Should emotional puzzle pieces align just right.. after all... easy feels good...I love lighthouses too..."oh me too"... blah blah... and our clothes match, were a hit!If so, it means you don't have to change...
... context... I've had a friendzone that felt... so easy going, fun, no pain. I learned nothing... time went by... I don't recall changing as I wasn't challenged emotionally as I remained in my comfort zone... one conditioned from the wounds of life. Do you feel fine as you are? My "soul mate" as one described, was a match from hell. She enabled me to be suspended in my flawed state of being as time wasted away.
I've had two romantic relationships since wit lots of pain, the dangling friendzone was poison, but real issues resulted from my emotional flaws in intimate relationships.
My girlfriend today challenges me on moral, value, integrity. She saw foundation cracks early... testing my perceptions was hard, I denied when she tested... avoidance, perception. It hurt her greatly to struggle against "the waves" of my wounded subconscious. I changed, after hours or weeks of fighting.
Serious flaws in my deeper inner self were exposed like the archeologists uncover old relics. Wounds of long ago, stuff that felt "normal" in me, controlled me... limited me... guided me in the wrong directions. Fear... of intimacy, shame. Trusting the wrong people and mis trusting... traced to early life bonding issues with mother. Avoidant personality, passive aggressive... wounds from being sensitive and being hurt and inability to fight back. Just a few. The roots of all is deep emotional wounding in childhood. Point being...
I was warned about how relationships are... work. I didn't understand. Being challenged with love is good.. for your own and mutual growth! Does it end? Is life like a game of donkey kong... conquor one level to get to another, try not to fall down to the bottom... or jump when it's too hard.Rescue the princess... or is she rescuing you?
Work is required
Only if it's easy... should be easy
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Note that I compared incomparables... one was not a romantic relationship. Any "friend" can be easy going and most were, in this case, she took took took. I've had few romantic relationships and each had intensity as my fears and other issues set off emotions.
My girlfriend works hard for family, love, trust, commitment in a traditional relationship, as do I. It's work to maintain what is good. The natural course of a garden is to become weeds that choak out the good fruits. Tending is good.
When we were dating, my (future) wife asked if I would be willing to go with her to counseling sessions. I had never been to a counselor in my life and didn't understand the possible value. But I figured what the heck and agreed. Maybe it would be interesting. As it turned out, my wife's motive was to see if we were compatible enough for marriage.
As it turned out, it WAS interesting. We learned a lot about each other and I learned things about myself that had never occurred to me. It was uncomfortable but enlightening.
Fast forward to after we were married. With my agreement, she had enrolled us with counselors a couple other times over the years. Not because our marriage was in trouble, but to keep it healthy and strong.
Aside from learning more about ourselves and each other, we also learned better communication skills. That has helped a lot.
In previous relationships, I had been the way you described your earlier relationships. I just cruised along. I was happy and thought everything was fine. I wasn't forced to do much self examination, so I didn't change much.
I am indebted to my wife for her wisdom. Her complete dedication to our life together is a blessing.
Through her efforts, I have realized that maintaining a healthy marriage requires constant teamwork. Not dogged work like employment. It's not distasteful. It's actually quite pleasurable and fulfilling to constantly learn about ourselves and each other, to see ourselves reflected in each other, to evolve as human beings, and to grow closer as a couple.
That's a very positive reference for counseling.. learning skills, maintaining good relational health. Sounds like she saw beyond who you were behaving as to see the greater person that was set free.
I may message you on separate questions if you'd be so inclined.
All relationships worth having take work. You don't always realise you're working on it because it's natural to make the necessary changes, but platonic or romantic relationships take work to maintain.
I've known my best mate 30 years. It's safe to say that neither of us are the same as when we met. We don't even live in the same hemisphere now, but we chat a couple of times a week and WhatsApp most days. I wouldn't be the man I am without his influence. I introduced him to his wife so it's safe to say he's changed too.
My wife keeps telling me she wants the man she married back. I keep telling her that I changed over the past 20 years - mostly because of her.
very interesting comments... wonder what the changes are. Things that should be further communicated and educated... I had no training as a kid than older friends saying "It's work"...
Everyone changes as we age. Life throws stuff at us and if we don't adapt it kills us.
Ten years ago my wife almost died and couldn't work for over a year. Our business was doing well, but we found too quickly that the income I generated was only possible because of her input. We threw our savings into it but had to close down. I had to retrain on the fly so she could take the recovery time needed.
Everyone has stuff they battle to overcome. That's the nature of this life. You change as you age.
But that's the point. I changed because of what happened. My role in the relationship and how I fulfilled it changed beyond anything I could predict.
