Should the husband of a stay at home wife have any housework to do after he comes home from work or weekends?

[AliceM611]

I actually had an debate with a few other women who are stay at home mothers, part time working mom's and working mom's about this. Their reasoning was that while their husband is working they are at home working to so when their husbands come home they should be doing the household chores etc.

My argument was that if their husband is at work all day & they are at home all day looking after the home & the kids then by the time they get get home from work there shouldn't be anything left for their husbands to do except play with the children, eat his dinner and maybe give you a back rub.

Apparently because I have his clothes ready for the next day, his lunch made, our child looked after & fed, house clean, laundry done, beds made, dinner ready, grocery shopping done I'm spoiling & spineless. I mean most of what I do during the week is finished by 12-1pm, I can't work out what these other women do all day. Hell I often manage to fit in a snooze & some me time. They all seem very lazy, drink to much, take pills & are very disrespectful to their husbands when they come home, taking then for granted.

[DaveJord]

Here is the bottom line. Live your life in the way that you feel makes you happy, and do not get dragged down in the muck of what other people think.

When I got married and had kids. We looked at the finances. We determined that after day care she would make $400 extra. So basically, she would be working for $400 bucks, while the children were being raised in daycare.

So, she was stay at home mom for 12 out of the 24 years. She cooked and cleaned... and I went to work every day in the Military and put up with some pretty stressful bullshit, with 4 combat tours and the idea of me quitting my job was impossible. But she knew that when we got married and she had no job prior to that.

But as years went by, she became unhappy. Because she had this idea in her head, that even if I worked a 12-hour shift, that I was supposed to come home and do chores. This idea of hers got even worse as the kids become school aged. I would come home and make my own dinners, do my own laundry, I even had Jack and Jill closest so I could have some personal space, and we eventually got to the point that we had a 3-bathroom house. The master bath was hers, the 2nd Bath was the kids, and my 1/2 bath was for me, and I would clean it myself.

But she would find shit to complain about all the time, come up with project she wanted me to do on weekends, and then get pissed if I was just too exhausted to do them. When honestly there was no reason to do them other than her wanting me to do them. So, I would pay someone else to do things, repair things and even mow the grass. So even when all those things were being done, she was still pissed that I was not doing them myself.

SO PLEASE, stop listening to these loser freinds of yours that are free loading off their husbands and then acting like they deserve and are entitled to ever thing. Why, what is it they truly deserve because they opened their legs for a man. PLEASE, allow yourself to be happy, and stop letting other interfere with your own personal happiness. Cause I will tell you, no matter what these women are saying, I never respected my wife in the way she felt she deserved, because she had no clue how stressful my work life was for me, and how unbearable she made my home life.

As soon as the I retired from the military, and my youngest turned 18... I cut her lose. She never understood or appreciated what she had. But now at 47 years old, she has a real job for the first time... which she will probably have to work into her 60s because it's her only source of income.

So, ask yourself, if that is what you want... then get a job fast and build a career now while you are still young. Or make your husband into your door mat, and brag to all your friends about how you got your man wrapped around your finger. Because I assure you that you don't and it will only be a matter of time until the free ride ends, unless you respect and appreciate all the things your man sacrifices for you.

[RealMarek]

Truth.

[IloveWinters]

Absolute truth

[Flatmanlewis]

My wife and I have had this very same conversation. We seriously evaluated her staying at home while when the kids were young. If we had decided to to that we agreed that home was her job and bringing in the income was mine. We also agreed on a list of stuff that was my job no matter what - plumbing, electrical, and other home maintenance or improvements were my turf. All the routine domestic chores would be hers from the kitchen to the laundry room. Truth is the few times she’s had a month or more off she liked this life and mocked the self-aggrandizing women we knew who actually believe ‘being a stay home mom is the hardest job ever!” (Insert rhetoric about no breaks and 24/7 demands here.). My wife found time to work out daily, meal-prep, read books, visit friends, and maintain her home with time to spare.





My work has me on call, and I’ve been away for hours or as long as a few weeks with almost no notice. I’ll bring home six-figures guaranteed but I can’t do that and also come home to expect her to say “Tag, you’re home so your in and I’m done now.”


Making such life choices are tough and the pros/cons should be weighed out carefully. While we eventually didn’t make this choice it was hers to make and we gave it a few short term test runs.

[Screenwriter]

It's about how a couple decides to divvy up the chores. I think ONLY housework and hauling kids hither and yon and grocery shopping are pretty dull.

Sounds like some of these other women are DIS organized. But there is this: If a person lives alone, they have to cook, clean, grocery shop as well as work full time, unless they are so affluent they hire a maid to clean house and eat out every day.

