Are lying and gaslighting the same thing?

[Anonymous]

So one of my best guy friends today whom I decided to stick around with despite what happened in the beginning did something wrong when we first met. Basically he was gonna turn 18 in a month and a half and was actually 17 and after countless times of me asking for his age and him kind of going around the question, he (under pressure I guess) answered 18 fearing I was gonna ghost him. He stuck with this lie for about a month even though I asked him sporadically if he was really 18 and sometimes as a joke. He always answered “yes” and once he answered “do you not trust me?” Even though he knew he was lying. Finally one day it was too much for him and he came clean and told me he didn’t mean to hurt me and that he was selfish in lying. He also said he understood if I wanted to leave and not talk. I was extremely hurt and mad but after a couple of weeks I forgave him and now 5-6 months later we’re best friends and continue talking every day and I trust him again as he has proven to me he was just scared and wasn’t really a compulsive liar. Anyways I guess my question is was this gaslighting or just a lie that went too far? My understanding of a gaslighter is a person who is wanting to gain power over the victim’s mind and have no mercy when lying so I don’t think he was gaslighting me as he was just trying to save his ass rather than controlling me. But just wanted to ask other people.

[FreedMan]

Merriam-Webster definition:

Definition of gaslighting
: psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator

I don't think lying in and of itself is enough to qualify as gaslighting. It's when he does it to fuck with your head and get you to feel like you're the one at fault or to make you look like you're at fault to others.

[Anonymous]

No. Because every woman lies. Not every woman gaslights. It all comes down intent. Most women just are operating from a different rulebook as men. Not everything they do wrong is intentional. Gaslighting is a deliberate attempt to skew someone's thinking. To corrupt his thoughts. Sure women want to change men. And they always think they're right. But that's a character flaw. That doesn't make it deliberate intent. Look at the person as a whole. And that will give you a better answer if they're gaslighting you.

[Asker]

Thank you for this it makes me feel much better. I wish you the best and stay safe

[Opinion Owner]

You as well.

[Asker]

Looking at him as a whole, he’s not gaslighting me at all. If anything he’s a very submissive person and too wholesome. I do not see him at all as a gaslighter. Hell, I don’t even think he knows what the term “gaslighting” is

[Anonymous]

If people said he was gaslighting, what would that mean for you? Genuine question, if you care to answer.

[Asker]

I would think not. That he wasn’t because he wasn’t trying to gain power over me or make me feel crazy. He was just trying to save himself from reject.

[Opinion Owner]

Then in an honest way, maybe that’s the best thing to stick with. Questioning his intentions now will just give you doubts and insecurities later. When you decided to accept his apology, and be his friend all these months, it was also a choice to leave the past in the past and move forward. Rather than backtracking down that road, I would say to go with what feels right in present time and go with that.

[Asker]

Thank you for making me question myself and reaching my own conclusions. I tend to overthink so that’s why sometimes I reach out to online questioning myself which is not the best. I thank you.

[Opinion Owner]

No worries love, you’re human and we all have those times! All I can really say is go with your gut, and act on what feels right.

[Asker]

<3 thanks!!

[Drumlin2001]

I don't know. I've tried to understand what gaslighting is but don't really get it.