How to get my boyfriend to understand that his stress is affecting us?

[Anonymous]

So my mate lives with an elderly man he takes care of he literally focuses on this man 24/7 to the point when it comes to my needs and relationship I can't get his full attention. This man has no family and no one refuses to take care of him. When it comes to my needs I have to do everything as my boyfriend does nothing. I've told him not to mention his room mate to me as the situation is stressing me out. My mate has to cook him breakfast, lunch, and supper... he's become a caretaker... my mate works 2 jobs and it's stressing him out

[ProbablyClueless]

Ahh caregiver burnout; every caregiver has been there. Maybe it would be good to shop around for some in-home eldercare services.
People in your boyfriend's position often feel a sense of duty or obligation to care for the elder. It's not always easy to recognize when you need to take a break and let someone else do the cooking and cleaning. Even if it's only a couple times per week.

What you really need to do is come up with some options, then, the next time a fight happens, just show him the list and tell him he needs to take some time for himself.

[Asker]

It's not his biological family it's someone else's... the issue he takes care of everyone else neglecting himself and me

[Asker]

I told him that and he takes nothing I say or appericates it

[ProbablyClueless]

Yeah, it's going to be the kind of thing where tensions build up to the point that he can't ignore them anymore.

[Asker]

Well I told him communication needs to improve since he says I fuss which I don't I'm being expressive. I'll be quiet. . . Frankly when I'm quiet its a problem

[Asker]

It's darn if I do and darn if I don't

[ProbablyClueless]

Pretty much... he feels a sense of obligation to take care of this person.

[Asker]

This person has family and they don't want to deal with him

[Asker]

He's about to lose me soon

[Asker]

He lost me - I'm moving on

[Anonymous]

You are clearly making this all about you. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is selfless and giving, the opposite of your nature.

If you really need to be the center of a man's attention, leave this poor guy alone so he can do what he knows is right. And you can find another man who will spoil you and allow you to be self-centered.

[Asker]

No my boyfriend spends no time with me and is devoted to his room mate 24/7 . The only time my boyfriend contacts me is when he has a problem and vents to me about his problems neglecting my needs

[Asker]

He can be by himself because this is where this is going

[Asker]

It's not about being the center of attention relationships are teamwork and not one sided. I'm already taking care of my needs why are we together?

[Whatthefluff]

Your boyfriend is selfless, but needs to take care of himself and his personal life, too. I would just be open and say something like, “X, I love you, but I can tell that you’re frazzled by your hectic work demands and taking care of your roommate. You are a very kind person for helping him so much, but I wish I could spend more time with you too. I want to be prioritized more, and it’s important to have this to me in a relationship.”

[Asker]

We hardly spend any time together and he only contacts me when he has a problem

[Whatthefluff]

You need to tell him what’s on your mind.

[Asker]

I have numerous of times and his behavior isn't changing... he'd not selfless he complains about being a care taker and takes mosny out the elder man's check

[Asker]

He's on his way to lose me and nowadays I'm busy or try and stay busy too keep from hearing him complain

[Whatthefluff]

Seems you already know what you are to do.

[Asker]

Yes I'm already distance next exit left and I wish him the best , but he needs therapy

[Whatthefluff]

Sounds like the trajectory for a lot of people.

[Asker]

I like peace of mind a lot of these folks trying to build relationships with me need theraphy / I'm not obligated to deal with anyone's trauma or baggage.. I have my own crap to deal with

[Asker]

What I mean by toxic people I moved to get away from my family's bs not to deal with this from a man

[Asker]

Too many toxic people invading my peace of mind and my health can't deal with it

[Whatthefluff]

I understand. Your environment affects you, and that includes people.