My dad has NEVER told me that he is proud of me, or that he loves me. What am I doing wrong?

[Anonymous]

Never. Not one time that I can remember.

And it hurts, bad.

I live my life trying to please him with no success. None AT ALL.

What am I doing wrong?

I just want a nice relationship with him.

When I do screw up... he is quick to tell me off and ground me.

he tells me when he is disappointed, but never when he is proud.

Im afraid to talk to him about it...

What should I do?

I have good grades, I never get into trouble at school, I'm a super nice person, I always try to be in a good mood, I'm really responsible, and I try to keep him involved in my life.

Should I give up? because that's what I feel like doing sometimes.

Any advice?

thanks

<3

[Anonymous]

I know this is a bit late but I know how you feel. My relationship with my parents isn't good. I haven't talked to my dad in a decade and he's even blocked me on facebook and all my mom does is try to tear me down. I remember when I was 9 between switching new schools and not fitting in anywhere, my racist school teacher who hated me (and always belittled and degraded me in class ) and my mom who treats me like moron without a brain (her words) and her treating me like a dissappointment lead me into a depression to the point where I was suicidal and almost went through with it.

First year of university (first semester) all I did was study and do assignments, go to school study, get home study, Thanksgiving weekend I spent the whole time studying (with the exception of eating dinner with family). I got decent marks in most of my courses with the exception of one which I failed. When I told my mom about it she flew off the handle and went on about it for a week. I always had decent marks up until that point and it was the first time I ever failed anything and I felt like shit (my mom made me feel even worse). At the end of that school year I took the course again in the summer with a better prof and did way better.

I also at this time started hanging out with friends again on occasion while still looking for a summer job. I hung out with my best friend twice (he was the only person I hung out with wor the past year). My summer semeste rbegan in may, I hung out with him twice in June with a three week gap in between. My mom still found a way to hold it against me and make me feel like shit for hanging out with someone when I haven't hung out with anyone for a year. On top of that she also flipped out about me not handling a job (despite the fact that I did well in all my courses second semester and didn't fail anything while applying for jobs all semester). Things have been this way my whole life. No matter how small a mistake I make she always makes me feel like shit. I neve rhad a problem at school no detentions or suspension and never expelled. My mom never says anything positive about me.

I eventually ended up becoming emotionally numb. Her words mean nothing to me anymore and I had isolated myself from everyone. Lonely? Not really, more like solitary. life is kinda peaceful this way. I avoid my mom as much as possible. We'r enot close at all. It's best for my sanity this way.

[gotc147]

You're likely not doing anything wrong, your father is probably just not that great a parent.

I have had a similar problem with my mother, she has never once told me "go for it" or "you can do it", it's walways been discouragement, about everything.

If I had let her influence me I would not have my current job where I am successful and well liked. I would not have my car, which is a new car, I wouldn't have my dream and an idea of how to accomplish it, I could go on.

I basically cut my mother out of my life, a good portion of why is this reason. She thought that just taking me on tons of trips made her a good parent, it seems like your father thinks that just punishing you when you screw up makes him a good parent.

What you should do in the long run, that's completely up to you, good luck.

[JenCP]

I'm so glad to have the opportunity to answer this for you.

I'm now 44 years old, turning 45 in July. My father went to his grave, never having said he was proud of me, even though I accomplished much in my life. In fact, when I told him I was going back to college as an adult, he tried to talk me out of it, so I would save myself from the aggravation of defeat. Instead, I graduated -- with honors.

I learned a concept several years ago, while he was still alive, and I found that this concept is totally true. The phrase this person used was "love language." Apparently, everyone has their own type of love language. For some, they are very affectionate ("touchy feely"). This is their way of saying all those things to you. For others, they say it straight out. But others don't have that ability. For them, they show it a different way. Giving things is a major example. Child: "I love you, Dad." Father: "Here's $10." I know a religious woman who would not say she's proud of her son, even if he did good in sports, because she's been taught that people should not feel proud (aka "pride"), because it doesn't come from people. For some men who were not taught to speak it or act it, their way of showing love is by being stern. Being tough to children makes them push harder and do better on their own. For many men, I've seen where they believe that working hard, making sure his kids have what they need, etc., is how they show their love. I heard it said once, "I shouldn't have to say 'I love you'; my parents never told me, and my kids should already know." The daughter responded, "I'd still like to hear it."

