Girls, is it unattractive if a man isn't a protector?

[TomGarand]

Lemme explain.

See, after I leave from Job Corps for good in December/January, I want to get out there and date again. I'm looking for a serious, legit relationship.

The problem? I'm not a protector. A lot of men have the Hero Instinct--a desire to be a strong protector for the woman in his life. It's why a lot of men prefer short girls. On the other hand, I don't want to be in that role. I would HATE it. In fact, I've kinda developed a muscle kink.

My tastes in women reflect that. Personally, I find masculine traits more attractive, like physical strength, dominance, and general "tomboy" traits. So my ideal woman is strong, athletic, and can fend for herself. Basically, someone who might not need or WANT me to be strong for her.

So I plan on getting to a dojo, gym, or taking up a masculine, physical hobby next year. Not just for myself, but also in hopes of finding the Gorgo to my Leonidas (Queen and king of ancient Sparta).

But ladies, I wanna hear it from you. Is it a problem for you if a man isn't a protector? Would it bother you if a man didn't have the desire to be your hero?

Updates

+1 y

And I'm not saying I would NEVER help a woman who needed it (Such as while she was pregnant or couldn't lift something heavy). I would.

I mean, I don't get any satisfaction out of being a woman's protector. I really don't care about being a knight in shining armor. It does NOTHING for my ego, while other men feel good about it.

I'll help a woman who needs me, but I won't feel good about it afterwards.

[dustybiker]

Since you invited me to this.
For me personally it would be an issue.
I can handle myself it’s not about my own protection so much. It’s an actual personal attraction I have to guardian types.
Secret service, body guard movies are my likes. It’s not a dominant/sub thing for me. It’s a just a comfort to me to know an SO can handle really themselves, so I don’t have to worry about them.
If I didn’t have this in my list of things I look for in a partner I’m not sure it would be an issue. Hard to say.
Have fun in the gym, when you join, and good luck finding your woman.

[dustybiker]

*it’s just a comfort for me to know an SO.. (last nights update did awful things to iphone11…)

[TomGarand]

So you want a man who would fight threats alongside you?

[TomGarand]

I updated the question to clarify what I meant.

[dustybiker]

Whoops, sorry I missed your reply.
Yes, I like a man who stands up for himself, but professionally. Not just swingin’ it. Controlled/collected protection. It’s attractive.

[Anonymous]

I need a protector guy. I always go for them. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t feel good after being a protector either. I’m not physically capable of doing things myself sometimes… Such as lifting heavy boxes or fending off an attacker. If my boyfriend/husband feels like shit bc he feels “obligated” to protect me, then I would feel guilty for even asking or being with him. I don’t want that. I would lose my mind if I was put in a situation where I needed a protective guy and he wasn’t happy about protecting me. Like, seriously? It just feels insulting to me. I wouldn’t see a future with him. What about kids? Would he even protect the kids? If he can’t, thats a major turn off. No, stand up for your children. Stand up for your wife/girlfriend..
It’s nothing wrong with you, that’s just you, your personality, and preference.

[TomGarand]

I would protect my kids and stand up for them. But it's more attractive to me when a woman is strong enough not to need help. We can bring down threats together--especially if at least one of us is armed.

I assume you're not an athletic person yourself.

[Opinion Owner]

I understand wanting to bring down threats together, but for some people they can’t partake in that.

No, I am not, I am petite and anyone can easily harm me even if I was athletic or strong.

[TomGarand]

Ah. What about wanting a stronger girl who COULD fend for herself if need be?

[Anonymous]

No, I have no need for a typical masculine protector. I live in a part of the world where risks are minimal, and I don't live in fear, a strong man would not make a difference. I'd kinda find it silly if a man was like that xD.
But I do think it is attractive if a man helps where needed.. like family and friends, not just his partner. I think it is a good trait in general and I strife for that myself and also like it in my female friends :D.
I'd like a partnership where we are there for each other with our strengths, no matter if they are typical feminine or masculine for either of us. I have a good mix from both standard gender roles and also would prefer that for my man.

[laura123iu]

yeah if a man isn't a protector then i dont know what his role would be in my life. maybe different cultures reflect that. im Mexican and it's a huge turn off to not have a dominant guy, but at the same time it's not good to be with a toxic male partner. balance is good

[TomGarand]

And considering I LOOK for dominance in women...

[Ninaface]

Duh it's unattractive. I'm saying this as a tall, muscular, tomboy woman who likes short or thin men. Being a protector is a man's job, just as being submissive is a woman's. I'm not saying you have to, but the majority of men and women are happier like this. You'll be able to find some women, but its gonna be a lot harder for you I'm not gonna lie. Most women want a man, not a beta. And being a protector isn't about being stronger than a woman. Its about doing whatever you can to keep her safe.

[TomGarand]

... Well, that is gonna suck for me. Especially considering submissiveness doesn't attract me at all.

[Ninaface]

I'm not saying you can't find it. You can. I'm just saying that it will make the dating pool much smaller.

[TomGarand]

Well, it's still discouraging. I was actually considering trying to become more dominant to improve my odds.

