Do you think my therapist is a bad therapist?

[Anonymous]

My therapist is almost constantly telling me I need to connect with people but I can’t do it because I find most people are fake and just waste my time

im in therapy for anxiety

I find people to be really just awful and I don’t want to talk to them in real life at all

It’s really making me feel uncomfortable and I am tempted to stop treatment altogether

They are insistent that I must connect with people and I don’t want to do it

I think it is a waste of time because I’m just going to get left on read or unopened

Is this a bad therapist?

Yes

No

[AmandaYVR]

Just like in any profession, there are people who are not great or good at their jobs, you can find better, on average. And on average, most patients go to three therapists before finding one they like. So, it certainly could be true, or true that this person and you simply don't, and won't, jive.

However, he/she insisting that you need to connect with people doesn't make them bad. Humans are a social species, and not only that, safety and security are hardwired into our amygdalas, and being with others is a significant part of that. The way that the world exists now, we don't need to have that many skills to survive. (Thriving is different, though, right.) Grocery stores and restaurants have abundant food, electricity and water comes with every dwelling, and the biggest problem is just earning enough money to pay for all the things that are available to buy. But our mental health is also tied to feeling part of a community, family, and social network. There are exceptions and outliers, but in general, people maintain better mental health and psychological wellbeing when they have at least one or more people in their life who truly care about them. Having someone to ask you, "How are you doing?" and really mean it, goes a long way into combatting individual loneliness and a sense of isolation. People giving to others, of their time and emotional energy, also benefits the giver, not just the receiver. So, it is said to be a win-win, mutually beneficial relationship.

But let's talk about you. You may be what some call esoteric. Maybe an acquired taste. You may not have patience, or empathy, or curiosity, etc. etc. about other people, and since you are supposedly chronically disappointed, you have made a - what you believe is - a logical decision to not try anymore. "I'm fine by myself," perhaps. As others have said, you may not be a candidate for therapy, then. It's built into their training and practice - people need a social network of support.

If you like the therapist otherwise, you could say something like, "Okay, let me stop you right there. I've listened to you, and I've heard you say this, suggest this to me several times, about me needing people in my life, and I did consider it, but honestly it's not my focus right now, and every time you bring it up, I feel like you are just wasting our time here. So, I'm gonna ask that you refrain from bringing up that topic anymore, until or unless I say otherwise, and we will focus on other things. If you can't do that, honour that, then I honestly think it's best if we part ways now. Because I'm paying for this, and I can tell you that I'm not going to do what you're asking, on this. My anxiety isn't socially-based. I don't really care about other people, or what other people think of me...

But now that I type this, I can see that the therapist will disagree with you. It depends what kind of anxiety you have. If it's generalized, that covers a lot, and can be significantly debilitating. People who have anxiety, say, for making decisions (worrying about making the "wrong" decision), may avoid going out so that they don't have to deal with those feelings. Which leads to agoraphobia, the fear of open spaces and people. Which leads to crippling social anxiety, whereby they no longer have the skills to communicate effectively or with pleasure, with people. This may lead to paranoia and lack of trust in people. Then confirmation bias sets in, where any person does even the slightest thing wrong, or says something questionable, and the person says to themselves, "Ah ha, I knew it".

Anyway, I don't know what's going on here, with your therapist, and with you, but sure, it's possible they suck. And it's possible (and more likely) that they are well-versed in issues such as anxiety, and no matter what you say in retort, they're going to continue on the path they have been trained to do - lessen your anxiety by urging you to slowly conquer whatever concerns you may have, which may also be overblown.

