Guys, what exactly does it take to make you think your female friend is into you?

[Anonymous]

Asking bc I've been living through this situation multiple times in my life, with almost all of my straight male friends. I barely make a difference in treating female, non-binary and male friends, except my straight male buddies have made it clear that they like to revert to making advances, no matter how many times I've told them over the past 15 years that I only want to be friends (hello, fuckzone? I don't know). It left me quite clueless what I did to encourage them since I try my hardest to avoid this.

Now, since I can't ask them what made them assume things would be different every new time we start to hang out again, I was wondering how exactly I can treat them differently so they won't get the wrong ideas anymore? Treating them like a friend obviously doesn't work. I have the impression I could bite off the head of a bat in front of them and they'd still think I'd be flirting.

So, what are some common misconceptions you've encountered? Is there anything women / girls should avoid doing in order to not get your hopes up and hurt your feelings? No matter how insignificant you think your specific details are, I'm curious to hear them.

Updates

8 mo

What I've gathered from most responses here basically translates to "straight men are slaves to their urges" and hence, incapable to form genuine human connection unless they can fuck the other person? Reads as if it removes their agency to me, to be honest. Very interesting.

[Mybeachlife8888]

Honestly, this situation is super simple and yet complex. Think of it this way……. If a man is in a happy relationship it’s not guaranteed that he’s going to respect your boundaries (because he could be a cheater) but he would most likely be a great candidate for a friend zone guy.

Now put yourself in the shoes of a guy that’s single and on the prowl…… even though you are “just a friend” he’s going to wonder what’s wrong with him that you two can connect on such a great level and yet hooking up isn’t something you would do with him. It’s going to beat him up seeing you hook up with whoever, especially when he knows that he’s connected with you on such a level that it’s hurting him to see you happily hook up with random guys or whatever.

This is human nature. Women are more prone to accept many suitors and men are more prone to chase women and go for the gold. Being friends with women tends to lead to complications when it comes to things such as your question. In my opinion, be friends with women and once you do find a guy to settle down with, you’ll have his guy friends to be friends with. But be careful, there’s no guarantee they won’t try to fuck just because they are Friends with your man. It’s a complicated world….. just put yourself in the shoes of the other people and it will make a little bit more sense.

[ImHere22]

Yea, no- none of my guy friends are trying to fuck my wife just because she's my wife. WTF kind of friends do you have, man?

Also, as a guy who has been single and on the prowl, and who has had a mix of female / male friends, I've never thought "oh why oh why won't my lady friends have sex with me? Am I such a failure that my female friend sitting in the passenger seat of my car won't just randomly turn to me and give me road head as I drive us to the mall? Womp womp!"

It's situation is not complex; guys make it complicated because we can't speak the fuck up. "Hey I know you may want to just stay friends but I really want to try taking this to the next level. Oh okay, well, I cannot imagine how to even check my own penis, so I guess this is the end of our friendship and now I'm not getting laid either."

Women are not prone to accepting many suitors - what does that even mean? Like all women are like "oh sure I'll date everyone!! hehehehe!" Men are prone to chase women and go for the gold? Are women a prize to be won at the local fair? Like does the best body get a blue ribbon?

[Mybeachlife8888]

@ImHere22

I didn’t say your friends will try to fuck your wife, I’m saying it happens though. My friends would never. How did you turn what I said into something so far from the point I was making.

[Wonderingguyy]

I don’t really think most guys care if a girl likes them or not. Of course some do, but for some dudes, having a crush or a heavy attraction towards a girl even just from their part is enough to motivate them to hit on her.

[MrOracle]

The problem is that you want to be "just friends" with straight, single men. You can't. It's really that simple, and it's not because YOU can't, it's because most straight, single men are simply incapable - and that's not something that will ever change. At best, you can be acquaintances - people you see occasionally in group settings - but not "friends" - people you hang out with alone.

When a man (who is straight and has a normal sex drive) is single, his top priority is to find a woman and get laid - regularly if possible. This is UNIVERSAL - and while a few men are mature enough, or religious enough, to sacrifice these powerful feelings and keep them under control, at least outwardly, most men aren't. This is simply the nature of man - human beings would literally have gone extinct if men didn't have an incredibly strong urge to reproduce (I. e., to bang), and you are not going to win against a half-million years of evolution and genetic optimization. Men didn't ask to be this way anymore than you asked for periods, but we both have to deal with them.

The only thing you can do is either keep some distance from them - make them acquaintances - or tell them straight out that you will NEVER, EVER be with them - to crush all of their hope. Of course, if you do that, you'll find that they will fade out of your life anyway.

