Should I be worried about my boyfriend's close female friend?

[Anonymous]

So my boyfriend of one year has a close female friend lets just say Amy. He and Amy used to work together at his past job and have been friends probably a year before I met him. This means they've known each other for about 2 years. I am worried for a few reasons:

1. I looked through his phone at their old conversations and he used to ALWAYS like every day ask her to hang out, he'd visit her at work. I feel that he's never made a move is because she's always had a boyfriend.
2. My boyfriend puts extra effort into their friendship; With his other friends, he doesn't ask about their lives, doesn't initiate conversations, they're just friends he smokes with. But with Amy, he makes the effort to check in on her, he is always the one to initiate plans with her and message, even though she doesn't make the effort to keep in touch with him.
3. They only hangout one on one. She's not in his life because they have the same circle of friends, she's literally just someone he chooses to keep in his life. Whenever they hang out, it's one on one and they treat each other to dinner and movies.
4. He has had other close female friends in the past, yet he's chosen to cut them off, but not her. With his other female friends he never made the effort to commute to them (he doesn't drive), he doesn't ask them to hang and he rarely checks up on them.

My boyfriend has been very honest about their friendship, and he tells me every time he hangs out with her. He tells me he's not attracted to her and he sees nothing but a friend from her. They only hang out about once a month and they text here and there. I'm just worried as to why he's chosen to invest more effort in his friendship with Amy, moreso than any of his other friendships and why Amy gets special treatment that none of his other "close" female friends have gotten from him. Makes me feel like he's keeping her around in case him and I don't work out. He knows their friendship bothers me but just keeps reassuring me it's nothing

Updates

+1 y

Do you think he's only dating me because she's taken, and that something may happen when she's single? Do you think she's a backup for if him and I don't work out? What should I do? I'm certain he will never admit feelings or intentions towards her...

[Anonymous]

Well... you might be right to worry, but please think about it this way. If it were a guy would you feel the same way? It may be harder for a guy to be JUST good friends with a girl but it's possible. It may well be she's just a close confidant who is basically friend-zoned in his eyes. If it were a guy friend he liked to hang out with you probably wouldn't see as much of an issue, for that reason I don't think you NECESSARILY have to worry. But I will say this... he doesn't sound like he's done anything to betray your relationship. If you want him to be happy would you be willing for you not to be the one for him?

I had something similar happen to me. My first girlfriend who I have never doubted loved me left me for her best friend of like 5+ years. The entire time we were together she never let herself think of him romantically in any way. He was like a brother to her and she sincerely thought of him that way. Eventually he came back from Europe and she realized she really did love him. She left me for him. BUT... I was okay with it. If we hadn't been together I'd have been shipping them the entire time. My first priority was her happiness and wellbeing and I found myself sincerely happy that she was with him and not me. If you want this relationship to work your first priority MUST be HIM. Not what YOU get out of the relationship but what you can put IN to the relationship. That's the only way it will work. If you truly love him, either be his best friend or be willing to let him go should it come to that. This is just my opinion. I think you will be happier in the long run should you choose to approach things this way and you will be able to suffer yourself a lot of feelings of bitterness and pain potentially. Assuming the worst about your partner is the fastest way to lose them.

[Asker]

This is an interesting way to look at it but I'm not sure if I can convince myself to be okay with letting him go for another woman. Perhaps this makes me selfish, but I think that's the truth. So what do you suppose I do knowing this?

[Opinion Owner]

Well... I must admit I don't rightly know. If you don't mind my asking, do you consider this guy your best friend? Is that sincerely the way you look at him every day?

My mom always told me to marry my best friend if I want to be happy in life and have a happy marriage etc. I think if you can't say yes to that question I'd recommend taking time to really think and analyze the relationship. If you can be a good sincere friend who loves him and wants what's best for him that's great. Ideally though you want what's best for both of you. If you have a guy you feel you can't trust or who you constantly worry about, wouldn't you rather be happy as friends with him knowing he's very happy in a loving relationship? I dunno quite how to express all my thoughts on this. A lot of this is basically my giving voice as best I can to the mindset I had when I let my first girlfriend go. I knew she'd be happy and that's what I wanted. I knew if she wasn't the one, then one day I'd meet someone better.

[Asker]

I do see him as my best friend! And similarly to how I'd feel if any of my female best friends, left me for someone else, I'd be devastated! But I guess that's true. You can never be certain about anything in life and if he ends up not being the one then I will find someone better.