Generally speaking, anxious people worry. The way to assuage those fears and concerns is to slowly tackle them, one by one, by teaching your brain that some of them are statistically unlikely to happen, and in taking such a cautious approach, you are simultaneously eliminating the possibility of good things which could be a part of your life. It's a risk vs. reward calculation. But your amygdala has taken over and is trying to keep you alive and safe. Your prefrontal, grey matter area, which is much larger, and 'newer' in terms of our evolution and development, is fighting to gain control, and get power back from the amygdala. The logical mind knows that not all people are bad, not all people suck, and not everyone is all-good or all-bad all the time. Your therapist is probably trying to teach you that there exists the possibility of you being who you are, being true to yourself and your core values, while also not being a pushover who gets abused or taken advantage of, and you also don't need to live in a state of fear that you are offending people left and right. (Although maybe you are, who knows.) Maybe you hate diplomacy. Maybe you resent feeling like you have to cater to people's feelings and emotions. ? Everyone has to do that. To be anxious is to care. Maybe your anxiety is not about people. It's about... I don't know what. Work/career/financial instability/family issues. Who knows. But it's doubtful you will find a therapist who will isolate this to things that have nothing to do with people. It's often caring about what others think of you, not wanting to "embarrass" yourself, make a fool of yourself, perform, etc. etc. Not liking people is really a defense mechanism to protect yourself from rejection. But if you can fight that instinct, and premonition of outcome, you will be more open, meet more people, and eventually find those who you do align with. May not be often, but it will happen eventually.

[Asker]

Thank you for such an in depth analysis. The therapist does not understand that it takes time and effort to find good people. Also if you find good people they can be quite fickle. I require someone who is similar to me that has no deal breakers so to speak

The therapist means well and there’s no doubt they are trying to help but they don’t understand that so many people are just really egocentric and take offence at things which ultimately do not matter
I don’t hate people I am just fed up with how they prefer to remain in their comfort zone rather than expand it and how they get incensed or scared at things which are not worth it. Of course people all have different maturity levels and capabilities but the majority of people in my view lack the ability to just brush something off no matter what it is

[AmandaYVR]

I hear you. Isn't it interesting [disturbing] how many people talk of deal-breakers now? I see so much intolerance, boundary-setting, defensive/protective walls being put up, and paranoia, out there. I suppose it's a combination of fear (propagated by media and readily available, prolific technology, etc.) and lack of necessity to rely on one another. People are nuts. And annoying. I won't argue there. It's hard to find good people. All the good people I know say this. But I think we need to eliminate this all-too-common concept of 'red flags', and the quick elimination of people from our lives. This is not a comment to you, about you, it's just a comment [and rant] about society today. I don't want to let any more people into my life, either. But I simultaneously am sick of the lack of trust, and the intolerance of imperfectness. Such as you say - people taking offence to things. It's destructive. To society, and to individuals. Is it any wonder we're in a loneliness epidemic? Distracted attention spans, addiction to media, and intolerance. Perhaps not being able to brush things off is also related to a lack of internal confidence.

Anyway, hang in there, don't give up, keep trying. We might all be a grain of rice or a blade of grass, but individual efforts do make a difference, too.

[dustybiker2]

The best people to connect with starting off would be a cashier. Short and sweet homework. You have 2-5 min to turn their monotonous moment of the day around.
Ask how they are, let them talk, vent and feel better. Most people like to talk about themselves, so prompting is easy. "Had many grumpy people come through today?" Very little effort.
If you leave them with a smile you have improved not only yourself, but their day too... and bonus they'll pass it (sliver of happier) onto the person in line behind you.

[MrOracle]

I don't know whether he's good or bad, but telling you that you need to do things that are outside of your comfort zone is exactly what he needs to do, and you need to do it, or you are just wasting everyone's time.

Pretend that, instead of anxiety and whatever other mental health conditions you may have, that you instead had a shattered leg from a skiing accident or something. You did good by going to the doctors and getting some help - many people won't - but now your cast is off and the doctors are telling you that you need physical therapy to rehabilitate your leg, or you will never be able to walk normally.

You are refusing to go to physical therapy, because it's uncomfortable and even painful, and you think your doctor is a bad guy for telling you to do something that causes you pain. But he's doing the right thing, because despite that pain, you will never improve until you face it and come out the other side. Yes, it will be uncomfortable and painful and tedious and frustrating, but it's the only path to getting better.

