Girls, is it okay for me to ask if a girl (who I've been talking to for 4 months) is still interested in me?

[LCL44]

i am a 21 year old male who goes away to college 4 hours away. i met a 21 year old girl who is from the college town. we have been "talking" for 4 months now. "talking" meaning going on dates a couple times a week, going out to the bars together on weekends, spending nights together, and sleeping with each other. we have both been open with each other that we want to work up to a serious relationship. we are on winter break now and i am home 4 hours away from her. the week before break we went from talking all the time to, once break started, she has become kind of distant. i asked her if something was up and she replied with "ive been busy working, i sometimes just forget to text back, sometimes there's not much to talk about, and were far away from each other so we can't make plans or anything". I get the vibes that she is just pulling away from me and got the hint to give her space. I've left her alone since break started because i figure that she would reach out when she's free. she has replied to a couple of my snapchat stories in the beginning of break but kept it short. i texted her wishing her nothing but the best and that i miss her and im excited to see her when break is over for Christmas and new years and her replies didn't seem to match my energy. she didn't say she missed me back at all either time but she did say see you soon. i haven't texted her since and she has not attempted to reach out to me since (its been 2 and a half weeks since our last real convo). im not sure if im reading too much into it but she seems to be distancing herself from me or maybe even lost interest. im going to continue giving her space until break is over and then see where things go from there. i like to have very up front honest conversations about my issues with people just so i can get a proper answer rather than sitting around and trying to figure it out by myself. im just not sure how to ask without sounding crazy, needy or pushy or anything. any advice?

[Kida317]

Dude, I feel you so much! Been in her shoes and in yours too. My advice - don't put any pressure on her by having a "conversation", she will just panic and probably terminate whatever you have right now - not because she's not into you, but because she's afraid and insecure about the whole thing. I'd say, approach her with concrete proposal - smth like "hey! I wanna go watch this movie with you real bad!! Lets go today! I'll grab the tickets!" Make her calm down, close the distance between you, reassure her of your presence - and then try to talk. Good luck!

[LCL44]

i totally agree with making one last proposal and see if it goes anywhere. im just always very up front with my feelings and emotions towards people because i hate stringing people along and playing with their emotions and obviously im not a fan of getting my emotions played with lol. i hate that dating these days is filled with these mind games lol. I've always been super straight forward with her about what i wanted. the first week i started talking to her i wasn't sure if i wanted anything serious and i let her know that off the bat. she actually pushed me to be more open to the idea of dating her and seeing where things go lol. i ended up really liking her and i let her know I've changed my mind and wanted to try and pursue something serious and she agreed with me. this is our first long break away from each other (distance wise) so maybe this is just how she is when she's away but i really don't know for sure yet. ill reach out to her one last time when were back at school and ask if she wants to catch a drink and catch up on life or something along those lines and see where things go from there i guess. after that im going to leave the ball in her court so she can reach out to me if she's interested in anything serious with me still. i just hate feeling like im chasing her and being strung along but the only thing i can do for now is work on myself and do my own thing. thank you for your advice!!

[Kida317]

If having things straightened out is important for you - then if she declines your offer of hanging out - ask her what is her deal and have the talk. But ONLY then. Also, personally I think you should not "leave the ball in her court" but be more initiative instead. If you want to have a relationship with this girl - stop treating her like a casual friend and let her feel like you're serious about wanting to pursue her. No offence, but now it seems like you are trying to play it safe because of your pride. I understand you are afraid of feeling like a fool if you were courting her and she was playing you all along. But consider this. It's my understanding that you met on the ground were she was interested in you and open to the possibility of a relationship. But you said you weren't sure. She stayed nevertheless and was nice enough for you to reconsider your decision. I suspect nothing really changed between you even after you've told her you want to be together. So I imagine now that she's away she started wondering if you REALLY into her or she's just a convenient substitute. That's a common problem in relationships which had their roots in friendship dynamics. It's okay if you're feeling insecure about this thing, but be more compassionate with her - she's most likely not malicious but just as afraid of being played and hurt as you are. So please reach out to her and make an effort of being attentive. Talk to her even if you think she's being curt. There's no shame in trying. Even if it doesn't work out - you still at least will know why and would be able to say you tried.

