Any advice for Men on Relationships with Women After Childhood Abuse?

[Apope16]

1. Sexual Abuse
At the age of about 3 years old I was sexually abused in my bunkbed. I believed I was sexually abused by my mother. I dont know the details but I believe that being willing to touch her in sexually places was then rewarded by her affection.

2. Abandonment
Shortly after that I was abandoned by my mother. My parents were sepearted and there was s dispute on who would get the kid. My dad left my sister and I alone on the apartment steps of my mother. i was 3.5 and my sister was 2. We were then taken to a juvenile center.

3. Emotional Abuse
I was taken to be raised by my grandparents. Because I didn't talk after the experience, my grandmother labeled me as mentally handicapped (retarded) for 25 years. Sometimes, if I made a mistake she would scream at me for hours. If I walked away while she was screaming at me and calling me names then I would get into bigger trouble. My only survival for self esteem was to be somewhat narcissistic.

4. Lies
My mother every Christmas would call me her "man". She would then say she loved me and each year would promise she would come get me and we would be a family again. She promised this every year for 12 years. It never happened.

I know therapy is needed. I get that.

My question is, who else has dealt with abuse growing up as a child. How does someone get to a point of trusting a partner when they have been lied to their whole life? How have other people dealt with these things in relationships?

[Puppystarfish23]

As you said yourself therapy is needed 100%. Im sorry for what you've had deal with growing up no one deserves that treatment and you are extremely brave to be able to speak out so openly about it especially being a man.

I've never been abused myself but my mother was. She actually still stays in contact with her family but i find it difficult myself to forgive and forget what my grandmother did to my mum growing up. She'd hit her for no reason and lock her down in the basement and would tell her and her older sister that they were ugly, fat and useless. She even kicked my mums oldest sister out after finding out she was having sex with her boyfriend and told my mum she wasn't gonna take care of my siblings whilst my mum was in labour with me because she's a disappointment and doesn't have a career and when i was ill in hospital after i was born she said "whats the point in visiting she's gonna die anyway".

All she cares about is money and what others think of her. She's such a evil bully. She even went through a phase of trying to emotionally abuse me when i was 10 but i was strong enough to see through her games and fight back.

Im no expert but self healing is the best thing. My mum is very passionate on helping other children from toxic homes. All my friends who had abusive parents she'd take in and treat them as one of her own because she understood and wished there was someone for her to run to when times were hard. Maybe helping others in your situation could help you heal. God knows there needs to be more support for male abuse victims.

Find yourself before finding someone. Learn to love yourself and see all the pain you went through made you a stronger person and be proud of yourself for getting through it.

For finding a women that's a hard one for me to answer because i personally feel the right women will come along eventually when your least expecting it. I really think self healing is the best thing to do. Do things that make you feel good about yourself and feel stable.

[Apope16]

Thank you so much for your story and answer. Have you ever talked to your grandmother about what she did? Did she ever admit to it or was she in denial about it?

[Puppystarfish23]

I said something to my grandad about it and he got mad at me. All my family are pretty much in denial. My grandmother did try to say sorry some years back to my mum but i still don't forgive her especially because she wanted nothing to do with me or my sisters growing up and treated me like i was retarded for being dyslexic.

Whenever my mum trys to bring it up they all deny it. My oldest auntie knows its ture deep down because she got it just as bad as my mum if not worse in some cases but won't say anything but the youngest got spoilt and still is and won't hear anyone say a bad word against grandma.

[Puppystarfish23]

Just remember there is more kind good people out there than bad, evil people and anyone who doesn't love you for you just isn't meant to be in your life and is the one with the issues not you

[lightbulb27]

Oh my god, that makes me so sad. Children go through so much... and they grow up. Sir, you've taken some severe trauma in early life. Time moved on, it's mating season based upon the hormones. And so you ask the question. You will be healing from this for some time.
I was sexually abusd and emotionally abused after that. I don't think it measures up to what you took though, just context... it happens to others. Somehow, as children, we know somethings and not right. That "something" is emotional energy, we know what is love and what isn't, it gets twisted, but we sense it.

