What are ways that a girl can be more expressive in a relationship (non-sexually)?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I just had a hard conversation with each other. He feels that our relationship hasn't changed much since we've been just friends. He is constantly saying how he wants me to be more expressive. I felt like I've been improving with that... And he says I have, but he's wanting more. He knows I'm Catholic so he's fine with a non-sexual relationship. He mentioned that he hasn't felt content in the relationship since we started dating. It's just making me feel like crap cause I thought I was being what he wants in a girl. The things that he has told me to work on, I thought I have improved on significantly. I asked him what he wants from me specifically, so I can try to work on it but I dont feel like I got much of an answer. It was just vague. Communicate more and be more affectionate. I've been telling him constantly how I love him and how I always feel so happy to be with him (and meaning it). I feel like I'm practically hanging on him when we're together sometimes. I'm at a total loss on what to do. Can anyone help me out? I've never been a really expressive person to start with so this has been difficult for me to work on. I don't want to lose what I have with him and he says he doesn't either but if our relationship keeps going like this, it's not going to work...

Anyone have any suggestions to how I can make things better?

[MrOracle]

Obviously, the best person to answer these questions would be HIM, and none of us can KNOW what he's thinking, but I'm going to take my best guess, knowing that I could be wrong. He doesn't sound like the average guy, so it's possible that this doesn't apply to him, but here goes anyway.

When he tells you he wants you to communicate more, I suspect he's looking for non-romantic communication. In other words, I think he wants more - OF SUBSTANCE - about the rest of your relationship. Do you have relationship goals? Career goals? General life goals? Where are you on achieving them? Did you pass your classes, or did you get promoted at work, or has your savings account reached your short-term goal, etc? He's likely NOT looking to hear about what TV shows you liked or who your best friend's boyfriend's sister is dating - I think he's looking for signs that the relationship is progressing. Perhaps you need to sit down together and figure out what your goals are - big, long-term goals as well as short-term stepping-stones that will help you get there, and that you can work on together.

I have no idea how you behave with him other than you've said that you feel like you are hanging on him when together, but perhaps he wants more kissing, or more hand-holding, or for you to sit next to him whenever possible so he can hold you. But maybe he'd like you to check in on how his day is going, or make him a sandwich or bring him a glass of ice water if he's had a hard day, or whatever. That can be a form of affection.

As I said, he's really the only person who can really answer these questions, but if you at least give him some examples ("did you mean this or that, or something else entirely?") when you talk to him next, then at least he'll know you've been taking him seriously and doing some thinking about it. Tell him that you know you struggle with some of these things - not only struggling with DOING things but also with knowing WHAT to do - so you'd appreciate some examples and specifics from him so you know better what you need to work on. And even give him some warning, so he can get his thoughts together too:

"I've been struggling with some of the things we talked about, and I'd like to sit down and talk about those things for a bit and get some clarification from you. Can we talk sometime in the next few days?" This way, he knows what the talk will be about, he knows that you've acknowledged that it's your issue (so you aren't blaming him for something), and you're going to talk about it in the near future, so he can mentally prepare. Most guys would really appreciate that.

[justEric]

Maybe he expects you to be more active in the relationship? Like inviting him to do things together, bincluding him in your daily life so you have more shared activities, surprise him with a little gift or token of affection now and then...

[Anonymous]

Ask him about his love language, or make him take a quiz for it online and you can both share your results. That way you’ll know the kind of things that’ll make him feel loved. Some guys look for physical touch (non sexual touch like hand holding, kisses, cuddles), others want quality time (spend uninterrupted time together, join in on his hobbies), gifts (get him simple but meaningful gifts), acts of service (help him do his chores, cook for him, surprise him with a massage, etc) or words of affirmation (telling him how much you appreciate him, give him compliments, praise his skills).

[dynamicyandere]

There’s a book called…


The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman


It’s all about how different people communicate and receive love. Perhaps you can go through that book together to get a better idea of the kind of love that he responds best to. How can you communicate your love to him in a way that’s powerful to him? And, how can he communicate his love to you in a way that’s powerful to you?