You cannot be "just friends" with single, straight men. It's that simple.

[AjayOnTheInternet]

It has not much to do with what you do, other than you treat him like a friend. Honestly it's why guys don't want their girlfriends having guy friends. A girl might see it as platonic. A man sees it as, 'this girl likes to hang out with me'. All it takes is him liking how you look to make him want to pursue. Being freind-zoned hurts, because the girl you like wants everything of a relationship minus the intimacy. Those guys will either, keep trying, stop coming around, or suppress their feelings and pretend they don't care seeing you happy with other guys.

[Asker]

That sounds as if being friends is worth less than being in a relationship with that person you're into. Personally, I value my friends more than my past and possible future relationships. Relationships come and go, friends stay. Or at least mine do, no idea about other people.

[dynamicyandere]

If they want to hang out, turn them down sometimes. Make them feel like more of an acquaintance. Throw in some mixed signals in there that show that they aren’t as close to you as they think they are. Don’t let them feel like they’re a high priority, but more of just a guy you’re on good terms with. You can be friendly, but not overly so. That would be the way to go about it, in my opinion.

[dynamicyandere]

As for them reverting back to making advances… It just shows you that they’re orbiters.

They like you and are waiting for an opportunity to be with you, counting on the possibility that your feelings may change for them, eventually.

Which, may be good reason to create some more distance and treat them more like acquaintances.

Because if you’re with a guy, or looking for a guy, no guy likes it when their girl has a bunch of orbiters waiting to pounce at the right opportunity.

If you stop enabling them to be orbiters and acquaintance-zone them so to speak, that’ll help your future romantic relationships.

[AydenHazor]

I never understood guys like this, I know several but never understood them. Myself, I assume friendship unless I'm specifically told otherwise, to the point that I'm often clueless even if someone does like me. I maintain several very close friendships with women with no ulterior motive, solely because they are amazing friends

[DarkWinterNights]

This is why I always say men and women can’t be “just friends”. Everyone on this site hates to hear it, but example after example is posted almost daily. The closer a guy gets to a woman the more likely he is to form an attraction to her. For a majority of guys the only chance they have at dating is if they get to know someone first.

[DarkWinterNights]

I wouldn’t say “slave to our urges”. There just isn’t a lot of incentive to devote a lot of effort to being strictly friends with a woman. I devote a lot of time and energy to my friends that mean a lot to me. I can’t develop that same kind of relationship with a woman. It’s just far easier to emotionally invest with other guys and bond over similar interests. There is no drama and I know that no matter what happens, my few really good friends will always be there for me. Female friendships just seem very sporadic and conditional.

[Asker]

Funny enough, that's exactly how I feel about being friends with guys. It only comes with the condition of getting physical, in my experience,, and caused more drama than I ever had with a female friend. I do have 2 straight guy friends and one bi-guy friend with whom I have a lot in common and who mean the world to me. None of them ever made advances. So, perhaps you're not looking in the right places to find like-minded female friends or are prone to see them as romantic partners, as soon as you notice you have shared interests and values? I don't want to jump to conclusions, apologies if I'm dead-wrong here.

[DarkWinterNights]

I think that’s fair enough. Even if I find a woman physically attractive I’m not necessarily drawn to her. If I find out we have similar values, beliefs and interests, it definitely seems to trigger a stronger level of attraction. But that’s rare. Most of my friends and I’s hobbies and interests aren’t very social and very male dominated so most women who end up getting included have ulterior motives themselves and just bring drama.

[Asker]

Honestly, I can relate so much to that. You could show me the most handsome guy, but just because I find him aesthetically pleasing it won't mean that I will feel drawn to him. On the other hand, relating to him and finding out how many things in common we have makes me feel much closer to him. Yet, that only happens when hell freezes over now and then. It's a very rare occurence and makes me wonder why we find it so hard to connect with others. But then again, I'd weigh my introverted attitude into it, so I don't run into many people outside of University and work in general. Sooooo... yeah.

[DarkWinterNights]

Definitely. When I was younger it didn’t seem so bad, but these days finding someone with similar beliefs is really unusual, tends to be surprising. I’m pretty introverted myself so I find public social gatherings like work parties to be very uncomfortable. I can do the water cooler talk but it’s kinda meaningless platitudes. I wish I knew how hard it would be to make friends of any kind after school. I’m pretty thankful to have a close knit friends group at all.

