I think it was wrong for her to get upset with you.. I was in her position with my man.. he wouldn't open up... when you miss 33 years of someones life you wanna know everything.. our pasts shape us and yours hunts you so when something triggers you go by yourself deal with it... if she's around let her watch you deal with it when things triggered him Id hug him have no idea what it was.. I wanted to know so id know not to do it sor say it... but took him awhile to open up so I asked a few times then after that Id just hold him as he struggled with it without saying a word... he one day said you see how messed up I am why do you stay? You can do better no one has ever stuck around this long... I said cause I care for you and even tho I have no idea whats triggering you im on your side your stronger than you know... once he got a call and I could tell by his tone he was pissed he got up and left I gave him 10 mins went to find him he was in the basement crying on the couch.. I just went over hugged him and whispered in his ear I loved him.. he's like I look awful his eyes were puffy nose running got him some Kleenex and said no your gorgeous... he said thank you and gave me a hug and a kiss on the lips abd said he loved me too.. thats the first time we said I love you to each other... took a good 2 or 3 months for him to open up... no one is perfect we all have our struggles and personally I like laying on the bullshit on the table right off the bat then if the guy can't handle it then were not wasting each others time... when you have things that trigger you last thing you want to do is talk about it so now when something bothered him hed come for a hug... actions speak louder than words
I liked your empathy and strong affection.
Its tough being with a person whose private... but if your patient with them they will open up.. just have to prove yourself and not be naggy but understanding as much as you can be... supportive in what your allowed to know then slowly you will know what they are thinking... weather its him saying im craving this food and going to make it for him just affection meeting him at his needs where he's comfortable letting you in and not push for more.. was a learning experience for me cause id question and try and say all the words I could to convince him he can open up to me he said im not comfortable and just get up and pace the room.. after that happened twice I found if I just dropped it hed stay cuddling
Yeah you are going to have to tell her man! One things for sure, us women hate secrets. Well I’m sure anyone in a relationship would hate secrets regardless of gender. But seriously, I doubt she’s going to leave. You already mentioned she’s concerned and getting more concerned for your health everytime you have a flashback. You can’t hide it from her, as you say the reactions are involuntary.
I used to have really bad anxiety and many attacks that I couldn’t control. I didn’t want to tell my boyfriend because I too was worried I would push him away. But when I had my attack and he was sitting beside me, he was scared and almost called an ambulance. He was upset that I didn’t tell him before it happened, but after I explained everything he was so relieved. To this day, he still wants to support me to get better even though it is something I need to work on myself. You still need to tell her even if you need to solve the issue yourself. You don’t need to go through this alone!
You're assuming a lose-lose scenario from the outset. Not good. Have you both tried educating yourselves on the subject of trauma? Maybe start by reading through some books together, like "The Body Keeps The Score", whose author pioneered the modern treatments of trauma. It sounds like your girlfriend assumes you already know the answers but are deliberately withholding from her. But so far as I understand it, trauma works by hijacking your entire physiology. Your body thinks its protecting itself, by responding to any everyday stressor the same way it responded to your past traumatic events. That book I recommended explains it all a lot better than i can. If you are both more informed around the subject, then it will give healthier expectations on how to talk about it together. She should recognise that you may not have a linguistic framework to be even capable of relaying your experiences in words. One technique in that book i mentioned is to just focus on describing the physical sensations in your body. Its all in there. She needs to realise this is your body trying to protect you based on past trauma events; and that you may not necessarily have lots of stuff on your mind to begin with. Just talking to her about how you feel or think isn't gonna be a substitute for working with a qualified trauma therapist. Even the trauma experts seem to agree now that "talking-based solutions" like talk therapy are bound for failure. The physiological and psychological makeup of the trauma victim can't be fixed with well-meaning words. You need to learn how to regain control over your body and mind in the moments when you feel most stripped of control.
Does she not know you were abused then? Maybe tell her you have been abused in your past, and tell her you're looking for better ways to cope with the traumatic re-experiences, and that you just hope she can understand that you may not always have the words to convey those experiences. I think she just needs to be aware that this is something rooted in your past, and not a specific issue regarding her or the relationship. Tell her its not personal when you get that way; its an involuntary response that takes over your body. And maybe suggest she read more into the subject on her own time so she can at least understand your needs better.
You'll still have to negotiate in terms of how you move forward as a couple. After all, she also has needs of her own, so its still a two way street where you both support each other.
The main thing I'd avoid is any language that casts you in role of "helpless victim". You ALWAYS have options for how you can regain a sense of positivity and purpose. But you can't ignore the trauma and hope it goes away. You have to have courage, and ask her to have patience in the times you feel overwhelmed. The trauma may win the battle, but you can win the war.
She is asking because she cares. I know what your going through from experience. I tried doing it alone and it didn't work. I've been with my current girlfriend almost 4 years now and I told her because she was terrified I might hurt myself. Believe me, it was the best thing I ever did. She stood by me through all the crazy episodes and I love her more for it. She cares about me. I'm about to buy her a ring and ask her to marry me because she became my rock. You never know if she could be the one unless you give her a chance. I have a friend that went gay over being in an abusive relationship in high school. He came to class cut and bruised. He use to tremble. Let her help you.
