Is he cheating on me?

[Anonymous]

Hi, I am seeing a guy for just over 6 months now. We have a very intense communication since the very beginning: good morning, good night, all day long... We have done so many things together, to me he is a "boyfriend", but I understand his fear of commitment and we never labelled the relationship. I tried to bring up the topic a few times, but I see he is avoidant. He agrees he is avoidant too... Recently, I started being a little bit more demanding as I really want to know where I stand after 6 months of so much intense communication. I really want to make plans with him for the future, go travel with him etc. He is never giving me clear answers when I share that he is dismissing my feelings. I know he likes me, but this is not enough, so I raised the issues. We had some frictions and misunderstandings that changed the dynamics of our energies over the past 3 weeks. Last week he changed behaviours with me: delayed responses, not reading texts but yet online on another platform texting with someone till late or early in the mornings, he even changed his profile picture twice. Basically, he is doing everything he did with me online, but this time with someone else I guess. I have no facts. I am unsure how to bring the topic, without being seen as a "stalker". Can you please provide your insights and suggest some approaches?

[SueShe]

In your statement "... We have done so many things together", you leave it open whether you were intimate together. I would see this fact as a prerequisite for someone cheating on you since you are not officially a couple or in a relation.

As I see it, you put him under pressure to commit or at least to inform you about the way he perceives your status. Since he fails to give a clear answer, he is slowly distancing himself from you as I believe he does not want to commit.

Changing his profile picture is not a proof that he is "cheating". It simply means that he is stressed with your "relationship" and it is merely a way for him to take a certain distance.

Basically, I don't see much future with this potential relationship as I don't think that he will change his mind in the near future. It is up to you to know how long you are willing to wait for a change that is not likely to happen.

[Asker]

Thank you! Yes, we became intimate late, like 3 months in the connection. I took it as we wanted to build a good foundation first. And yes, you are right that he's been having commitment issues even before

[SueShe]

The only thing that will bring you certainty on what path to follow is an in-depth conversation.

Prepare a list of issues you see in your relation and next to each point, bring a solution that both of you can live with. Ask your boyfriend to make a similar list, independent from yours. Next you sit together and go over both lists and try to find a consensus that is acceptable to both. If you realize that there are unsurmountable differences, then it is useless to try to hang on because this will lead nowhere and you are just wasting the precious time you still have while you are still (relatively) young.

Good luck.

[Asker]

It is funny you mentioned that, because a few days ago I actually asked him to do a list with things he likes about me and things he doesn't like, and I said I will do the same. But the issue (and the strong feeling I had) escalated the same evening. In a conversation, he actually mentioned that he's been with another girl while being with an ex (that he sees her as similar to me in terms of deep connection). So he actually has a history of being a "cheater"

[SueShe]

I am sorry to hear that.

In my eyes, the case is clear. You are not going to get any positive feed-back from him and you are only harming yourself by staying with him and attempting to salvage something that cannot be saved.

He seems to take you for granted and if you give in every time, he will misuse this fact knowing that you will "forgive him". He is just playing with your feelings and you deserve better than that.

Even though it is a difficult decision to make, you must sever this toxic relation if you want to keep a minimum of sanity and regain your emotional independence.

[Asker]

Thank you, you are absolutely right!

[Jennylynnn]

Honestly, I’ve been in a situation like this. No proof, long distance, changed patterns… I didn’t really have to ask because I knew in my gut something was off and I didn’t want to live like that. I don’t want to chase someone.

You shouldn’t have to chase anyone or question someone, in my opinion. If he’s avoiding the question, it’s because he doesn’t want to answer it. I’ve done that. I’d say follow your instincts…

I think you already know the answer to your question. It just isn’t what you want… but you want someone to match your energy and he’s obviously not doing that. Tell him how you feel and if he doesn’t change, I’d move on. He may care about you and not want to hurt your feelings… but not necessarily want the relationship either.

[Asker]

Thank you... What did you do in this situation? How did you ask, what did you describe as a "feeling" from a logical perspective?

[Jennylynnn]

I noticed his patterns were changing. From talking ALL the time to only at night before bed. He’d leave his phone or if wasn’t charged. He overall lost availability and the eagerness to talk.

So I asked him what was going on… was everything ok.., then I got excuses about him being busy.

Finally I had to decide whether I was willing to live like that… I explained I needed more in a relationship than what he was giving me, or able to give me.

It wasn’t but two days later he was on Facebook posting pics of him and another girl. So, I am just saying you know I’m your gut… if you want it to work, you gotta ask him about it. If you don’t like his answer or nothing changes, then you are saying you are okay living like that.. him dodging questions and so forth.

[spartan55]

Sounds like he has had enough of you badgering him about 'what are we'. This is why you never go along with no commitment thinking he will change his mind later. Why would he at this point?

[Asker]

this resonates, thank you

[Guy13]

I think you are brave lady. 6 months is a long time and you are super patient. I hope this works out the way that you wish it too. Good luck 🍀

[Asker]

Thank you

[Guy13]

👍….

[joeldalton]

You never agreed to be exclusive, so he's not "cheating".

[Asker]

true! I thought about this too. I have no grounds for keeping him accountable to an "exclusivity"

[Jennylynnn]

This is true….

[Anonymous]

I see no future with this guy. I see nothing but bad signs.

[Asker]

:( I feel this too

[Iron_Man]

Have him tell you’ll find out eventually

[Asker]

Thank you

[Iron_Man]

Sure..::