[Ninaface]

Being dominant in the way I'm referring to isn't sexual, in case you're misunderstanding. It means just being more responsible and taking care of the woman in certain ways while she permits you more of the responsibility and listens to you when you're trying to do things to take care of her; to paraphrase. Which is why being a protector is a big part of that, being willing to sacrifice yourself for her and defending her. I see you said white knight. If you're talking about those men who come in on mentally ill young women or single moms then yeah that's not really what general women want either. That tends to be an unbalanced relationship.

[TomGarand]

I knew what you meant. I had/have no interest in having most of the power. I have no interest in being the leader. But I will take care of my partner and pamper them.

And no, I did not mean white knights, as disingenuous as they are.

[TomGarand]

And I assume that's STILL a big problem.

[Anonymous]

I don't NEED my man to take care of me. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. But it IS really cute and sweet when my boyfriend is protective of me in little ways, like lifting my bags for me, holding the door for me, or looking out for me in a crowded room. I would miss that if he wasn't that way.

[TomGarand]

Any advice for me?

[TomGarand]

Again, I'm not protective at all, and I look for physical strength and independence.

[Opinion Owner]

There are other ways to show you care, like getting her a thoughtful gift (something small like her favorite dessert or chocolate bar when she has had a bad day), remembering her coffee order and getting her a cup, planning dates you know she'd like, etc. For me personally, the protectiveness of my boyfriend is so sweet because he is not an emotionally showy person and this is one way he shows me he cares about me. But there are lots of ways to show you care without being physically protective.

[TomGarand]

That I can do.

[TomGarand]

How are you physically anyway?

[Opinion Owner]

I'm small (5'3" / 115 lbs) but I have a fairly athletic build. And I'm pretty self-sufficient since I've taken care of myself for a long time.

[PrettyPriya]

I wouldn't say unattractive, to me at least. Is it nice? Yes, but protection and the feeling of security comes in many forms, not just physical protection.

[TomGarand]

So you wouldn't mind if a man did not have the Hero Instinct?

[PrettyPriya]

@TomGarand

I'm going to say no I wouldn't. Hard as my current SO is quite big and athletic, so I have that protected feeling.

That isn't to say that if I was with someone that didn't, as you put it, have that "Hero Instinct" I would find them unattractive in any way.

As I mentioned, protection/security comes in many forms, not all of them physical protection. Example: financial stability and good sense gives me a sense from my partner gives me security that things will always be okay.

[TomGarand]

What about other women in your life? Would they be bothered by it?

[PrettyPriya]

@TomGarand

Hard to speak for others, but I would imagine there are friends of mine that would (just thinking of their personalities) and some that probably wouldn't.

Hard to put a percentage as I don't know their feelings for sure, but if I had to guess with my group of closest friends, it is probably skewed more towards wanting that protector type guy.

Just my honest opinion, without really knowing for sure.

[TomGarand]

... Shit.

[PrettyPriya]

@TomGarand

Sorry. Don't want to lie and give false info. Again, this is based on my opinion only of close friends. I would really have to ask them to know for sure.

[Cleo12345]

I can protect myself and definitely don’t need a man to do it for me. I therefore don’t need a man to be my protector as long as he does help me out if I truly needed and wouldn’t hide behind me.

[TrueConfection]

Yes. It's unattractive when your husband runs to the safety of the sidewalk leaving pregnant you in the crosswalk to face a speeding car alone.

[TomGarand]

... Maybe I should have clarified what I meant.

[TomGarand]

Just clarified. Read the update for more info.

[TrueConfection]

I don't have an answer to your update. Sorry.

[TomGarand]

And I assume you're not strong yourself (physically).

[TrueConfection]

That's relative. Compared to what?

[TomGarand]

... Nothing in particular. I was asking if you were physically fit and able to defend yourself. If you have a decent amount of muscle or not, that does help answer the question.

[TrueConfection]

My husband and probably most men could overpower me.

[TomGarand]

So no, not strong at all.

[TrueConfection]

Nope. I can't even lift my feet. Have ca nice day. 🤔

[Anonymous]

its kind of
But then it also depends for example some girls are outgoing and aggressive and don't like to be treated as someone who needs protection or in other words they like to be their own protectors so if you're going for someone like that then yess you don't have to the knight in shining armor and just maybe... mind your business in situations like that else I as a girl having tons of female friends personally think girls do like guys who behave protective

[TomGarand]

... I'm sorry, your grammar and lack of punctuation kind of makes this hard to understand.

[Toldol2]

Women are not little creature who wait for a man to save them. We expect love and loyalty from you.

[TomGarand]

So you don't need someone to physically protect you? Just you personally.

[bones_20]

Well as I am an individual who doesn’t need a hero or protecting, I would say no.

[TomGarand]

How don't you need protecting?

[bones_20]

Well that’s a funny question

[TomGarand]

Sorry.

[bones_20]

Are you insinuating that women are weak and need a guys protection?

[TomGarand]

No. I was asking how you are able to fend for yourself.