Should I let my boyfriend stay with his female friend for the weekend?

Question

My boyfriend has a female friend that he knew from college. She lives about 2 hours away. Anyway, they often catch up every couple of months and he goes down to visit her. Something which he's always done before he met me. There's been no history between them, and he helped her though a bad break up. He's always said they've just been friends. Anyway, she's recently been in touch and asked if he wanted to come down for a weekend this month. I work some weekends so it's impossible for me to get time off.

As me and my boyf are still quite new in our relationship, he's not gotten around to telling her he has a girlfriend. Before I met him, he was single for 2 years.

So I'm torn. I've told him I don't feel comfortable with him staying over at his friend's house, and everytime they meet up they get really drunk. On the other hand, I don't want to stop him from seeing his friend... he doesn't have many. Am I being unreasonable to think this way?

iuoala · Accepted Answer

It is totally normal to be uncomfortable with that situation. You can try a few things:

1) try VERY HARD to get a weekend off and go with him, it will be an opportunity for you to meet his "best friend" and by the occasion keep an eye on whatever is going on there

2) suggest that you invite her over for the weekend instead. If that is possible.

3) if these options are desperately impossible, tell him about how you feel, and that you are uncomfortable with him sleeping over at some stranger woman's place with whom he will get very drunk. Until you personally meet her, ask him if he could just go in the morning and spend the day with her, then come back at night. As to her, he can tell her he has other things to do that night, or some event to attend etc if he feels uncomfortable with telling her that his girlfriend is not okay with that plan.

4) if that option does not suit you either, or him, she AT LEAST has to know of your existence. And it should be as soon as possible. And he doesn't have to show her that he telling her just to tell her, like " like hi, I want you to know I got a girlfriend". He should just mention you as soon as he can. Like "hi I am sorry for being late I had to drop my girlfriend at work or something"

She has to know that " the angel boy who helped her through her break up " actually has someone now so she should adjust.

And when he is with her, call him sometime during the day to check on him, and tell him to say hi.

5) if your boyfriend isn't fine with any of these options. If he can't take you, can't invite her to your place, can't stay just for the day, can't tell her about you, then something is necessarily wrong. There must be something he is not telling you. Then your best option would be to do some talking on what is right or wrong in each one's standards as it is very different. Talk about it and learn to make sacrifices to adjust to eachother if you want to make things work. Good relationships require sacrifice. Ideally, it shouldn't be family, friends or dignity, you just have to find a compromise and know what is the right thing to do.

Best of luck !

existing_not_living · Accepted Answer

1) You need to tell him that he needs to tell her that you exist BEFORE he goes to visit her.
2) You need to ask him to not get drunk in the presence of her. I don't think that's an unreasonable demand.

My best friend is a guy and this V-Day BEFORE I had gotten into a relationship with my current boyfriend, I made a pact with him that if we were both single we'd hang out on Feb 14th - NOT as lovers, but just as bff's who were single - and this is something I would do with a friend that was a girl as well so the only difference is gender. We were planning to hang out, but I had stuff to do so those plans were cancelled. About 2 weeks later, he told me about this girl he was seeing and how he wasn't all that into her and he didn't know what to do. I found out that he'd been seeing her since January. January! He didn't even tell me he had a girlfriend. I was so pissed at him. That's an example of a crap boyfriend (as much as I love my bff, he's an ass).

It's not always the best girl friend's fault why things go wrong.

I don't have many friends and all of my closest friends are guys so I'm always hanging out (in groups or one-on-one) with them. My best friend is the person I tell basically everything to. If I were to lose him, I'd be devastated. If you know he doesn't have many friends, I wouldn't alienate him from the few he is closest to.

Just tell him about your uneasiness and ask for him to do the things I listed up above. If he can't comply to those simple requests, then he's got something to hide. However, trust that he wants you and only you. If he wanted to get with his bff, he would have already - he had TWO years. However, he didn't. So don't worry. But I would let him go see his friend.

yunali · Accepted Answer

If you can't feel comfortable, you can't. Ask him to respect that and not sleep over. For example I would be perfectly cool with hanging out, but if he wanted to sleep at her place, or live with her, I wouldn't be comfortable at all and that's a deal breaker.

