I need advice on a life changing decision I have to make?

[Anonymous]

I realize asking strangers online will not solve my very real dilemma, but I thought I would anyway just to see what you all say.

Ultimately the choice is mine and only mine.

👇🏻👇🏻

I recently broke up with my boyfriend because he is indecisive on having children. Because of a previous marriage he is now traumatized to get married and have kids again. We love each other but I know I want marriage and kids.

Since I recently broke up with him, we still talk everyday and he told me he's thinking about kids more than he ever has before and how he doesn't want to lose me...

Wellll... to get over him quicker and distract myself because I'm so distraught over this breakup, I started talking to a man I briefly talked to before I got serious with my boyfriend. This man wants marriage, kids the whole shebang. We get along pretty well and I do like him.

The problem? Should I hold off with this new man until I'm absolutely sure my boyfriend has made up his mind about kids or should I just accept he's indecisive and start this new relationship with someone who actually wants what I want?

And no, no matter how many of you advise I take a break from dating altogether, I won't do that.

#relationshipadvice

#breakup

Hold off until you're sure you won't be having kids with him

Just move on and date someone who actually wants what you want

Other...

[NathanDavis]

I won't sugar coat anything...

last thing you said is that you will not take a break from dating, and I agree with that... keep dating, but do that only, just keep dating and keep meeting new people

just do not plan a whole life time with every or any person you date, that would be a mistake

your ex-boyfriend saying "now he is thinking about kids" that is not a good thing, he does not want kids at all, the only thing he wants is to have you back, so he will do anything to make you go back to him, but trust me... once you are back, he will do everything possible to avoid having kids because he just does not want them, he will not change his mind or his heart about it, if he were capable of that he would have done for the good reasons while he was with you and he had you, and he would have wanted it for himself too, but he never has, and he never will... so do not fall for his attempt to manipulate you into going back to him, probably, the very first thing he will say once you are back is "well I never said I wanted kids, I just said I was thinking about it"

now, as for the new guy, he does not know you yet, not well enough... and it doesn't matter how much he knows till now, but he has never been your boyfriend, he has never lived with you, he doe not know everything about you, so he is no position to make a good choice about having a family with you and neither are you, you don't know everything about him for what really matters just like it happened with your exboyfriend, in only a year time, everything changed a lot, you changed a lot as well... and you are still going to keep changing or adjusting a bit more in the next years

so don't do that, don't make a lifetime decision yet about kids and family when you yourself are not even sure of what you want, you say you wants kids and family and a man to take care of you, but to think we want something, and to actually live through that are very different things

so maybe keep dating but just that, dating other people

don't rush into things just because you have the chance into things... just wait till you are in a much better position to make much better choices

because these two right now are sounding like "who is the less worse and problematic" rather than "who is the best one that could get even better"

your future family and future children deserve much better than this, and so do you...

[Asker]

Listen, I agree with almost everything you said. But I do want to make it clear that my ex definitely isn't manipulative... I'm the one who keeps asking him if he's sure yet about having kids. He doesn't keep trying to call me to tell me to "not breakup" because he hasn't decided yet. He's been very kind through the whole break-up and understands why I did it. But thank you for the advice.

[NathanDavis]

yes, I understand that... anything I said of course comes from a perspective, in which I will not know the whole situation, so at the end of the day, you will know much better and it will be your decision to make

[Guardian45]

Firstly, I'm terrible with decisions like this. But when I am faced with an irreversible choice, then I like to do the math so to speak.

For each guy, write down ALL his Pros & Cons. Does one of them have TOO MANY Cons? Do the Pros look better on one guy than the other? How do these Pros & Cons fit in with your life. Would you have to drastically change yourself to incorporate one of them into your life? These answers should help you make a livable decision.
Good Luck! Let us know what happens!

[Guardian45]

Thank you for MHG!

[Asker]

Np..

[Guardian45]

Let us know what you decide

[1GoldTwins]

Oooo... That is a hard question I can see why you posted it, the more replies the better!

