The silent treatment— Why do people do it? And how should the other person handle it?

[HopelessRomantic2119]

The silent treatment is a passive aggressive behavior in which one person refuses to acknowledge or respond to the other person.

It’s termed, by some experts, as a form of manipulation in which the goal is to inflict punishment or pain on the other person. Some experts even go as far as to term it as a form of emotional abuse, and say the effects are actually similar to physical abuse.

It is also seen seen as a narcissistic behavior to gain power or control in a relationship by withholding acknowledgment and attention so as to make the other person feel subhuman or less than.

What the silent treatment is NOT: effective, healthy, or an excuse for poor communication skills.

Some people need time to gather their thoughts or emotions, it takes them longer to process a situation, especially a conflict. They are often “flighters” instead of “fighters.” This can actually be a GOOD thing, because it often allows time for BOTH people to calm down instead of acting on the emotions that coincide with a heated exchange.

However, if these are your TRUE intentions, then the healthy and respectful approach to take is to say you are upset, and you need some time to cool off, but that you will be willing to talk in ______ hours/ days.

This communicates to the other person that 1.) you are upset and 2.) you will be willing to discuss the issue but you need X amount of time. 3.) It lets the other person know that they are important to you and that’s why you need time.

If that’s not done, sorry but you are being manipulative.

What do do you think of the silent treatment?
Why do you give the silent treatment?
Is it a learned behavior stemming from childhood or a previous relationship?
If it’s ineffective why do so many people use it?

[aWes0MeNeSs]

I've never really understood the silent treatment, myself. The way I've understood from people who participate in it, is that they want the other person to realize on their own what they did wrong rather than being told what it was. There thing is, people aren't mind readers and it's very easy to do something you didn't realize would be upsetting and not know what you did wrong if your partner refuses to communicate. I personally think that game is extremely childish.

If someone were to give me the silent treatment, I'd just ask them what they were upset with me about. If they pulled the "I'm fine, everything's fine" bullshit and continued to do it, I would simply tell them to cut the bullshit and communicate with me. I don't have time for silly games.

[HopelessRomantic2119]

Agreed! The issue, at least when I’ve experienced it, is that I’ve said nearly verbatim what you wrote and still been dealt the silent treatment. I think that point further reinforces that it is meant to be punishment/ manipulation.

[aWes0MeNeSs]

Yes, that's most likely true.

[DorkVader]

Good question! I'm a Sagittarius, definitely a flaky fire sign, and when I'm mad, I'm big mad. But I'm like a match. Explosion when I'm "struck" big fire for a short while but I go out pretty quickly. I'm very aware of my anger issues and quick temper, so when i get mad, I shut up for at least an hour so I don't say some horrible shit and shred their feelings over a minor infraction. Ergo, if I'm quiet, I'm trying to save our relationship, because I'm a dirty fighter when I'm mad

[DorkVader]

Thanks for MHO and no likes lol

[MikeTheBartender]

I'm not going to read your whole question cuz I'm too lazy, but I'm just going to stick with the main part. I had an ex that would give me the silent treatment, and let me tell you if we went to bed angry, we would wake up angry. The key thing is if you cannot deal with this type of thing avoid that person at all cost. They are not going to change the fact that they do the silent treatment, and you are not going to change the fact that you hated. Don't put up with anyone that disrespect you like that.

[HopelessRomantic2119]

It was a long question, may have been better for a MyTake lol. I just detailed what the silent treatment is, what it isn’t, and what it does.

[webelong2yehovah]

You could focus on being at peace within yourself, and on Loving people, including the one giving you the silent treatment, continuing with your responsibilities, and just let your persistence in this way be the example it naturally is, and leave the other person to absorb the same spirit as they do, going through whatever transitions in how they choose to interact as they do, but persisting in simple, peaceable Love, yourself?

