Often people (both men and women) do shitty things to their partners only because they can do it vs. not caring if they should.
It’s sad that decent men and women have to be on their guard and often encounter bs early in relationships. I have had several bad experiences trying to date women in the early stages. But I have developed a “spidey sense” over the years and I’ll cut it off when the I see the bullshit meter rising. It’s usually in situations where the woman doesn’t respect me but it’s stringing me along for her own conceited purposes.
Anyway there comes a point where the writing is on the wall. Your partner might be abusive, selfish, unfair, manipulative, etc. At that point it’s UP TO YOU to stay or leave.
But I noticed many people (usually women) opt to stay only to endure more bs. I’m sorry but that’s on you. Yeah your boyfriend is a dbag but in western society you have the freedom of choice. You can leave. But instead you just take more abuse than want to turn around and later blame all men for your bad experience. Also some women take their emotional baggage out on future (innocent) guys about their past experiences. Quit that bs.
It depends. If they lied, hid their past, and hid important aspects of them then it wouldn't be the person's fault that chose them.
Example: If the person had a kid from an ex, or used to do drugs which could likely lead to learning disabilities in their future offspring, or they had huge loan debt, or had a promiscuous past so they thought of sex as more physical pleasure and not as a special unique emotional connection so they were much more likely to cheat, etc. and hid that from their partner, it wouldn't be their partner's fault for choosing them.
If the person openly admitted to having a promiscuous past, or admitted they used to do drugs, or admitted they had a kid from someone else, or admitted they stayed in contact with their ex, etc. and their partner STILL chose them after knowing that information, then in that case it WOULD be their fault for choosing a bad partner.
So it is highly dependent on how much information they have about the person when choosing to be with them. A person's past matters a lot. It tells you what kind of person they are. People can try to hide how they are, maybe even temporarily try to fool themselves into thinking they changed, but most of the time people don't change and usually revert back to their natural personality/morals/actions.
I don’t think it’s necessarily YOUR FAULT.
Because a lot of those narcissist can be really good at playing innocent and decent, for quite a while. Their know how to play their cards, their game, they know how to play you DUE TO EXPERIENCE.
You can’t be blaming yourself, as it’s a party of TWO, you’re a PAIR.
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I feel like the only time you can be “accountable” is when you’ve known this person for a while… 1 year or 3 years.. and then after finding out that is person is a serial cheater, and has baby moms or baby daddies, and know how they are.
And THEN you choose to jump into a relationship with someone that you KNOWWW what they’re like and their history..
Then yes you can blame yourself and it can be considered YOUR FAULT.
Because you KNEW how they are..
And you still chose to be with them..
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Thats why I always say.. DO NOT sleep with someone or date someone, until you've befriended them. Because as their FRIEND / BESTIE they’ll tell you things that they wouldn’t have told you otherwise.
And that’s what I’ve always done. I put them in the FRIEND ZONE for a year , I don’t care how attractive they are, idc if he’s like BRAD PITT. He’s staying there until I figured out all his cards.
I made the best choice possible when I was 18 and he was 18 but now at nearly 27 it ended because he changed for the worse over the years and I kept hoping the innocent, sweet, thoughtful, amazing person he was at 18 would come back.
If you get into a long-term committed relationship very young the reality is that both people could either grow together or apart. He chose porn and greed and drugs over me every time these past two years while making promises that he'd propose. Then he financially abused me because I had much more credit than he did but he had a bunch of crypto money. What he didn't realize is that legally our separation is identical to a divorce where we live. I felt horrible for a while but now I don't care, the judge can do whatever, I'm sick of creditors calling.
The sad thing is that even his dad and sister told me "we barely recognize him anymore, it's incredibly disappointing just watching him ruin his own life." People can change so completely and so quickly that one day you wake up and they feel like a stranger.
Opinion
51Opinion
u "Fault" may be too strong, but if I choose the wrong person to be my partner, for whatever reason, that is my responsibility. . . unless my partner engaged in a systematic scheme to deceive me (and that almost never happens to anyone.)
Yes, because if you start a relationship and you begin to see a bunch of red flags and you decide to voluntarily ignore them, then you are the one deciding to be in a toxic relationship. 🤷🏻♀️ If you choose that person, you can always not choose them.
ok. so realistically, people usually do not see or care about their partner's flaws during the beginning. Even if they do see it , they try to block it out or say they're so in love that their partner has no flaws. Even if they see their partner's flaws, they will have the ability to overlook it. They don't tend to care until their partner starts doing dishonest things to them. They only start to care when their partner's selfishness, toxicity starts affecting them.
During the beginning of romance (honeymoon phase), these toxic guys always put their best foot forward. It's not until years later when the exciting days are over, life settles in and you start seeing their attitude, selfishness, true inner character.
No. Abusers rarely show their true colors until well into the relationship and they also usually manipulate, isolate and emotionally/mentally break down their partner little by little so you don’t notice it while it’s happening. It’s not until they feel they have gained full control over their victim and broken them down enough they start abusing them on the next level (pure verbal/emotional abuse and/or physical violence). The victim is left thinking it’s their fault this lovely man (or woman) has become an abuser because this wasn’t who they were before (they were of course, they just didn’t show it). They’re too in the middle of it and manipulated, brainwashed really, to see the situation like others do.
