What's the deal with cheating?

[SarahS98]

When someone is cheating, they aren't thinking of their spouse at that moment. They are enjoying it for sure. I'm trying to understand it. I'm trying not to be judgmental. I just don't understand. Why would anyone want to cheat on their partner and make them feel downhearted and/or stress.

I can't ever imagine cheating on my fiance nor staying with him if he cheats. What's up with cheating?

[Anonymous]

As a long time cheater, I can say that I've only had about 5 girlfriend's I didn't cheat on. My body count was over 60 by the time I was 25. I never really got caught and confronted, but some of the girls I had been with had their own guys on the side too, I later found out. I guess I just loved the variety and excitement and never found a girl who held my interest for more than a few months, until I met my current s. o. and she suggested an open relationship but with full disclosure. I thought cool, and it's been working. She's bi and sometimes shares the girl. Now that we're free to do whatever, i found im not so interested anymore and want to be with her mostly. Funny how that goes?

Every women should know the stats on male cheating and not be like so shocked if it happens to them. The admitted rate is about 20%, so one in five, but the actual rate is believed to be closer to 40%. My experiences with the guys I've known between 25-35 years old are more like 30%, but about 75% say they would if it was their dream girl and guaranteed they wouldn't get caught. That's the reality, girls. That means 99% of you are fighting for 60% of the available men, and even most of them would cheat if the conditions were perfect, even if just one time.

[SarahS98]

This makes more women lose hope for commitment. I value fidelity, integrity and morals because that's my description. I'm currently waiting till marriage (our wedding will be on March 20th) and have hopes for it to be a success. The irony is I came from parents that cheated on each other. Ironically it wasn't dad that cheated first. She did and he cheated back in revenge 8 years later.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm not "making women lose hope". LOL I'm giving my experience, and I'm quoting stats, and I'm pointing out the history of male behavior. It's not my fault if women are blind to this. Women should go into a relationship making their best judgement of a man's character according to suit her desires. But she should also be aware that 40% of the time, she's gonna be wrong! Look at the history of many cultures on this planet. It has changed much. In some, its taboo. In others, it happens much more frequently, but it's not unusual male behavior.

[D_Bone_Steak]

I think it has a lot to do with low self-esteem. My reason was she has/is cheating... revenge. I think her reason for attention seeking with the easiest way to get a male's attention leading to situations... situations she'd just go along with and claims she didn't enjoy. I don't buy that load of garbage for a second to be clear... I think she just said shit like that to feel better about being human garbage.

I really can't wrap my head around why someone cheats and then begs the person they cheated on to stay. Like, are you not trying to replace that person? Why is the person you're with so valuable after you had some sexy time with someone else?

[SarahS98]

In the end whether it was due to low self-esteem, incompatible sex drive, drunken ONS, arguments, a revenge affair, falling out of love with them or their needs not getting met... they have one thing in common. They're all nothing but excuses. I'm trying not to be that harsh. I'm trying to put myself in the cheater's shoes but wow, I can't.

Your 2nd paragraph is also what I don't understand. If an affair took a lot of calculation, effort and time invested to go behind your partner's backs (with all the lies and cover-up), why do it when the cheater will regret it when caught and beg to be given a 2nd chance? Why all that effort to cheat was for nothing I guess.

[SarahS98]

Out of all the people that cheat, here I am.. waiting till my wedding (March 20th), still a virgin, still believe in the old-fashioned love, trying to do things the right away. I can't imagine being intimate with someone else that isn't my soon-to husband, yuck.

[D_Bone_Steak]

I just don't get it. My revenge cheating had the sole point of driving away a woman that was basically holding me captive in a relationship where she cheats. Still stays! Like what in the ever living hell would make a woman want to turn her man into a guy that just cheats constantly and shits on her for cheating? It makes no sense on the surface.