Something happened with your mother and that is not your fault, you didn't ask for it, and you didn't deserve it... start there. She has her own shame and guilt. But she turned you into her man instead of dad. There is a book written by a player called "the Game" and his followup book. He writes about his mothers abuse... similar pattern.

Do look up "childhood development stages". My friend found this information, she was a therapist and it was part of the puzzle to figuring out how to help people... by finding the root traumas that are controlling them. she's trying to write a book on her process to help people. The programmings we receive in childhood, which are emotional in nature, are recorded in your sub conscious mind and they influence your self image, intimacy, ability to love, trust, etc.. They limit how you respond to others, how you treat others, your behaviors. Identifying behaviors can help trace back, using CDS, to where the trauma occurred. Then can locate the traumas and heal them... with love. Her approach, is with prayer and Gods love. There are other approaches like Eye movement desensitization, hypnosis, etc.. Love is the cure in my book. Releasing the secrets and negative energy.

At age 0-2 you are trying to establish trust. You may have wounds trusting others. Look at.

The women you pick are going to inflame that stuff... intimate relationships expose our deeper wounds. It's all part of the process of healing, part of healing... can be pain and suffering. Gotta do work to write down stuff, accept, forgive, etc..

You have enough to research. Therapists can help some, but they aren't the cure all unless they are skilled, you've found the root issues.

I think it helps to be open and honest with your partner... and lets keep it to one at this point to build a relationship, establish trust. My experience is women appreciate and value it as they seek the deeper emotional connection. If the women you are finding don't, then find another cause you are wasting your time avoiding your feelings.

Failure to address these problems means a very possible repeat of the past. These issues can be generational. In other words... father and mothers abuse or grandparents abuse came out on you. Someone has to break the chain so your offspring have it better.

Can you imagine what slaves had to endure? That may be your reality. There are massive problems in various cultures, it isn't just one, but to make a point... there is a lot of human trauma that needs resolved... like replacing the engines on an airplane while it is still flying. That is the work we humans have before us... to heal... from age old traumas that continue to haunt us.

[lightbulb27]

@SelenaTiki oh my, I can't wait. I'm so desperate for attention being you know, old and weary and terribly lonely. I don't know what I'd do without teasing females. I really need these kinds of posts to make me feel like, you know, like I should feel. Please help me... best way to do that is to send me some bitcoins, I'll give you an address. 2 should do it, but send more if you like. Thank you, you are the best.

[lightbulb27]

I missed your detail questions: How does someone get to a point of trusting a partner when they have been lied to their whole

Yes, I've had this problem. As best I can determine, I developed issues with trust at a young age. Not sure why. I know my mother was preoccupied and didn't spend much time with me. My brother was kinda abusive and I'm sensitive. So I may have withdrawn. I developed a fear of girls and cursed myself to never get married or have kids by my teens, that was reinforced. Girls as they approached me... paid the price in rejection and would never be able to make sense of it, probably personalized it themselves. With my now girlfriend, she would challenge me on my past, behaviors. It was painful, I got to where I didn't trust her motive. She was trying to find my integrity in what I said but didn't make sense to her. The ensuing battles were awful. I started to peg her as narcissistic for how she behaved. I don't think that's the case, but she is not one to give up and not easy to convince. We broke up for a while and got back together last year.

[lightbulb27]

I learned to listen to what she was saying and her perspective. She was passionate about addressing relationship issues, as painful as it was, it was necessary. No other woman stood up or likely would have survived "me". The more I listened, the more I saw broken pieces of myself influencing flawed beliefs and some really messed up stuff that I had to own. Took time to agree with her view, but I saw what she was seeing. That helped me trust her.
In short, I think my view of myself was distorted. She helped me see the distortions. Once I recognized it, I trusted what she said more, that she had my greater best interests. In the end, I think I/we all want to feel safe and be loved. The perspectives are what separate us. We have to work hard to reconcile the perspectives. Ask more if you wish.