I would go with the new guy. It's a leap into the unknown. But the guy you're with, was indicisive about having kids. It's a pretty big goal and future and it's important that you're with the right partner for such a thing. Only after breaking up, he's been forcing himself to think about children. I don't think he wants to lose you, but only now he tells you that he's been thinking about it more. I would be afraid that he would still be indecisive and will just marry you and things would break down later. Maybe he says he wants them just to keep you. Maybe he says he's open to it, while he isn't, and he's not even aware of it. People who tell themselves they are willing to do something (for the sake of doing it), while they're not and then find out midway that it's not what they want. It's a scary thing.

[Asker]

You're definitely right.

[Confusedashell123]

This is so difficult and I’m sorry for the position you’re in at the moment.
From my experience, when someone tells you something as big as that you should listen the FIRST TIME. No excuses.
he could tell you he wants kids and the whole shebang just to keep you and then break your heart down the line. This other guy wants what you want from the sounds of it so you could be passing up a happy life if you just let him go for the chance of the current boyfriend. Use your head in this situation and not your heart. It won’t let you down.

[Asker]

Thank you so much 💞

[LazerBean]

Forget your ex. He's just saying what he can to keep you. He didn't just magically change and now he wants marriage and kids. He might reluctantly get married and have kids, then probably resent you for "trapping him" later, but if he didn't want it then he doesn't want him now.

[Asker]

First, thank you for reading all of that. And second, yeah I definitely see what you're saying. I've known him for a long time and he is definitely not the manipulative type... to be honest I'm the one who keeps asking him if he's sure yet about the kids and he's been so kind even though I broke up with him.

[Yeetboi__]

Although @LazerBean came at me the other day, I gotta say I agree. Who knows what his thought process is and if you've got a bun in the oven and he starts getting regrets like his last relationship, that's just not healthy.

[Yeetboi__]

Use this opportunity to start fresh, especially with someone that's told you out front that they want the same vision as you. I've never been in this situation; Nor do I hope to be, but I assume you're childless, so why have it with someone that doesn't even know if they're ready themselves? Right? He'll just end up panicking and probably become an issue, no matter how the relation is.

But yes, stick to your guns, and it's alright if you need that fresh start. I wouldn't want to eat off of a dirty plate? Ya feel?

[Juxtapose]

It sounds like the poor guy really wants to have you back and he's possibly willing to make choices he will regret later to get you back. How long has your ex been indecisive on this issue? It's hard for me to make a choice without knowing that.

[Asker]

Well it's the poor both of us... he's been indecisive since day 1 and he always knew how I felt. I should've broke things off then but I was much younger than him and this was my first relationship ever. I stayed with him for a year asking him on a semi regular about kids and he always said he doesn't know.

[Juxtapose]

Do you think given his past he just needs to feel safe and trust you? This could be a chance to genuinely win him over but it's hard for me to say without knowing the guy myself. It also depends on how much you feel for the other guy.

[Asker]

I thought that for a long time. But after a year he was ready for me to move in and said he loved me to death- but he still wasn't sure about kids. I feel like it's safe to say he just doesn't wanna do it all over again.

[Juxtapose]

Then from my point of view it sounds like the newer guy would be the better choice because although your ex really loves you he would have resentment if he felt like he was stuck doing something he didn't want. Of course people caring for children should be enthusiastic and very prepared.

Breakups really hurt, if you ever want to talk you can shoot me a message. I hope whichever path you choose leads you to a good future, you seem like you have your head on straight and all :)

[Asker]

Thank you 😌

[AviatorTom]

Time to move on. If your existing boyfriend really changes his mind, he'll fight for you, once he learns you're with someone else.

[EaterPeter]

Keep yourself busy without getting serious with other guys. Let things unfold at their own pace. Try not to rush or slow down. That being said it should not take 30 years or 15. You know what I am saying.

[EaterPeter]

Thanks for like!