I think lending a hand at home means a man appreciates what his at-home spouse does. There's nothing wrong with washing some clothes, mowing a lawn, putting dishes in the dishwasher.

I think it's a fact that it doesn't take all day to take kids to school, make meals, shop or clean house. But it's a lonely job and underappreciated.

Statistics show that an at-home mother or father saves the working partner $45,000 a year in child care and other expenses. Just as a woman, more than likely, helps her husband by being an at-home partner, she's not a maid or slave, just as he isn't a wave slave for her. Both support each other.

[AliceM611]

Exactly right.

[MrOracle]

"But it's a lonely job and underappreciated."

For women like the Asker's friends, having a full-time job and being the sole provider is a lonely job and underappreciated. Those women are literally discounting his entire job, and wanting him to do their jobs too, while they do little to nothing. That's the issue.

I figured this out long ago. Women like that only see THEIR work as work, and they see the man's work as "the bare minimum that's expected" and therefore it doesn't count. Nor do they count work on the outside of the home (the yard, the fences, the car maintenance, etc.) or the repairs and maintenance (electrical, plumbing, fixing or replacing appliances, etc.). Only traditional housework (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.) "counts" as work and therefore must be split or the man is a lazy bum.

This is all feminist crap that largely comes from TikTok, and is just another example of feminist women being miserable and trying to destroy the lives (or at least the marriages) of women who are actually happy, so they can join the feminists in their misery. Feminists are women's worst enemy.

[Screenwriter]

@MrOracle NO one is discounting men's work. But if women are actually being full-time housewives, as in cooking, cleaning, sewing, decorating, managing home finances, dropping off and picking up children, going to PTAs.

I'm not talking about women who don't put in loads of time. And I would expect the men to put in their extra time doing chores that support the household in their way, also. Slap some dishes in the dishwasher or some clothes in the washer and dryer if the woman is doing all the rest. Just as mowing a lawn, maintaining the car and doing whatever man-chores are around isn't much to ask for man or woman. No matter who works or who's paid outside the home.

True feminism allows choice on all parts and supports flexibility on all parts.

The problem with most man chores is that they're not daily or regular requirements where as dropping off kids/picking them up, bringing them to soccer, et al, are, as is cooking, cleaning for a family.

Feminism, true feminism, not some TikTok version come lately, is about achieving levels of equity. All the paid work shouldn't be dumped on men entirely, just as all the house work shouldn't be dumped on women entirely. Each couple has to work out what works for them.

Men's paid work has drawbacks. They often lead lives of quiet desperation. But with mutual support, this is ameliorated, isn't it?

[MrOracle]

The women being referenced - the asker's friends - absolutely ARE discounting their husbands' work, and are incredibly entitled and ungrateful.

We aren't talking about ALL women here - the Asker is clearly not one of them - but there is absolutely a subset of women who completely disregard their husbands. These same women don't want to do any work. They don't cook, they don't clean, and yet they feel oppressed and expect their husband to come home and do chores.

Don't pretend this doesn't exist, or that it's some story a man invented to attack women. The Asker is herself a woman, and she's sharing how a number of her friends think and behave. This is very real, and one of the reasons why so many men are no longer even trying to date.

Yes, there are GOOD women who appreciate their husbands and are very reasonable about sharing the work load. Such women are what men call "wife material". But that doesn't mean that the other kind don't exist.

[Screenwriter]

@MrOracle Not arguing that at all sir. There are slug-a-bed house fraus. It's sad if these people don't appreciate their men and expect to be coddled. Dunno where that comes from. Not the two working parent examples I grew up with before women were "liberated" in the 1950s/60s when I was born and raised. So glad I saw what I did. Good luck to all who didn't in carving out compromise and success.

[Rei13]

At the end of the day you need to live the life that makes you feel happy and fulfilled. If I was ever stay from home, especially if kids are in the picture, the majority of the child rearing and keeping the house in check would fall on me as that would be my job however when he is not working it would fall on both of us. He could still do the little things like putting his plate in the sink after he’s done eating but I’d do the dishes etc. If we had children whenever he is home we are both responsible for making sure their needs are met. It is unreasonable to not both take on that responsibility when you’re both present.

[AviatorTom]

After work, both partners can help with little things together, like cleaning the table after dinner. On weekends, he should be doing the things on his honey-do list.

It's important for the couple to establish some rules, together, about who does what.

[AliceM611]

So after a full day's work I should expect my husband to do another few hours when I've been home all day doing nothing.

[AviatorTom]

@alicem611 I certainly hope you've been doing more than nothing.

