I love my boyfriend so much but I'm just not happy with him. I feel like he's holding me back. What should I do?

Question

So I absolutely love my boyfriend. We have been together for 3 years now so we have quite a history... but here's the issue: we are just too different. I am a fun-loving, extroverted, get up and go kind of person. He is an introverted, antisocial, couch potato type of person very laid-back easy going. I never thought it was an issue until we started fighting about it, the fights became frequent because he is perfectly content sitting on the couch and playing video games all day long, and I just want to go out and have an adventure. He just complains about everything so I end up sitting on the couch with him all day, smoking pot and playing video games. He doesn't like me going out with friends and it's like he's borderline controlling but not as bad as he used to be. He has no job and no license, makes excuses for himself all the time, and kind of acts entitled (he's said to me "I'm too good for a normal job") so I end up doing things for him. He has borderline personality disorder so he can be manipulative and selfish many times, but I know deep down he's a sweetheart who just needs love. But I feel SO resentful towards him and our fights turn into screaming matches and hurtful things get said.. But I just can't leave him, and he won't leave me either. We have both verbally expressed how unhappy we are at times, but then we "resolve" the fight and have great sex or just have fun together. We've been on and off for 3 years now and as much as I hate him, I also feel this warm cozy and happy feeling when I think of him. What the fuck is wrong with me? I feel like I'm wasting my life on him but my love for him is too strong and the thought of him being with someone else KILLS ME

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

And now you've learned a very important (and what's going to be a very painful) lesson: Love does NOT conquer all.

In a relationship, being attracted to someone and having feelings for them isn't nearly enough to make the relationship work long-term - for that, you must also have a high level of compatibility. But most people don't make any effort to discover if they're long-term compatibible in the beginning, because in the beginning, it's all easy, and you're in the "honeymoon phase" where incompatibilities often seem cute or quaint or "no big deal."

But when you live with those incompatibilities for a while, they become a big deal, and that's where you are today.

The problem is: he hasn't changed a bit - he's exactly the same guy you met, and behaved the same way, and he's not likely to change in the future. You could have easily figured out that this behavior and attitude wasn't going to be acceptable long-term, but you didn't. And now, you're going to suffer a painful breakup as a result, because you're having to face the truth after putting it off for so long.

You cannot change other people, you can only change yourself. Often, that means you have to change the people you associate with, because they aren't going to change who they are, and that's the case here.

Going forward, next time you meet a guy, you need to take some time to get to know him, and really investigate his potential as a long-term partner for you, which means checking him for compatibility in every area that's important to you - and doing this BEFORE you get too attached to him, so that if you find a dealbreaker, it won't hurt too much to move on, and you won't waste years of your life on someone you don't have a future with.

You are NOT responsible for this guy, or for him fixing his life. That's HIS job, and he may never, ever do it. And you can't help someone who refuses your help, so it's time to accept the truth, and do what's right for you...

just_daddy · Accepted Answer

This is what you have to do is get him alone turn off the video games and tell him how you feel. make him listen. by approaching him a way that he understands. Men that refuse to work or do anything but play video games all day need some readjustment and need to get him off his lazy ass and get a job. I real man works but if he is totally disabled it is one thing and if he collects SSDI and SSA its okay. But there is a time and place to play games and another time for him to to work. if you want your relationship to work and he's stepping up to plate then it is time to let him know and get him to if does talk then be a real woman tell him, to either make changes and get a job or your leaving and and mean it. I am real man and i work and I going to tell this much. make your choices either stay and deal with problem or leave and change the way you want to live. life is tough and having a relationship is tough too if you make it tough. be the woman you need to be and make it apparent you you mean business and tell him or her the truth. if he won't change then leave him or her right away, don't wait.

grimtigress · Accepted Answer

sounds a little like your my boyfriend characteristics wise and i'm yours lol though not very much. i hate talking and though he's not a huge fan he likes to try it and ask questions, and i'd rather keep to myself rather than ask, and i can be unconsciously manipulative, and i try to go with him for his own adventures but i just get tired so easily though he likes it at home too. we've fought about that too, and it's gotten hurtful but we found the best thing was a break, not a break up. the time apart helped us reflect and miss each other even more once we were together again. it also helps set what needs to be done

samhradh_leannan · Accepted Answer

It's possible for two people who are different to make a relationship work. Maybe you two should try therapy, or have a serious talk about compromise. But at the end of the day, if you feel like the relationship is holding you back, that's not a healthy situation for either one of you. Loving someone isn't always enough to make a relationship last- compatibility is necessary too. If you guys can't figure out how to be compatible, then you may need to bite the bullet and move on.

Hyped_up_on_coffee · Accepted Answer

Girl your relationship sounds toxic and a guy who doesn’t make an effort to get a job isn’t a real man. He sounds like a looser and you should be doing things for him. It sounds like he is taking advantage of you because of resources... and I know because I used to have a loose ex boyfriend who used me for a place to live and moneys

UptightLight · Answer

You're going through exactly what I don't want to put any woman through. I'm glad to know there's women like you that exist but fuck i hate that selfish sack of shit. Piece of fucking trash doesn't know his place. Get the fuck out. I prefer to be single with my couch potato video game playing toxic ass. I know she's going to want to live life. I know I don't. You're going through something you shouldn't have to. Dump that loser.