[Anonymous]

I was raised by my mother together with my older sister.
I was put down everyday! I was stronger than my sister by the time I was 12, but my mother was always there sidding with her. Both of them made sure I knew everyday that I did nothing right and was criticized and made fun off every second. My mother yelled at me like she was about to explode very often.

Result? They did not dressed me like a girl or anything and still during vacations with friends when a girl friend painted one of my nails red when I was sleeping as soon as I woke up I took all of it off with my teeth! Yes I bit it all off. As the rest of the vacations I used every opportunity I had to mess with her.

I can't deal with men submitting to women in any way! That is the result!
Luckly I hide that very well since I don't see it happening often.
I am never agressive about it, but I am very afraid to be one day.

Do you know what my biggest fear is? To have a daughter. I will never be able to take her to mix wrestling. I will never be able to let her practise makeup on me. I will lose it if she hurts a possible brother. I am broken and terrified.

I have a wife and I never layed my hands on her. She knows all about this and she still decided to stay with me. I just hope I can be a good father.

[Apope16]

More power to your struggle. That is a lot to take. I think because you are mindful of your struggle you probably will be a great dad and husband. As long as you are open about it with both of them. It sounds like it can be something that you guys bond over.

[Opinion Owner]

More power to our struggle? WE ARE MEN! Who actually gives a shit? Do you really think you will have a lot of girl commenting on here? They don't care and never will.
We can only hope that other men give us some support.
I am sorry for you had to endure too.

[Apope16]

I think this reminds me of a mytake that I should write about. The silent struggle of men. Men have this pressure to comfort women emotionally. But women feel disgusted by a man who shares vulnerability. They lost attraction and will eventually break up. I am wondering. How is it that you were able to keep the relationship with your wife without your wife being turned off by your vulnerability?

[Opinion Owner]

Because she is a unicorn. When I finally told her everything she hugged me and said "You didn't deserved the life you had." My sould repaired slightly in that moment.

[Opinion Owner]

@apope16 Please do that Take. In fact, we should get more men to make Takes talking about it. Try to raise some awareness.

[caro30berlin]

Apope16 I personally feel it's the strongest thing a man can do is to own up to his vulnerability, his inner life and his past to his life partner and other people around him and everyone you meet that ridicules you for that is definitely immature in their own way not in touch with their own emotions and not your person.

[Apope16]

@caro30berlin Thank you so much. I wish there were more ladies like you. But won't you lose attraction to your partner over time? If it starts to become a therapy session with a guy doesn't that make you think 'friendzone" and lose the sexual attraction that you started out with?

[caro30berlin]

@Apope16 tbh I never Really thought about it. But I also expect the same from my partner you know that when I am vulnerable he is there for me and listens to me and at the end of the Day if there's sth I feel I can't handle on my own I will get professional help and I think thats the difference if I see someone who has wounds from the past (we kind of all have) and he owns those wounds and finds ways to deal with them (therapy, art or whatever that person chooses too) I think there lies great strength in that. And the thing is I feel all this hurt in people and most people can't express it but when you can I think there is nothing braver than that. And I also feel like sharing your deepest secrets and fears is a sign of trust. Of course there is a line and might be a strain in the relationship but I never experienced that. Also if there is a hurt in a person and the person does not express it It will Eventually show up in the relationship anyway through behavior or sth else

[caro30berlin]

Have you had that experience that being vulnerable was sth that made you less attractive to your partner?

[caro30berlin]

@Opinion owner do you know girls care about those things because we are surrounded By males (father, brothers, boyfriends) who have not found the words to express things that have happened to them and how they felt about it and it affects everyone in the life of that male so saying we don't care is not right. Men carry a lot of silent pain and it can be a cause for addiction, violence, cheating... You name it the list goes on

[Opinion Owner]

@caro30berlin Yes many me do. We are just happy that some women can hear us and fell for our struggles just like we feel for theirs.