[jennifer_bloom]

When you are secure in yourself by having things you occupy and busy yourself with this type of thing does not bother you as much as it would if you were looking to somebody else to satisfy a need you have inside you.

[Lightning8]

To some high degree you do look to and are vulnerable to that person, that's why they're in your life in such an intimate role. If you are referring to the secure attatchment style, I don't think that accounts so much for abuse. It'll hurt less perhaps but it's still abuse and has the negative effects of manipulation if you don't understand what's happening.

[HopelessRomantic2119]

I see your point, but agree with @Lightning8. Self worth is important whether you are in a relationship or single, and it certainly a person with high self-worth will fair better when dealt the silent treatment. However, if you are in a relationship with someone their opinion and how they treat will affect you to some degree. If you are being manipulated or “abused” you may realize it is not your fault, but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt or leave one feeling confused/upset.

[btbc92]

As somebody who done this it's done because your tired of fighting! And saying something increases more tension than good. While meanwhile other people who do it do it to simply abuse you. It's not always to punish and it's never wise to confuse passive aggressiveness with the silent treatment together. It's all about intent. Passive aggressive people are just that. Silent treatment is often uses by them is all.

[HopelessRomantic2119]

You’re not necessarily wrong, my girlfriend is the type who needs time to cool down and gather her emotions. However, without saying that, you are being passive aggressive. Ignoring someone is being aggressive, and hiding behind silence, expecting them to know how you feel or what they did to upset you is manipulative.

A person who isn’t using the silent treatment to be passive aggressive will have no problem saying “I’m really pissed off right now, I need some time to cool off. We can talk tomorrow.”

[btbc92]

You tell somebody how you feel you get ignore anyway. That's not being passive aggressive. That's sitting boundaries and letting the person knownthatbif you can't respect me for my voice, you'll have no choice but to respect me when I'm silent. Because if that's not enough, guess what, I owe you nothing. I owe it to myself to the kind of relationship I desire and want. We always communicate. One thing I always learned from being in a domestic abusive household all my life and arguing. People communicate their wants all the time. It's not being respected. And that's abusive.

It's again, not passive aggressive all the time. The issue is you can tell somebody you need to cool off. But talking tomorrow is a no no. Because it will lead to more arguements and some peop e are sensitive and hate conflict. Ignoring is the best way for a person to not say things they will regret and you'll hate them for it. That's why arguments can be normal, but if it's unhealthy it's toxic. And talking may not always rectify the situation, and there may be more serious underlining issues that can lead to crimes, drugs , alcohol or even infidelity. Body language is key. It's not always done to be manipulative. Manipulative people are manipulative people like passive aggressive people at a just passive aggressive people. Manipulators do all of the communication that you expect. That's how they get away with constantly hurting you.

[btbc92]

It's good you understand to respect her space. But a lot of people do not. It is better to just walk away instead of always hashing it out. They will tell when their ready. Trust is key. Lack ofntrist can cause problems if you can't trust they will ever talk to you then yes it can be manipulative. But that means you have a even bigger problem in the relationship for them to never consider you. It means they not only don't love you, they don't respect or honor your feelings. And that is a relationship you need to get out of before it gets worse. You never try to force somebody to talk unless you continue to make them push away from you. There is a time and place for everything. And patience is often forgotten. Always check in in your relationship.

[btbc92]

Setting*

Remember, it is ALL about the INTENT that makes it passive aggressive and manipulative.

[HopelessRomantic2119]

Ignoring your partner rarely solves anything. If you don’t feel like you can communicate your feelings in a relationship, it’s time to end that relationship.

Allowing time to cool off can be beneficial, however, taking too much time can often allow the issue and accompanying emotions opportunity to stew, fester, etc. It’s best to solve issues as they arise, because more often than not they will come up again, and typically with stronger emotions.

There may be the RARE case where the silent treatment is a good option, but it usually isn’t. If it is all about intention, but you don’t communicate your intention then how is your partner supposed to know? That is where the abuse/manipulation lies. That’s why I feel if you don’t communicate your need to cool off, you’re being passive aggressive.