[CalmUntilAbused]

@alicem611

I mean... It's true that He might help with some quick and non-engaging chored like cleaning the table, and You might split the chores in the weekends so that He does not become the one to take You for granted, but other than that, Your take is flawless.

[CalmUntilAbused]

chores*

[Avicenna]

I would say no, but it's what the couple agrees on. Every couple's situation has its own dynamics.

[jennifer_bloom]

I think it depends whose work load is higher. If the woman has a newborn baby, her work load is higher, if her children are over the age of ten and healthy and well behaved, then his work load is higher.

[Oliverlogan263]

This is a complex topic with reasonable arguments on both sides. A few thoughts:

- A SAH partner's job is childcare and household management. If those tasks are done during regular working hours, it's reasonable to expect downtime in the evenings.

- However, raising kids is non-stop work. Evenings/weekends allow families quality time together which is important. Shared housework could facilitate that.

- Calling other women "lazy" or "disrespectful" isn't fair or constructive. Parenting styles and family dynamics vary widely. Judging others isn't helpful.

- Open communication between partners is key. Couples should discuss expectations transparently and compromises fairly, without accusations.

- Work-life balance is important for everyone's well-being, including time for self-care and relationships. Supporting each other through sharing responsibilities promotes equality and togetherness.

Overall, staying calm and understanding different perspectives is best. Focusing on one's own relationship respectfully is wiser than debating "right and wrong." With compassion, couples can find arrangements satisfying for all.

[AliceM611]

They are lazy. I'm not trying to be constructive only truthful. If yiu are sitting around watching daytime soaps, posting on Facebook and going to bottomless brunches all day while your husband is out earning for the family you are lazy and feckless.
A Mexican wife beside me is of the same mindset, when her husband comes home from work she takes care of him and when dinner is served his food is plated first.

[wolfcat87]

Agreed, some of them may do far less with their children than other mothers who actually interact with them all day. It's also calling all educators, nannies, and child care providers lazy for being paid to do the same jobs or less. Those people still consider it work.

[NathanDavis]

I think people should just make their own choices, for their own lives and their own family and households...

if a couple wants for the man to only work and the woman to do house chores, and they are both fine with it and it works for them, so be it...

if a couple wants for the man to work and also help with chores, and the woman wants to do house chores only, and they're both fine with it and it works for them, so be it..

neither of the couple has to change their ways just to please the ideas of people that are not in their life, house and marriage...

everyone is different... and everyone has to make their own choices for their own life to live... one thing though, if you are in disagreement as wife and husband, then the two of them should decide what works for them and what they are willing to adjust for one another... it should not be copying or letting others decide, because the other are living their own lives and their own choices and decisions, and not yours, lol

[RingOfFire]

"Should the husband of a stay at home wife have any housework to do after he comes home from work or weekends?"

In general I think that part of a stay at home person's job is to take care of everything that needs to be done on a daily basis to make the house trouble free for the partner who works to provide the income for the family. If they have no other job, that is their job. So the GENERAL answer is no, the husband should not be expected to do housework on nights and weekends.

However, there are exceptions. For example if there are physical tasks that she cannot do by herself then he can help. If she is ill of course, he can help. And there is no reason that he can't lend a hand whenever he is able because that's what partners who love each other do. But if he is working full time to provide financial support for the family, any work he does in that regard should be appreciated but not always expected by his wife. Similarly, she should be supportive of his job and his work in whatever way she can.

[JacobJordan]

Wife response: this is very simple. My husband will answer after me and below. My husband works every day currently he is putting a major addition on our house while I am responsible for keeping the kids busy. As he spends up to 14 hours working on this addition the very least I can do as a wife is make sure the house is clean, the children are clothed, and he has a cold (or hot) beverage and some good food. The husband's tasks around the house in a marriage is anything physically demanding (trash, yard work, clearing the snow, etc) and making sure his wife and his kids have what they need. It is a poor quality wife that takes the husband keeping everyone safe and comfortable making sure they have access to food, and clothes etc for granted.

For me personally I will certainly help with tasks around the house especially if my wife is sick but my wife takes care of most if not all of the house work while I take care of everything physically demanding. It wasn't really something we talked about. It just happens when both partners are comfortable in their own skin and don't have an ego or an attitude. People often attribute certain tasks to men or to women because 1 gender does them more often. No they are just tasks that need to be done. If your partner can do it all and does then good. If you do a bunch of it as well then good. The biggest reason why a lot of women get mad is because they have shitty friends who are single and miserable and run their mouths about how the woman is doing way more work than the man blah blah blah. I would challenge any of those women to spend 1 day doing EVERYTHING a man does from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep after that day. In near every instance where these things happen the man is bordering on inhumane levels of dedication and focus to make sure everything aligns to make sure his wife and family are safe, fed, clothed, happy etc.

