Do I let him initiate all contact?

[Anonymous]

I really don't know what to do.

My boyfriend of 3 months wanted to think things through and possibly end the relationship yesterday. It was horrible. I got so upset and ended up asking him if we can give it another go because he does make me happy and I don't see why things can't work. I asked this several times then went quiet and just got really up set. He was crying too, he said that he does care about me and like me and has enjoyed our time together but he does not feel that he makes me happy and it is getting to him.

He said that we can try again but I need to understand that he does not want to communicate every day, that he likes to have time on his own and I'm not to worry because its not anything I'm doing. He said he wants to take it slow and not have sleep overs.

I have been hurt badly in the past, cheated on and abused. I feel so good with him, feel that I can trust him and talk to him. He messaged me first today and I waited for 2 hours before messaging back. I just don't know how to act.

What do I do know? Do I let him initiate all contact and meeting up? How do I make this work/make things better?

Thank you for reading. I will appreciate all help on this and need it. Thank you.

Updates

+1 y

I use to call or txt once or twice a day max. He knows that I have been through this and that I can get depressed.im just so confused! He said he does not want to communicate every day etc but then he txt me this morning when I did not expect it

Updates

+1 y

Even if you want a serious or long term relationship is it ok to only want to see a partner once or twice a week. I just want this to work but really don't know what to do. He said he does not understand how I can trust him when he hurt me.

Updates

+1 y

I do trust him. I've been able to open up to him and it feels so right talking to him. Shoud I leave him to do all the arranging from now on? He said we can do something Friday? Is it ok to message him that day and see that its still on?

[liquidlithium]

Your paranoid and its the main thing that pushing great guys away. I know this because I am the exact same way.

In my relationships I've been cheated on, abused both mentally and physically, and the worst of them all abandoned for no reason at all.

I know that I bring that paranoia into this new relationship I'm having, if he doesn't answer me within an hour my mind starts to race and I start making up reasons as to why. "Is he mad?" "Is he with someone else" "Does he not want me anymore"

And the fact is as unfair as all the things that happened to us were, its extremely unfair to bring that on a guy that had nothing to do with it, that's just trying to be good to you, and wants to make you happy. And when your unresponsive to that, it makes them feel like failures, and its bad for anyone to feel that way, but for a guy to feel like he's failing his woman eats at him.

You have to give him the space he asks for, he may be starting to feel smothered. And you have to try to learn to control your bad feelings, and you have to let the past go and fully trust him, or your relationship is doomed to fail. For the next little bit at least let him contact you first, it doesn't mean you don't care, don't play games either, don't wait two hours to respond because that's what he will start thinking, respond when he makes contact, but let him make the first move, let him set the pace he's comfortable with.

Allow yourself the chance of being happy again. Its a chance though, nothings written in stone, this may or may not work out, but you have to go into every relationship as a new person, take what you learnt from others, but don't make stereotypes on all guys because of it.

I feel for you hun because I'm going through it right now, this guy I'm dating is amazing, but I'm still so guarded because I'm scared to let the wall down, but the fact is, if I want this, I HAVE to.

Hope I helped you a little bit. And from the sounds of it, he sounds like a really good guy, don't push a good one away because of assholes in your life, your letting them win by doing that.

[katiekewl]

Great way of putting it.

[funkymunky57]

I think you need to work on your own issues - maybe he feels that when you are depressed (about past issues not him) that he is failing you as he can't cheer you up? maybe it upsets him. maybe you have been spending too much time together - I would suggest seeing a counsellor and improving you own life so that your boyfriend does not feel that he is emotionally repsonsible for you.

dont text him for a while. he will probably text, leave it a couple of days before texting back. go to the gym, or an evening class, fill up your time which will make it easier for you not to contact him. if he suggests going out, only do so if you have the free time, but if it clashes with your shedule say no and arrange an alternative time. when the alternative date comes up text the night before or call to say are we still on for 2moro?

if he says no, do not get upset, just say ok mention some of the things you have lined up for the week so he knows you have a life of your own. just say that you will call him soon, or he can call and say you goodbyes. you boyfriend needs his space and so do you...

[Rosieee]

I know EXACTLY what you should do...

Stop all contact with him for about 3 weeks (and don't give in!)...only contact him back when he makes the effort.

Relationships aren't about how much you can take but how much you can give...sounds like he isn't "giving" or putting any effort into your relationship...no one deserves that!

After these 3 weeks...If he hasn't made ANY contact with you at all throughout that time then you need to move on...no relationship can work when only one person is doing all the hard work.

Be glad that you got to know him at all and know that you deserve more then that.

Goodluck

:)

[tatata]

honestly, the best thing to do is tell him how you really feel. you need to let him know exacly what you just typed on this website. about not knowing how many times to text him or how often to call him because being confused doesn't help at all. since you were not even expecting his text message, you need to let him know that too. communication is key in a successful relationship. when he sees your own side of the story, he will work with you and you will know what to do at the end of the day and you wouldn't have to be confused.

[EasyEC]

Ask him for his help. Tell him that you want to be more accomodating but you don't know how. Let him do more of the talking/explaining. Your initiative and willingness will at least communicate to him hope.

I think your self esteem needs work. It sounds like the relationship would be smoother if you could get to the point where you could go a day or more without talking to him and still be convinced he cares about you.

[Shlei3]

Here's what you do, take it slow. It sounds as though you may be a little too clingy. Sending him a message once a day saying hi is fine. But calling and texting him all day long (if this is what you do) will make him feel suffocated. My feeling is that you have a tendancy to throw yourself all in when you have a relationship. It's great that you have passion but let it build. Do you feel like you try too hard sometimes?

[wally]

Agree with you, don't try too hard.

[Shlei3]

If you want a serious relationship but are only 3 months into it , once or twice a week is just fine. It's just the beginning so please don't try to disect every little thing that is going on. You will end up pushing him away if you do that. To be honest with you I don't think you are stable enough for a serious commitment. It's already hard to be in a serious commitment when you are solid with yourself so doing it with instability makes it that much harder to make it last.

[Shlei3]

Good gravy girl, your mind is racing here. Please take a step back, take a deep breath and let it go. If you feel like saying hi or suggesting a date go ahead and do it. Relationships are supposed to be fun not meticulously obsessed about. Again, I really don't think you are ready for a serious relationship.

[rwb0027]

Girls. It isn't the 50s. Please, if you like us, call us. Let us know. Do something besides sit around waiting for us. Sometimes we like to know that you are interested in us also.

[shoreline_shorty]

Relationships are meant to be broken. It gives you the power to find out what you want for the future. You date to prepare yourselves for marriage. After only 3 months you shouldn't be depressed, if you are really upset that meant you rushed into it too fast.