Does he do dishes?
Does he clean up / maintain the living space?
Does he cook for you seeing as you're working?
Does he rub your feet? Give massages?
Run you a warm bath?
Make you breakfast ever?
Listen to your days hardships?

He doesn't ask questions.

What does he do?

If he's unappreciative of the fact you've given him these last three years then flush that shit down the toilet lol. You deserve to be appreciated at least if you're going to be with one of us. Another one of us would appreciate you. He doesn't seem to. Do right by you.

Schnitzel · Answer

I was a heavy smoker, still enjoyed going out, especially around new cities or hiking. He just sounds like a dick, tell him he will die at some point and all he will have to show for it are xp and a gamer tag. A good job isn't going to land on his lap while getting stoned playing video games...

LeoZay · Answer

He needs more than love, he needs a reality check. There is a very small window in life as an adult where you can just lay on the couch and play video games. Think of what he robs you of: imagine if he worked full time all the things you guys could do with to that income even if it's a lousy job which I suspect would be the case, but it would add up. If you didn't have to be the parent and dated someone with their life together I think you would look back and be like why did I stay on that sinking ship for so long? As an adult man you should be house shopping in nice neighborhoods not smoking the day away. I can't even fathom such a waste of time that is.

JustSomeDanishGuy · Answer

Tell him, let him know how you feel.
If he's not ready to change his couch potato behaviour, you have grown too far apart.
Alternatively, take a longer break and date other people, get to know what is out there, get perspective. When you have perspective, the choice should be clear.
(Taking a break should be 'safe' if he's a couch potato who hates people)

boggboss · Answer

Seems like you to are not doing the whole relationship thing properly they are about give and take and right now U are giving and he is taking and that's all I get it in a gamer I would love my days just gaming away but I understand that's not acceptable behaviour when u have a women I am expected to go out so I do and she knows I don't love it so she won't complain if I do want to game for a bit every now and then

Dreku · Answer

What JinnRose said, the lad is likely depressed and feeling in a way like you could outgrow him, opposites with things in common can work really well, get some counseling together, its all about understanding and learning to compromise in a way that you are happy to do for them but doesn't kill who you are

whoop12345 · Answer

So you just listed all these personality differences. All these negative actions. And the only positive thing a heard was i love him. What do you love about him. Sounds like nothing.
I think you are just confortable at this point. But people talk about love like its some mystical thing that happeneds randomly to you. You love someone based on thier personality, heart and actions. And it seems to me. None of which you even like.

ProtocalXXIV · Answer

I think you need to disconnect from what you think you will be losing and what you have to gain. If you are as different as you say and it bothers you enough to write this... shows that you are trying and he is just not working with you. It's best to disconnect now before time goes by and it gets harder... still not easy now but it can be a lot harder...

madgoat · Answer

Go and have fun with a friend, come home and snuggle up on the sofa with him. Do not rely on him for your socialisation and fun. If you're going to argue, you may as well get some innocent fun as well.
He seems to be lacking any motivation or self belief. Most men of his age can't get away with that.

bellybuttonlint · Answer

For someone who is so introverted, how the heck did you two even get together?

But to be honest, I don't feel you love him as much as you say because if you did you wouldn't feel like he's holding you back. When someone says that it means their SO is not the person they were looking for.

Charleslvajr · Answer

If you live together, change that. Find your own place. At that point you can still date him but have a separate existence from his and you can still love him but have that wilder side of things you want. He sounds like an entitled lazy little ass to me but I was raised with a work ethic and a sense of responsibility.

outside_Toronto · Answer

People are creatures of habit. Good or bad, right or wrong, people get into habits and are reluctant to change. That's what's happening here. Based on what you wrote, you're complete opposites. I don't think you love him at all... you love the habit.
When you're in different relationship with a better match, you'll wonder wtf you were thinking.

Stafa · Answer

Seems like you're both hooked pretty hard on love. It happened to me but I got dumped, and was welling to do anything, just anything to make it work again.
I know you expressed your feelings, but do a serious talk one more time, say exactly how you feel and what changes you want. If things doesn't work then maybe leave him for a week or so and demand changes, he'd do anything to fix it

Nice222 · Answer

It sucks but sometimes you outgrow somebody. People grow apart. I would suggest you just start doing what you want to do and he will have to make a decision to either do it with you or be left behind.

issabelle · Answer

talk to him about how u feel trust me it totally helps and maybe even take a day of a break from eachother then come together and just cuddle and talk work it out

ZoeyMercer · Answer

I don’t see differences in personality as a problem but the fact that he says no when you do stuff and tries to control you Is the problem here.

TheOnlyAndy · Answer

Hugs, this sounds like an unwinnable situation, I have had to recently end something as it was getting more and more bitter dispite loving each other.

sahas20 · Answer

Opposites attract is a myth when it come to relationships. Better find middle grounds or move on.

Caaarl · Answer

This is something that won't work out. You'll need to end it and move on with your life.

ovoxo_ · Answer

He sounds like a woman. Are you sure you're not dating a girl?

I love my boyfriend so much but I'm just not happy with him. I feel like he's holding me back. What should I do?

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