[Opinion Owner]

I really hope things work out for you. Again just... try never to assume the worst of him, it won't make anything better. If you're worried you might ask him whether or not your his best friend. I can relate to having purely platonic friendships with girls. I'm still great friends with my ex and she's with the other guy. I had a friend who I considered romantic feelings for but nothing came of it. Both of them are still dear friends and I care a lot for both of them. One of them dealt a lot with anxiety and depression. That's part of the reason that I've tried even now to keep in touch with them despite not having any of the same friend groups. I want to be there if they need me. You know what I mean? Just... I dunno I hope that helps when thinking about it? I hope stuff goes well for you :)

[Asker]

thank you very much for your input!!

[Opinion Owner]

Hope it helped somewhat :)

[meowcow]

Not all men get along with other males. Some men only have female friends, while some women only have male friends.

In my personal life, and at work, I make friends almost exclusively with women. I just don't relate to other men that much. My wife knows this and she is absolutely fine with the women I've known before we started dating. However, she gets a little jealous about my best friend, whom I met after my wife and I got married. I guess my wife was taken aback by how quickly I became close friends with this other woman (who joined my sports team).

I got yelled at by my wife a few times at first for hanging out too much with my best friend. I had to explain to her why we were close. Essentially, I have no close friends to rely on except for her. They've all moved away from the city (because it's expensive where I live). I wanted my little daughter to grow up with an "auntie" who is also a trusted friend. That doesn't really happen when all your friends leave the city.

After a few group hangouts, and seeing that our friendly interactions are not flirtatious, my wife is ok with it.

Sometimes, a jealous girl's imagination gets the better of her.

[Lou1973]

Shouldn't your wife be your "best friend" ?

[meowcow]

@Lou1973
No. Your wife should be your partner in crime.

Guys generally don't call their wife their "best friend".
Many married men still go out to hang with the guys, because there's a friendship bond that isn't satisfied with a husband-wife relationship.

[Lou1973]

For me it would be my partner in crime and best friend.
A male friendship bond of course will never be satisfied by your wife, correct, as men and women are obviously different but another woman should not satisfy the friendship bond over your wife.

See I have a different opinion on the matter, each to their own and I respect yours.

[samhradh_leannan]

I've had boyfriends leave me for their female friends in the past, so this is a sensitive topic for me. The fact that he chooses to keep her in his life doesn't necessarily mean he wants to date her, but I personally would keep my eye on the situation. I'm totally fine with my boyfriend having female friends, but I expect to be his priority, and I expect him to want me to join them when they hang out and encourage me to be friends with her. If they only hang out one-on-one and I'm not invited, then that's a huge red flag to me.

[Asker]

Yes, I'm on the same boat where I've been left for female friends in the past... The thing is we both have very very busy schedules, so whenever he finds time to see her, it doesn't necessarily align with my schedule so he knows I wouldn't be able to come. I'm certain, he doesn't PLAN the days they hang out to make sure I can't come, it just works out that way because I genuinely don't have much time to hangout with anyone. So I'm not sure if he'd invite me if he knew I was free. I did ask to meet her before and he set that up for us.

[samhradh_leannan]

Did he say he would set it up, or actually set it up? I'm not trying to make you feel more paranoid than you should. But if I was in your shoes I would probably talk to him about it, or try to make myself available at a time when they have plans and see what happens.

[Asker]

He actually set it up. He originally had plans with her alone and when I brought up the fact that I wanted to meet her, he rearranged the plans so that I could come.

[samhradh_leannan]

Well that's definitely a positive sign. If I were you I'd focus on trying to get closer to her and make friends with her, and see where that leads. It may facilitate more trust between you and your boyfriend. And if he seems supportive of your friendship, that's a good sign. If he seems uncomfortable with the idea of you becoming closer to her, then that's when I'd worry.

[Asker]

Yeah, I've hung out with her alone before. He was okay with that. I just don't like learning more about her because the more I learn, the more I find that him and her are so compatible and it makes me even more insecure!!

[samhradh_leannan]

Don't forget that a lot of what can make you compatible with someone romantically is also what makes you compatible as a friend. The fact that they have stuff in common, while I understand completely why it worries you, doesn't necessarily mean that he is or would become interested in her romantically. That said, I totally 100% can relate to how you feel ad sympathize with your situation. I don't think you are wrong for feeling concerned. Your worries are totally natural. But at the same time, that doesn't necessarily mean there is actually anything going on between them. At this point, I would suggest challenging yourself to expand your trust horizons and embrace the possibility that this girl could be a wonderful friend for both of you, which is a positive thing... while also just keeping your eyes open a little bit. Or talk to him about how you feel. If he is an emotionally mature person and cares about you, he should be able to understand and reassure you.