It's no different for a mental health issue - you have to face up to it and do the uncomfortable, painful thing, and you have to do it many, many times - but if you do it, even though you hate it, you will emerge much better in the end. Or you can stay your same miserable self. That's your choice, but there's no easier way.

[Levin]

I think your therapist is like two steps ahead, in a bad way, with a lack of respect for where you are in the moment.

Should be focusing on the anxiety and negative thoughts. The action can come when you have reached some understanding about where you are first, and why you feel the way you do. Your therapist shouldn't really be telling you what to do, and should respect your 'frame of reference'. Which is probably the key part where it would seem they are going wrong on.

But of course, I don't have the full picture.

[Asker]

This is correct!

[Asker]

They have helped a little but now it’s at this brick wall with this constant talk to others and it’s like I don’t want to

[Levin]

There are different modalities in counselling and psychotherapy, and I would wonder what model your therapist is using. If you're from the US I understand they tend to use the person centred model infrequently. This is a more holistic respectful model that has fallen out of fashion there for various reasons. If you feel there is anything to salvage in the therapeutic relationship, then you should probably be honest with him or her about where you are now and whether there is any point in continuing. You might feel it worthwhile to find a therapist who you are more aligned with. Of course, any therapeutic relationship should have a healthy degree of 'challenge', however it has to be done in the right context and with sensitivity. Ultimately to make movement you will have to challenge some of your preconceptions, but from what you're describing it's not being done in the right way. If you say nothing can be done then nothing can be done. When I work with clients they often have high expectations of me, but honestly, 80% of the work should come from the client. There are no flashy solutions.

[JoePro_]

S/he is trying to change your framework of how you view people by wanting you to be in more contact with people. It has to do with "immersion therapy" and "cognitive behavioral therapy". Get you into situations that cause discomfort, and often enough, to where the discomfort goes away, and you can start building new feelings and beliefs. Not only that, connecting with people is also a therapy in and of itself. Connections are important to the human spirit, whether we believe it or not. That's why untouched/unconnected newborns will die, even if they're being fed, and why moms are encouraged to have skin to skin contact with her baby. Not only is it biological, but it's psychological and chemical too. In rat studies, you might have heard of the "Rat Park" study. Rats that are secluded are more likely to experience anxiety and depression, and subsequently try to cope with those feelings through drug use. But rats that are integrated into a community have the lowest rates of anxiety and depression, and even when drugs are available, are highly unlikely to use them, let alone become addicted to them. These are the same responses in humans.

[lightbulb27]

that statement alone is not bad, but if that's all they say, they are not helping.

they need to help you find the root issues... which would be prior hurts that have impacted you. basically lying and emotional pains and work on healing those. Key to that is understanding how you interpreted events and the lies in them.

When you are freed from some of those lies, find the truth and become stronger in yourself, you are free to connect to others.

I found great benefit in turning my life to Christ long ago when I had similar issues, specially fear of people... because I had been hurt by then. Christ changed my heart so I had compassion for others and so became interested in getting to know them.

Their insistence is one approach but you have some deep seated fear preventing you and it's from a negative viewpoint. online especially is bad place to connect.

connecting with real people in person, with common interests is a good way. baby steps maybe good.

emotional healing is in order.

[sawno]

Yes, its a bad therapist. I have been in a similar toxic situation, where i went to burnout coaching to try and overcome my burnout. My coach just thought I was a lazy loser and clearly let that shimmer trough but due to the circumstances I could not switch. The only thing she did was cause more damage by underestimating the damage already done to my body.

In your case its very similar, your therapist perceives an issue unrelated to your anxiety that she is insistent on. If the therapist was good you wouldn't be asking this question because either 1, they would have backed off and focused on the anxiety or they would have actually convinced you by approaching it from a direction you would respond well to.

[PetLover24]

@sawno - burnout is psychological. If you were experiencing burnout it'd be your mind, not your body.

[sawno]

@PetLover24 Wrong, but common misconception.