I hope this helps. Please, remember to keep your eye on how you want your life to be. And when you have kids, make sure to say "I love you," "You can be anything you want to be, if you really want it," and "I'm proud of you" often.

(PS I'm proud of you for being willing to talk about this. I know it's hard. I've never been able to say what you just did. That's why I was happy to respond.)

[EatMyBubbles7]

I'm so sorry for your loss and thank you. You gave a good advice.

[chica1]

This is a problem with your father not you. It might be worth it to try and let him know how much it bothers you. It is then up to him. Some parents just aren't going to be those supportive ones. Hopefully your father can change but if he surround yourself with other people who can give you that kind of positive support. My dad was kind of a loser when it came to that kind of thing. In fact he missed my wedding and almost completely missed my wedding reception. What can you do. He sucks. I used my friends and mom for support when I was younger, now I have my hubby. Let me just tell you the love of true friends and family goes a long way to heal some of that ache. It doesn't make it go completely away but it definitely helps.

[BrennaLee]

Your not the one who is doing anything wrong. Maybe he can't express those kinds of feelings. Maybe, I know you said you were afraid of talking to him about it, but you can't just let these feelings get bottled up. Maybe you should just casually bring it up like when you get your report card say something like "Dad, what do you think? Are you proud?" Its sounds a little lame but it could work. And don't live your life trying to please him because you'll end up not pleasing yourself, and as much as you love him, YOU should be happy and please, and it doesn't sound like you are. Hope that helps.

[gotc147]

The problem with approaching a person about a situation like this is often the person doesn't think they've done anything wrong and denies it, and then it ends up in a fight.

He could say something like "I always say I love you and am proud of you" and when she asks him when he'd probably say something like "I can't remember a specific time but I know I do".

My mother pulls that on me.

[BrennaLee]

Oh that's true I didn't think about that

and what you said above is good, you have experience with it which is a good help to her.

[Hopeinthehopeless]

2 thoughts:
1) I am learning that I do not need to live my life trying to please anyone but God... and He is already pleased with us, because Jesus traded his perfection in for our imperfections (on the cross). God helped us please Him. He had many rules but He sent us His son, Jesus, who died on the cross for our faults.

2) I find that many of the people we try to please are the ones who withhold approval. In reality, these people are actually not pleased with themselves and thus struggle to accept others. I normally pray that these people learn how to accept themselves so that they can better accept others- as they are.

[Reeses-pieces777]

hey at least you have a dad

i don't. mine walked otu on me when I was like 5 or 6.

so just be grateful you have a dad

second

just be happy you have good grades and you're a super nice person.

you don't need validation from someone else if you're good. so there ^_^

[ggazelles]

A. You're doing nothing wrong. He may have grown up in a family where emotions weren't expressed frequently and encouragement was rarely given. This may be what he thinks is normal.

B. You say nothing about a mother figure or any siblings, but if you have them, try and talk to them about it. They may be able to help you sort through these complex feelings.

C. Talk to him about it. Tell him you feel sad that he's not very supportive and see how he reacts.

[music10111]

You know, a lot of kids I know feel the same way. I myself often feel under-appriciated for my accomplishments (honor roll, winning $50 in a poetry conest, etc.) Don't try to do things to impress him. Do things for yourself. And someday, you'll find someone else, who will see your accomplishments for what they are.

But that's not to say you can't have a great relationship with your father. Have you tried telling him how you feel? Or you could write it in a letter and put it on his desk. But you should talk with him; maybe he just isn't sure you want praise.

[soriana1022]

My parents are the same way... but they told me that the only person that should be proud is myself. Dont please others. They're are right it shapes who we are.

[JenCP]

PS I do love the idea of asking him. Don't say anything that puts him on the defensive. Instead, I'd go to him and say, "Dad that might sound silly, but .. are you proud of me? I'm not trying to be, like, snobby or anything, but I work hard for your approval and was wondering how you look at me." That should get the conversation going! :-D

[Donna123456]

He sounds like a narcissist. Check out videos by Dr. Ramani on narcissists on youtube. Also the video How to Change the Way You See Yourself by Rock Thomas, where Rock tells a similar, maybe worse story about his father.