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Tell her if you love her. Don't if you don't want her to stick around. But never lie. You can't have a relationship or love without trust. That's why you be friends first before you date. You don't wait until dating to spill the beans before one of you ends up breaking up. This is not about you. This is now about her. You shouldna be dating if you know you're going though problems and trauma. You don't deserve this but neither does she. She needs to know before she will stop. But when she does, you can bet she is going to eventually shut down and maybe find another guy.
You by no means have to rush to tell someone your trauma, but if you feel you can't share it with that person, there's no way there's enough trust in your relationship for it to work. If your process is "hide it all, shut her out, etc, etc," then I don't see how you intend for a strong relationship to come between the two of you.
That doesn't mean you have to spill everything, but opening up and at least saying you've experienced trauma that you aren't ready to talk about without the help of a therapist is more than reasonable. It's a lot more reasonable than having borderline PTSD and thinking you can lie it away.
Maybe they are not going to be together for ever. She might be Mrs right now...
I'm sorry brotha to hear that. It happens to often. I know I fought that battle myself. Sad fact is this brotha. Once you have become to numb to feel because of the repatipion of fear, and pain. You need to first reset you. You need to see a professional. Now don't think that was meant as an negative slide to you in any way man. If you can't let her in, you will eventually lose her. It's not her fault. Remember she wanted inyou let the nexthing for you. Or the next. A hopefully not It's given in the hopes you push away all compatible maybes...
I'm sorry these buttons are so small. Good luck brotha. Don't lose her you may never forgive yourself...
First off! it's not your fault! Do not feel bad. I went to Iraq I have some problems with fire works or triggers... No big deal your brain is a super computer set to protect you from danger. There is a reason you feel the way you do. It's to help you survive.
Now do I tell my significant other? Hell NO! She does not need to know that stuff specifically. There should be a general discussion about it once you feel really comfortable and trust her. Until then don't let her control you or your actions. If she's "guilt tripping you" then there is absolutely something wrong with her. Tell her to tell you every traumatic life event she's ever had and in explicit detail. Hold on babe I want to take record this... why? For no reason I just think I need validation that you really love me and let's start with the first time you saw your dad's penis... I'm so tripping but if you say an example like this she might grow up and see that her request is slightly childish.
It’s time to man up. Enough with that emotional bullshit. Whatever happened it is in the past. It’s over do not allow it to live. You must let go and give it away to God. It’s not yours anymore. That isn’t you. It’s just something that happened.
Right now you’re dealing with fear and fear is an illusion.
You are allowing this to live on and interfere with your today and it will continue to haunt you until you simply accept it as the past. Who cares what it is nothing in the past good bad or ugly can possibly come back to you.
You are trying to live but you’re carrying the baggage around. Put it down dude. It’s not important any longer.
Everything happens for a reason just accept it and allow yourself to grow from it not burden your emotional health.
You don’t have to share what happened but you do need to not allow it in your today. Let it be.
You don’t have to tell her details, just tell her that you are dealing with this (essentially in the same way you just told us) and are not ready to talk about it with anyone outside a professional. Let her know it’s not a problem with her, it’s something you have to and are working on. I understand where you are coming from, I was emotionally abused as a child. It is VERY hard to open up. I’m working on it myself. Good luck!
Throw her the faintest whiff of vulnerability, but so she feels like you're opening up. Share a couple small details, and very slowly share the truth over a long time. She doesn't want to find out that you have a *real* problem, because in spite of what women say, just because they want you to be vulnerable doesn't mean that you won't cross a line and be seen as weak or damaged. She wants you to be vulnerable with an issue that doesn't bother her. Often when men reveal their *real* psychological damage and pain, it can cross the line of what they can tolerate and now suddenly you're being baby or not a real man. There's always a limit so naturally you're going to err on the side of caution and prefer to withhold most of it. Trust that. Give her just enough to keep her quiet and move on.
I also had a guy that wouldn't let me in and tbh she's probably blaming herself and wondering why she isn't enough and you're not comfortable enough to talk to her. Tell her what's going on. We love when guys open up even if they cry bc we see they trust and need us
She absolutely should not be angry with you for not talking about something like this. I had emotionally abusive parents growing up and it’s affected me in a way I do like to share how I’m feeling with anyone especially my wife. She has gotten frustrated with me within the last year for not taking. I totally understand how hard it can be to share something like this. I think you need to tell her this is a very difficult thing to share with her and she needs to be patient.
Open up when your ready but let her know enough that today it is nothing do do with her. Too soon and It might freak her out and she starts looking for the door. But she might be exactly what you need if you trust her enough, she is good to you, and are thinking of a future with her.
Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind. If she is worthy she will have empathy. Hopefully she has had a loving upbringing which installs empathy.
Don't be too hard on yourself champ was all out of your control what happened to you.