As far as platonic friendships go, I have a bff of 9 years, and know a few girls who have that and I mean JUST that, never-did-anything kind of friend we love as brothers. But it's not pure. It's never pure, pure is impossible. Even with the most you're-my-bro kind of friend, after all the years and closeness, there are brief moments you KNOW scream at you that that's a person of the opposite sex you're hanging out with. Of course you feel no feelings, or attraction, you don't even consider ever doing anything, but such a friend fills an innocent, yet gentle and intimate emotional need for companionship a friend should not be responsible for, but a boyfriend.

You as a girlfriend should be taking over his heart and if you feel uncomfortable with situations that can lead him into even moment-brief temptation, you have a right to impose rules on him. This is a two way street and demand your feelings be respected.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Not unreasonable. I have one male friend who I refuse to go home with alone 'cause of that complicated stuff. You never know what happens... I like to keep boundries. The fact that she doesn't even know you exist as in girlfriend is weird as well. If he is such good friends with her he'd tell her right away... in my opinion...

What to do? As others stated:
Either : A. Trust him and hope nothing happens
B. Don't trust him and get into an argument

It seems he feels different about the whole situation so perhaps you two are not on the same wavelength on this topic... talk to him...

rjroy3 · Accepted Answer

" I've told him I don't feel comfortable with him staying over at his friend's house, and everytime they meet up they get really drunk. On the other hand, I don't want to stop him from seeing his friend"

This is a situation where you don't "let" him do anything. It's his choice, but should you be okay with It? Maybe maybe not. This could merely be him transitioning over to boyfriend more after being single for years. As a single dude who has spent the night over female friends houses and nothing happened I can attest to that.

Personally I don't think you have anything to be concerned about. But the principle of this situation is that you're just uncomfortable with the sleep over. Maybe you should suggest to meet the friend so that you can feel comfortable with this situation. Because a large part of this is because you don't know her or their relationship dynamic.

As a baseline I tend to ask girls I date exclusively to just avoid situations that could look bad to an outsider looking in. If two strangers saw you two, would they think you're fucking? If so, then try and avoid that. That immediately cuts off a lot of grey area problems or weird situations. Like sleeping over the house of the opposite sex unless that person is like a grandma.

GingerGuy · Accepted Answer

You should trust you partner, however I'd be a bit uncomfortable as well. I'd talk to him about how you feel, in a calm honest conversation. It's sounds like they are just good friends, and although nothing has ever happened between them, doesn't mean that something can't. I'm not trying to make you doubt this more lol, but the best, longest lasting relationships are built on that solid friendship. She may have feelings for him that she maybe doesn't realize herself? I'm sure he means a lot to her regardless. I would also talk to him and make sure he tells her about you before he goes. This is hard to advice because I've never met him or seen the two of them together, or you two for that matter. I say use your judgement, and if you're not comfortable with it, talk to him about it.

RJGraveyTrain · Answer

I don't think what you're saying is necessarily unreasonable. I wouldn't be comfortable completely with my guy staying alone and getting shit face with a girl either. However, it really depends on your comfort level: if you totally trust him then by all means, let him go. If you feel like it's just not appropriate even if you do trust him, that's totally justifiable as well.

lacie92 · Answer

I have a friend- we've known eachother since we were 12 years old. he's been there through boyfriends, single life, marriage on both our parts- but since he got married weve been less close. We were always platonic (except maybe "practicing" in grade 8 but that was more clumsy and embarrassing than sexual) and none of our SO's ever had a problem, he and my husband can hang out when im not around, I could chat with his gfs for hours on the phone. Since the new one he doesn't call, our conversations are a little shorter and less personal when they do happen, and when we visit I've noticed no matter the combo, he and I are never left alone in a room together, whereas we used to take walks and catch up without SOs. I hate her for that. If he doesn't see it as an issue i dont see why you would. Unless he is directly keeping you from her or hiding things well, its sexist to say he can't get drunk with an old friend just because she has a vagina, and if he fucks her, he didn't like you so much anyway then.

Anonymous · Answer

A female friend of mine has a boyfriend and we hang out. With that said, when we do hang out it can't be any place where, from an outside perspective, it looks like a date. When I go over to her house we just sit out on the front porch. If he were to come over and saw that I was inside it would be awfully suspicious. If I am outside, it may raise some questions but it wouldn't be suspicious, and she won't allow herself to even come to my house. Even though she knows nothing will happen and I know nothing would happen if she were to come over and chill, he wouldn't know that. Even if he trusted her 100%, there's no way for him to know for sure. Like I said, we know nothing would happen between us but why put herself in that position in the first place?

