Am I overthinking? what did I do?

Question

At my church my parents made some new friends, the friends they made have 2 sons and one day after service when everyone is hugging and saying goodbye he came up and hugged me. I was super shocked because we have never had a conversation so I was taken by surprised. I told him he dresses nice for service every Sunday (he does) and we had a nice interaction. I was just so surprised by the hug that I can I found myself getting slightly interested in him. Before the next Sunday my mother bought something for his mother and his mother told him to come to my house and pick it up. He walked in the house. He looked a little surprised, but he grabbed the item and gave me another hug. I understand he’s just being friendly, but here where is gets confusing, I missed a few Sundays and the next Sunday I went to church. He didn’t come up to me at all. He kind of stayed away. I was low-key like awe, I was used to his hugs. But I didn’t think anything of it, I missed a few more Sundays and after service today his parents came up to hug me even his brother hugged me, but again he avoided me.
I never once went to talk to him. I never once tried to hug him before this. He came up to me so now I feel kind of weird like what did I do? I feel kind of rejected even though I never made the first move.

You may think I did something weird, but I’m a very calm and collective person, but I do overthink in my head. What do you think changed?

SteveSmith1985 · Accepted Answer

Well, I don't think you're overthinking this to be honest.

I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to guess at why the change happened.

But I can maybe still give you a suggestion.

So, it sounds like, for him SOMETHING happened between when he picked up that thing at your house, and you going back to church after missing those couple of Sundays. I don't know what changed for him. But something certainly did change in his head.

Now, I can't be sure about this part (obviously). But his reaction would be consistent with somebody who felt rejected. To me, it seems like he is acting like someone would act, if YOU had clearly rejected him. He started out clearly hopeful there was something between you. He was all hugs and whatnot (by the way... that's not just being friendly...) Let's say you had said, "sorry I'm not into you... could we maybe not hug so much." THEN you'd expect a dude to act the way he's acting.

My hypothesis is, that somehow, he got the idea that you were rejecting him; and his behavior is merely a reaction to it.

More importantly, I have some advice for you. So, what it comes down to, is having an "open and honest talk" about all of this. Put your cards on the table, and he'll be comfortable enough to do the same. Acknowledge openly (at the very least) the change you've noticed. Basically, you ask if everythings cool, if you've done something to upset them that you were unaware of etc.

I can tell you. If you hit someone with straight-up cut-through-the-bullshit honesty, while showing a little vulnerability first... you will get an honest conversation out of 99.9% of people. Doesn't even matter the topic or situation. That shit works. And it'll work here.

So you can do it without acknowledging that you've got romantic interest in him... but I would urge you to just put ALLLLL your cards on the table. Let him into what you've been thinking (what you wrote here basically). Because if you do, I can pretty much guarantee you that he'll give you a full, true, complete answer to what changed, and where he's coming from. Your odds are very good that the whole thing is the result of a "miscommunication" of some sort.

Somebody assumed a sign or signal meant something that wasn't there. (whatever he thinks was a sign of you rejecting him... at least that's according to my theory). But usually, those open and honest talks at least leave you feeling zero confusion about the situation. You get all questions answered.

The more "honest" you are about what you choose to put on the table, the more thoroughly you can get shit figured out between you and this guy. But if you want to hedge, and come at him from a "friends" angle, that's still better than just letting things be weird between you.

Iron_Man · Accepted Answer

Well, thank goodness that you’re a girl I was starting to get kind of shocked, especially at church

Anonymous · Answer

Be aware that Christian people are flaky at best.

In_Trance · Answer

Yeah

Am I overthinking? what did I do?

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Am I overthinking? what did I do?

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