There is a kiwi in Christchurch New Zealand "Rooting" for you, might be different terminology where you live, no not that kind of rooting - I wish.
I think you should lie to salvage the situation. Don't tell the truth unless you feel it's ABSOLUTELY necessary.
I made that mistake of opening up once and it ended being my worst nightmare.
Especially if she's very pushy about it, nothing good will come from telling the truth in that situation.
It looks like you have not much options here if you tell her or not no guarantee that your girlfriend stay with you not unless she loves you unconditionally ok take an example say give her like a short film with the same storyline of yours watch it together then asked her what does she think about it see how she reacts , hopefully this works good luck.
Sorry about what happened to you.
You shouldn't have took on a girlfriend before you got help for reasons like this.
You are going into a relationship with a negative personal secret and a secret like this never turn out right.
It doesn't turn out good because 1 - it's not fair, you are going into a relationship pretending you are ok.
2- you are leading her down the path of her thinking wrong thoughts.
3- your relationship is fake because it's under intentions. You have serious problem that is coming to the surface.
4- you better put more effort into finding a therapist to set up a payment plan Or charge by income. Do go to a general therapist they will be useless to you you need a specialist.
5- you are supposed to go into relationship trying to build trust not lose it.
I get that you don't want burden her. But if she wants to know you should open up, at least bit at time.
Also tell her that you don't want her to worry about it too much. If she still wants to help you through it let her.
In relationship its expected that men support women. And we often feel that we shouldn't burden women too much with our stuff. But fact is that if they are serious about relationship they want to be there for us too. And we can't deny them that.
You need a mans advice on this. The only proper way to get over negative life experience is to get positive life experience. You are probably afraid of people in general at this point. Hit the gym, start martial arts, overcome your traumas and never bring them up. Dont make your past ruin your present.
Well yes! But maybe he needs Meds... Sounds like this is... It hurts so bad to think about it for even a second. I've already soaked my shirt in sweat kinda trauma.
Well meaning advice, but functionally useless for treating trauma. Except the martial arts, thats actually been shown to increase feelings of autonomy and safety in trauma victims.
You need to let her know what is going on. I know from experience that it is hard but it needs to be done. I was sexually abused going up and I was also beaten. I had a breakdown and my ex was worried. For me to get passed it not only did I tell therapist but I also told my ex. After that she was more understanding when they happened. Find that therapist asap and I promise you will start feeling better with time.
I got you covered my guy. Say this verbatim..."it's not something I'm ready to talk about with you at this point in time. I appreciate your concern, but pressing me to talk before I want to is going to make me clam up more. When I feel like its a good time to open up to you i will definitely let you know."
Also you should talk to a psychologist for yourself and get some help once this lockdown is over.
If you have not went and got counseling I suggest you do so right away. If you care about her you're going to do this not just for yourself but her and everyone you care about around you. You need to open up and let her in if you really care about her. Trust me I did the same thing, it takes time but it pays off in the long run.
Just tell her the truth. Leaving her worrying is only going to drive her crazy. The entire purpose of a relationship is for mutual support. As her girlfriend, it’s literally her job to be an emotional support for you. LET HER IN.
Just tell her the truth, you’ve got some issues from your past that you aren’t ready to talk to her about yet. She’ll either take it or she won’t and if it’s the latter then you deserve someone understanding in your life and she was not that person.
Personaly i would just tell her sumarised like you said here to us talk about hoe you think its an issue you need to deal with and you dont wanna overwhelm her, and if she does leave you and she is not understanding of it maybe she is not the onr
I'm emotionally stinted as well. I do have to put on an act to get along with people. I would advise you to at least pretend in order to see what she needs emotionally. most likely you'll be able to give her what she needs.
The mystery angle is always better. Besides, if she doesn't respect the privacy of your thoughts, is she really right for you?
Don't do anything you're not comfortable with, and don't give in to ultimatums.
Trust her with your real feelings. That is what a relationship is about.
That PTSD is just part of who you are, if she can't accept that then she's not for you, might as well tell her.
Try to work on it. Im the same. It takes a long time for me to trust a partner enough to ket them see my dark, tragic past. I rather just stuff that shit down and move on.
Let her read this. Just spill the beans dude.
And if you're really fucked up about it, then get the shrink FIRST. You're supposed be all whole before you bring someone else into your life.
Are you absolutely sure that i should send her this link?
I'm absolutely sure you should have an adult conversation with your lover, like a mature adult.
Alright. Here goes nothing.
You gotta tell her. Women are stupid about the truth. They can't handle it but they want dudes to tell them everything.
Can’t believe you had to ask this. Dump her ass bigtime.
Tell her it's hard for you and you'll tell when you're ready.
show her this:
https://www.youtube.com/embed/RTngBI51gJc She's a woman.
Just lie your face off. She just wants to be happy.
:)
She was disappointed? Wow. She's only thinking of herself. I'd leave her.
Typical female drama. She doesn't actually care about you, she cares more about digging into something that is none of her business.
Men seem to get blamed more than women do for relationship problems or relationship issues.
She loves you let her in
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