unabashed, out-in-the-open racism.

Usually when someone's parents are that racist, they sorta already know their parents are that way. It's crazy that it came as a surprise! (although I talked to one other guy last week who had a similar experience.)

So, yea. Way beyond rude. Just straight-ugly-racism. In a very pure, old-school form.

Sorry you're mom feel that way. I hope she comes around to seeing things differently (but I wouldn't count on it). 🙂

[Krystal23]

Exactly I know I’m not going to be counting on it. I know for s fact I won’t listen to her and when I did say to her it’s racist she was denying she is. Either way I don’t think I will be listening to her so I will slowly have to distance myself from her

[SteveSmith1985]

I am on the one hand really sorry that this is going to cause a serious strain on your relationship with your mother. That's honestly really sad. Especially because it's for no reason at all. No reason but hate.

On the other hand, it warms my heart to hear that you've got no intention of listening to her.

Most people don't get such a clear and in-your-face opportunity to show that they choose "love over money." That's exactly what you're doing. I think that's great. Are you two already engaged?

[Krystal23]

Tbh with you no we are not we are just together and I was speaking to her about it and I mentioned it she totally went into defence mode. She rather have me be with someone same ethnicity as me who treats me like shit than be with someone completely different and who treats me like a queen. Weird world we live in and definitely does not love her kids as if she did she would want me to be happy

[SteveSmith1985]

Wow. Did she actually SAY she'd prefer someone of your own ethnicity even if they treated you like shit? Or is that you extrapolating from her other comments?

I would tend to agree with your conclusion about your mom should want you to be happy if she loves you. I would never have said that to you in a million years. But I would have thought it.

It's kinda chilling to hear you come to that conclusion about your own mother... essentially out-of-the-blue. It's crazy that she didn't make any comment or just straight-up tell you this at any earlier point. Usually if someone feels that strongly, they can't help but make that known. What an awful surprise for you. Has she met your boyfriend?

[Krystal23]

No she literally said it because my aunty is with her husband who treats her like shit and my mum said well she’s still with him.

She saw a photo of us together that’s why she’s being like this tbh I give up with her she’s not even happy in her marriage herself so she definitely isn’t making me be in a unhappy marriage

[SteveSmith1985]

Wow. Yes, she really is far-gone if she would rather see you mistreated than with someone of a different race. I think that your looking at things is a really healthy and good way though. You're totally right. DON'T let her be unhappy in your marriage.

And holy shit, all of this was sparked by only a picture. Damn. That's intense. So are you and your boyfriend like a long-term-serious relationship already? or did she see the guy you've been dating for 4 months in a picture and freak-out about the idea of you marrying?

[Krystal23]

Thank you!!! And she just freaked out by the picture 😂 at least I know now I slowly need to detach myself from her lol

[SteveSmith1985]

Jeez. Yea, I guess that is what you should do. That's really unfortunate. If she's willing to budge on "disowning" you... I hope that you're able to stay open to some sort of relationship (assuming it's positive) rather than no relationship with her at all. Just, don't lose your relationship with her out of anger. Make sure you only lose what you have to.

In other words. (if I'm not mistaken) and you and your boyfriend aren't super long-term or serious yet... and you break up for some unrelated reason... and you end up falling in love with a dude who happens to be pure-blooded enough for your mother. Don't lose your mother because she's racist, but only if it's actually a problem when you decide to marry. Make sure you don't lose more than you have to. And that's again, assuming that it's "a positive" for you (in general) to have a relationship with your mother.

I feel really badly for you. But am also really happy to see you reacting the way you are.

Can I ask what your ethnicity happens to be? (if you want to keep that to yourself that's fine. Totally just curious)

[Krystal23]

So my mum said when we do get married she wouldn’t speak to me then she said we would be finished.

I’m Pakistani and he is African..

Either way she’s my mum but she’s toxic about many other things too and then to keep her reputation she says to people she’s got a head injury ( I do but it’s only minor mostly to do with memory ) so she just says to turn my brain isn’t working wtf

[Krystal23]

She says to people my brain isn’t working *

[SteveSmith1985]

That's partly what I was "hedging" about when I said "as long as it's positive" because if it's toxic, then for sure, you're better to sever that relationship.

I think you should do whatever you think is best for you. Just don't do anything impulsive that you might regret. As long as whatever you decide is thought-through, then you'll have no regrets about whatever you decide to do. So if you want to start slowly distancing yourself because that's what makes sense. Then by all means do that. Just have your head as clear as possible before trying to make any FINAL decisions about anything

[Krystal23]

Yeah definitely I will do that!! Thank you so much ❤️

[OlderAndWiser]

Expressing her beliefs, even if you find this objectionable, is not rude. She has the right to make those decisions for herself. She is not required to change her beliefs to make you happy.

You have the right to reject that type of ultimatum and tell her that you will disown her unless she withdraws her ultimatum.

Or you could approach her and ask to discuss this like adults.

[Stevefiveo]

That sucks that she making you choose between her and your future husband. She is very set in her ways. Hopefully someday she will see that she is wrong.

[WellGreetingsISay]

That is very rude. You should marry whoever you want.

[RHK36]

That's unfortunate that she's like that, but go with your gut. At the end of the day it's your life.

[dreamstar72]

Marry who you want not who they want you to marry.

[bowenw]

Yes, they are trying to control you.

[Damian69]

That's just shitty

[MadAndBankrupt]

It’s not weird.

[Anonymous]

Who are you trying to marry? And what are you

[riverrat3]

Not fair of her