I think it has a lot to do with actually wanting that sort of relationship with he man. Like sort of repeating the cycle of abuse. My other options would be to simp and be a total cuck or get the fuck out of there. Anyone with any sense would state the obvious... get the fuck out of that situation!

I'm burned out on even considering a relationship the way I did in my younger days. The fantasy has worn off. People = Shit.

[SarahS98]

I've noticed when the woman cheats first, the guy will tend to strike back at some point either to either even the score (after he's being humiliated and hurt badly) or to just constantly continue to cheat on her so he can then dump her. Well it's understandable in that instance.

If I were forced to stay with a cheater, I imagine losing respect for him and treating him like garbage, not even cooking for him anymore (cooking for myself). I would be one mean wife for sure, always bringing it back, always talking bad about him to others, etc.

[D_Bone_Steak]

I think I'd have 2 main reasons to stay in a cheated on relationship...
1) Cheat on her and force her to want to leave or,
2) just get a ton of revenge. That would include revenge cheating and verbal belittlement.

All in all... It makes no sense for the cheater to want all that. It's like, just accept the relationship is shit on and move the fuck on. That's the weird part of why a cheater doesn't just move on and vacate the situation. Why beg the person to stay and just go through all the bullshit you know is going to come out of it? Many years later to just still get blowback from it... relationships are headaches to ponder. I'm just being real... I don't even see the point of it all anymore.

[SarahS98]

I think there is a explanation as to why the cheater might beg the person (she probably knows what type of man will take her back too) to stay even if the relationship will never be the same again... this might sound silly but maybe, just maybe the cheater can't really find a real quality man that will want a relationship with her (because as soon as that quality man finds out about her past cheating, she'll likely get discarded) I guess so she can't afford her only option for commitment to leave.
I guess that's the only explanation which is strange because if a woman wants commitment after all, why even cheat... she can get both sex and commitment from the safe partner.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Possibly to subordinate her male half. If it backfires she can play the subordinate role and keep the situationshit...

If she can get the sex and commitment from one guy the only reason I see to cheat on him and then only strive to keep him is to subordinate him. ... or at least an attempt to do so. If it all backfires though she's in for a wild ride of bullshit to go through. If he simp's out though... she forever has a foot on his nuts and forced submission.

[SarahS98]

I would like to believe there is love with my parents. Unfortunately mom cheated on dad 30 years ago (I wasn't even born yet) with his former best friend. She was just his girlfriend at the time though. Then he got back at her 22 years ago but they were married by now.
In the end they agreed to keep their past infidelities between them... that is until I found his private journal. It's been now 5 months since finding this all out, overwhelming information for me. But thing is she did tried to make it up to him. She bought him a new couch at the time, answered all his questions without trickle truth (even hard ones he asked, even if the answer hurt him), was an open book, stopped being an unpunctual person, canceled girls night-out just to be with him, etc. If that's not remorse then I don't know what it is.
My head is all over the place on that. On one hand I want to bash cheaters but on the other hand, I love my parents and trying to understand it from their POV, that maybe.. just maybe someone can cheat and really regret it badly.

[SarahS98]

I'm surprised he never talked bad about her to us or anyone.

[CA4444]

I guess people cheat when they are not really that much into their person? That’s how I read it and that’s why I’d be hurt, in addition to the lies (which is the most discussing part in my opinion). Even when I wasn’t that committed in my previous relationships I didn’t cheat. Once I wanted to but felt too guilty and didn’t do it. In retrospect maybe I should have I was too good lol…

Or maybe after years and years and the relationship has lost its spark or something.

I kinda always expected men to want to cheat and maybe cross that line depending on their personality, just cause they seem to want to have sex with so many girls

[BlueScorpio]

Lack of self control/lust and if people aren't communicating in their relationship then it will make them feel like that something new and exciting is out there. Also you have to keep the relationship romantic, it's easy to fall in a rut/routine where things get stale if there's no passion.