[Asker]

we've had many fights about her. at one point he got so fed up and said he'd stop being friends with her to stop all of this.. but i'm not sure how he would've actually reacted if i said yes to that proposal. I told him i'd never ask him to choose between me and his friend, but honestly it kills me inside every time they hang out or her name comes up in conversation

[samhradh_leannan]

So it doesn't sound like he's being very understanding about why this bothers you.

It's a tough situation. You can either try to talk to him about it again, maybe in a calmer way than before, or you can just bide your time and see how it goes.

[Asker]

Well I mean when he blew up this was like the 3rd fight about her. The previous two fights, he was pretty accommodating of me-- he let me meet her, he didn't see her as much, he didn't initiate as much, he always told me when he was going to see her... I don't know his actions to me seem very trusting but for some reason there is something in my gut telling me that i should be worried.. i don't know if this is just insecurity or an actual concern

[Asker]

he said he blew up that time because he was feeling frustrated that despite everything he was doing to reassure me, I wouldn't believe him and he didn't know what else he could do

[samhradh_leannan]

I understand. It may be partly due to your past experiences. I feel the same way. When my boyfriend gets close with other girls, as friends, I start getting flashbacks. But luckily I've never had to deal with him having a super close female friend like this (yet, anyway). I honestly don't know how I'd handle it. But in your situation I think my tactic would be to try to make better friends with the girl. If that doesn't make me feel better, then I might try to talk to him again.

[Asker]

I don't know how I would go about talking to him about it again. We've had many extensive conversations about her and I feel we've covered every concern of mine. So I don't know why I'm still worried!!! Do you think that, if I focus on my relationship with him more than anything else and stop worrying about his relationship with her, it'll make him get over any feelings he may have for her and continue to love me and strengthen our relationship? Or do you think that if he has any tiny feelings for her it'll eventually come out one way or another?

[samhradh_leannan]

I think if he has feelings for her, that's definitely a problem. But knowing whether or not he does is the problem.

[Asker]

Okay, but given the points I have given you do you think he has feelings for her?

[samhradh_leannan]

Does he treat her differently than he treats his close male friends?

[Asker]

I would say the only difference is that he checks up on how she's doing, asks for updates on her life. Whereas with his guy friends, he just hits them up to smoke and chill. So I guess this friendship is less superficial/surface-level than his friendship with his guys

[samhradh_leannan]

I guess I'd ask him why he has a different type of friendship with her.

[Asker]

He said that his guys don't like to talk. When he talks to them they don't really give insight, they just say "true" and end it there. Whereas with Amy she actually can have a conversation

[samhradh_leannan]

Hmm. Hard to know what to think of that.

[Asker]

RIGHT? It's so hard :(

[samhradh_leannan]

You're in a tricky situation. I wish I could offer more insight. I hope that with time, things will become clearer for you.

[Asker]

Well thanks a lot for all of your insight! It's always great to hear outside opinions

[samhradh_leannan]

You're welcome! And I'm sorry again that I can't help more, but again, I understand completely where you're coming from. You're in a really difficult position because of your past experiences. It's hard to get over something that painful, and it's natural to be more on edge going forward. Don't be too hard on yourself and don't let anyone make you think you're just crazy. You're not crazy. You've just experienced something really painful that they can't relate to.

[Asker]

Thank you so much <3 best of luck to you love!!

[samhradh_leannan]

To you as well! I wish you the best with all of this and I'm sure over time things will resolve. <3

[kaajal]

Probably they have a connection that he hasn't had with his other friends. There may be many reasons why he chooses to keep her around. If they are friends and he is as honest to you as you make it seem, then you shouldn't worry about it.

[Nadia1994]

If he only wants to hang out with her one on one then that's definitely a problem. If his intentions are not wrong then why can't he let you hang out with him and his friend?

[Nadia1994]

Try asking him if you could hang out with them. If he says no then something's definitely up.

[Asker]

The thing is we both have very very busy schedules, so whenever he finds time to see her, it doesn't necessarily align with my schedule so he knows I wouldn't be able to come. I'm certain, he doesn't PLAN the days they hang out to make sure I can't come, it just works out that way because I genuinely don't have much time to hangout with anyone. So I'm not sure if he'd invite me if he knew I was free

[Asker]

also I asked to meet her and he arranged for the three of us to chill that day

[Nadia1994]

Cool then. There's nothing to worry about.

[Logorithim]

Monitor the situation, but since he has been honest with you, I don't think he is cheating and you shouldn't worry- at least for now.

