Why does my boyfriend have this rule that I can’t hang out with him while he is with his friends or be alone with his friends?

[Anonymous]

So my boyfriend has this extremely strict rule that I can’t hang out one on one with any of his friends or hang out with him while he is with them, and I’m not at all one of these girlfriends that just doesn’t understand he needs his guy time, this is a no exception rule. When I’ve asked him about it he told me because he had a past experience where a friend will try to do something with his girl and since then it’s a no exception rule unless I bring a female friend, I just feel like it seems a little shady or at the least a huge inconvenience because if one of my female friends cancels he will tell me I can’t be around his friend while he is over, it just feels extreme.

[Jacobbbb]

I mean I can sorta understand the one on one thing since why would you be spending time with another guy alone when you have a boyfriend, that kinda makes a little bit of sense. But I think he's being a little possessive and kinda insecure. Shows he doesn't trust his friends either which is kinda sad

[Asker]

It’s really hard to accept he tells me about all these situations where his friends start trying to get his girlfriend attention in the past, I tell him that he needs to let go of it and get rid of the friends that would be disrespectful but he would rather cancels plans with me if my other female friend cancels and start yelling if I say anything about it, I don't know if this is something worth breaking up over but it makes me really sad to. He’s hung out with my friends I just hate this double standard. What do you think?

[Jacobbbb]

Yeah I agree with you on that a double standard shouldn't exist. Sounds like he's got some troubles with his past and he's projecting those things on his current relationship which is kinda fucked up. If it was me I wouldn't stick around but do what makes you the happiest at the end of the day because that's the most important thing

[Asker]

I really love him a lot but I feel like this relationship has become to one sided and I don’t know how to stop loving him so much I’m willing to look past the toxicity

[Jacobbbb]

Yeah it's hard when you know you're attached to someone. I was the same way with my ex, she was bad for me, she was toxic, but I just overlooked it all cause I really liked her. Just do what's best for you

[Asker]

How did you start to detach and breakup?

[Jacobbbb]

Sorta started distancing myself cause the whole situation was rough, and then she cheated on me. Broke it off after that

[slatyb]

Why? Who cares. It’s bizarre and controlling. End this.

[Asker]

Can you maybe give me some advice on how I can try to talk to him about it?

[slatyb]

What have you said so far? You could tell him that he is not your parent, he doesn’t get to make rules telling you who you can and cannot see, and If that’s the sort of relationship he wants, he needs to find someone else.

[Asker]

Thankyou for the response I’ve just had very similar disagreements come up in the same relationship and he always tells me I’m not taking his feelings into account, makes me feel crazy

[slatyb]

That’s gaslighting.. You aren’t happy. This is only going to get worse over time. DTMFA. Then review the relationship for early transgressions, and put them on your list of deal-breakers.

I’m thinking that your boundaries are weaker than is healthy. Did you have a traumatic or neglectful childhood?

[Asker]

My childhood wasn’t great but I’ve worked on healing the childhood wounds in counseling, I just always question myself first which can be good in terms of self reflection but I feel like has confused me a lot when I’m dealing with someone that is always 100% sure of themself or at least acts like it.

[slatyb]

" I feel like [it] has confused me a lot when I’m dealing with someone that is always 100% sure of themself or at least acts like it." What is your counselor saying about this? in my opinion his behavior is not nice, not loving. It's bullying. Your relationship should be a safe place in your life, a place where you feel fully accepted, good and bad. It should not be an additional source of self-doubt.

[Marshymallow]

I mean you obviously know it doesn’t make sense but you’re still with him and can’t talk him out of it. I don’t see what anyone on here will say that’d possibly change your mind

[Asker]

Well I was hoping to get some opinions that either made me feel more comfortable and understand his point of view/ ways to talk to him about taking down the rule

[ChrisBlue2120]

When I had a hot girlfriend I didn't tell her she couldn't hang out with my friends, I just dumped my friends. Problem solved.

[Asker]

He refuses to do that and he just yells at me if my friend cancels and tells me I have to stay home and if I say anything I’m ruining his night, what do you recommend in this situation?

[Asker]

It’s only okay when I invite another female friend for his friends I guess, I just feel disrespected

[ChrisBlue2120]

I'm a different kind of guy than him I think.
Buddies have always come very easy to me, guys typically just follow me around and want to be my friend whether I like it or not. It's bad to say, but I've always felt like I can replace my friends very easily.
I tend to obsess about women and I don't exactly look like a male model so when I have a girlfriend she becomes my main focus. I honestly don't trust myself around other guy's wives and girlfriends (I will flirt) so I definitely don't trust them around mine, and I very rarely miss my guy friends. It's probably because I'm pretty independent and I have a son to hang out with, so I don't really need adult male friends unless it's business related.
I do think your boyfriend is handling things wrong, and showing his insecurity too much by his demands of you. Obviously I don't think "Friends" of either sex are particularly helpful to a relationship, but I think he needs to choose one or the other, or else mix the two and hope for the best.
If I had a girlfriend who spent all her time with friends but wouldn't let me be around her when she's with them, I would feel controlled and manipulated. She would be better off to just make her friends less of a priority, and spend time with me. Just my opinion.