[SarahS98]

I think lust is getting too addictive. In the end, the cheating is just temporarily pleasure meanwhile the devastating and lost of trust is permanent and takes years of hard work to rebuild the relationship if they decide to work it out. Was it worthless moments of pleasure worth it for the destruction of a relationship or marriage?

[Guy13]

I am with you. There is no win in doing it. I have never been able to understand the draw. Maybe we love hard when we love?

[SarahS98]

I think they love in a different, distorted way. My love is for only one man, my fiance... no one else.

[Guy13]

Yeah, the whole cheating and body counting is cool thing is way over my head.

[XHopelessRomanticX]

Someone once told me men cheat when their needs in the relationship (sex, intimacy, respect) are no longer being met. And women cheat when they no longer feel love towards their partners. I don’t know how accurate this take is, it was just what I was told.

[SarahS98]

In the end any reason for cheating is an excuse. I think even if you're not in love with your partner (the infatuation stage) that's still not a reason to cheat.

[Paulalove98]

@SarahS98 Exactly. I don't get why they have to waste someone's time and string them along with lies and manipulation instead of just breaking up with the person. They make it so hard. I think what's even worse is they can do it after years of being invested in the relationship. It's totally scary. Trusting anyone anymore, is almost like playing russian roulette literally. I can sound crazy but it's not so easy to clap your hands and find a loyal person in this generation.

[JamesDiaz11]

I don't know why women cheat, but in my experience I cheated because I wanted to prove I could still get these young hot girls, and I wanted variety in my sex life, which was down to a few times a month (it dropped off when we started going to church, and it hadn't been good in a while since she couldn't get wet enough for penetration unless I went down on her).

I regret it.

[SarahS98]

I think women cheat if there is a lack of attention from her man or she feels her emotions needs aren't met. That's still an excuse. Cheating is always an excuse. Did your girlfriend ever found out, were you caught?

[JamesDiaz11]

Yep, she found out. The side chick I had earlier in our relationship told her about what we did via an instagram message a year later. She also checked my phone and saw I was talking to girls on snap later on in our relationship. Lastly, she found out about a girl I was hanging with at the end when she saw her car parked in my driveway (I expected her to be out of town that day).
I look back on these things and wonder what the hell was I thinking? It was only a matter of time before I got caught, and I know if I had ever had the thought that she was sleeping with another guy I would freak out.
To be fair, our sex life wasn't good (1-3 times a month was not enough for me), and at some point I was so low on myself (I had lost my job, and things weren't working out for me) that I pursued pleasure and validation elsewhere. I didn't just do these things because I'm a "sex addict," but as an adult and someone trying to be a good person I should have fixed things in the relationship before doing what I did. I know I hurt her tremendously, and I know I loved her more than anyone else, probably more than I will love anyone else (aside from my future kids) in my life.
Hard conversations need to be had, and when your partner has a problem they need to take it seriously. I had talked to her before about how her not getting wet was an issue, it's a sensitive subject, and probably something she was embarrassed about, but she just said that's how it was, it was normal (I've slept with 50 girls, it isn't), and it never got resolved.
Still, the cheater is the one who makes that bad choice, and the responsibility rests on me.

[SarahS98]

Ever since finding out my own parents cheated on each other long ago, I've been trying to have a more understand of cheaters. I think what hurts more is that she had to find out through the side chick. She's been basically living a lie in the relationship with you because you would've never told her about it and finish the relationship for her, end it for her. This is why most people bash cheaters; because of the selfish nature of keeping it to themselves, followed by the covered-up lies and keeping the partner in the dark for so long meanwhile pretending everything is ok and continue lying to them when looking at them in the eyes.

I just hope my fiance doesn't cheat. He's only been with one past girlfriend and I'm a virgin waiting till marriage. Your sexual past (50 girls) would be too much for me. I would interpret that as risking getting cheated because our values on commitment and sex would be so different, we would be incompatible.