So, I think it's a huge red flag for him to go to a female friends place. Obviously you don't want to get in the way of their friendship, but there has to be a line. If he has any respect for you, like my female friend has for her boyfriend, he wouldn't put himself in a position where you would even think that something might be happening between the two of them.

Anonymous · Answer

tell him how you really feel about it and show him how you really feel about him going down to stay with his female friend. if you show him or act like you're fine with it, he will think you ARE fine with it. if you show him you really aren't, he will know you AREN'T fine with it.

now, this might not stop him from going down, but he may call or text you to let you know that everything is fine.

i remember a few months ago my girlfriend was really uncomfortable with me going back to my hometown to visit one of my female friends i knew since elementary school but hadn't seen in about a year. so, to prove to her i still wanted to be with her and nothing was going on between me and my friend, i called and texted her often to let her know

if you're worried about them having a hook up or fooling around/him cheating on you while they're drunk, I'm not sure what to tell you because when people get drunk, they do and say things they never actually meant to without thinking

maybe ask him to call or text you every so often to let you know how it's going

BornIntoThis · Answer

Everyone here like "I know what's gonna happen" is probably retarded. I've spent weekends with my best female friend, we never did anything inappropriate and that was both when I was single and in a relationship. YEAH, men can have friends they don't want to fuck too.

As for the question, it's kinda odd that she doesn't know he's not single, but they're still just friends. I'm sure there are ways to tell her without it sounding like "Yeah I'll come over but don't fuck me", so he should subtly tell her. But as long as she's okay with that and is only interested in the friendship, let him go see her. Friendships are valuable and shouldn't be disrupted by relationships. Or maybe he could invite her, so you two could meet. Maybe you would feel better about her if you met her.

TheEpicIrishman · Answer

I totally respect your view, but if this friendship has been going on before me and you are absolutely confident nothing happened prior to you coming along, let him go. I have some very close gal friends who will stay over or vice versa and I wouldn't touch them for millions.
Before he goes, try sitting down with him and simply ask him directly about their past. Has he had feelings for here before? Has she ever expressed feelings for him? Has anything ever happened between them, even once?
If it's a no across the board, it's time to do the difficult thing and trust. I know that can be hard, I've been cheated on myself. But it sounds like you need to decide whether you trust him or not.

Tdieseler · Answer

I can't really be a spokesperson for this... because I've been on His end of the situation... and you say this relationship is new?
its a thing.
one... letting him go says you trust him, which is good
two... letting him go, knowing they will get drunk... whoo... I don't know. but stopping him will say you are insecure... and don't trust him. ruining your relationship.
Im always for the bad decision so you know what? fuck it... let him go... BUT do the girl thing... put the ball in his court... tell him that if he loves you, he should spend that weekend with you...
that way, if he still chooses her... well... go fuck someone else for the weekend, cuz you know they will lol :)

BrittBratt2416 · Answer

If you don't let him go, you get accused of not being trustworthy girlfriend. If you do let him go and something finally does happen between them or already is, then your a sap who's getting cheated on. I'm so tired of people say in "o you don't trust" it's not about trust, it's about understanding that things can happen. People seem to think JUST cause you trust someone, that people can't slip up or intentionally cheat. It happens all l the time. In my personal opinion, no, I would not be okay if my boyfriend/husband went away to spend time with another woman for two days. To me it's not considerate at all and is making you worry, even my boyfriend, who I just asked the same thing, said he would not be comfortable with it. Hanging out, getting a bite to eat is one thing, but staying for the weekend is another. That's just disrespectful. Would he be okay if you did the same with a male friend?

Dd125 · Answer

Do you trust him? Has he given you any reason to not trust him? How long have you been dating? I would be skeptical as well. However, if you trust him/if he hasn't given you a reason not to then let him go. A woman's intuition is always correct as well, and so if you feel truly deep down inside that he shouldn't go then I wouldn't. Then at the same a woman can't hold or keep a man that doesn't want to be kept. A woman doesn't ever want to envision her boyfriend cheating. If he wanted to step out on you, he'd have done it already. If he cheats, then he wasn't really for you in the first place.

Sluthater · Answer

Tough call. I can see you feeling uncomfortable. I would. But, in high school my best friend was a girl. A really good looking girl. Her parents would let me spend the night in her room. On the floor right next to her bed. Door closed. Guess what? Nothing ever came close to happening. She was such a good friend it wasn't worth risking either making her uncomfortable if feelings weren't reciprocated or it not working out and losing my friend. Got tore up together numerous times. Slept in the same bed once. Nothing ever happened. No one ever believed us.

