My boyfriend had this 2 month online relationship with a drop out, unemployed, drug addict with zero aspirations aside from coke, MDMA, and weed. She’s also a year younger than me but looked so much older and uglier because of her worn skin. My man’s friends made fun of him because “she’s cooked and fat.” All she had was boobs and a bit of butt going for her, however, I have double Ds and a nicer bum. I don’t see the point in any of what happened. She was bitchy, self hating, depressed, and REALLY stupid. Like illiterate level of stupid.
In comparison I used to be a model, I have rowing and netball medals, I’m in the top 1% for academics in my country, I come from good genes, and I just got accepted into university with a scholarship. Meanwhile he comes from shit. When I started dating him he was addicted to drugs, academically weak, he was going to leave school by 16, he was depressed, and his family were a bunch of abusive crackheads. I still saw something in him though. I helped him get out of the situation he was in. He’s doing well now or at least on paper he is.
To be fair though, a lot happened to me during the 2 years of us dating. I started struggling with my mental health because of the verbal and sexual abuse I experienced by the hands of his family and some rowing coaches/boys. I also got raped by a close friend of mine which messed me up. I also had to get a spine surgery because I got so injured from sports so I work from home now but still try my best to stay toned. Yet, through it all I still succeeded in accomplishing a lot and overcame so many adversities.
When I asked him about why he cheated on me he said he liked how he had power over her because she was weak. He wanted to hurt her mentally. He never asked her for nudes or met up to be with her sexually by the way. He said he never wants to hurt me though because I’m the only person he loves. He wants me to be successful.
Do any of you have an explanation?
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by the way sorry I used a horrible picture of both of us we just don’t have many pictures together he’s not that sorta guy
Honestly, it sounds like your boyfriend is kind of a ghetto guy - a former drug addict and growing up in a bad family environment. He's used to chaos. And being with a woman who is more successful than he is will feel emasculating to him - a constant reminder that you are better than he is in a bunch of important ways. That's why he started dealing with this other girl - to feel like HE was the successful one for a change. To feel important. To feel like a man. I'm sure it didn't help that your situation changed such that you were harder to deal with (not saying it was your fault, but it's still the reality).
Anyway, the jury is still out whether he can change. You may have heard things like: "you can take them out of the ghetto/trailer park, but you can't take the ghetto trailer park out of them." That means you can't fix broken people - only they can do that for themselves, and they usually need professional help along the way. Your boyfriend is broken because of his family life and upbringing, and even if you don't see the damage on a daily basis, the damage is still there. Time alone won't heal it - he needs to work on it, and it's going to be a long and difficult process. Most importantly, HE has to want to change, and want it enough to endure the work and effort and discomfort of the process.
The harsh truth is that most people don't change, and they certainly do not change for other people - only for themselves. So in my opinion it's only a matter of time before his damage rises again, maybe in some other way, to sabotage your relationship. That's what happens. He's not really ready to be in a serious relationship - he's not mentally and emotionally healthy enough for it. It's like a person with a shattered leg - they may have a cast on it, but they really need surgery, and plates and screws, a few months to let the bones grow together, and then months of therapy to learn to walk again. Just having a cast on the leg, so that the breaks aren't visible, doesn't mean he's ready for a ski weekend.
This guy needs to be stayed away from. Neither he or his family have any respect for you, and now you will have mental scars for the rest of your life you will never be able to rid yourself of. The fact that he said he liked having the power over this other girl says if you stay with him through good times and bad (blah blah blah), he will do the same thing to you. But in fact, HE DID. He took control over your relationship by taking up with Miss Piggy, knowing your conditions. This guy is a down-right disrespectful inconsiderate LOSER, and you need to break it off, take care of yourself (you can't do that with HIM in the picture), and move on with life.
And you made no mention of if he has ever done anything to help you with your mental health conditions. So I take it he hasn't. You went over and beyond for him when you met him, and now everything you have done for him, he has slapped you in the face with. Janelle, you need to call this quits NOW, hun. Otherwise he will spend your entire life controlling you and doing even more harm.
Drugs do bad things to peoples brains, a lot of times they can relapse and become a different person entirely. They don’t see the wrong in what they are doing when they are high… it’s a really sad thing to watch. I’ve seen it too many times in my life, and I always fear my loved ones will slip back into old addictions. I’ve had too many loved ones lose themselves and never be the same person ever again. Your feelings on this relationship aside, what needs to be the focus is him finding a way to get sober again so that his FAMILY doesn’t lose him.
