Would you forgive her cheating?

[Anonymous]

If you found out your spouse had a physical affair With one person on and off for about 2 years (more on than off) before you were married. The affair happen 10 years ago and you just found out would you forgive and stay together or move on?

Details if it matters in decision
The affair happen at the ages of 19-21 when both were young and relationship wasn’t at the best. Now you are married with kids and marriage has been great with no issues. You are both now 31 years of age. Condoms used half of the time. Oral sex happen once. Number of sexual encounters is unknown anywhere between 5x to 60 (spouse said few times).

[Screenwriter]

What do you need to forgive? You weren't with your spouse at the time. This is long before you knew her. Why is this even a topic of discussion? Why would you consider leaving your spouse for an affair that had nothing to do with you? Why did you ask all these details of how many times they had sex and what kind of sex. There's something very wrong about this line of questioning about something completely unimportant to your marriage.

[Anonymous]

It is not only the cheating that is the issue, it is keeping it a secret for so long. In my thoughts, that is worse than admitting it right at the beginning. Kept a guy with her when he might have ended it years ago.

[Screenwriter]

OK. So I'm confused. Were they together when this affair that occurred two years before they were married happened? This is completely unclear...

[Opinion Owner]

@Screenwriter I read the second paragraph as if the couple were together, but it was a bit rocky and the girl had this affair with another guy. At some point the couple got married.

[Screenwriter]

She did end it years ago, before they were married. I truly don't think every sexual encounter needs to be aired. They were having relationship problems at the time and it might not've been the best move on her part, but she chose the man she married, not the person she had the affair with. So why drag all this up at this late date? What good does it do to find out these long dead "facts" of the affair. It seems like it's opening up a healed over wound for no good.

[Opinion Owner]

@Screenwriter She did end it before they were married? They could have been dating and even engaged before the affair ended. We don't know. I am assuming, by the very nature of the question, that she was with two guys at the same time.

As I say, in that case, it is not only the fact that she was cheating, but worse still, she didn't own up to it at the time. I have always said no one should enter a relationship with secrets. There is a good chance they will come out in the future and wreck the relationship.

[Asker]

@Screenwriter
Yes they were together the whole time - just when the cheating occurred they wasn’t married but together. Cheating occurred at ages 19-21 when they were together. They got married and with kids at ages 26 so about 5 years later. He found out at age 31 so about 10 years after the affair.

[Opinion Owner]

No forgiveness. Cheating is still a deliberate act, no matter how far in the past.

[Screenwriter]

We differ greatly on this. Some people think every sexual encounter needs to be aired. I think if it doesn't ENRICH your relationship. Don't mention it. I don't know how this ancient history event came up... It seems they've had a good marriage... But MORE DETAILS are required. We are all simply guessing about the circumstances.

[Opinion Owner]

@Screenwriter The asker has clarified it. They were together when the girl cheated, but were not yet married. Seems pretty straight forward to me.

[Screenwriter]

Since it is so long in the past and they've had a successful marriage in the meantime... sounds like forgiveness would be the best bet... and therapy with the two of them to get through this... Is it worth throwing away all that they've built together in the past decade?

[Opinion Owner]

@Screenwriter I would never forgive a guy for allowing me to spend 10 years in a marriage, that if I had been aware of the true facts, I would never have entered.

[Bee-Hatch]

You weren't married. You're happy together. WTF are you worrying about this for. Move on dude.