[EaterPeter]

Thanks for likes!

[ElementoP]

You broke with him and immediately started talking to another guy that you never forgot about and you're the "distraught" vicitm?
Fuck you. That's your advice.

[Asker]

You're joking right? The whole time I was in a relationship with my boyfriend I never thought about anyone else. My boyfriend's been saying for over a year now that he isn't sure about kids and it's emotionally draining so I decided to break up. We've been broken up for about a month now and THEN I started talking to the new guy. You tried really hard to find a negative in this didn't you? Maybe you got cheated on and you think every woman cheats or something? I don't know but you sound miserable

[Wubs3000]

It's too late now you already broke up with him his views are probably influenced by the threat of losing you. I think what you did was kinda messed up though just work with him

[Asker]

What the fuck did I do that was messed up? He literally didn't want kids but I did so I broke up. I didn't cheat so wtf?

[Wubs3000]

Messed up was the wrong word maybe like insensitive I guess or that you kinda jumped the gun. I don't really know the context but I feel like its better to work things out

[Asker]

@Yeetboi__ lmaoo you think my ex already moved on? You literally don't know him. He's been telling me how much he misses me and he's literally 50 years old. He hadn't been in a relationship before me for over 10 years. Fuck off

[shortster]

The point of dating is finding someone who wants the same things out of life that you do. Your ex doesn't; this new guy does. Might as well move on to the new guy and see if you are a good match.

[Putriz]

You fucking love your ex, so go back with him. Who cares if he is indecisive? It’s not a no yet, and it may be a yes on the near future. You’re being too harsh onto the poor guy. Even I pity him.

[Asker]

Your age tells me all I need to know. It's not like he's indecisive about what kind of a wedding venue he wants. He's indecisive about fucking kids. That's a big fucking deal. He isn't a young man anymore, he's 50. He knows what he wants at that age. I really hope you experience loving someone who doesn't want the same life choices that you do, let me know how it works out for you.

[Asker]

Do you even realize that if he did decide to have kids, it wouldn't be because he wants them? He literally told me himself that if he was to have kids it would be so he wouldn't lose me. What a wonderful way to start a family huh?

[Putriz]

Even so, I don’t understand why you must break up with him. No matter if I was 1, 10, 20, 50 or whatever years old, I’d at least wait for them to make a concrete decision. Of course I wouldn’t wait for like 10 years for him to choose, but since he had children beforehand he must know the difficulties of having children and that it can change a lot of things on the relationship. As you stated though, I never did and never will experience what the two of you are feeling, so this is just my opinion. Do what you want, I do not control you either ways.

[sage2021]

Is your decision based solely on which guy wants s kids? I didn't hear you mention anything about love for either of them. Shouldn't Love be part of this equation? 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Asker]

Obviously I love my ex. Why else would I be considering him if he already stated he doesn't want kids? Wtf

[sage2021]

@Vendela have you even had time to love the new guy? It's kinda confusing - WTF!

[Asker]

You obviously missed the whole point of this post then. I'm asking whether or not I should stay with my ex that I love, even though he doesn't want kids but I do, or should I move on and try to find love with this new guy who also wants kids.

[sage2021]

@Vendela oh, ok then. If the guy you love absolutely doesn't want kids and you do, then I would have to say try and find love with the new guy that already wants children. I hope you do find mutual love with the new guy.
Having a family is a big deal, and some women claim their body is craving to have a baby inside. I don't know how true that is, but I am sure that happens.
Lots of good wishes to you. I hope you end up with a nice little family one day☮️

[Asker]

Thanks so much. I can't explain it but I'm definitely craving having a child.

[isoterminal2060]

I would say hold off until you actually know what you individually want.

[DermalPunch]

Why are you blue?

[Asker]

Oh my god that's what you get from this whole post?

[DermalPunch]

It's confusing me because you are talking about kids. I'm thinking this is a gay relationship so I'm lost

[Asker]

And what if it is gay? The question still remains, what do I do?