Why do I fall for every girl I'm close with?

[Anonymous]

So basically I think I may be catching feelings for a friend. I'm sure y'all have heard this before. I met her in November and it's been nice. We have a lot of similar interests and our personalities are similar too. We get along well and we're just good friends I don't know. Now before her, I had another friend that caught feelings (it ended badly) and we were close just like me and this new girl. I'm starting to think it's a pattern than anything. I get close with a girl and then I catch feelings. But I don't wanna do that? It's really annoying that I can't just be cool with a girl, I gotta feel something every time. And the thing is I don't wanna be this new girl's boyfriend or fuck buddy or anything. I'm ok with just being friends. It doesn't bother.

The other day, she did mention that she was talking to this dude or that they were interested in each other at least. And I don't know I felt some kinda way about it. Kinda jealous which I thought was weird. I have other female friends and I kinda feel like that when they mention other dudes. But I don't know I felt this felt a little deeper. little bit. I guess I feel like that cause like no one likes me or if they do, I completely miss the signs cause of all my insecurities. That's whole different topic tho.

Hey I don't know this is a weird situation, give me some insight lol

[Anonymous]

You say she's really cute and crazy smart, so why don't you give yourself a chance and date her? When you meet someone who has a great personality and values, embrace that opportunity before it goes away.

As long as she's currently single, she's free to date whomever. Let's face it. She was into you, you were lukewarm towards her so she's now slowly looking elsewhere. Well, good news is you've still got a chance!

Strike while the iron is hot!

[Asker]

I mean we're kinda friends and I didn't really have a problem with that, that's not the issue. I want to NOT have feelings, I want to be friends.

She not interested anymore, trust me. I don't have a chance. She likes being friends with me and not gonna change.

[Opinion Owner]

Out of curiosity, why do you say you don't have a chance? Has she told you that she only sees you as a friend? Is she dating someone at the moment? If the answer is no to either of those questions, then you do have a chance. If it's yes to either of those questions, then it's time to move on.

I am only asking to obtain a bit of clarity - only you know what the deal is. Some girls can be shy about their feelings, so they will not necessarily say that they're interested unless prompted. Also, don't rely on mutual friends or co-workers saying she likes or doesn't like you as not everyone will confess their true feelings to mutual friends or co-workers.

How to get over someone? You need to heal, so I'd recommend you to distance yourself from the kinda friendship until you're over her.

[Asker]

... I don't like her

We're just friends. Like not just friends in hopes that something happens, literally friends. There's nothing to get over cause I'm not into her. That's not what question is about. Feelings are developing but I'm not trying to act on them. I don't want to date her. People think we're together cause we talk so much but we're not. I don't want that and neither does she. She's told me several times. I know people hide their feelings sometimes but I'm gonna believe her on this.

Now the kinda situation you're talking, I had one of those very recently and I broke it off a few weeks and am working to heal from it.

Sorry if any of this seems disrespectful or sarcastic. Not my intention.

[Opinion Owner]

No worries. All is good.

I'm going to be direct, I'm hoping this doesn't come across as harsh: So, whilst you are friends - you are developing feelings for this girl. When you develop feelings for someone that generally means you like that person. You don't develop feelings for people you dislike or don't care for.

She's told you that she only wants to be friends with you, thus distancing yourself from the friendship for some time will be your best bet to heal. Suppressing feelings doesn't work. It's about recognizing them, acknowledging that they're there without acting on them.

Just let her know what you're going through and that you need some temporary distance from her. A good friend will be understanding. She seems like a lovely girl, I'm sure she'll understand.

Wishing you all the best! :-)

[Asker]

I hear you and I know what you're saying might be a good thing to do, but I can't. I admitted that I had feelings for someone before and it just destroyed the friendship, we never came back from it. If I tell her I need space cause I'm developing feelings, It'll seem like I've been lying about only wanting to be her friend and I haven't. The distance will make things weird and I just don't think it's going to well. I don't think things can be how they were before once you admit something like that. Even if you're over it, that stays in other person's mind.

[Opinion Owner]

Sorry to hear that it destroyed your previous friendship. In my case, a guy was into me but I wasn't. We still hung out afterwards, mainly in groups. We were never that close though, so that might make a big difference. A healthy distance generally heals the heart, but I hear you. :-)

I hope it all works out for you both!

[jennifer_bloom]

Either you don’t know how to be just friends with a girl or you are so starved of female affection you try to turn every close female friend into a girlfriend - you should consider not being friends with woman if this is your problem

[Asker]

I think you hit the nail on the head

I'm very starved for female affection and it causes me to act like this. I don't really date either. I hear you, I do, but I rather not do that. I want to be just friends with women, trying to be with every woman you know is weird and creepy. I'd rather work on this than stop being friends with the women I know. They're honestly some of the best friends I've ever had.

[jennifer_bloom]

You might tone down your affection for woman with experience being around them - I heard nudists who see naked girls at nude beaches no longer feel sexual attraction when they see naked girls since they see it all the time but porn on the other hand is addictive so I’m not recommending that - my point is - you might stop wanting to date your friends when you make enough female friends and adapt to not dating them while being their friend.