Right now things are reversed. I almost died last year and I still need a lot of support physically and mentally. I'm lucky - I'm alive and it only cost me a leg, but it's a tough thing to get through. Right now she has to deal with our son aged 3 as well as me learning to walk again and retraining - again - so we don't get stuck in a situation where only one person's work supplies the whole income of our home.
Completely. In many ways my marriage isn't a great example of how to do it. We do speak different "love languages", which complicates things a lot, but I've never doubted her love for me and vice versa.
"Work" in a relationship all comes down to communication. In 20 years together there less than 5 days when we've not spoken. The pandemic has complicated things as she was staying with her brother when I went to hospital in lockdown and restrictions here mean when I was finally discharged we were staying at different places, but even so we see each other every day and as the restrictions are easing we're getting ready for her and our son to move back to me.
It's hard to be alone in this world. We're not designed for it. I love time alone, but only in short bursts. My Myers-Briggs type is ENFP - extrovert - but I'm on the fence about what that means. Most extroverts recharge by being in groups, I find it easier in solitude.
My family means everything to me. My relationship with my son is still new - he's 3 - so it takes work to figure out what we need to do for each other. The greatest feeling in the world is when he throws himself into my arms and says "I wuv you daddy!" so I guess our communication is OK
Yeah, but not in a toxic, unhealthy way that drains you and/or your partner. I think it requires the kind of work that pushes you to grow, to be a better person, in order for the relationship to keep getting better and not stuck in one place.
An example would be working on being good at communicating your feelings instead of holding grudges or running away. Learning to compromise and not only think about yourself. These are hard for some people who grew up not learning how to do them. So it would require work but only if you believe the relationship is worth staying.
If the relationship is already growing and both parties have worked on their traits that needed to be improved, relationships would still be needing to require work. Like showing efforts and going out of your way to make your partner feel loved and appreciated.
Another example would be working on yourself to be capable of trusting your partner fully even though all you want to do is protect yourself from being betrayed and hurt. Every relationship, basically, requires work. Just different kinds of work since no two relationships are the same.
The majority of 'work' isn't about the relationship, it's about out whether or not prioritize the relationship/ combined lifestyle and communicate constructively in the gaps.
Most immature adults fall into the tantrum trap when they feel they aren't getting the attention they 'deserve' whether it's sexual, gifts, punctuality, romantic words, or intimacy. A lot of fights also happen over standard and style of living. It's much easier to debate how to load the dishwasher vs why someone never bothers to load/unload the dishwasher.
@Xoxocutekitty. Maybe... When the wife wants more, bigger, shinier, faster.. this means the man has to work more to give her the big house, new cars, shiny things, which means he sounds more time at work. Than she complains he isn't committed to the relationship when in fact he is giving all he can give. She is never happy.
Now you will see a legion of women say they aren't interested in "big houses, new cars, shiny things", don't you believe it -- not for a second. Once married most women demand the "Pinterest Marriage" which is very expensive.
@KrakenAttackin I do agree that women, like everyone, are often subject to keeping up with the Jonseses. Yes, as women get older they do want more, shiner, faster, etc. I think that's pretty universal no?
Plus once both parties have already committed to a mortgage, the opportunity cost really sets in. Maybe not the first 5 years, but definitely 15 years in. I do think that men are more susceptible to the car thing though. Don't women want expensive jewelry instead lol?
bottom line... needs are not being met, which roots to emotionally conflicts. as I look more into these things, the root is the child. Everyone has one inside... with assumptions, beliefs, expections, and needs to be fulfilled.
@KrakenAttackin: Men act like children as well. Both have difficulty changing old patterns that conflict with the other be it in values, training, behavior, etc..
Think of a relationship as a plant. Literally just like that. Too much or too little water and the plant dies. Keep the perfect balance and it thrives. Sometimes things change and the plant gets sick. But it takes a prolonged problem to kill the plant. So do right by the plant, water daily but never too much. And don't forget about it either or it dies!
Hence why the vast majority fail , but they should not be a Herculean effort either , an indicator they are not a suitable pairing. I have learnt they are not for me , like being single too much.
@lightbulb27 We are conditioning people to expect a human relationship to be "hard work". Is your relationship with your best friend "hard work"? Your mother/father? If your immediate family relationships are "hard work" you normally seek to limit exposure and contact and call them "toxic". if you friendship with your best friend was "hard work" you would probably find a different best friend. Why do we expect male/female relationships are normally "hard work" when we would not except this in any other relationship in our lives?
When your girlfriend/wife is acting like a spoiled child people say "happy wife, happy life", this is the "hard work" of a relationship"... I call bullshit. When someone doesn't enjoy their job we say "get a different job". But somehow we expect people (especially men) to put up with the most obtuse and childish behaviour in a romantic relationship. I ask you WHY?