[LCL44]

I've definitely been trying really hard since we discussed wanting a relationship. i let her know how much she means to me as much as possible and i show it to her through my actions when were together as well. i just wanted to leave the ball in her court because I've been putting in a lot of effort and she just leaves my messages on read and her feelings dont seem to be matching up with mine anymore. I've sent her a couple messages telling her i miss her, she's beautiful, and that she means so much to me and she literally has not said she misses me back or cares about me in any of the replies. she has also left the majority of messages on read andleft my snaps on opened. i feel like I've been putting in as much as possible that i can during a long distance thing and im getting little to nothing in return. its not a pride thing its just the fact that i dont want to be pushy and annoy her especially if my messages aren't getting replies to begin with. I've also heard that texting all the time is bad for a relationship and that people need space to add mystery and to give them time to miss you. i guess i shouldn't wait the whole 2 weeks to reach out and i should text her in a couple days letting her know I've been thinking about her and ask her how her break has been so far or something along those lines. i just have the mindset that i dont want to suffocate her with attention because it might push her away further if she actually is being distant on purpose. Also if she is being distant and doesn't want anything anymore i would rather know asap because i dont want to waste my time and would rather work on healing and moving on now rather then when im at school and have to focus on school work.

[LCL44]

but honestly you are right. if she is confused or scared of the fact that i might be playing her and i dont show that i care she will probably just drop me from her life and that's the last thing i want to happen. so thank you for changing my mind a little. ill definitely check in a few times just to let her know im not stringing her along. i definitely want to work on closing the distance rather than adding to it but i do want to give her space at the same time so im not suffocating her.

[LCL44]

lol i know i probably sound like my mind is all over the place and im sorry for the multiple replies im just trying to work out my best options. again thank you!! you're helping me a lot!!

[Kida317]

It's alright, you're welcome. One more thing tho - I can't stress enough the fact that texts and snaps do not qualify as "making an effort". Texting a girl a "what's up, beautiful?" after a week of silence... Not a very good move. The long distance isn't the excuse, tbh Have you tried skyping? Maybe you could order flowers or something tasty to her home? Do you have any artistic talents -maybe paint her something or write a song about her? It all may sound cheesy but honestly, even cheesy is waaaay better than trying to have a relationship on snap.
Make some tangible for her! Be creative and bold! Even if she won't like what you did - the effort you put in would mean something

[LCL44]

i don't have many artistic talents at all lol. i play division 1 rugby and that's about the only real talent i have ahaha. I could definitely try and think of something to do for her though. i would love to FaceTime her but i have no idea when she's busy or not because she isn't giving me anything to work with and i dont want to bother her while she's working or out with friends. i was planning on sending something simple and sweet along the lines of "hey, I've been thinking about you, hope your having a great break so far" or something like that. this is the first time I've ever done anything long distance-ish with someone so im not really sure how to properly show her i care other than verbal expression and its hard when she's not giving anything back. i truly appreciate your help!! you really seem to know what you're talking about ahaha

[Kida317]

That's a good idea actually! I really think that sending her something real, physical is very important! Long distance relationship might seem unreal and meaningless. Give her something to remind of your existence. It doesn't have to be expensive or anything, just cute and lovable. Find out if she has any hobbies or interests and try to appease to that. For example, I really like sea otters, I dunno why, I just do, they are adorable! I've got really expensive earrings for Christmas, but still I was waaaay more excited to receive a basic pj set with "otterly exhausted" written on it!!! Like it basically outshined everything else. Try doing something like this - make her associate you with positive emotions, dude)

[LCL44]

sounds like a good plan to me! she is like obsessed with this band and she collects shot glasses so i could get her a shot glass with the band logo on it. im sure she would be stoked about that. you're definitely pushing me in the right direction. even if when we get back she decides to move on that would definitely give her a good vibe and then i can really say at least i tried ahaha

[pleasestopthis]

Just give it time and distract yourself with other things. If you ask her she might not be honest and straight forward with you.

[LCL44]

yeah i know but she knows im very up front with how im feeling because i don't like to play games with peoples emotions and obviously im not the biggest fan of getting my emotions played with ahaha. so i figure she's probably expecting me to ask if things continue to be weird. but you're right maybe i should just cool it down and see how it plays out on its own and just move on if its not going anywhere. thank you for your insight!