[jennifer_bloom]

I’m sorry for the example - I’m not trying to be vulgar - I’m just saying desensitization happens with repeated romantic negation and exposure and social distancing

[Asker]

That's honestly a really good idea. I have a good amount of them already, most of my friends are girls. You think I'd be use to them by now, but this just started like roughly two years ago. Before , like in high school and before college, I was mostly friends with all guys, girls here and there, we talked a lot but I was never as close with them as I was my guy friends. So I guess this is all new to me.

[Asker]

Yeah no it's fine lol I'm not offended, I understood what you meant

[jennifer_bloom]

I think another issue is if you unintentionally objectify your female friends or base your connections with them based on their sex appeal such as being friends with a lady because you like her appearance or charm or demeanour or secret traits like her body - like ask yourself - if this girl was ugly and 80 years old but had the exact same personality and intelligence and health - would you be friends with her? That will tell you your motives - whether they are platonic or aesthetic

[Asker]

Damn you're really getting it. These are things that I knew but wouldn't admit to myself cause I felt bad about it. I don't think I would. A lot of female friends are pretty, even if I'm attracted to all of them, I can acknowledge that they are attractive women. Even if it wasn't intentional and I wanted to be platonic, I do think I'm looking at aesthetics more.

[jennifer_bloom]

I was like that too at your age - you grow out of it if you learn to judge by character - I'm not saying your future girl friend has to be hideous but you make smarter decisions in life quality when you judge others by how they act and treat you and not how they look - non superficial people are happier cause they don't tolerate good looking jerks

[Asker]

Right.

The last girl I was friends with and fell for, wasn't really a great person, but I couldn't see that cause she was soooo pretty. It took the better of a year but I finally saw her for who she was.

Also the current, who I wrote this post about, that jealously that I mentioned, I don't know why that was there. I felt like insecure and sad. I'm not as clingy as I supposed to be but I still felt weird about it. I don't want to date her like I said but there could feelings there. I dunno I guess like to be the only person anyone is talking to. which is never realistic and a very unhealthy view. I fear things between us will get weird if she start being more serious about him. I think that's prolly not gonna happen and it's just my clingyness and abandonment issues and insecurities talking. Even though I know she enjoys talking to me and enjoys my company and has told me with several times herself, some insecure part of me thinks I won't be enough anymore.

[jennifer_bloom]

Guard you heart because its possible to have feelings for somebody you don't like but somehow need or depend on or use for your self impulses - I think its insecurity - if you liked her - it would be more than just jealousy - you would find something about her that appeals to you

[Asker]

I think it's insecurity too. There are things I like about her tho.

She's really cute and crazy smart. Like it's amazing how fucking smart she is. I'm smart but she beats me any day, I've learned so much from her.

Funny thing I forgot to mention, is that she did like me, or was at least curious, when we first started talking. But I was really giving her anything cause she was texting me a lot and was just really interested in everything I do, she still is, and I have a tendency to sabotage things when I notice that someone is into me. So I wasn't really texting her with anything and the conversations were just dry (they're better now) and her curiosity just kinda died.

[sensible27]

I haven't read the thing but I would think it's because you don't meet many people so the brain raises the value of people you do meet, thus you end up liking them.

[Asker]

That’s very possible

[Gedaria]

Guys are generally wired like this I love being close to women.

[Asker]

I do too

I just rather be friends than trying to BE with them all the time, it's annoying.

[Gedaria]

Strangely I feel like that around guys.

[Iron_Man]

Do you not date much?

[Asker]

I don't date at all tbh. I'm too nervous to approach most times. I just assume it's gonna go bad. Like I said, no one is interested cause I don't try and if they are, I can't tell. There's nothing wrong with me, I know, I just can't muster up the courage to try.

[Iron_Man]

That's why you get so attached. Just take it slow with women and don't give your hear away

[Asker]

That's what I was thinking, if I had someone else that was interested in me, would I still feel this way?

I'll try not to.

[Iron_Man]

Yes you would

[Asker]

You're saying I would still feel this attached to her? I don't know

[Iron_Man]

If you were dating a girl and she really likes you, you would be attached to her right away

[Asker]

Oh right.
The girl I'm about right now isn't my girlfriend or even interested in me like that.

What I meant was I think I'm developing romantic feelings than friendships ones because she's a girl and I have no one else giving me attention.

[Iron_Man]

When you take on a lot of relationships or have one long term relationship lasting for years you'll change your ways and won't get attached so easy. Instead you'll become more picky and hard hearted amd cautious

[Asker]

I'm not sure if being hard hearted and cautious are good things.

[Iron_Man]

You'll find that out down the road the battle scars of relationships.

[Asker]

oh boy

[Iron_Man]

That's why don't be naive and give your heart away so fast. You end up hurt everytime in these times

[Asker]

I'll make note of that

[Iron_Man]

Cool 👍

[Anonymous]

Cause you're desperate...

[Asker]

wow thanks

could you elaborate at least

[TMcCaa]

Mommy issues?

[Asker]

Hmm I don’t think so..

I’m very close with my mom