Every situation is different. Sometimes you put on rose coloured glasses and you don’t see the red flags or you ignore them so yeah that’s slightly your fault. BUT a lot of humans in this day and age are great at hiding what kinda of person they are and are manipulative. After all, people show their best selves at the beginning of every relationship. The nicest girl or guy could end up being abusive or shitty. They just know how to play their cards right. So I wouldn’t put the blame entirely on the person picking. It really depends.
It's your (everyone's) job to vet your partner before you commit to them. That means both having serious conversations AND observing their behavior with other people, including with you. Most importantly, you must be honest with yourself about the results.
A lot of people just aren't willing to do the work, or are in denial about the major red flags they uncover, because "she's so hot" or "he's so handsome" or other shallow reasons. If you then stay with that partner that you didn't vet or ignored their terrible morals and values, then, yes, it's your fault.
Yes, I agree that it's POSSIBLE for someone to hide who they really are and change later, but that's rarer than most people want to admit, and most of the time, people just didn't do their due diligence and vet their partner.
It's not your fault.
Narcissistic people are very convincing and in the beginning they're lovely and you believe them and you fall for it all, but as the relationship starts and you go further down the rabbit hole it all starts to crumble they start to gaslight you and make you feel like you're going mad they stop you seeing friends and family they lie and blame you for it all.
And sometimes it's hard to leave, people can't leave for fear of what the narcissist will do some have nowhere else to go so have to stay or some are so lonely they put up with it rather than be alone.
It's not the victims fault at all, you shouldn't feel bad for getting in to that situation.
Provided they were up front with you in the first place and you ignored the warnings then you have to accept some or all of the responsibility for your own bad choices.
However, getting to know someone is a difficult process and it may not have been clear what they were like. People usually present their best side at first or maybe hide their worst side. You may later learn something about someone that wasn't obvious at first.
Lastly, people do change. It's difficult or impossible to know how at the start of a relationship.
Not ones fault for choosing a terrible partner. Since people are real good at hiding their true personality until the other person is settled in the relationship. Then they rip off that damn mask... Well more like slowly peel off their fascade to let their real true toxic personality show. Its always a slow burn.
It IS, however, one's fault for staying after the person has been revealed to be a terrible partner. I can get why people get stuck even after the reveal though. People get stuck on the first impression they had of the person which was positive and do their damnest to cling to it in hopes the person will go back to it. Not realizing that the initial presentation was never the real them. it was just bait.
relationships are hard and getting out of one where you put in work to get comfortable in sucks like hell. So I won't shame. I've been there.
Okay, this really does depend on the situation. There are sometimes when someone seems really great and as you get to know them they become abusive later one.
There are other times where... Yea you picked her/him. You knew they were bad news or did something before but you keep running back.
Like you got bit by the dog once. You don't fucking go back up to the dog again
Women seem to get involved with men who are not good for them more than vice versa, as women also more often - way more often in fact - put up with or even keep going back to men who are bad partners. This is some kind of a self-love issue. Regardless, yes, if you choose it, it is your fault. We are all responsible for what we tolerate when we really don't have to.
It's not your fault if the person faked their personality in the beginning. It's only your fault if you knew exactly what you would be getting and you went for it anyway. But once you see that they're a terrible person, it does become your responsibility to make a better choice, now that you have all the information you need.
Yes and no. It's your "fault" for staying after you've taken the mental effort to create a list of all your grievances and how they conflict with your relationship satisfaction. For some, it can take weeks, months, years to admit why they are unhappy.
It's not your fault per say, if you find out shit about your partner or if your partner turns a complete 180 through no fault of your own, becomes addicted, cheats, etc.
Yes of course it is your fault. There is far more to a relationship than someone's looks.
Hell this has been known for GENERATIONS.
The old saying - beauty is only skin deep but ugly cuts straight to the bone (or essentially someone can look like a god but have a very ugly soul) - has been around for over 130 years. And other takes on that just as long or longer.
Yes and no.
The trouble with today's society is narcissism and sociopathy are on the rise. It's easy to fall in love with these people because they have charm. As long as they are getting what they want that will focus on you and make you feel special. We see them through "rose-tinted" glasses. So at first, it isn't your fault. But when we constantly get hurt by these people it's time to take off the "rose-tinted" glasses. If we don't grow up then it's our fault.
As a rule, I think it is 100% your fault. First, people are entering relationships after knowing each other for a few months. Still, others do so while still in college. When I am asked by a man about this I tell them to wait until they are out of school and don't get into an exclusive relationship until they have known that person for a few years. Male or female, if you throw caution to the wind and let your passions rule you in most situations it will NOT end well.
It is your fault but not entirely. People sometimes get confused and there are a lot of physical changes people undergo when they are attracted to somebody. It is easy t olose control. Also, people sometimes are capable of deceit and can fool somebody until they gat married.
Trauma causes people to do messed up decisions. Anyone who thinks people are at fault for their trauma, has bigger problems to focus on. If it happens to you, please know it's not your fault. Please seek help and know that the majority out here are rooting for you.
The universe is against me and hates me so much it wants to crush my spirit.
If only I had some control over my life.
Depends. If you’ve realized early on that there are a bunch of red flags and still decide to go on with then you’re at fault. But a lot of people are very good at hiding their true colors, they act wonderful at the beginning and only switches when they know that they fully have you under their spell. My cousin was dating a guy for 4 years and he was just so sweet, they then got married and all of a sudden he got very controlling and even abusive, it was a major plot twist.