A healthy romantic relationship should not be "HARD WORK", yes there are compromises but that should not be a grind. Who the fuck needs a second full-time job? I do "hard work" at work, I don't need another "hard job" at home as well.
you make valid points, honestly, we all just want to feel good, including me, be happy, have fun, have our needs met. But that means... stay whom I am, which in some areas is F'd up human. Friends/family who challenge me make me better, if it's done do well... which is not easy. This is harder in intimate relationships where the emotion, fears, security are triggered.
I wouldn't want hard for 30 years, but some hard is ok to get to stable. True of training Navy Seals or paratroopers, or physicists.
Appears my question was a good one... for at least engaging people.
@lightbulb27. I was a bit harsh calling you "idiot", I just want younger men to wake up and realize you don't have to accept the status quo. YOU DO NOT have to couple yourself with a woman who makes you miserable and requires constant "hard work". Any "hard work" in a relationship should be borne 50/50 by both parties not just the man. When you hear of the compromises and load bearing in a relationship it is almost always the men who has to change, confirm, submit, to the desires of the woman. Ask any married man who has to give more in compromises, you will be shocked at the answers.
agree, thank you. I think it's generally the man who feels he has to adapt and compromise, but I also think the women believe they have to carry the emotional load in the relationship and often feel they have to do the hard work. I may ask that question for perspective. To me, hard work, is emotionally challenging to my perspective. I can move 2 tons of bricks easier than deal with something that I don't agree with that roots in my emotional programming. For a time I didn't know what an emotional relationship was, now I see that as what is really going on regardless. I'll stop there, thank you for your insight.
Work would mean it takes effort. If relationships took no effort, you wouldn't deepen your love for each other. Stress also tests your bond and helps you feel proud of it!
You write flowery. Like trying hard to impress, which falls on the dumb and deaf here. It's all good, just a little boring. Good for you for working it out. And yes, they take some effort, but if it's a lot of work maybe it's just not a good match. I know, I've been married a total of over forty years, thirty for wifey ver 2.0. It's not all peaches and cream.
Work is required. Easy doesn't mean lazy. Work would be super easy if you're really into them
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Anonymous
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+1 y
Relationships do take SOME work, but the right relationship usually isn't THAT difficult. The relationships that require constant work usually mean you're not with the right person.
Not necessarily true, if that were true people back then would not have made it as far as they did. Some got lucky to find someone not so broken. Others found love even being broken and stayed beside their partner and they grew together no matter how much the other need to work on themselves. Now a days that's why a lot of people do not sustain strong relationships, they just walk away even if things are not to difficult just not good enough. It's definitely complicated but sadly there is a lot of lacking in emotional intelligence in these generations.
@JustAnj I admitted relationships take some work. Never disputed that fact. But I also see a lot of people who try to force the wrong relationships. If there is constant fighting, lack of trust, and a ton of drama, that's usually a sign that you're in the wrong relationship. When you meet the right person, some much of the trivial stuff just isn't there. And when you come across real problems, you work through them together and resolve them as quickly as possible because the relationship as a whole is more important than dwelling on anger over trivial things.
So many people fight over stupid stuff, like who left dirty dishes in the sink or whose turn it is to take out the trash. Life is too short to waste over stupid arguments.
I understand but I think your missing a big issue in today's people. They don't seem to be taking care of themselves mentally thinking that care means physically. People are not trying to better who they are and if you think marriage is silly with small arguments then your not paying attention to why they happen. Quick is why people run and not realize they are making their own mistakes.
A wrong relationship is about fighting about small things the wrong relationship is violence and having nothing to keep you two strong and efficient. Wrong would be that feeling you knew you never will love this person. Wrong is cheating and thinking it has no meaning. There is a lot more then those other small things that easily can be resolved.
There is a reason why many people don't see a point to even being serious anymore. It's honestly heartbreaking.
@Subarugirl. Relationships take work if you are being forced to tolerate each other. True compatibility does require an excess of pain relative to pleasure.
@KrakenAttackin no one said anything about pain. You got to work through the issues you have in your marriage, and put effort into nurturing that relationship. You think that when things get hard it’s just not worth it anymore?
@Subarugirl. Define hard? She is throwing a tantrum? She wants a bigger house, shinier things, a more Pinterest life?
Effort and work are different things. "Work" implies something forced upon us that we have to do to live. Effort, yes, work, no.
Also, any "works" or "effort" in the relationship needs to be borne 50/50. This basic concept of "equality" is genuinely distasteful to most women.
What other relationship would you tolerate having to "work"? If your relationship with your best friend required "work" , you would find a new best friend.
@KrakenAttackin people work to improve themselves, why not to I prove their marriage. If you’re not willing to invest in your marriage then you shouldn’t be getting married.