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His parents got him addicted to drugs and are major addicts themselves. It’s called chemical abuse. They’d pressure him from a young age. There’s a special place in hell for them.
You sound like you are going through a lot. Most guys this age are not mature enough to handle what you are going through. Its a way to avoid the pain you are going through to go with easy girls. Looks don't matter... as long as she is easy for him. Thats why. You both still have a lot of life to live, struggles to go through. This may not the your last relationship. What ever you do, heal from your hurt, mental health, physcial health... Continue to do what you are doing to build that woman in you. Best -
I dont understand why you are mad and bitter towards that girl, but you are not mad towards your boyfriend who was unfaithful to you. You are in a relationship with him, not her.
I just hate drug addicts in general it’s a personal hatred because they’re such worthless pieces of shit that try to get other people addicted to take them down and are just an overall burden to my country. I’m mad at the fact that someone abused by drug addicts and someone who used to be a frequent drug user because of them would then seek out another drug addict to then abuse her. It’s a weird cycle and really everyone involved should be in jail.
I understand. I am so sorry about everything you have been through. You are a survivor and you should feel proud of yourself for finding the strength and the courage to report them
- You are out of his league and he liked the feeling of being with a girl with whom he is the more successful, attractive person.
- He wanted to do drugs and is not being honest about it.
- He has horrible self-esteem.
- He feels conflicted or guilty and is self-sabotaging.
- He is a sadist and wanted to inflict pain on someone other than you.
The cause could be any combination of these or something else. Getting to the bottom of it will require more introspection and thoughtfulness than he seems able to handle. This is a case where professional help is needed.
As for you, you are playing fire being involved with him. His explanation for what he did is incredibly dark, yet his apparent inability to understanding his impulses shows he is either dishonest or does not know himself. Men who do not know themselves are best avoided. Even if he were a mentally healthy, strong young man (and he is obviously not), you put yourself in danger every time you interact with his family. You should never go near them again and request a restraining order to deter them from approaching you. Also, if your parents are even half-way responsible people, I hope you have told or will tell them everything you have mentioned here. You have gone through a lot of horrible things.
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Yeah my parents know and yeah that all sounds really accurate
I do yes. You know how he isn't that guy you first met any more? and how much he has changed? I reckon on the surface it would appear he has changed, but deep down inside, he is as messed up as ever! Also, I am very sorry for what happened to you, but it is good you are able to talk about it. As I type this, how is HE handling the fact you were raped? The reason I ask is because guys take it really badly too when their g/f is raped. It is partly to do with wanting to protect and partly because he feels something has been taken from him too.. I know I know.. it's YOU that was raped and not him, but guys really have a hard time accepting it too.
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He’s changed for the better towards me. I got him off of drugs and got him out of the fucking insane relationship he had with his parents. He was so supportive of me and still is, especially when it comes to overcoming the sexual abuse. He never blamed me. I think he’s had too much happen to him to be greatly hurt by the event or even surprised.
Well the fact that he cheated on you should be your answer to dump his ass , there is no excuse for cheating what so ever , so why he cheated on you is hard to say, but whatever the reason is your reason to dump his ass and move on, don’t ever take a cheater back into your life , they already proved they don’t love and value you if they can go screw someone else , Value yourself worth and realize you deserve better than that , Life is too short to be with someone that doesn’t truly love you , if they say they love you they are talking out of their ass , don’t settle for that , find someone that wants to be by your side and that values you , don’t be someone’s convenience
Drug addicts are people too, you have no idea what theyve been through in life, some aren't as good at coping with bad situations such as yourself , but your " I'm so much better then her becuse I have this and that makes you look truly ugly " She may not look the best, but maybe her personality and non judgmental attitude is what attracted him to her, because clearly your selfish " look at me attitude " is a turn off! You should work on that!
However none of what happened to you is okay and I'm sorry you had to go through it!
Once trash always trash hate to say it. He doesn't deserve you and I know he felt infurior to you because the fact that he said he liked having power over the woman means he doesn't feel power over you. A guy that needs/wants to feel power over a woman is a man that doesn't see you as his equal/doesn't have respect for you/ is a sadistic piece of shit. Ever heard of the saying misery likes company? That's the reason why he went for her and why she went for him. I'm sorry he cheated on you but it's a blessing in disguise.
First, he's just a cheater, full stop. There is no good excuse and it's not okay. Whether you should even think to forgive him is totally your choice.