[Anonymous]

I would say no. Unless! Unless there’s like 20 kids or something. But I know what you’re saying. Most of the time it does not take that long to get things done around the house. People these days don’t wash clothes by hand or even dishes. The monotonous part of it is folding the damn clothes. I hate that as well. Sure it can be a handful when the kids are small, but after so many years they go to school. W good discipline even at an early age kids should know where things go, basic stuff like dirty clothes. We had 4 kids, my girl had everything pretty much done by noon, one at the latest. In all honesty id rather be home “working” than out in the corporate world. At least I’m w my kids. Not many women like you, but than again a lot of families nowadays have to have a two income home to survive. As the father I wouldn’t mind taking them to things like sports activities, movies, etc. But if you’re struggling, sometimes what my mom did w us because there was 7 of us. Meaning 7 kids, she’d fill the sink w some water and soap, after we ate it was our responsibility to wash our own dishes. Which I didn’t like at the time but it was instilling responsibility. At the same time my mom always washed her dishes while she cooked. Because she always told me you’re not standing at the stove continuously watching your food cook so you have time in between to wash other things. Like a bowl you may have used to make cornbread mix in. So that’s how I do it now. I don’t like using the dishwasher. I don’t do much at the house right now as it is when it comes to cleaning the house or the laundry, even though our children are grown. I do however have a list of a million things that need to be done externally. So I maintain a “hundred acre” yard, not that big but feels like it. Trim our trees, get them ready for winter or summer, take out the trash, etc.

[MrOracle]

You have correctly figured out their arguments. They are lazy and prefer to shop, gossip, and search Tinder instead of caring for their homes.

Plus, I bet your husband still does household repairs and upgrades, takes care of the yard, and the vehicles - all jobs your friends don't count when looking at who does what work.

There are other women like you, of course, who proudly pull their weight and appreciate their husbands, but there is a large and growing number like your friends who have allowed TikTok to convince themselves that they are overworked and are slaves for being expected to do the household chores when their husband is the primary if not sole earner and works full time.

This is why a lot of men have checked out of the dating market or who go overseas for wives.

[AliceM611]

Yiu are exactly right. Excuses for being lazy and ungrateful

[mstbooblover]

In any case, it's up to the partners to decide who does what in the household. I know that keeping a household means already a lot of work to be done, and I guess that some men, back home from their job, will out of themselves now and then help in some way with the chores.

Mind nevertheless that curiously during her lifetime my wife didn't want me at all to help with the cooking, washing dishes, laundry and other daily chores, claiming this all was her job and share in the household, mine being earning a living. Sure not very original, but there it is, just the truth in my case.

Conclusion: in any case up to the partners to decide together who does what in the household.

[VictorMachiavelli]

Feminism has been telling women that they shouldn’t be expected to do all of the housework and that men should do their fair share. This makes sense when both people are working, but these women have taken that to mean SAHMs as well.

The thing is that long with that feminist mindset comes the idea that a woman shouldn’t do anything to make the guy’s life easier or for the pleasure of the man, because doing so is somehow degrading.

I also think that many of these women just marry guys they don’t fully respect and love. Like, that guy wasn’t their first choice, they settled, and there’s some resentment there. If you fully love your partner you naturally want to do things for them, if not you don’t.

[robhazelnut]

Expectations kill relationships. Men are not constructed to do little things all day long. If you want to weaken your husband, grow disgusted with him and then divorce, all you have to do is demand he have no rest until bedtime. He sure as heck will be less interested in protecting his wife- in fact, letting her get taken (or worse) would be a relief. If you want a healthy and happy marriage, then accept the work he does at his job, accept his protection, accept that he lifts heavy things including taking out the trash, and accept that he'll deal with spiders, demanding nothing from him. If you're having a hard time cleaning house, talk with him about ways to make it less messy without an ounce of extra effort.

[RavVid]

Quite simply the work of a housewife has been much reduced by men.

Washing clothes was heavy work before we developed clothes washers & dryers. Now the major work is taking the washed clothes out and putting them in the dryer.

Vacuum cleaners, hell we even have made robots to clean the floors.

I snigger at women claiming to have slaved over a hot stove because hot wood stoves finished at WW2 and have barely been seen since. Now there is maybe 15 min food prep and you select what you are cooking from a drop down menu and the oven cooks it perfectly.