[ragequeen]

You need to get therapy. I was abused as a child by a close family member at 12 and as I thought it wouldn't bother me later, it did. Today, I suspect anyone getting close or friendly with children are pedophiles. I don't like my boyfriend touching his sister in any way or other children. I think it would be hard for me to become a mother. You have to get therapy to lead a normal life. There is no alternative. I'm sorry this happened to you.

[Apope16]

I know about therapy. I have had it. I am not looking for an alternative. I suppose I am looking for other things that people have done on a more person to person level with their partners outside of therapy.

I am sorry about your abuse. I have had the same experience of be very suspicious of adult children dynamics.

[KrakenAttackin]

@ragequeen. You don't like your boyfriend touching his sister? Like a goodbye hug?

[ragequeen]

@KrakenAttackin nope. I react. And I know it's crazy, but that's the aftermath of childhood abuse.

[OlderAndWiser]

I wish I could offer you some brilliant insights but I have not had any experience remotely approaching what you have described. The only suggestion I would have is to find a support group for adult survivors of childhood abuse. Perhaps others who have survived and overcome such devastation could offer you some guidance on how they did it.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I'd like to give some advice but I'm not the most suitable person... all I can say is that I'm sorry you had to endure that.

[Screenwriter]

You have a long row to hoe.
It's good you know you should be in therapy. It will take some time. A few years, because you were injured for such a long time.
Be patient with yourself.
I would suggest being friends with women, only. Get to know women as people. Some will be people you can trust and hang out with. Choose women you're not attracted to in a romantic way.
Your mother and grandmother should've been those women too. If you can get an elder mentor, say an older woman who you can develop trust with, that would be ideal. Someone who's supportive of you regaining a healthy sense of women and the world.
I think those are safe ways of re-entering the world from which you've been cut off because of abuse.

[Finchie40]

Seek help and therapy, I was molested by my mom’s girl friend when I was younger and it has effected the way I am , I can only be intimate with a girl that makes me feel wanted and loved if I don’t have any of those feelings for her , then I want nothing do to do with her sexually , if I feel like I am being used then I lose all interest , I have friends that can just hook up with a girl to get off on and I honestly can’t do that and i always wondered why I couldn’t just have sex without a connection, so any feeling I have of feeling used is a big turn off to me

[likelyOK]

I’m sorry to hear about that but what you feel is a side effect can actually be a good thing and makes you a better person then your friends to be honest.

[Finchie40]

The bad thing is most girls like to play hard to get so in a way it sucks considering i rather have a girl chase me and make me feel wanted for me to really be interested in her , if she shows any signs of being distant and not interested I pretty much start to lose interest and feel I am being played , I don’t like girls that have other guys lined up and treat me like a convenience, But I also don’t blame girls for being that way considering I know how most guys treat them , and what they went through but it’s still a turn off to me , if I flirt with a girl I am interested in she pretty much assumes I am just trying to get in her pants which in a way is true but what she doesn’t realize is I want to keep getting into her pants and wanting her to just want me , Sadly to say most girls don’t believe that because us men are rated as horn dogs , Before social media took off I had no problem with meeting a great girl and treating her the same way I wanted to be treated but nowadays i feel so lost

[Inquisitive3]

I see you posting a lot of shit about women although I don't like your views, I respect you for acknowledging your problems. I see a lot of MGTOW guys suddenly saying their mom molested them, not saying you are lying about it but this my observation. It's quite uncommon but it does of course happen.

You know you need therapy. I have really horrific things in my past that I will never even write here but I worked through a lot of it with therapy. It is something you must do, your therapist can put you under hypnosis to find out what happened. If you won't do that, you should sign up somewhere to talk about your memories.

[Inquisitive3]

@Dweezil I never wrote that, you idiot.

[Junen]

It's not as uncommon as you think. Child Sexual assault victims are usually molested by a close family member.