This is a good debate, and perhaps we won’t change each other’s view, but it’s interesting!

[btbc92]

It's not about a debate. It's about doing right by each other from day 1. And no. You never end a relationship like that. It's unhealthy aboit shows you can't handle a real relationships. It's less to do with the one who hurt you. The silent treatment us for yourself because as introverts especially it can take us weeks if not months to let go and calm down. A partner has to learn to grow and understand how each other works. Many are just too selfish. The issue is most people do NOT try to solve those problems immediately. And it's often the men who doesn't want to talk about it when the problem come up. A d the women who sadly bottle up negative emotions to avoid a breakout on arguments. Please again do not talk about something you really do not fully understand unless you've been living with that situation since you are a child. Because I grew up into the household with that goes on every single day. And one thing I learned is that if you don't take the time to try to understand a person's personality, their wants and desires, their boundaries, what they like and what they don't like, you're going to cause a lot of problems. That's why I would tell people you do not jump into a relationship without being friends first and getting to know the person. Because you want me to start dating, you are in a fog and you don't know what you get yourself involved in.

See that's why you said it's based on what you feel. Doesn't mean that's what it is. That's not where abuse and manipulation comes from. Abuse hasn't because people just want to abuse and use you. Manipulation happens because they simply want to manipulate. Again, even if you communicate that you need to cool off, they are sadly some people who do not respect you. And when you're not receiving respect that's when you leave out of that relationship. You sadly have not met passive aggressive people.

[btbc92]

And that's how you guys mostly as well as a lot of women end up with the wrong kind of people because you use your biases instead of actually open to learn the personalities of different people. There is no such thing as taking too much time. It's a simple matter of having patience and understanding. Having patience and understanding shows love. When you're not patient it shows you don't really love the person.

[btbc92]

If you had to try to force some push somebody to let them know how you feel then you definitely get your wish me and you won't have that relationship. The key word is respect. When there is respect and mutual love and understanding in a relationship and each partner feel safe, you would not have that problem. If that ends up happening did you know you got a problem in that relationship, and it's not the time for you to get upset at the person who choose to be silent. It's a time for you to reflect on your actions and see where the issue is. It's a time for you to absorb everything that they had said before they became silent, that you can know where you done wrong. Because the more you end up becoming stubborn than negative energy you put out is what people he gives the silent treatment work take, and then they will door slam you. As an infj personality type, that is exactly what we do when we are through with a person in our relationship. It doesn't mean that we don't love you. It just means that we are no longer allow you to hurt us in a way that destroys our identity. You must take extra care and love for your partner.. if you are ready stubborn and selfish then you always going to have that problem. A silent treatment should never be taken to personally. Because again is not always about you. Because of the person didn't I give you the silent treatment the next step is either they going to cheat or they just going to drop the relationship and you will never know about it. Design team is still means that they still care. If you continue to act negative with them, then they will lose their sense of caring and love for you and that definitely be over. People sadly do not fully understand this and goes on deaf ears.

[btbc92]

Again as I explained to people with everything. You whenever a person do something it's all about the level of intent. Some chastement is needed in relationships.

[HopelessRomantic2119]

If you think ignoring your partner for multiple days is healthy or ok, I’m sorry but you’re wrong. Ask any relationship therapist, or google “the silent treatment” and tell me what every article, blog, professional opinion says.

The debate I was referring to is the one we’re having, not one with a significant other.

I’ve dealt with my fair share of passive aggressive people, from family members to friends, and I’ve done the same thing with every single one of them— BYE! I don’t speak with my own grandmother because she’s one of the most passive aggressive people I’ve ever met.