It is quite reasonable to expect a stay at home wife to put in 8 hrs. It is fair that wifie get some some me time and a break from looking after the kids plus some adult time with the husband.

Really though the mantra of sharing household chores changes if the woman is SAH.

Sounds like you are doing an efficient job and a good housewife. Congrats to you.

[DJB72]

If he's solely responsible for the financial stability of the home then the wife is solely responsible for the rest. That's actually a pretty good split. Older children should be doing chores.

Physical jobs are his responsibility - mending a window, rehanging a door, fixing the roof, etc. but daily "domestic" work is her job - UNLESS she has paid employment somewhere else.

Of course the real butt fuck is that taxes and inflation have effectively reduced his single income below where most households paying a mortgage can live off one salary.

Get off grid. Keep chickens for eggs and meat, rabbits for meat, goats for milk and bees for honey, wax and everything else you can get from them. 250 square yards can provide all the veggies and fruit a family of four needs if you manage it right. 400 allows for chickens and rabbits.

800 and you can tell his employers where to stick the rat race - especially if you utilise horses instead of a tractor.

[RealMarek]

Trying to find the 50/50 or “fair” solution is destined to create arguments and hardly ever works. I think if a woman stays at home it’s unreasonable to expect a man to do half the house work, or vice versa. However, there are some tasks that are more suitable to either the man or the woman depending on the strength needed and what they are good at. Both people should be willing to help where it makes sense. There is not one clear cut answer and who does what might change with the circumstances, health, etc.

[wolfcat87]

House wife or stay at home mom? There's a difference. If she's a SAHM, then she's also working all day. Neither of their jobs stop just because one comes home from a job outside the house. If her job were also outside the house, they would have to share evening chores anyways. So, why would it change just because her work is at home?

[AliceM611]

If her work is at home, why has she not done it by the time her husband comes home?

[wolfcat87]

For the same reason why he didn't have it all done before he went to work or when he got home. Same amount of time in the house. Chores keep happening through each day.

[AliceM611]

Not in my house.

[DubiousIntentions]

If you were to have 3 or 4 young children who are not in school, then taking care of them all day is basically a full-time job. She doesn't have time to take naps or play video games. They demand her full attention. On top of that they dirty a lot of clothes so you are doing at least 1 load of wash a day. You fix their lunches and if you go grocery shopping you take them along. If any guy thinks that she is sitting and watching soap operas and eating bon bons all day, they should try doing it for a week by their self and see what they think then. I'm sure the mother would rather be working and getting a break from the kids.

[IslaTheWitch]

Isn't it both partners decision how they want to split work and responsibilities between them?

I could be seen as one of those lazy women. I hate household chores. But I'm a career woman and enjoy my work. So I don't really care if my partner will fo it or we will pay someone for doing menial tasks.

[AliceM611]

And that's fair. You are both working and divide up the chores. I still make him cut the lawn, get the cars serviced and so on. I still think I could do the majority of the housework and work. Yesterday I was so ahead of myself that I had a snooze at 1pm.

[IslaTheWitch]

It's also fair if woman or man don't like to do it. I don't get why anyone should be forced to do something they hate?

[AliceM611]

It's called being a grown up. If we only did things we liked to do nothing would get done. You might not for instance like getting out of bed to feed a baby but you know...

[IslaTheWitch]

I was talking about menial household chores. Can't see any reason to force anyone to do it, if I can pay someone to make it done.

[AliceM611]

If you are lucky to make enough that you can pay another person a wage to do chores that's basically 2-4 hours per day I say do it.

[worldscolide]

@AliceM611 you're correct. It's the same with my wife. I work 50 to 60 hours per week. My wife stays at home all day.. This is her choice, I never ever said she could not work.. But because she stays at home all day, she handles most chores save for cooking. I handle the cooking. If she had a full time job like me, we would split the duty.. But she does not. Anyone that suggests that a man who puts a roof over her haead, and food on her table, and is able to do so without her having a job, should also handle housework when he gets home is delusional at best and a hypocrite at worse..

[NYCQuestions1976]

There are numerous factors to consider. A few I thought of off the top of my head:

1.) The stress level of the husband's job.

2.) The size of the house.

3.) The age of the couple. If you are indeed 18 and already married as your profile states, then as an example, I'm sure you can probably run circles around most women who are housewives in their 30s.

4.) If there are kids.

5.) The number of kids.

6.) The amount of extra curricular activities for the kids, if/when applicable.

I'm sure there are more things to consider, but that's a good starting point for a discussion. Bottom line? Every person and every married couple is/are different, in different circumstances. It's impossible for there to be one big correct answer for everyone.