[Inquisitive3]

@Junen It is uncommon, I've seen the stats.

[Junen]

And I've seen it firsthand, and have experienced it myself. I've also seen "the stats" and 90% of child sexual assault victims know the attacker or were close with them.

[Inquisitive3]

@Junen Women rarely sexually assault.

[Inquisitive3]

@Junen You are just one person, stats takes everything into account.

[virtue2332]

Either way this person needs professional help. I understand what inquisitive3 is saying. Not trying to be insensitive but my gut is also telling me something seems off about this post. For all we know the want to hear stories for other reasons. Either way if it happened they need pro help if it's trolling or made up need pro help. I also get some professional help for this post but gotta go with my gut on this one

[Inquisitive3]

@virtue2332 Oooooo! I've seen perverts like that. Getting off on stories about sexual abuse. I hope that's not the case, those people can rot in hell, they are the lowest of the low. I truly hope OP gets the help he needs, whether it be for this incident or psychopathic trolling.

[virtue2332]

Agreed

[Inquisitive3]

@virtue2332 Sensible person... followed.

[Anonymous]

I was sexually abused by my aunt between the ages of about 5 and 7ish, and later by a babysitter when I was a little older. I can't really offer any advice as I haven't figured out yet how to deal with it myself. Good luck bro.

[ThisIsMyOpinion]

I am so sorry for this.
Men shouldn't have to hide what happened to them.

[Opinion Owner]

@ThisIsMyOpinion Thank you. I agree they shouldn't have to hide it, but the reality of human nature is such that men are valued for their strength while women are valued for their soft, nurturing nature, and even their vulnerability. Men are NOT valued for their vulnerability, in fact quite the contrary. That feels wrong and the politically correct thing to say is that it IS wrong, but it's reality just the same, and that's all that matters. As much as we would like to, we will never be able to change human nature.

[Apope16]

I am sorry about what happened man. This is another thing that I have noticed in life. As a man I grow up to be attracted to the type of people that abused me. Outwardly, I am a strong confident ladies man. But when I date I tend to get manipulated by women who disrespect me or cheat. In your case you were abused younger and then it was a babysitter. Damn. It makes you wonder as a man if there is a vulnerability that women or abusers can sense and see in you. Can they smell that you have been abused and know that they can do it to you? Its tough to think about.

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks, I'm sorry about what you experienced as well. I haven't really noticed being attracted to the type of person who abused me but I can totally see how that would happen. I think I've been lucky to have had relationships with some good girls / women in my life, which may have made the difference, I don't know. Many guys are not so lucky. Best of luck to you, I hope you find peace.

By the way, I have enjoyed and appreciated some of the things you've written here at GAG.

[KrakenAttackin]

@ThisIsMyOpinion Agreed but there it is.

Every male serial killer of women was badly abused by his mother or mother figure. Women create these monsters.

[hhH2traveler]

wow, I'm sorry it sounds like you've had a terrible life. but you've gone through a lot, maybe you could use your experiences to make something good in your life from it.
I don't think your disadvantaged by not trusting people easily, there are a lot of untrustworthy people out there, and you must be especially carful with your potential partner, its too important a relationship to get messed up, but I think your going to get through this, I think your going to be just fine if you move slowly. take your time, get "it" done right because its important, and move on.

[Anonymous]

sorry an its hard but, u have to give people a chance, what u do is require a person proves themself little by little, then little by little you give them more of u, they have to earn your trust, love, whatever. requiring this weeds out the fakes, cause someone real about u won't mind the process, do this you'll be less likely to be hurt. i dont mean play hard to get, or make it hell for them, i just mean take it slow, require they earn you, then they if theyre real, will stick around an value you, if not, you'll move on fast with no hurt. its like a car, if i give u one without u earning it, sure, you'll appreciate it, maybe take care of it, but not like u would had you earned it, had to work for it. comes a point u need to decide whats happened won't define or control you, see yourself as the adult u are now, not the boy, and give people a chance, but, do it as i said.

