My boyfriend goes over to his female friend's house at least once a week to fix something, should I worry?

[MCKAH]

Hi,

My boyfriend goes over to an attractive female friends house at least once a week to fix something. They have been friends for about 10yrs and he says when he first met her he was attracted but nothing happened. They also go out to lunch and dinner on occasion. They took a trip to vegas at one point, but he swears nothing happened. I snooped through his pics (bad I know) but I found a bunch of pictures of her and some pics of them together. I want to know if there could be more going on, maybe they are friends with benefits. She has a kid, but is that relevant? Is this normal and if not how do I really know what's going on for sure?

[Warren]

I see multiple answers have suggested that you spy on him, I definitely disagree. While I recognize that it's possible that something is going on between them, were I in his position I'd dump you if I caught you snooping/spying on me. If you want to find out the truth, ask specific questions. What he's fixing, what tools he is using. Tell him how you're feeling.

You seem to dislike the fact that they spend time together, but you said so yourself -- they've been friends for a decade. I don't know how long the two of you have been together, but it doesn't sound like 10 years.. and even if it was, you have no right to dictate who he spends time with. Should he abandon all of his friends to rid you of your paranoia? Women often complain about controlling boyfriends who demand that they not spend time with other men. This is no different.

There is always a risk that your SO will cheat on you, and even if you do your best to keep him away from other women if he WANTS to cheat he WILL cheat. You need to decide if you can trust him or not. If you can't (even without proof of infidelity), end the relationship. Your inability to trust will only cause more problems down the road. If you feel you can, give him some leeway to be with his friend, and (again) make your thoughts clear to him. A certain amount of paranoia is acceptable, but spying and attempting to control his life is not.

Anyway. To answer your last three questions specifically, if he is cheating the kid probably isn't an issue, but if he's not cheating it could be why he's helping her so much. Kids break things, and a lot of things you buy for kids need to be put together. As a single mother, I imagine she doesn't have much time for such things, and even if she had the time she may not have the expertise. I think it's normal for a guy to spend time with his friends.. you just seem to be taking issue with the frequency (at least once a week) and the fact that she's attractive. I wouldn't see it as an issue unless he was giving you other reasons to make you think he was cheating. You can rarely know anything for sure, which is why trust is so important. If you can't trust him, you'll always think he's cheating. If you can trust him, you can trust that he's not cheating -- which may or may not be the case. But again, you can rarely know anything for sure.

[l-hedoniste]

On the one hand, you know her, she knows you, nothing's being hidden On the other, who knows what he's fixing at her place. Every. Single. Week.

Clearly he's not planning to leave you for her--he could have done that at any time. And the kid is relevant: either he doesn't want to be a father, or she doesn't want him as a father. It could easily be an FWB; a dude with a hot friend who needs f*cking puts himself to service.

How do you know what's really going on for sure? Hire a detective and spy on him. Otherwise, you can tell him to dump the wench, you can just trust him, or let sleeping dogs lie. Really your call here.

[mrsvincenoir]

SUSPECT.

Not normal in the way he's going round there too regularly...theres only so many things he could be finding to fix,you know?

If their is nothing going on,i would be concrned about the feelings he may have for her-"attracted but nothing happened" ,hmmm.

Then again the fact that you say they have been friends for 10 years and aren't together...seems like if there was anything between them it would of happened already.

From a womans point of view id keep a close eye on it,ask him to stop "fixxing" things for her and see how he reacts.

Yeah that'd make me do a bit more digging for sure...could be innocent but all put together...if they aren't up to anything its a little bit too cosey.

[Warren]

From a man's point of view, keeping a close eye on him and demanding he stop helping her would cause him to label her a jealous control freak. "Digging" is just another word for spying, prying, sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Of course it's possible that there is something more going on between them, but if she has to lower herself to spying then it's obvious that the relationship shouldn't exist in the first place -- even if it proves him innocent. No trust, no future, imho.

[mrsvincenoir]

I totally agree-i should explain I didn't mean "digging" as in spying (she is not a child) -I just mean keep an eye on it as in been aware,and if her man is cheating on her I'm sorry but she does have the right to stick her nose in and pry.

As for "demanding",youll note I said ASK,not the same thing.

She has every right to express her concerns,relationships require communication-however chances are if he's up to anything he's not going to admit it anyway that's why she should watch the situation

[Warren]

"If her man is cheating on her I'm sorry but she does have the right to stick her nose in and pry." My point is that she doesn't know, so anything she does under the assumption that he's cheating would be unjustifiable once (if) he's proven innocent. 'tis like saying that it's okay to tap everyone's phone because someone MIGHT commit a crime at some point in their life, and then when you actually find a criminal you use that one conviction to justify the violations of privacy.

[mrsvincenoir]

Ok let me rephrase it-if she suspects her man is cheating on her,she has the right to investigate it-i am not for one moment suggesting she spys on him or anything bunnyboilerish like that,but I am saying she should try to find out,so she should keep an eye on it.

What,would you not? If you thought someone was cheating on you what would you do? Me,id try to find out.Id watch and see and be aware.

So yes I stand by that,if she has reasons to think he's cheating,she should stick her nose.

[mrsvincenoir]

-in.

"'tis like saying that it's okay to tap everyone's phone because someone MIGHT commit a crime at some point in their life"

OR its like saying you think someone has commited a crime and therefore you investigate it.

I get what your saying,but I'm only trying to say she should look into it and see.

[fdsa1]

I agree with the digging.

[fdsa1]

WTF ? "attractive" friend ? Let her get some other person to "Fix" things. "Once a week" She has a kid ? Oh man, woman with kid and him going over once a week. I'm sorry but I speak of experience as a guy, and that sounds suspicious as hell to me, not unless they were childhood friends...Snoop some more, I wouldn't mind my girlfriend snooping around my stuff, you can't really confront him when there really is no evidence at hand so that's why you need to. When men hide their cell phones and emails beware.

[fdsa1]

Let us know how it turned out, I'm curious now.

[NMMan]

That all sounds pretty suspect - I would confront him about this little "arrangement" as soon as possible. Going over to the house of an attractive "friend" once a week, taking trips to Vegas, seriously? His answers to your very reasonable questions all sound a little too convenient.

[larry69]

What is he going over there to fix? SERIOUSLY I mean if he is going to fix something it is probably her PLUMBING! If it is like 1 time a week that would raise my suspicions and especially if you found pictures of them together..I think he may be cheating..Hope that helps!

[1FastFC]

10 years is a long time, you should just back off and go with the flow .

things can only turn out bad for you because he won't pick you if you ever give him a ultimatum , which if you keep snooping around, this situation will probably lead to.

[petru]

10 years is a long time. They would have been together long before he knew you if they wanted to be together. Don't worry. If he just met the girl 2 weeks ago and he start "fixing" stuffs everyday, then, I see a reason for you to worry.

[Adidas12]

I don't know with all those facts. I guess you can see what you want out of it, but it sounds like he is spending more time with her than with you