[SarahS98]

If you care to read about my parents cheating on each other story here is two posts I've made here:
So the ideal, perfect family doesn't exist at all? ↗
Why do certain men take back a woman that cheated? ↗
My mom cheated on dad with his best friend in 1992. He caught them in the act (literally; she was on top of the guy) in his house, in his couch. Like you that claimed to still love her even after what you did, my mom had that similar logic. His journal explains that she still loves him even after what she did. Then in 2000 (they were married by then), dad had a revenge affair. He got back at her because he wanted to recover his hurt manhood, his hurt pride but unlike her, at least he confessed. Like her, he still loves mom too even after that revenge cheating, even after what happened. I accidentally read dad's private journal 5 months ago.

[JamesDiaz11]

I've read the article you mentioned, and I've posted on it as well.
I agree that we probably wouldn't jive if all the cards were out on the table, and I told you about both my cheating and the number of girls I've been with- the thing with that is that I don't tell girls this information (nor would I). My girlfriend (who is also a virgin, trying to wait for marriage) knows that I've had sex before but hasn't asked the number, nor have I told her. I've also only told her that I was at fault for my previous relationship ending, and I wanted to do things right with her- she hasn't asked particulars, and I haven't volunteered them.
I understand deception via omission is often seen as synonymous with lying, but I dont see any reason to tell a girl everything.

[FilmGuy93]

It's a coping mechanism. The person is deeply and profoundly underwhelmed with some aspect of their life, they are usually feeling trapped for some reason. They view their secret relationship as a way to take some control of the situation and feel alive.

[SarahS98]

That's usually the case with women that cheat. It usually involves problems in their relationship, their emotional needs not being met and feeling trapped. Men usually cheat for sexual purposes but if they also involved emotional reasons, many women see that as threatening because then he doesn't just cheats but he can leave her for the other woman.

[FilmGuy93]

It’s a inner spiritual problem for both genders though. Men cheat for emotional reasons too.

[CA4444]

Interesting

[BJP21]

Depends on what's going on.

1) If your in a unhappy relationship, and trying to find a way out.

2) Sometimes there are the thrill seekers who cheat for the thrill of ever getting caught. (Which they will)

3) Love/Lust of another person while in a relationship.

[SarahS98]

I think reason 1 is the case of most female cheater, reason 2 for male cheaters and reason 3 for both genders.

[FinalFantasyBro]

Because of impulse control, remember the brain function on the person emotion and it is difficult trying to not resist getting into a moment with an attractive girl or guy but still being in a relationship only the most strong will men and women can resist their homone impulse but unfortunately not everyone is exactly strong willed.

[Paulalove98]

Because people have no hearts and such jerks with no character to do such a thing. They have no morals or values about loyalty nor respect that person.

[Paulalove98]

It's so common especially nowadays, you feel more secure and safe only being single till you have to force and allow yourself to be vulnerable till someone crushes your heart, it's just like a bullet injury almost... you survive but you're not the same again once someone does that to you.

[SarahS98]

True and if someone takes back a cheater, I really doubt their relationship is ever the same. Even if the relationship somehow flourishes after reconciliation and gets stronger (ex: if both went to couple therapy sessions or marriage counseling), wouldn't the person still have flashbacks of the cheating from time to time? I don't know how anyone can recover from that.

[Paulalove98]

I've asked myself a few times if my heart would be genuine enough to do so, but then remembered how much I've been taken advantage of. Not just relationships but toxic friendships as well. I told myself no over and over again and also saying no is knowing my worth and valuing my self worth/self love. Honestly that person who's heart was sabotaged isn't the same anymore and definitely not the relationship. For me I'd be worried every single time they go somewhere if they cheated before and have visions that they'll do it all over again. Your point of view is for sure spot on. I think sadly sometimes people will take back the cheater only to settle or if they have kids involved. It's sad either way. Thankfully I have no kids yet but I cross my fingers and hope the future father of my kids is a loyal man with some character and dignity to at least break up before screwing around behind my back

[Twalli]

They want something that they aren't getting in their current relationship

[SarahS98]

I guess but they should've communicated in the beginning about their needs not being met and work on fixing their issues instead of involving a 3rd party.