[BoopBoopBeep]

Why pay for therapy if you are convinced you know better than your therapist? Drugs work whether you believe in them or not. Not that clear cut with therapy. If you are convinced it won't work, a lot if it isn't going to work. If you WANT to be a shut in and have a job where you don't interact with society I suppose you can and should just do that, but if you need to interact in society then you need to be equipped to deal with that, no?

[Asker]

It is not that. The therapist clearly knows more than me. It is just that I feel this issue is being forced way too much and I don’t know why. Relationships bring their own challenges and so does even a friendship and I can’t deal with much

[art84]

I was in therapy for my teenage years and early 20's and it took like going to three different therapist before I found the right one for me. He was a Christian therapist who used the bible and would give me things to do when I felt anxiety like deep breathing and imaging what I am doing and positive thinking. Granted my therapist always pushed me to go and meet people and would tell me what I did differently each time I saw him. But I just couldn't do it as my anxiety was at an all time high even with medication that I was on at the time. I do agree people can be fake like those who pretend to be your friend and just use for certain things and whatever. But the thing is that if you put yourself to not meet new people then you will always be alone as you get older.

[noohair]

First, No person can judge if the therapist is good or bad. We don't know the facts, just your narrative. And not everyone is all bad or good. The only person you have any chance of changing is yourself. Your therapist might see you as isolated and fatalistic. You pay for professional advice. But you are not ready for change because you don't want to face that you might be wrong on some things. Save your money until you actually want to be better. My first therapist 40 years age called bullshit on me and said don't waste my time if you don't are not ready for the hard work of therapy.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You don’t trust anyone, so when your therapist doesn’t validate your obviously unhealthy thoughts you don’t want to trust them. Their job is to guide you, not teach you. Your therapist is doing their job, you just don’t understand the social constructs of smalltalk and would sooner call an indifferent stranger fake than acknowledge that you don’t know how to connect with someone because of probably a greater neurodivergence than just anxiety

[PetLover24]

What's bad about them?

You're in therapy for anxiety and they are trying to get you to overcome your anxiety by attempting to connect with people. What do you expect them to do? Draw unicorns & rainbows while singing a lullaby song?

As for who is fake & a waste of time. When you don't put in any efforts guess who is fake & a waste of time... and it's not everyone else.

[Sameone]

It's normal thing my doctor also tell me to do same thing
Because you have to talk to people not make them a part of your life or frands
For example me after when i take her advice i get more better
And if i have problem or something i talk to strangers in bar or street it's really make you feel good

[Paul09]

Could very well be. You'd have to find a therapist that understands your problem more. I also tried a therapist for like 5 sessions. She just told me to do things I already tried doing. Definitely wasted my time and didn't help. But I believe there's a therapist for everyone. Sadly only way is to keep trying to find that perfect therapist for you. If I ever go back, I'm looking for one that understands social anxiety. Or ADHD. Which I might have.

[JacobJordan]

your therapist isn't wrong when they push you to connect with people. you are however correct most people are fake and very tedious to deal with

[Kulotz]

as a person who has performance anxiety, the only way to overcome it is to go against my anxiety. the same in your case.

[Daniela1982]

Has he prescribed anti-anxiety meds for you? They might help. But if you don't listen to the doctor's advice, then he isn't doing you any good.

[HelpfulWoman]

you not being open to actually listening to the therapy doesn't make them a bad therapist. it just makes you the loser.

[andreasderjuengere]

Your therapist must only tell you what you want to hear.
After all, he/she gets paid by you. Directly, or indirectly.
Customer is king :)

[Peridot25]

Actually, it’s not your therapist. It’s you. I mean, what do you expect your therapist to say after telling them you don’t want to connect with people?

[Unycorn]

He is right but it is not easy to connect with people at all.

[jaskin777]

That how I am 100 completely . If u want to pm me u can I have anxiety n have a hard time connecting to people to tbh.

[CuriousMufuxka]

I'll most likely get shit, but any therapist is a bad one and people that use their "services" could blow their money wisely elsewhere. It's legal mental prostitution!

[laly520]

no
not a bad therapist
u just lack some courage but its fine
u will get there