[SanePerson]

I would definitely have a serious discussion about what is valued about that friendship. If my wife said to me "I don't want you to hang out with other women alone" I would be totally okay with that. You never know what can go on behind closed doors. As long as she was okay with me asking her not to hang out with other guys alone. Personally, I have one real female friend. She wears the wedding ring and engagement ring I bought her. :-) I'm too busy working full time and barely hang out with my guy friends as it is.

[Asker]

When I ask him, he says that she's just someone he keeps around. With his other friends, they are incapable of having conversations with him and just say true when he talks to them. He says she's a "homegirl" he is able to have conversation with and she also hooks him up with discounts to clothing stores and tattoos (through her friends). I told him I felt uncomfortable with him initiating all the time, so he doesn't initiate anymore. I asked him why he didn't decide to date her and he said he doesn't see himself being 100% comfy around her, she likes to go clubbing which isn't his thing and he's not attracted to her. She isn't someone he'd go to first for advice and to tell good news, that's what I'm here for. but he does update her about his life and all that stuff when they eventually do meet up.

[Asker]

He does everything I ask. But I just don't get why he hasn't just cut her off-- if she really doesn't mean anything to him, wouldn't it just be easier to stop hanging out with her altogether to avoid all of these problems? If I knew my boyfriend had a problem with one of my guy friends, I'd be quick to drop them without him even asking because I don't value any of my guys friends as much as him. He's my best friend. So I wonder why he's keeping her around

[SanePerson]

Yeah to me it almost seems that he's keeping her on the back burner if your relationship fails. Which is not good.

[Asker]

I agree :(

[Saltyrobot]

I seriously wouldn't worry about it too much unless he's putting more effort into his friendship with her than he is putting into his relationship with you I had a really really close female friend when I was with one of my exes and it was nothing romantic or sexual or anything like that yet my girlfriend hated the fact that I hung out with her and broke up with me because of it and we're still really really good friends and we've never pursued anything romantic and never felt anything that way in fact she actually has a boyfriend and sometimes all three of us hang out, maybe him and Amy are just really good friends.

[Asker]

But are you the type to get along with girls better in general? I find it strange because she's literally the only female, other than myself, that is in his life at the moment. All of his other friends are guys

[Saltyrobot]

Not really at the time she was really my only female friend besides my ex, I have a couple female friends now but none that I really hang out with like I do her.

[Asker]

Why have you chosen not to pursue her? Just out of curiosity. What is it about her that doesn't quite make her girlfriend material, but at the same time she's important enough for you to be "close" to her

[Saltyrobot]

I've just never been attracted to her in that way, I mean she's a really attractive girl, it's just that from the first day we met we've been friends and nothing more. She's always been there for me and I've always been there her like when one of use goes through a brake up or just needs a friends that not a romantic partner.

[Saltyrobot]

I would try asking him if you him and Amy could all hang out at some point and if he gets defensive or is steering away from it really hard and doesn't want to do it at all then I would confront him about it I would ask him why he keeps putting so much effort into her and doesn't want you and him and her to all hang out together. Because like I said with my friend and I her and I have never really been romantic but we've always been able to hang out with each other and each other's Significant other

[Asker]

When I mentioned it, he arranged for the three of us to hang out! He tried his best to make sure I was comfortable but I just got even more insecure because she's pretty and they seem very compatible

[Saltyrobot]

I don't want to sound rude here and I'm trying my hardest not to but in all honesty I think it's just your insecurities getting the best of you at this point because if he's willing to hang out with the both of you together I don't think anything romantic is going on between him and her.

[Asker]

I see where you are coming from. His behaviour pretty much shows where his heart is and that's with me. But for some reason I can't shake the feeling. It's a fight of my following my instincts vs trusting in what he is telling me. It may be insecurity but dang it's really hard to get over!! Thanks for your input!!

[Saltyrobot]

Absolutely no problem I hope everything works out well for you.

[SmoMan71]

I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Some people are worth keeping in your life, some aren’t. And if he was going to cheat on you, he wouldn’t be so open about his relationship with her. As far as the possibility of him being with you because she is taken. Sure, it’s possible. But how much does it matter?

[Asker]

This is true, can't focus on things that haven't happened. In other words, I shouldn't fixate on what ifs and instead I should focus on what is really in front of me. Thanks for the input

[SmoMan71]

Sure thing, and you could always just tease him about it. and ask if he wants to have a threesome with her, just to see how he reacts.

[roronoa_sid]

See, this is a honest advice.
Don't let that guy go, he might not be what you think. I have the same case as you explained.
And I just went through a breakup because of it.
My girlfriend never trusted me because of one of my close friend and I love my girlfriend. But I couldn't stop her. Cause she gave me a choice.
And it hurts when someone you love gives you a choice like this.
And I went with my friend.
She's still my friend.
She even had a boyfriend few months back.
But none of us had or has feelings for each other.
So trust your partner and give him time

Boys don't always cheat

[Asker]

Why did you choose your friend over her?