[Asker]

Yepp. It feels nearly impossible to befriend people once you're out of school. I only have one really close friend left from High School, but living in totally different places and working in busy fields now just makes it very difficult to stay properly in touch. In this state of life, late 20ies and early 30ies, friendship feels very reduced to messaging each other every now and then. On the other hand, it could also be an indicator that the old school friendships were based on different things than values and maybe didn't go as deep as we thought they would. I would love to make new friends, but new friendships feel rather fickle and fleeting.

[ChiTown33]

Genuine effort. If she's unwilling to put forth genuine effort then she's just playing games. A woman who is GENUINELY "into" you wants to understand you, she makes herself available, she is inquisitive. If she doesn't do this she's just baiting you. She's not into. She's just using feminie wiles trying to get you to be into her.

[Asker]

What would you consider "baiting", if I may ask further? I kind of read that as simply being friends with a guy is considered baiting - if that's not what you meant, apologies. Just want to make sure I understand correctly. In case of assuming there would be genuine romantic efforts from her side, I agree with you. She should communicate that properly and make it obvious that you are what she wants.

[ChiTown33]

I mean you can ask but I can't really answer because you know it when you see it. It's hard to describe. And those women that bait defend it simply because they don't even realize (many of them) how toxic they are. How do describe intent? See what I'm saying? It's less about an action. And more about a systemic behaviour.

[Asker]

I'd probably mark that down as a possible miscommunication between the genders that could occur? Like, if I would ask you out to go and see a movie at the cinema, it could be perfectly platonic from my side. But you, on the other hand, could still think "since she only asked me to go and not our other friends for a group watch, that could mean she's into me". Especially if that happens more frequently, perhaps?

[ChiTown33]

Well that argument might work if it were just you asking me out to a movie. But it seldom stops there. Women that bait guys typically use suggestive comments and probably the biggest telltale is excessive pysical contact. That's typical a clear sign you're not just a friend to a woman. But women who bait or simply lack the ability to have a "normal" healthy friendly rapport with men do this.

[Asker]

As someone with a diverse friend group and also family who is entirely comfortable with leaning against each other, hugging, cuddling and so on, I think that physical contact might be a very difficult indicator. Someone else here agreed with me that guys belong to the more touch-starved group of male and female and I've also heard it in anecdotes from acquaintances. And being the person who I am with my environment and upbringing, I'd love to provide comfort and affection for my straight male friends and not only my female ones - but here we find the issue. If I'm being affectionate, there's the risk of others reading too much into it and having expectations. I agree with the suggestive comments, though. That sounds like a very obvious thing.

[ChiTown33]

It's really not an issue. I'm suspicious of what that guy meant exactly by "touched starved". I don't think guys need hugs and whatnot as much as women. I think that's where you're making your mistake.

[Asker]

I don't believe you can generalize a topic like this, to be honest.

[ChiTown33]

I'm generalizing as much as you are. You want to believe what you're pushing so you're creating scenarios to fit what you want to believe. At the end of the day I don't care what you believe because reality will still be reality. And you either care about your guy friends. Or you consider them people to be played with, exploited, and then go on G@G and ask questions like this.

[Asker]

Wow, this took a hissy turn, didn't it? I was just making conversation but if you want to get your knickers in a twist over a normal talk like that at your age, go ahead.

[ChiTown33]

And there it is. She come out of hiding.

[ChiTown33]

Xper1 should've been my clue you were a troll. 🙄

[Asker]

Did you genuinely take everything I said in this thread as some sort of weird personal attack?

[TheSpaceGnome]

For me she has to actually come out and say she likes me/wants me, otherwise I assume any flirting or hinting is just joking around because all my friends make those kinds of crude jokes just for shits

[Staximus]

If she sits or stands really close to me and touches me all the time, or doesn't let go after a hug and just holds onto me, texts late at night or early in the morning just to talk to me, wants to hang out all the time, stuff like that.

[AlbantheGreat]

I think your male "friends" are into you because you're a female (most of men are straight, so they're attracted to women). Personnally, I think male-female friendship is awfully rare, it's more a cliché told by women.

[DarkWinterNights]

I do think it exists with younger people. In school I had quite a few strictly platonic female friends and even for a few years after I got out of high school. But the older I get, the less in common I have with women so I rarely get passed the simple acquaintance stage.

[AlbantheGreat]

@DarkWinterNights Personnally, after high school, when I developped a friendhip with a woman, we were dating after a few times (after, I didn't developp so many friendships with women, it clicked or not). But... things changed.

[magiusX26]

her to clearly state/say "hey i want to be more than friends with you". until clearly stated, she can always say he misread things. it also shows some actual commitment and accountability on her part.