Well, a little over a month ago he told me “I made it too damn impossible for him not to fall in love with me” ok, we’ve been going on for about 6 months. I’ve not met any of his people. None of them. He has met mine. We talk everyday. I’ve not met his kids yet he always says one day I will or he’s sure I will. He’s never had a good relationship before. His ex wife was a narcissist which my ex was too. I asked him a couple days ago if he felt the same way he did before and he asked me why do I do that? And I proceeded to tell him that I just wanted reassurance bc he doesn’t like talking about his feelings. One night out of the blue he told me he was thinking and what if we did end up doing this what would we do about the kids and school. He would want me to move in with him and my job. I told him we would figure it out if we got to that point. He always tells me good morning and goodnight and he’s sweet, I just, I don't know if he’s playing me or if he’s just being super slow and steady, he says that a lot too, slow and steady wins the race. He drove all the way here once which is about an hour one night just to come to my work to give me a hug. Am I being paranoid? He’s always rubbing on me and hugs me so good when we see each other. When we’re together I’ll catch him looking at me then he’ll look away. I don't know. Does he just know how to play me or do you think he’s just taking his time to be sure of me?
1 mo
Am I being played or has he never loved someone before?
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If a guy isn't feeling a sense of love for you at the outset, he's either playing himself or you.
So to justify that, loving a girl isn't something a guy starts doing after dating a girl, he doesn't date into love. It's something he feels, mostly out the gate, he may doubt the feeling, meaning he may feel maybe its a crush, but he'll know inside he feels a sense of love for the girl. So the way it works, at least for this guy, is that you know up front if you can love the girl, the only element of doubt is will it LAST. Also, there has to be the worry for both people, if they will truly get on once they live together and experience each others deepest flaws (so the question is not when will he love you, but can he keep loving you when he's experienced the deepest you).
So, that being true, the only reason I can personally see for a guy doing what you say is 'stringing a girl along' until they find a girl they feel that sense of 'love' for out the gate, and they get a feeling they might be able to get it to work.
That said, I'll give various benefits of the doubt to be fair and impartial (as possible);
Benefit of the doubt one: Maybe he still remembers loving his ex and when they broke up he formed a steel ball around his heart, or at least the part of his heart she had (assuming he's not just a jerk). Now, meeting you, maybe he began to feel that sense of love but also in fear pushed that right down and tried to smother it because he feared returning to that bad relationship, and maybe over time he's experiencing de-ja-vu dating you which is making him merge his 'steel ball around loving' with his ex with you, meaning your doing stuff to trigger all the ideas and reasons he make himself stop loving his ex, practically.
Benefit of the doubt two: Maybe he comes from a pressuring family with "ideas" about "being a proper man", and those ideas are about fathering children and being responsible, such that the whole concept of love is subserviant to this sudo religious idea of 'a good wife'. Such a person would be not thinking about love and would see love shallowly as expressions of what their partner does for him that he can tick off on some list given to him by a preist of his parents as to "what real love is" and he's being a moron using that list instead of his heart.
Honestly, whilst I've theoretically encountered both types of the "benefit of the doubt" it doesn't look good for you either way, so either he's playing you or he's one of the above two whom you would need to love SO much in a one sided way JUST to get the treatment you deserve as a woman. Which to this writers opinion is a shitty deal. That said, its always a bit shitty being second and you both have (by the sounds) past partners and maybe kids, so that changes the whole deal really. It becomes more about practicalities than love, as you've both kinda shown you love other people, it just didn't work out. Its very "real life" but it does mean maybe you might both be operating in total mutual doubt due to the underlying itch that neither of you where each others first choices... so maybe its just best not to worry about love, aprechiate the good stuff and just try to fathom if he's serious about you and it looks like the answer is "No" unless he can pull his finger out and actually realise you mean more to him than he's willing to communicate.
Best of luck.
Based on what you wrote, it sounds his experience has scattered him, and he is taking it very slow. With that said though, who initiated for you guys to meet your people? I'm guessing his kids lives with his ex? If so, given their "relationship" of the past and present, it's understandable he wants to take small steps so he gets fully comfortable with you before introducing you to kids and possibly letting ex know about it.
As for you being paranoid or not, well, its understandable for you to feel something. I honestly don't see someone being paranoid nor whether it is wrong for you to doubt it all. You have your share experience yourself and in any given relationship, anyone should feel good and relaxed in it. Usually when the topic of "reassurance" is brought up, the partner quickly jumps into defence mode to rescue the situation. And nothing further comes out of it. Instead bring up every often questions to ask him where he shares his feelings. Where he needs to vulnerable and transparent. There are tons of questions for couples online, just pick something and tell him this is what you want to do, a given weekend. Have those intimate one-to-one moments so you hear him too and can understand him better and see if this is what you are looking for. Don't allow it to go another 6 months and have another "reassurance" talk. Because eventually you will just get tired of the situation and then it will be harder to patch things up.
Best regards!
You are playing yourself by giving him free sex without a relationship