Second, you have a lot of baggage, it's not your fault, but it will be hard for you and potential partners to deal with. I hope you can learn to cope with the past and be happy.
Third, that bit about him wanting power over this other girl and wanting to hurt her sounds super fucked up and It's a big red flag as far as it indicates his personality and mental health. What if he changes his mind, and he wants the power to hurt you? I think in a sense he already has hurt you.
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You’re right. Thing worst thing is a lot of my baggage was caused by his fucked up family. He has to live with the fact that he exposed the person he loved to such a toxic environment. His parents are creepy as hell not to mention nazis. I’m Jewish and his dad would say to my face that Jews are evil blah blah blah QANON. They drug vulnerable kids. His father would refer to me a “whore” and make these huge messes then yell at me for not cleaning them up because I’m a woman. One time I woke up in their driveway at 11 AM not knowing how I got there. They gaslighted me into thinking that the neighbours put me there after they raped me because his dad hear them talking about it inside his head. Creepy. I got the police involved and they just manipulated the police. Telling them I’m insane and a bad influence on their son. These people did so many drugs they’d hear voices in the walls. It was an overall bad situation.
I'm not calling you a liar, but that story is so fucked up it's hard for me to accept as reality. You need to get away from this dude and his family ASAP. They will certainly ruin your life if you let them, and it seems they've already started to do it. A man who loved you wouldn't expose you to that environment, EVER.
Behaviour like that is common in my country. I know a few girls who have been sexually abused by adult men. If any country has a rape culture it’s definitely mine. It has a lot to do with substance abuse. Anyway, we both left that situation and both are trying to recover from it.
Geez, what country? (if you don't mind disclosing). If you're trying to stay with this guy do so at your own risk, his actions are suspect to me. NEVER go see his family ever again, they sound like destructive monsters who can only do bad for you. Also, don't tolerate this dude cheating on you, or acting abusive in any way. You're intelligent and pretty enough to replace him with someone better in relatively short order. I hope you do well in college, don't let dangerous idiots get in your way. They will pull you down to their level out of envy and spite, people do it all the time.
We’re both going to university next year so we’ll be very far away from them. He agreed to always keep it that way. When it comes to exposing me to it it’s complicated. Like I said, behaviours such as racism, adults giving kids (even young kids) drugs, normalised sexual advances, etc are common here. I grew up in America so I see things very differently. I had to explain to him that when your mother compliments you on having a big dick for a little boy it isn’t funny it’s disgusting. For some reason the government though the legal sexual age should be 16 so older people can get away with a lottt. There were a lot of incestuous undertones ngl. My man just started disassociating to cope. Like something horrible would happen and then he’d say he doesn’t remember and start rambling about how his dad took him fishing once when he was 5. That’s what 16 years of neglect, isolation, drugs, and gaslighting does to a kid. I’ve made a lot of progress with him. I do love him.
The most upsetting thing was seeing how his mother would throw him out of the house so that she could watch him crawl back. One day he didn’t come back. He wanted to live with me. So she started parking her car outside my house. Sending both of us threat information texts and showing up at random hours of the night crying like throwing a full on tantrum. She started telling him that his friends were rapists and that I cheated on him with this guy I barely knew. Literally trying to break him down and isolate him so he’d come back.
At one point I was so done and I wanted to leave him because I was mentally broken. This bitch forced her into her car (I was literally just 18 not a child) and started driving so I couldn’t get out and basically told me that I’m not allowed to leave him. Like made it seem more like I was breaking up with her not him.
Yeah that family situation is insane, avoid it like it's Chernobyl, perhaps even return to America to make some distance. I hope he treats you the way you want him to, don't take undue shit, or allow yourself to be controlled. It's your life, so if you intend to stay with this man I wish the best to you both.
Thank you. He’s not inherently a bad person. I think he went after her because she’s so similar to his parents. She looked exactly like his mother. It’s not an excuse it’s just a theory. He has a hatred for druggos because of what his parents did to him. He was pressured by them to start consuming marijuana by age 13. He’s genetically pre disposed to mental illness. However, so am I. That’s why I always avoided weed. He’s grown a lot. The fact that I can see that makes me reluctant to leave because without me he’ll be forced back to them. The job market is shit. He will have to go back and live with them. To me he’s an amazing boyfriend aside from the weird sadistic situation with that druggo. But yes, I would love to return to the land of the free.