[sp33d]

Your demons are your own to deal with. Therapy might help, I wouldn't know for sure. I was assigned therapy when I was a raging teenager and I refused. Eventually sorted things out on my own. I'm more of the opinion you have to fix yourself before you get close with someone and hope for them to (help) fix you.

As for the second part of your question - how to trust someone when you have been lied to all your life. That's overly dramatical. I get that some part of your life was rougher than usual, but that definitely hasn't been the case your entire life, now has it? It's sort of rhetorical, even, effectively we are all lied to day in and day out. Conversely, are you such a saint yourself?

[KrakenAttackin]

I have a relatively similar background. Yes therapy is needed but so is time and distance from your fucked up family.

For me starting my own life, own income, and not needing anything from the fucked up people, is where the being began.

As for dealing with women... fuck... good luck. Modern women 1) Don't give a fuck about your being abused except as an obstacle to their getting what they want from you. And 2) Pretty much every female you meet will claim "abuse" even if it was just being denied allowance for a month.

Women I have encountered tend to get angry at men who have suffered abuse, so this is something you will not be able to discuss with them. Abuse and trauma is seen by women as their sole domain and they will not tolerate your encroachment.

[MecheD]

If you can afford it absolutely seek help. As the days go by you have to find a way to separate people from the host of your issues which is no easy task when well e off of the “red flag” formula. But focus on the issue and do your best to confront it without remnants that forces you to carry it on any longer.

[pleasestopthis]

"How does someone get to a point of trusting a partner when they have been lied to their whole life?" You need to heal your heart first. A wounded person will have it very tough to trust someone because it already hurts and trusting again is like putting yourself in harm's way.

[Dbach]

Jesus Christ I’m sorry for all that shit that you have had to endure. I do hope you find the perfect woman for you.

[Apope16]

Any advice about how to trust women after all that?

[Anonymous]

I was molested by siblings, touched by an uncle and a man down the street and raped by a boyfriend
You never fully trust someone
I'm married and let my guard down and he did wrong before too

Never trust anyone
You can love
Just never let your guard down

And in future you can have kids and love and trust them along with pets
That's a real love

[Unit1]

What's the matter? Have you lost your "alphaness" and "masculinity" now?

I survived childhood abuse. I do not forget and neither do I forgive. Thus whoever screwed with me will have that grudge and that grudge will not apply to anybody else. Besides I have seen more than enough women, who aren't abusive.

[CoolKatie]

Therapy could help. I have been used and cheated on more than one. yes even my friend abuse my friendship just get the guys closed to them. some Women can sex assault. if they're lying. by the way I have been cyberbullying by a group of learning disabilities women on Facebook. they were all texting your in wrong and will not stand up for self. they were also the same college that I have gratitude from college. I have also been threaten.

[lordskull69]

Yeah don't freak out if your partner who was suffered some abuse has some kinky roleplay the issues that are clearly related to the Past abuse sometimes traumas can develop into that kind of thing later on in life

[jshm2]

It has little to do with your presumed abuse. If it mattered at all, you would be asking lawyers and they would be fighting your case and recommending therapists.

Your problems are mainly around your victim complex.

[Anonymous]

I can relate in too many ways. The best thing is therapy and to decide that you’re going to be better than those who did this to you. For me, the best thing was to tell all the people who told me to forgive to fuck off. My anger at those who hurt me is the only thing that kept me going for years

[Anonymous]

Well, I became a sex worker. After all, it's all I was and am good for. Was abused by mom and her many b/f's since I was 8 or 9. At 11, the youth minister started in. So yeah, abuse does mess with you. I dropped out of school in 10th grade, used to turn tricks for lunch money, easier and made more money to work the streets.
You said you tried therapy, but want more answers, since you are looking, seems like you need a new therapist.

[Junen]

That is not all you are good for. You are worthy and important.