How are two people supposed to resolve things immediately if one refuses to talk? And why is it so difficult to communicate that you need time to calm down or gather your thoughts? Not communicating that is manipulation. Ignoring someone is perhaps the textbook definition of passive aggressive manipulation. Why? Because without saying anything, you are in fact, saying something, and then you can fall back on the excuse of “we’ll i didn’t say that.”

If you are an introvert that has a hard time communicating, you at the very least need to communicate that, otherwise you’re being manipulative. And being an introvert isn’t an excuse to stay mad at your partner for weeks or months. If that’s the case, you either need couples counseling or you need to break up because you clearly can’t get over arguments. If you can’t argue with your partner, talk about it, and then let it go YOU ARE NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP.

I strongly urge you research the professional opinions of the silent treatment and the decors it has on the other person because your view is very one-sided.

[HopelessRomantic2119]

Effects it has on the other person** not decors lol

[btbc92]

I don't think you REALLY get it. PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE! You treat each person with respect, honor and dignity from day 1! Never make assumptions about people without knowing things first. You may not think it's okay to not talk, but it can be okay for others who dont need all of that and still have a good relationship. Relationship experts will give you THSOR SIDE of what they think a relationship should be and people follow suit. That does not happen in the real world. Real relationships requires trust, mutual understanding, consent and agreement.

I can care less what they write. I have real relationships with people, and I wouldn't just ignore anybody. It's okay to not talk for multiple days. If you don't, then you may have a problem. And I'm not here to debate with you.

Problems are not for you to just resolve things with mediately. Is for you to honor and respect your boundaries. When you have problems you immediately solve it. You don't went into promised Paul up and then you want to know why the person because passive aggressive.

And then to do was communicating that you need to come down. Is the fact that you are dealing with different people. And if you can't learn to handle and deal with people who behave a certain way, then you're running away from important relationships that are beneficial for you if you know how to handle it properly. And please don't make it something that somebody didn't say anything. Because it has to do with again with respect.

[btbc92]

And OMG. Stop making up things about people! Everything that you were explaining you obviously have promised will you do need to see a counselor. You don't need to be breaking up or have couples counseling or because of that silliness. I don't need to research nothing because I've been domestically abusive background with my own parents. I've seen and I know exactly how things go down. And I seen and heard about a relationships of others. And if this one thing I have learned about y'all people's relationships is that your people have no idea how to have good relationships with others cuz you don't even love and respect yourself enough to know what you want and need. You hide these things, you compromise so much, and then when you get whooped over you want to know why you get walked over. You got a know who you're dealing with and building relationships with. And you can't just build that with every single Don person. It has nothing to do with being an introvert but it has to do with having respect to how the other person feels and thinks. What I see in a lot of people's relationships especially some of the things that you were talking about is in fact unhealthy. The whole thing is unhealthy.

[btbc92]

Again, and I can't say this because I have been told plenty of times I myself could be a counselor or therapist. Passive aggressive people are just passive aggressive. Manipulative people are manipulated. You do not want to confuse the two with having boundaries, and being passive aggressive. Some people even yourself can have passive aggressive tendencies. Everybody has those tendencies in them. But it's about working to improve it so that you can have better relationships with others. It doesn't necessarily make it wrong but you got to do what you got to do for yourself. And there was nothing wrong with that. My guess is that you have a lot of Abandonment and broken relationships that every single time you see that problem you just want to walk away from it. That's not healthy. That shows that you can't really handle a relationship. Not me. And you probably can't handle a marriage either. Because the closer you get to a person the further you draw apart. Remember that. You got to expect the unexpected and relationships.

[btbc92]

Know what you been dealing with is nothing to do with passive aggressive people. You just got toxic people in your life. Everything in your life speaks toxicity that's what that tells me. And you have yet to fully understand nor see what a healthy relationship is.