Anonymous · Answer

I am glad to read of your updates. I would be cautious with any man with best female friends. (see mspeaches... she became the second wife) There is no such thing for any man to have bff. You are his bff.

The reason the female became the bff is because she stopped the next level. So the guy waits for her. And you became his option.
And the reason the woman becomes the f *** buddy is because the guy is not interested.

If you two are serious about this relationship, make sure you are his bff and his everything. NOT HER.

Anonymous · Answer

I know what you're thinking - there's no way this is a platonic. A guy is visiting a girl for entire weekends, they have to be distant fuck buddies. But in this case, I really do think they are two good friends who make an effort to keep in touch and see each other.

She lives two hours away but they still want to hang out. Maybe they see it as a waste if the drives the two hours just to spend a day, meaning a two hour drive there and a two hour drive back in a single day. So she tells him he might as well spend the weekend. It doesn't mean they're sleeping together. Remember they've been doing this before he met you.

I can understand you feeling worried, but you need to trust him. Has he done anything yet to suggest that he might betray your trust. If yes then you need to rethink the relationship altogether. If no, then it's just you coming down with a case of "all guys cheat if given the chance", which is a very unhealthy mindset to have.. I say let him visit his friend.

Anonymous · Answer

Are you worried that the other girl is gonna steal your boyfriend away from you? Or seduce him even for a one night stand? Or sleep together after getting drunk? Just relax. He really should let his friend know that he's with you now and they shouldn't do anything that would cause problems with his relationship with you. She sounded more like a drinking friend and buddy for him than anything else. maybe they'll get really silly and take silly pictures of each other after getting drunk or doing all sorts of silly shit. And I meant non sexual silly and really goofy shit.

Ephemera1 · Answer

That's disrespectful in my opinion especially since he hasn't even mentioned you to his dear friend that he's spending the weekend with. Personally I think you should talk to him about it and honestly trust takes time to build so I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Even if you did trust him, the situation is just delicate especially when alcohol is involved. Just talk to him, let him know and be respectful about it.

QuixRabbit · Answer

Yes, because trust is big part of a relationship and what some people don't get is if someone is a cheater they will cheat on you regardless of the situation. Not saying he is, but is better to find out as soon as possible if he is so he doesn't keep wasting your time or trust him that his a descent guy and thus helping make your bound and relationship stronger. Hope this help and that you have a great day =:D

AleDeEurope · Answer

"Let" him. I understand your concern, it's normal, but you can't be controlling in a relationship, that means there's little or no trust, and that's not good at all.
If you don't trust him to do nothing, then there's no reason why the two of you should stay together.

qwert1234 · Answer

Ask your boyfriend if he would let you stay at a male friend's house too.
And tell him how uncomfortable this is to you.
Sure, you don't want to pull him out from his circle of friends, but there are boundaries that needs to be set in a relationship.

mrpeaches · Answer

Honestly, if you feel a bit uneasy about him going alone, feel free to tag along with. While there may be tension between the two of them and your boyfriend's friend may feel like the 3rd wheel, do it if it makes you feel better. Know my ex wife liked to tag along when I visited my female best friend (who is now my 2nd wife), just so she knew that I wasn't doing anything funny, which I wouldn't, I have more dignity than that. But if you know your boyfriend's history or his track record, and know he's trust worthy let him go. Stay at home, and have a pizza/movie night with friends.

xxstarchildxx · Answer

Absolutely not. He needs to tell his friend he has a girlfriend out of respect for one. Also ask you permission if it's ok and if she knows. I don't care if you guys are new. A guy should tell someone immediately that he has a girlfriend and talk about you to his friend. Do not be naive. Set some boundaries. Yes you have to have trust, but just don't be naive. Make sure he tells his friend he has a girlfriend, talk about it, and if you're ok with it then let him stay with her.

Personally I wouldn't because I don't tolerate that. But to each their own.

lovelyhoneybones · Answer

You don't really give your partner permission to do stuff. He's his own person, you have to understand that. If you're concerned about him staying with his female friend, voice that to him. The ultimate decision is his though. If he loves you and knows it bothers you, he wouldn't do it or at least be cautious about it.

Even if someone is drunk, they're still in control of their actions. They know what they're doing. If he cheats, that's him. Not the alcohol.

Should I let my boyfriend stay with his female friend for the weekend?

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