[Twalli]

I agree completely, but they don't communicate, so they cheat.

[Noodle_fan]

selfishness , it is people who only care about themselves

[exitseven]

Some people are just total dirtbags.

[SarahS98]

The weird thing is they claim to still love you. It must be a distorted type of love.

[exitseven]

I knew a guy that had a really pretty and nice wife. She really took good care of this guy. He had a girlfriend on the side. She was just average looking and was kind of a skank.

[Danny_dan92]

Everyone is doing it

[SarahS98]

I'm not doing it and never want to ever hurt a person like that.

[Danny_dan92]

That’s what my ex said.

She not only cheated on me, but she cheated on 2 other dudes after me

[SarahS98]

Disgusting. I'm convinced I'll never cheat. I found out my parents cheated on each other a long, time ago (mom cheated first in 1992 and then dad revenge cheated 8 years later) and after reading dad's private journal of how devastating it was and the reconciliation process... nope I never want to put someone through that hell.

[Danny_dan92]

Yeah that’s fucked. She cheated in the worst way imaginable too.

It’s this concept that brings me peace being single.

[SarahS98]

I guess you saw the story. I've posted about it here.

[SarahS98]

What is astonishing is yes what she did was indeed horrible but somehow dad still married years later. Then again, if it wasn't for dad taking her back, I wouldn't have ever been born. Shocking.

[Danny_dan92]

Oh no, I didn’t see that. I was referring to my ex.

She was fucking her sister’s husband

[SarahS98]

Omg that's sick. It's been now 5 months since reading dad's private journal. This is my story I've posted about my parents:
So the ideal, perfect family doesn't exist at all? ↗
Why do certain men take back a woman that cheated? ↗

[Danny_dan92]

Yikes I read that. Ironically my ex was born in 98 as well.

That sucks. I don’t think cheating back is the right call.

I am saying this from experience. I took her back after having a lot of evidence proving she was doing that but she never admitted to it. (Obviously) cause that would not only end the relationship but it would ruin her relationship with her family

[Danny_dan92]

I cheated on her shortly before our relationship came to a final end. And it ended cause I was away so sex was just not possible and she was addicted to our sex so she left. Looking back, her decision benefited us both. Mainly me since her situation currently is really REALLY bad

[SarahS98]

What I wrote is even a slightly mild version in comparing to what I read in his journal. The full detail of her cheating (he way he described it... her being on top of the guy) was disgusting. I couldn't believe my loving, sweet mother was capable of that when she was 20.
Even though couple therapy and/or marriage counseling sessions helps out.. I'm sure people still won't get over getting cheated on. I'm now wondering this. Even though mom's cheating is 30 years old, does dad still has flashbacks of her and his friend together? He witnessed it in person after all.

[Danny_dan92]

I could only imagine. I really feel for your father in that situation.

What do you do? What do you think?

When you see the person you love having sex with your FRIEND. It’s sickening.

Honestly if that happened to me. I would freeze up. And not be able to say much honestly.

All I would be able to do is tell the guy to leave and never return or it won’t go well for him. And then have the girl pack her shit and tell her to never contact me again

[SarahS98]

I don't know how I would react if I caught my fiance cheating with one of my friends. All I know is he would be out of my life forever. I'm a woman that doesn't tolerate cheating.

The interesting part after dad obviously made a scene (fighting his friend), initially breaking up and according to his journal telling her almost every single bad word in the dictionary for a woman (I don't blame him)... all that for him to then take her back and years later marry her.
Do you think she got rewarded after all?

[Danny_dan92]

Honestly yes and no.