[btbc92]

You need to understand that in real relationships people have arguments, people have a lots of disagreements, people will say things they don't mean, people will do things that will hurt you, and not everything is going to be all fun and sunshine. You're not always going to want to talk to each other, you're not always going to want to submit and humble yourself to a person. But you have to do something if you expect to hold on to a relationship. Just because a person doesn't want to talk for a while doesn't mean that I don't want a relationship with you. And that's one thing I had to learn and deal with growing up. I was exactly like you and when I was very young. But I had to run to get out of that bubble and that fantasy and start having my foot grounded in reality and reality is relationship is hard. But they can be worth it and beneficial if you're with the right kind of people, and if you already doing the right kind of things. Running away from an argument over custom body doesn't want to speak doesn't solve anything. Because you just add more fuel to the fire.

[btbc92]

PEOPLE need time. And sometimes some people never learn how they effect and impact people until it's too late. Some people never learn until later. I AT least want to clear my head and them communicate when I sense nothings calmed down. As and INFJ, who grew up with yelling, arguing and screaming, I think I'm more of an expert of this then anyone and guess What? I'm still living with it with my own father, and family. That's why once I get my degree In leaving. I can leave. Because my life was ruined in a sense because of it. And if any man cannot respect and honor why I have to do what I have to do for my well-being, he don't need to be with me. He can be with somebody who is more healthier than I am. I have no qualms with that. At least I know I have some things I still need to work on. But I'm not talkin about that. I'm talking about having boundaries. And there is nothing wrong with having boundaries in a relationship with anybody. Whether it's your family, friends, or whoever you got to do what you got to do. Because some people don't even bother to care to see if you're doing okay.

[btbc92]

You need to understand that any relationship you have with others are your relationship. And nobody can tell you how to work and operate in your relationship. The only ones who get to tell you that, are the people that you have that relationship with. Not relationship experts. They give you a fantasy and ideal. Work it out with whoever it is you have relationships with. It's a simple matter of having love and understanding and you don't just verbally communicate it, you show it. I have my relationships with people for over 14 years. Some people can't even barely have three. If you got to get angry over every single thing a person does That's not healthy. Cuz I'm pretty sure you done things that make people angry with you too, and if you didn't listen to them, that's going to be your fault.

[btbc92]

You don't wait for problems to pile up in order for you to fix it. That's how those toxic issues happen in relationships. I highly doubt you've really been in a healthy relationship and kept it. I learn to not run from your problems. You learn to deal with it and if you have to leave, you exit peacefully. Not bitterly. I detest conflict!

[btbc92]

And you don't see what you're toxic with that attitude and you want to say how I'm being passive-aggressive. Don't you see that your attitude when you told about how your family is being passive aggressive and manipulated how you just tell him by, do you not see where you're being passive-aggressive. Because that's exactly what passive aggressiveness. You don't believe me look it up. Don't be a hypocrite. Because you just show me you're the exact same way, you just handle it differently. They're direct and you just leave. Not to be rude, but You're no different from your family.

[btbc92]

You don't see every single time you have that attitude with every new relationship you going to carry that thing toxic baggage with you. I'm telling you this for your own good, don't carry that with you parent because it's just going to make it more bitter and resentful towards other people. Been there, done that, do not wish to continue to go back.

[HopelessRomantic2119]

I don’t disagree with everything you said, but it’s a lot to respond to point by point. I’m NOT saying that one argument or disagreement is grounds to break up or seek counseling. I think that’s a problem with dating today— we are told if someone isn’t absolutely perfect, they aren’t our soulmate, and we should just leave. That’s not right. Relationships take work, and nobody is perfect.

Trust me, my grandmother has been passive aggressive my entire life, and from what I’ve heard she was passive aggressive my mother’s entire life, so after decades of putting up with it, we all agreed we had had enough. Now she is in her 80s and has, what at best can be described as, a “strained” relationship with her only daughter and only grandchildren.

I’m sure you do provide very good advice, I see your high MHO % and I think you’ve left worthwhile advice on previous posts of mine. However, to say that you’re right and that the overwhelming majority of relationship experts, couples counselors, therapists, etc are wrong seems awfully narrow-minded.

