My boyfriend doesn't believe me when I tell him he's handsome?

[Anonymous]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months and I love him a lot. He's very supportive and knows how to cheer me up when I'm down. Every day he makes sure to tell me at least once he thinks I'm beautiful or pretty (even when I'm a gross mess). And in return I want him to know that I think he's handsome, but every single time he just blushes says NO and insists he's ugly. Sometimes we do have fun going back and forth with yes and no, but sometimes when he's seriously down he really believes he's ugly but he's not. I think he's a very good looking guy, but he has low self esteem since he was bullied a lot in school. (He was that tall dorky shy kid who is awkward around people). And I wish I could help him realize he is handsome. My friends all think he's cute and charming, but he just laughs and smiles and shakes his head no. I mean, it's not ruining our relationship but I'm curious if there's any way to help him see what I see in him? Like, I can admit I'm pretty when he tells me and I say thanks or when I'm a mess I argue he's crazy. But every single time I say he's handsome he says I'm a liar and just laughs or shakes his head no. Is their a reason he does this? What's the best way to help someone with low self esteem? Will he eventually grow out of the self doubt?

[PostHocFallacy]

What might help is that calling him handsome is the most generic way you can call a guy good-looking, and I think what could happen is that as a guy he's so used to hearing it from others, that is just becomes a typical thing to say. Think about it, when men are young boys and got dressed up their mother would always say "you look handsome". It the same compliment you could get from random strangers, your 8th grade prom date, heck even a sister.

What I think you should try is a more personalized one that he hasn't heard before and immediately follow up with action. For example, want to boost his self image, instead of next time your at his place before a date or something and he's dressed up, instead of saying "you look handsome" when you first see him say "GOD, you look so hot in that!". Then proceed to make-out/tear said clothes off him/have awesome sex (fill in based off wherever your relationship is at). Just make sure you mean it and its genuine :)

[Scrambled]

Yes you can help him. He suffers from what I have. I struggle with women because I think I am ugly. I do gym and have a seriously cut body, shaved hair with relatively good features (been compared to military style looks). He has a "worthless" life schema. Im seeing a psychologist for this. Somewhere in our past, we were rejected or bullied or abused, so our childhood was spent believing we were not worthy. This unworthiness can manifest in many ways but looks in men are one of them. This negative trait sometimes gets carried into adulthood. So basically inside, he still thinks he is that ugly kid even though he really isn't.

[Asker]

Thank you for the input! Do you think seeing a psychologist helps a lot for you? He was abused a lot as a kid and actually developed anxiety and mental illness due to it. He's not currently seeing anyone... I kinda act like a therapist for him sometimes but I'll consider suggesting it to him if that might help.

[Scrambled]

The sooner the better. I wish I saw this psychologist years ago, it would have saved me many problems now. This type of thinking is in the realm of personality disorders and it needs a bit of cognitive psychology mixed with some social skill training. Just tell him you spoke to a guy with BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) and seeing a therapist really changed his life. Also tell him, the best thing a person can do is invest in himself and he musnt be ashamed (many of us have been there) and tell him you will support him to the end.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your opinion! I'll try suggesting it to him sometime because I think it would be good for him to rely on an extra person. But I'll always be there to support him.
I'm glad to hear you're getting help for yourself too. Keep doing you! :)

[Scrambled]

Thank you, but being me is not going so well that's why your bf must do it as soon as possible to avoid ending up like me.

[PiuBelloAmante]

you can not change the way he feels about himself, it must come from within himself...
He will eventually grow out of self-doubt or remain insecure until he is old...
Just keep encouraging and supporting him in any way you can, but he will have to make the change himself
good luck!

[rthomas43]

Maybe he just is ugly?

24.media.tumblr.com/.../...fuDiW1qmt85zo1_1280.png

[Asker]

I'll admit I got a chuckle out of the Spongebob reference. But he's definitely not what I'd call ugly.

[rthomas43]

Pics or bs.

[medical2523]

I can relate women say I'm really attractive but I don't believe it