I'm 44 and he's 45. We have 3 kids and they're respectively ages 20, 17 and 13. While the younger ones were planned, the first one wasn't. He still believes protection was used. He believed (blindly trusted me when I suggesting just taking the pills) I was taking my pills but I flushed them in the toilet. That's the only lie I've ever told and sometimes it's eating me up. There should be no lies nor secrets and that's yet that's my only secret. It's been exactly 20 years later. I gave birth to him when I was 24.
He and everyone still believe our son is a gift from God, a miracle baby. I acted shocked and sad (I was actually happy it worked) at the time when a doctor told us I was pregnant. I never took a pregnancy test at home or otherwise that would've been suspicious. I kept quiet about it until it was obvious and went with him to a doctor. He was just as surprised as me (well I acted surprised) but reassured me we would have the baby. That's the reason things got speed up, we settled down and have been a family since. We don't have any issues. The only thing is my own guilt. At the time I was worried about a possible break-up the longer I spent in the relationship, having to start all over in the dating world, worried about things going nowhere, him taking too long, etc. We're each others' first and only wanted kids with him, grow old with him, be with him till death do us apart.
I've been battling two feelings. While I'm happy for the life we've built together over the years, there is nothing missing and no issues, some days I still feel terrible over what I did. That was indeed selfish and it caused a life altering event. I caused it.