[roronoa_sid]

Cause she was there before anyone else was, and she never doubted me. Plus what's the point in being with someone who can't have trust and faith in you.

[roronoa_sid]

So just confess this to you boyfriend and try getting and explanation and trust me

[Halucinator]

I'm gonna be genuinely honest. I've never been a relationship but this one might be abit serious. It seems like he's a good and honest guy who isn't sure about his feelings towards Amy. It's more like he is kind of into her and doesn't even realise or maybe just doesn't try because she already has a boyfriend but the fact that he's totally honest with you regarding het assures me that the guy will never ever cheat you. I guarantee that.

"Makes me feel like he's keeping her around in case him and I don't work out."
We call this thing cushioning. Check this down for more details if you want- Cushioning: Effects, Defects and Side Effects! ↗

[Asker]

Like I said, I feel like he's keeping her around in case she's single one day. What should I do? He will never admit to having feelings or other intentions for her

[Cursewords]

If you've never been in a relationship then you should avoid giving your opinion on this matter.

[Halucinator]

@Cursewords I wouldn't but I was invited, Sir❤️

[radrio]

If he lets you read all old conversations and dig into his phone about her, I genuinely wouldn't be worried.

[Asker]

well I snooped when he wasn't around and without his permission, but I told him about it and he wasn't upset. he says he doesn't care because he has nothing to hide

[radrio]

If that was his genuine reaction, I think you're good. Snoop a few more times for reassurance if you want (don't tell him though)

[Asker]

I've snooped several times. It just is weird to me that he's always the one to initiate

[radrio]

Even among opposite gender friends, the man initiates more often typically.

I wouldn't be worried though. Honest. Snoop if it'll make you feel better but I would not worry too much

[Masselin]

He either cares about her, is trying to make her jealous, or litterally grew up with her and considers her a major part of his life. There could be a very distinct tie between them. There's no reason to jump to conclusions, question everything. Always.

[TacMed32]

There may be more to this, but not in a bad way. My ex girlfriend had this same problem with me. A female friend of mine would constantly text me and hangout. Reason is she had previously been suicidal, and I was her only friend. The are many valid reasons for his behavior, and 95% are normal.

[Wollu]

Pretty logical. If she would be something else than a friend you wouldn’t be around. I had female friends myself and my girls have always been jealous. Stupid. Irrational. Obviously a failure to add one and one.

[Just_boring_guy]

Well now I assure you it is nothing it is just a friendship in this case and a good one actually. But the thing is I dont believe in platonic relationship between males and females so I must admit that your theory is valid😕

[Asker]

Me neither. There's no black or white answer though-- some people thing it's totally possible and some don't. He believes it's possible, I don't. So I don't know what to make of this

[itsme123456789]

Yeah honest guys have nothing to hide, it would be different if he was hiding stuff from you but it sounds like he just has an almost brother/sister type relationship with her

[markscott]

Thee are some concerning issues here. On the plus side, he does tell you, and it's only once a month. If he stops telling you, and it starts getting more frequent all of a sudden, I'd be more concerned.

[LegateLanius]

Don't discount how he thinks about you just because of an old friendship. She might have needed his help when she hit rock bottom, you never know.

[Elementis]

Is he honest? Does he put more effort into your relationship than he does hers? If yes, then no worries. If no, then you should have a talk.

[Cursewords]

It stopped reading at the part when you looked through his phone. I hope he dumps you just for that. You don't ever go behind your man's back and betray his privacy like that. You have no right. I don't give a shit about the rest if he's been honest to you, you got no right.

Better prepare yourself to get dumped, you're paranoid and self sabotaging as fuck. Men can have good friends of the opposite gender without it being sexual or a love interest you idiot. Get professional help.

[Asker]

I know it was wrong to snoop, but I did confess to him about it after...

[WoodKnight]

I think he should stop waiting around for her and appreciate you. Get a new one.

Unless that bitch pushed him out of the way of a moving car or saved him from falling off a cliff, i think he's even lying to himself about why she's such a good friend.

[DiegoO]

The only reason that should make you get worried is him not giving you the same quality time.

[lord_chilled]

You got reason to be worried , and you got the right to make some demands or ask sone questions regarding it.

I wouldn't have been as patient as you, if it was me in the situation.

[CrazyyChick]

I would be jealous, but you have to trust him cause you don't want to become me