[HopelessRomantic2119]

You’ve witnessed what you witnessed, and I’ve witnessed what I’ve witnessed. My father would employ the silent treatment on my mother, they have been married for 35 years, and in general set great examples for myself and my siblings. However, I know that the silent treatment hurt my mother, and conflicts weren’t resolved until they talked.

You still haven’t answered my question about why it’s so hard to communicate that you need time to gather your thoughts?

I’m not the passive aggressive type, I’m very blunt, but more importantly I’m good at knowing what I’m feeling. It took practice and yes some therapy, but I’m very good at pinpointing quickly WHAT I’m feeling and WHY I’m feeling that way. It’s not just a matter of “I’m angry that you’re ignoring me” Anger is a secondary emotion, it stems from fear or pain, sometimes both. When I’m angry because I’m being ignored, I’m actually hurt, and I’ll tell the person that.

Lastly, yes I have had toxic people in my life, including at least one toxic ex. However, I think everybody has had toxic people in their lives— friends, lovers, or family. There comes a point when you have to realize that a person is toxic, and either accept their toxicity (not recommended) or remove them from your life. I’ve chosen to do the latter.

[HopelessRomantic2119]

There are certain relationship that aren’t meant to last a life time. I have friends that I’ve known since I was 4-5 years old and we are still friends to this day, and I hope I’m still fri nds with those people when I’m 80! I’ve had other friends where after 6 months, I realized I didn’t want this person in my life anymore. Willingness to remove a toxic person from your life doesn’t mean you failed. That mentality is what keeps people in emotionally and physically abusive relationships. If anything, willing to cut ties shows that you know your worth, and requires more strength. Only you can be the judge of that though.

I tried to respond to as many points as I could, but like I said, I’m at work, and because of some typos I was able to completely understand what your point was, so I skipped over those points.

[TahoeHiker]

This has been the most helpful bit of any knowledge I've gained in a very long time.
I can't stand it when my girlfriend has done it to me. It hurts so bad and spins my mind and gut relentlessly. Thank you again

[HopelessRomantic2119]

Thanks man! I wrote this because my girlfriend has done it to me before, and it really upsets me.

[TahoeHiker]

Dude it sucks like no other. Take Care

[Lliam]

Everything you said is true. There may be, as you said, various reasons why people employ it as a tactic. At minimum, it displays immaturity and poor communication skills.

[hsshannah96]

At that point our relationship or friendship is over. I don’t engage or do that crud

[worldscolide]

Its really simple. I set the expectation that if the person im with uses that kind of mind game with me, it would be over immediately. I am sorry but i have zero tolerance for an idiot that chooses that path with me.

[bimmy5000]

Yea I shut that shit down fast. won't talk to me about an issue like a child? In 5 minutes you are gonna start yelling at me...

[Vaaloteel]

We do that because we don't know what to say or how to handle the situation. if someone's doing this to you just give him space and if you are doing that to someone else just be patient.

[dwiller943]

Actually... Verbally expressing that you need some time alone
NEVER works if you're dealing with abusive people that can't respect boundaries.

[Anonymous]

They do it because they don’t know how to solve arguments. As for the other person, it’s a waste of time and just go on their day without a care.

[HopelessRomantic2119]

I think initially that may be right— that they don’t know how to solve the issue at hand. However, if the silence continues for more than a day, and especially if the other person has reached out, then it’s manipulative or being done as punishment. If after a day one is still struggling to resolve the issue, then the healthy thing to do would be to let your partner know you are not ignoring them, but need more time.

[Opinion Owner]

I completely agree with you. Plus your opinion is more precise than mine.

[rajesh_leo]

I certainly hate it. I have broken so many official and personal relationships because of this stupid thing called silent treatment. It is a sadistic way of making other person feel inferior.

[jasco]

I simply igore people who give me the slient treatment