In a nutshell, she does something for him that you don't.
That' doesn't always have to be a negative. It's not always something like "Oh you won't do anal, but she will."
It can be something totally not related to looks. Maybe you belittle him and she doesn't. Maybe you make him feel like crap and she makes him feel like a king. Maybe you look at him as if to say "Why aren't you better than this?" and she look at him like "I can't believe I get to be with you!"
Looks aren't everything. The only people who think they are, usually aren't bringing anything else to the relationship.
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That’s probably the truth. Honestly, he sounded like he was lying. I’m the type of girl who calls out bullshit and I’m not soft about a lot of things. I feel like it’s pathetic to call someone a king when they’re just not. Sorry to say that but a part of me hates him for what he put me through and how a part of him clings on to his fucked up pasted. My patience has run out. He keeps underachieving. I've told him to get better grades or I’ll leave him because yeah I’ve already gotten into university and I don’t do long distance. I’ve seen what men turn out like when their wife has a good job and they’re just a dead beat dad. I’m usually a nice person. But he’s made me lose my mind and it’s about time I wake up to that fact. I’ve never been a simpy girl and I think it’s pathetic. I believe there’s an undertone of “we’ve been together for a long time and been through a lot together so I guess I’m stuck with you”. Well that’s how I feel a lot of the time. He sees it differently because he won’t let me go. We’ve been broken up but he like loses his mind. I do love him but a lot the time I’m like “wow I’m really down this bad”. Then there’s the guilt that I’m his emotional stability. I used to be so much better before I was exposed to his whole situation. I feel like my worth has been degraded by his family. Yet, a part of me is also codependent just because I’m always used to him being there for me.
Well it sounds like you know exactly what he's like and exactly your own mind. You've realised that you can't force a guy to improve his lot, if he's not interested in changing and he sounds like he's very resistant to changing for the better.
But trust me on this, there are plenty of good guys out there who thrive and blossom with a good woman behind them egging them on and encouraging them to do better. And those guys treasure those women.
He probably related to her because she didn't have her shit together either and probably felt at her level. He probably thought that you're just "too good" for him and probably hated that you looked down on him. He also probably felt like shit with you, being that you had a better childhood and maybe a better chance in your life. I'm not excusing what he did, it was shitty. But the fact that you're focusing on the girl and her appearance probably also contributes to you be being shallow and superficial. I'm sure that could be another reason. You could have a pretty face and all the privileges in the world but then this shit happens and you get cheated and wonder why. Seeing as you went through a lot of your own trauma and pain, you don't need to be projecting your own insecurities into other people.
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I’m not privledged. I’ve always had to deal with a lot but I made my own success. It’s not superficial to point out that a crackhead is ugly. The question was why would someone seek out a weak girl just to make her life worse. He convinced her to move out and lied that he’d come live with her and just didn’t. He was playing her
I'm sorry that all of those things happened to you and that you had to go through that. Tbh, your boyfriend sounds like an idiot and I feel like you deserve better than him. If all he cares about is stupid drugs and wanting "power and control" over someone, then he should do you a favor and leave you alone. I promise you'll feel so much better if you get rid of him and his negative energy. Also don't pay attention to the comments calling you "unattractive" or "ugly". I think you look fine. So chin up, it'll be okay. 😊😊
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Anonymous
(25-29)
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I'm sorry but you kind of look ugly if that's your picture with your boyfriend. (well, sorry but it's my point of view, other's people opinions can be different cause beauty is subjective. ) And I'm pretty sure he wanted to cheat on you cause may be the woman you mentioned had a more charming personality than yours. (charming personality doesn't necessarily mean healthy personality) And even when he knew choosing you'd be probably a better choice, he wouldn't have wanted it at the moment, cause he preferred some sweet candy to a broccoli.
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I’m literally not ugly. I didn’t ask you for an opinion on my appearance. Ugly means incredibly unattractive and that’s just not true. I might not be your type but I’m not deformed or diseased. The question I was asking was about power and control. He wanted to make her hurt. He didn’t want to be with her and he didn’t think she was good looking. My boyfriend despises people who do hard drugs, he doesn’t like weaklings, and he didn’t like her. Again, he wanted to make this chick suffer. I just want to know why?
Oh, in that case, he is a scum. And he is lying cause guys don't have sx with girls whom aren't attractive. However, this inferior guy's tiny little ego was hurt. That's why he lied.
Because he was insecure since you are so much better than him and he thought that by cheating he can get back at you. I would give you advice to only date guys in your league (I mean in term of looks wealth and intelligence and success) all the best you can do way better I hope that you get a cute young guy in your university who would respect you like you deserve.
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Opinion Owner
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when men are not at your level you know what they do? They try to bring you to their level these kind of guys also try to control you and cheat on you so they can hurt you.
In comparison I used to be a model, I have rowing and netball medals, I’m in the top 1% for academics in my country, I come from good genes, and I just got accepted into university with a scholarship. Meanwhile he comes from shit. When I started dating him he was addicted to drugs, academically weak, he was going to leave school by 16, he was depressed, and his family were a bunch of abusive crackheads. I still saw something in him though. I helped him get out of the situation he was in. He’s doing well now or at least on paper he is. You were too perfect
It's really distressing to me that your boyfriend took advantage of this poor lady. She's had a hard life, going through serious issues and trying to get by, and he comes along to play with her feelings for a little ego boost. Just because she's not as smart or beautiful or privileged doesn't make her any less of a person, she's still a human being like the rest of us. I think the way he treated her is way worse than the cheating and I would leave him. Sorry you got cheated on, it sucks.
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She’s good as dead anyway. But yeah I guess so. From reading there conversations she chose to do drugs and leave school she didn’t have to.
Good for you? Just because you feel that your prettier than her doesn’t mean she’s worthless as a person and deserves to be emotionally hurt. Sure being a drug addict is pretty low and not thought highly of in society. He’s pretending to be single to at least talk to someone else literally anyone else (if this girl really is as ratchet as you say). Is this guy the love of your life? Don’t you think you can do better?
Because it's easier to flirt and it's easier to get into a relationship. Every single woman that i tried to date, they literally friendzoned me (And some of they aren't even beautiful at all)
Women are assholes to guys in general and one lesbian feminism that tried to be a man for a 1 year already confirmed that
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Well I’m definitely not an asshole. That’s why I’m still with him. Many women have to put up with a lot of shit and I don’t think a lot of men realise that. I think being cheated on and being hyper-sexualised takes it’s toll on the female capacity to have empathy for men.
Woman are allowed to friend zone. No one is entitled to a relationship. Consent needs to be two sided. That doesn’t make the girl an asshole. Those women may just enjoy your company but don’t feel an intimate attraction toward you. You should be thankful that women like you enough to befriend you, it’s a compliment.
Sorry if my comment was offensive But yeah, when i say "Women are assholes", i mean on these kind of relationship, which they are very specifical to chose his partner due the fact you just show to me. And yeah, consense is needed on both sizes
Get a psychological evaluation of your boyfriend.. I don't think he is the person you think he is.. You said you helped him get a better life.. Maybe that why is isn't biting you back.. Because he is getting advantages from you..
You don't see it.. But you are hanging on a cliff.. It's a long way down there.. I am warning you..
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Anonymous
(18-24)
+1 y
Every story has its three versions. Yours, his and the real one. Your story does not convince me at all because even though she was not a good option, neither are you. Just read how you express yourself about others, with such hatred and contempt within you and full of arrogance. Apparently he always falls for girls who are super toxic and not worth it.
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I’m literally allowed to condemn people who have done bad things. Also you’re a hypocrite because now you’re expressing hate towards me. Fucken communist, some people are better than others and thinking everyone on the same level is so damn ignorant. Drugs, abuse, cheating, and self-negligence are the marks of a weak minded scumbags. At least I have an ounce of pride about who I am. Am I not allowed to have pride in my achievements? Do I have to self-deprecate for positive attention? We both acknowledged that she was literally throw away trash and pointing that out is the whole crux of this issue. He felt like trash thus wanted to have power over actual trash. Also my story and his are the same. We both communicated and he let me reach out for the opinions of outsiders so he could better understand himself. He doesn’t understand himself. Boo boo cracker I’m so toxic when I literally saved him from the horrible situation he was in and stayed with him through everything because I believe he can be better. That’s one of the reasons why he loves me so much. Bitter cunt.
He answered your question - it was about power. Remember this quote: "Everything in life is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power". And yes, you are QUITE beautiful. Your profile pic is awesome. If it were me, I'd not be looking elsewhere.
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I wish sex wasn’t about power. That fact makes me not like it very much.
There are some instances where it's not, if you find the absolute right person. I wish you good fortune, because I know exactly how you feel. It's not like that in my mind when I have it either.
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